It is actually very interesting to hear eligible bachelors discuss about the problem of finding a suitable wife. Recently, I visited Nigeria. I stayed with my cousin in Lagos who narrated to me the difficulty he has had in finding a good wife. He is a man about town and I know that he has several women in his life. I asked him about some of the girls I have seen him with. He told me that they are not wife materials. While discussing this matter, a secondary school mate of mine came in and joined in the discussion. I was surprised to learn that like my cousin, he too was involved in the search for a wife material. That evening, when we drove out, we visited about four of his (schoolmate) girlfriends in Lagos alone and he confided to me that none of them is a wife material. I think the problem is that most bachelors and spinsters spend too much time looking for the perfect man or woman from mars that they often forget that nobody is perfect. Whether a marriage works or not may in the final analysis depend on the two persons involved. This is not to discard some of the attributes mentioned below.

George

By Iyabo Modupe

Is there any young girl who grows up to become a woman without nurturing at a point in time, sweet dreams about a perfect future family - a husband and children? Hardly. Every woman nibbles at the opportunity to have a man, whom she can call her own, a man to whom she can be a wife. Alas, the cold hand of fate often alters the future projections of many including several of these young girls, shattering their dreams of ever having that single day she can really call her own. It becomes a question of ‘man proposes but God disposes’ to some, while some others take consolations in the thought that perhaps not everyone is destined to get married. Unfortunately, our society, even with the considerable growing tolerance for Western ideals, has refused to accept the misfortune of an unmarried African woman as an act of fate. The modern African man would rather attribute it to certain factors, or behavioral patterns, which are either lacking or inherent in such a woman, making her an unlikely candidate for the role of a wife. Often times, a man would say, "that lady is not a wife material," while another says, "this one will make a good wife," or, "she is a wife material." Many women would certainly be curious to know why in the hell a man would think she could be a good wife or not. So, we ask, what makes a woman a wife material?

It is difficult to tell these days -Macaulay, (34), is a chartered accountant Many men in my generation are presently suffering from the crisis of not being able to define in specifics, who a woman with a "wifely" quality is. Once upon a time, men married women mostly, because their family approved or dictated to them to marry a particular woman and because the man believes that the woman would certainly fulfil all the responsibilities that are due to her as a wife. A woman knows that her primary responsibility was to be a good wife first and then a good mother. She knows that she had to manage the home properly whether her husband is around or not. The fact that she had a job or business of her own does not affect these duties. Today, it is an entirely different ball game.

There is the career question and its challenge for women. With this comes the social question, especially regarding the issue of women empowerment. There is a catapulting high level of moral decadence plus the discomforting craves for wealth. Men in my generation and beyond find themselves trapped. While some men would want to marry learned women that can serve as full time housewives, others would prefer excelling career women that can also make good wives. Anyhow, these two situations are often crucial. For the man who wants a full-time housewife, there is mostly always a future problem, if not an immediate one, where the woman feels she is wasting away and would want to amend the situation by putting the knowledge she had acquired earlier, into use. For men who take a career woman for a wife, there is often always a clash of interest - a point comes when either the man feels "marginalized," or where the woman feels the home duties are suffocating her. The latter case, is usually the commonest.

It happens to be the bane of most failed marriages today. How then, does a young, hard working man like myself, who desires to marry a woman with a proficient career prevents such an occurrence? It is a heavy question indeed. The woman’s attitude, character, the nature of her job, family background, clique of friends, the things she says of herself, her hopes and aspirations, become the parameters for judging what kind of wife she would turn out to be eventually. There is often the possibility of committing an error of judgment though. But these to me, remain the best factors for deciding whether there would be enough security for your marriage in the face of all other odds, in future.

She should have enduring qualities -Sammy, (41), is a writer A wife material, is measured with a different yard from the one used for a mere girlfriend material. Any kind of girl can be a girlfriend especially, if she satisfies your sexual urges and orgies. For one, the purpose of the relationship is usually technically very different. The time length of a marriage relationship particularly forms the pivot of the bond. There should be those enduring qualities beside the physical attraction, which is the character content or if you like the real identity of such an individual. The character content summarizes the make-up of the person, they are such things like patience, goodness, sincerity, which bothers on faithfulness - something, which I strongly feel, is a vital ingredient in the sustenance of marriage, since it engenders trust. Think of any enduring virtue at all, because what a woman needs, to be a perfect candidate for marriage often goes beyond the bedroom and kitchen. That is not to say that these things do not also matter, they count very much as well. Having said this, it is important to note, that it does not take the woman’s effort alone to make the marriage work, because there are many women out there today who have failed to realize their full potentials as wives and mothers because of the attitude of the men who happen to be their husbands. A woman can be as much of the good wife a man wants her to be. I had a relationship, which did not work out despite the fact that it had produced a child. The woman had a temperament that I felt I could not cope with. But I am sure that if I had made an issue out of this behavior in most positive and understanding manner, our relationship could have been saved. In summary, I believe men have to equally possess as much as these good credentials, to make a marriage relationship works. The lack of these credentials however, often contributes to a woman remaining a single when she is due. As it turns out that many women are responsible in every way for their plights as "misery spinsters" (MS).

