If only I were having as much fun as you probably think I am.
Whatever you're doing, I forgive you.
What are you doing? (If you know)
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.
If you can't run with the big dogs, you might as well stay on the porch.
Decisions don't have to be made perfectly.
If you can't get peaceful about a decision, let it go, it's not time to make it yet.
Jesus helped many people, but He was straightforward. He asked them what they wanted and sometimes He asked them why. He held people responsible for their behavior.
What is popular is not always right, What is right is not always popular.
Whatever you want to do, do it now. There are only so many tomorrows. Michael Landon
The events of our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves, they find their own order.
Sometimes the greatest achievement of my day is getting into bed at night.
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it is me.
Wisdom comes only when you stop looking for it and start truly living the life the Creator intended for you.
"A picture is worth a thousand words, and takes about as long to load"
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? --Lily Tomlin
Somehow, I have to believe that I'm worth all the aggravation I cause myself.
Justice - wrong none by doing injuries, or ommitting the benefits that are your duty.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; The unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends upon the unreasonable man.
Pessimism is a very easy way out because it is a short view of life.
Things don't change, you do.
Look how often the unexpected happens - and yet we still never expect it!
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. --Bob Ettinger
One cat just leads to another -Ernest Hemingway
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.--Lynda Montgomery
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up:1 in 2
Only food that does not spoil: honey
There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
COME AND SEE ME AGAIN when you're hungry and desperate enough.
All complaints will be carefully ignored.
There are some days when I can't be sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that ignore him. Dereke Bruce, Taipel, Taiwan
What is required is sight and insight -- then you might add one more: excite.--- Robert Frost
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance--- King George V
Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble.--- Sidney J. Harris
When you are right, you cannot be too radical; When you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative. --- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Let us have faith that right makes might; and in that faith let us to the end dare to do our duty as we understand it. --- Abraham Lincoln
No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from. --- Linus (Peanuts character by Charles Schultz)
Hit the ball over the fence and you can take your time going around the bases.. --- John W. Raper
Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't. --- Eleanor Roosevelt
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. --- Mark Twain
When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one. --- Mark Twain
Get the facts first. You can distort them later. --- Mark Twain
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy the ice cream while it's on your plate.. --- Thornton Wilder
Never murder a man who is committing suicide. --- Woodrow Wilson
Regard it as just as desirable to build a chicken house as to build a cathedral. The size of the project means little in art, beyond the money matter. It is the quality of the character that really counts. --- Frank Loyd Wright
I want you to realize Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, only backward and wearing high heels.
Thanks to my computer, I have now achieved a much higher state of disorganization--Ashleigh Brilliant
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
It's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned - that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
Learning to forgive takes practice.
Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
Never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I wouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
No matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
I've learned - that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
Credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
It is not the most lovable individuals who stand more in need of love, but the most unlovable--Ashley Montagu
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat--Lily Tomlin
You don't have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.--John Ciardi
If anyone speaks badly of you, live so none will believe it.
To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go through it.--Samuel Easton
Talk is cheap, it takes money to buy whiskey.
Never bite anything that bites back.
There are people who make no mistakes because they never try to do anything.--Goethe
My sources are unreliable but their information is fascinating--Ashleigh Brilliant
"90% of everything is crap." - "Sturgeon's Law", Theodore Sturgeon
"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." - Carol Leifer
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." - Johnny Carson
"Never moon a werewolf." - Mike Binder
"If they give you ruled paper, write the other way." -- e. e. cummings
Never judge a work of art by its defects. -- Washington Allston
Don't just stand there -- do something.
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.
When you see a snake, never mind where he came from. -- W.G. Benham
Always behave as if nothing had happened, no matter what has happened. Arnold Bennett
Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, age 10
Never try to hid a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, age 7
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer him. Heather, age 16
Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, age 13
Stay away from prunes. Randy, age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, age 13
Remember the two places you are always welcome - CHURCH AND GRANDMA'S HOUSE. Joanne, age 11
Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, age 8
"You've got to dance like nobody's watching, and love like it's never going to hurt."
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work---Thomas Edison
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they are yours.---Illusions---Richard Bach
For things to get better, YOU must get better.
Forget that dreams are "kids stuff."
A man is literally what he thinks---James Allen
Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.
Character will win.
Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money, power, and influence---Henry Chestor
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
There's no need to fear falling - it's the sudden stop at the bottom that warrants the fear.
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