Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at the time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing his message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left--you're standing on my oxygen tube."
Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully without looking up, "And I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you are weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree!!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am....that's your Pine tree (TM) air freshener!"
A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. Along came this woman, seeing the two cute babies she asked, "Aren't they cute? What are their names?" The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know." The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?" The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of father are you?!" The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company."
A blonde named *ALYSSA* had a near death experience (j/k it wasn't me) the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all of her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and alot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa." Again, she declines and trys to get some sleep. The lawyer now agitated, says, "Ok, if you don't know the answer you paye me $5, and if I don't know the answer I pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention, and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out $5 and hands it to the lawyer. Ok says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up the hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some sleep. The lawyer who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. (LOL! And you thought blondes were dumb!)
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "dating" from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned out most of the lights. The he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. he must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just the way a doctor would. Except he's not as smart as a doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick--a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there 10 inches long! Anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so that she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on to kissing again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats-they have 9 lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."
So--There was this woman who had a problem with silent gas and she went to the doctor and said, "This is embarassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let 3 of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?" He said, "Yes but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly for a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly. "Ummph, ooohh, nnooo I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fatal position still clasping his hands togeher in his groin. But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Once upon a time, there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic..anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world, and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away dissapointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt somethng hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. The question is: What was the object in the prince's pants?
*****
*****
*****
*****
*****
*****
They were M&M's of course, they melt in your mouth not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he ha been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "Spot!" called the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up an shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied. "No actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Ok great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?" the husband asked. "Well since I have been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at his wife and says, "Well, we did get alot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." So the genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband anyway?" "35," she replied. "And he still believes in genies...? That's amazing!"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her and her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he would like to buy- a 3 pack, 10 pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Idiots at work: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the two signatures. As luck would have it, they matched.
Idiots in the neighborhood: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Idiot Sightings #1: I was at the airport checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, than how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Idiot Sightings #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Idiot Sightings #3: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiot Sightings #4: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man, "I already got that side."
She was not beautiful. Nothing about her was extraordinary. Nothing about her made stand out in a crowd. She grew up in a family of six and being the eldest, she learned responsibility at an early age. As she grew stronger and brighter, she instilled a sort of light and cheer to whomever she met. She was not beautiful, but she made others feel better about themselves. She met a rebel boy who thought he was all man befriending him, she taught him. She taught him how to read and gave him the little boost the man needed to go to college. They became fast friends and she fell fast in love with her rugged handsome student. The man then finds himself in love with another girl-A girl who was beautiful. Her hair was a halo of light around her, her eyes the bluest blue of the ocean. "Like an angel" he tells his tutor, "Like a beautiful angel." The girl swallows a lump in her throat. She was not beautiful. She did not possess the heart of the one she loved, but she did not care. As long as he was happy, she would happy, or so she tried to. She helped write the most beautiful letters to his angel. All the time, visioning it was she herself receiving those very letters. And so the girl helped him choose the right clothes, say the right words, and buy the right gifts for his angel. His angel brought him much joy and much pain to the girl who cried behind her smiles. But that never stopped her from giving more than she would ever receive. The one day, the angel he loved left him for another man, a richer more successful man. The boy was stunned. He was so hurt, he did not speak for days. His friend went to him. He cried on her shoulder and she cried with him. He was hurt and she was too. Time went by and so wounds heal. The boy realized something about this girl, something he never realized before..how her laughter sounded heavenly and how her smiles brightened up the darkest days, or simply how beautiful she looked to him! Beautiful. This plain, simple girl was beautiful to him. And he began to fall. Fall so in love with this beautiful girl. On one day, he mustered all his courage to tell her. He walked to her house, nervous and fidgeting, running thoughts over and over through his head. He was going to tell her how beautiful she was to him. He was going to tell her how wonderfully in love he was with her. He knocked. No one was home. The next day, he found out that the beautiful girl he fell in love with had a brain tumor that put her into a coma. The doctors were grim and the family decided to let her go. One final time he got to see her, he held her hand, he stroked her hair, and he cried for this beautiful girl. he cried, but it was too late. The beautiful girl was buried and the heavens broke. Out a beautiful spring shower, a cry for their loss. She was the most beautiful girl in the world and she had taught the rebel boy-man to love and what it is to be loved. She was the most beautiful girl in the world.
Red roses were her favorites, her name was also rose. And every year her husband sent them, tied them with pretty bows. The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door. The card said, "Be my valentine," like all of the years before. Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say, "I love you even more this year, than last year on this day. My love for you will always grow, with every passing year." She knew that this was the last time that the roses would appear. She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day. Her loving husband did not know that he would pass away. He always liked to do things early, way before time. Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine. She trimmed the stems and placed them in a very special vase. Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face. She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair. While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there. A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate. With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate. Then, the very hour, as on Valentine's before, the doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door. She brought the roses in and just looked at them in shock. Then went to get the telephone to call the florist shop. The owner answered and she asked him if he would explain why would someone do this to her., causing her so much pain? "I know your husband passed away more than a year ago," the owner said, "I knew you'd call and you would want to know. The flowers you recieved today, were paid for in advance. Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance. There is a standing order, that I have on file down here. And he has paid well in advance, you'll get them every year. There is also another thing, that I think you should know, he wrote a special little card...he did this years ago. Then, should I ever find out he's no longer here, that is the card that should be sent to you the following year." She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard. her fingers shaking as she slowly reached to get to the inside of the card, she saw that he had written her a note. Then as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...."Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I have been gone, I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome. I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real. For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel. The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life. i loved you more than words could say, you were the perfect wife. You were my friend and lover, and you fulfilled my every need. I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve. I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears. That is why the roses will be sent to you for years. When you get these roses, think of all the happiness that we had together, and how both of us were blessed. I have always loved you and I know I always will. But my love, you must go on. You have some living still. Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days. I know it's not easy, but I hope you find some ways. The roses will come every year, and they will only stop, when your doors not answered. When the florist stops to knock. He will come five times that day in case you have gone out. But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt to take the roses to the place where I've instructed him. And place the roses where we are, together once again." (Sometimes in life, you find that special someone. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes your life worth living. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop, Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.)