Any woman who can do all that my mother did -Niyi, (30), is a sculptor When I think of the ideal wife, I think of my mother. Any man who has a woman like my mother for a wife would count himself lucky. My father could have testified to that was he to be alive today. My mother supported my father through and through without complaints or pride. She faced enormous problems from my father’s family over his property, which everyone knew had been acquired with much of her efforts. The case had gone to court and the responsibility of catering for the five of us, had been shouldered by her alone, until they finally decided the case, virtually six years after. She never remarried which means she was able to adequately take care of us. Every man’s dream no doubt, would be to have a woman who in the event of his death can take care of the children he left behind. How many women today, would stick out their necks for their families alone without the men? There are many cases where women desert their children or families as soon as the man runs into problems that sap his financial strength. A woman who will make a good wife is such who is very sensitive to the conditions and needs of the man. Most times, one finds a so-called girlfriend asking for money to buy certain things because her friends’ boyfriends had bought them such things. Would such a person make a good wife? What majority of women look at today is money, money, money! If you cannot give them what they asked for, then, you are not responsible. A lady said that to me sometime ago, because I could not support her to buy outlandish clothes, shoes and bag to wear to her friend’s wedding. When I begin to think of settling down, you want me to choose such a woman for a wife? God forbid! There is a proverb in Yoruba that says you should not accept as a poor man, what you would not take when you are rich. A woman like that would nag you to death when she becomes your wife, when you are broke and cannot give her money to make her hair or buy the latest cloth in fashion.

A wife material should be somebody who has respect for your stomach. Many women of today seem to take that for granted. There is an extent to which the canteen, "mama-put," or fast food can go. When it comes to marriage, a man’s food ought to be given good consideration. I would not want to get home to find my woman just beginning to put the food on the fire. That would be the height of it. Any woman I decide to marry would be one that knows how to treat me with respect.

A wife should be homely -Nnamdi, (28), is a post graduate student. A woman does not necessarily have to be a wife material because she can cook well or not. There are other things that count beyond just knowing how to cook. Marriage as we always say, is a life long event. Because of this, a man ought to take for a wife someone who you are compatible with, somebody who is your friend and shares common interest in most things as you do. A woman can be very homely and yet, would like the "outly," qualities. If I want to go and visit my friends for example, or, if I want to go for an occasion where current affairs would be discussed, my wife should not just be a listener, she should equally be a good contributor. Which means she has to be intelligent.

I love to go to parties, and to shows when I can find time to, I would not like a situation where I want to go out with my wife and she tells me she is too tired to go with me. That is not to say that she must always go out with me, she should be somebody who would enjoy hanging out with me most of the time, whether there are children or not. My idea of a wife material is a woman who would act as a good company when you need one, a good friend, a nice cook, a responsible mother and most importantly, a good lay. I love a woman who can control my home -Kingsley, (29), is a graduate of political science.

A wife material above all things, is a woman who is presentable anywhere and at anytime. A woman who would be identified in a gathering for at least one quality, either her aura, carriage, beauty or intelligence. Many say beauty is not a necessary factor to consider when choosing a wife. The truth is that I cannot marry a woman who is not pretty. The ideal wife for me, is someone who is sexually adventurous, a woman who is lukewarm in bed or conservative cannot serve any useful purpose to me in any way. There is always the option of going to get a good sex elsewhere, but I am sure I would want to be sexually upright as best as possible, and I would not want my wife to be the good excuse I would have for not being faithful. Comportment also matters greatly, a woman who wants to be transformed from her single status to the status of a married woman should learn to take charge of her man, she should be assertive because only then can she prove that she can handle her man. I respect women who can have control over me. Men of this generation need such women, and this does not mean that the woman should be rude. A man wants to be sure that if he is not around the woman can take charge of his home and family.