One thing that we often forget when we are so
used to seeing his films, is that Woody is a
writer.  His abilities on the printed page
are possibly even more varried and wondrous
than on the silver screen.  The following is
one of the delights from his book "Side Effects".

I think that W.C. Fields would have delighted
in this as much as I ...

                      The Query

(The following is a one-act play based on an
 incident in the life of Abraham Lincoln.  The
 incident may or may not be true.  The point 
 is I was tired when I wrote it).


SCENE I

...(Lincoln with boyish eagerness beckons George 
    Jennings, his press secreatary, into the room)...

Jennings:  Mr. Lincoln, you sent for me?

Lincoln:   Yes, Jennings.  Come in. Sit down.

Jennings:  Yes, Mr. President?

Lincoln:    (Unable to supress a grin) 
           I want to discuss an idea.

Jennings:  Of course, sir.

Lincoln:   Next time we have a conference for
           the gentlemen of the press...

Jennings:  Yessir . . . ?

Lincoln:   When I take questions . . .

Jennings:  Yes, Mr. President . . .?

Lincoln:   You raise your hand and ask me:
           Mr. President, how long do you 
           think a man's legs should be?

Jennings:  Pardon me?

Lincoln:   You ask me:  how lond do I think a 
           man's legs should be?

Jennings:  May I ask why, sir?

Lincoln:   Why?  Because I have a very good answer.

Jennings:  You do?

Lincoln:   Long enough to reach the ground.

Jennings:  Excuse me?

Lincoln:   Long enough to reach the ground.  That's
           the answer.  Get it?  How long do you 
           think a man's legs should be? Long enough
           to reach the ground!

Jennings:  I see.

Lincoln:   You don't think it's funny?

Jennings:  May I be frank, Mr. President?

Lincoln:    (annoyed)  Well, I got a big laugh
           with it today.

Jennings:  Really?

Lincoln:   Absolutely.  I was with the cabinet and
           some friends and a man asked it and I 
           shot back that answer and the whole room
           broke up.

Jennings:  May I ask, Mr. Lincoln, in what context 
           did he ask it?

Lincoln:   Pardon me?

Jennings:  Were you discussing anatomy?  Was the man
           a surgeon or sculptor?

Lincoln:   Why-er-no-I-I-don't think so.  No. A simple
           farmer, I believe.

Jennings:  Well, why did he want to know?

Lincoln:   Well, I don't know.  All I know is he was
           someone who ha requested and audience with
           me urgently. . .

Jennings:   (concerned)  I see.

Lincoln:   What is it, Jennings, you look pale?

Jennings:  It is a rather odd question.

Lincoln:   Yes, but I got a laugh off it. 
           It was a quick answer.

Jennings:  No one's denying that, Mr. Lincoln.

Lincoln:   A big laugh.  The whole cabinet just
           broke up.

Jennings:  And then did the man say anything?

Lincoln:   He said thank you and left.

Jennings:  You never asked why he wanted to know?

Lincoln:   If you must know, I was too pleased with
           my answer.  Long enough to reach the 
           ground.  It came out fast.  I didn't 
           hesitate.

Jennings:  I know, I know.  It's just, well, this 
           whole thing's got me worried.



SCENE II

...(Lincoln and Mary Todd in their bedroom,
    middle of the night.  She in bed, Lincoln
    pacing nervously)...

Mary:     Come to bed, Abe. What's wrong?

Lincoln:  That man today.  The question.
          I can't get it out of my mind.
          Jenning's opened a can of worms.

Mary:     Forget it, Abe.

Lincoln:  I want to, Mary.  Jesus, don't 
          you know I want to?  But those
          haunting eyes.  Imploring. What
          could have prompted it?  I need
          a drink.

Mary:     No, Abe.

Lincoln:  Yes.

Mary:     I said, no!  You'be been jittery
          lately.  It's this damn civil war.

Lincoln:  It's not the war.  I didn't respond
          to the human being.  I was too
          pre-occupied with getting the quick
          laugh.  I allowed a complex issue to
          elude me just so I could get some 
          chuckles from my cabinet.  They hate 
          me anyhow.

Mary:     They love you, Abe.

Lincoln:  I'm vain.  Still, it was a fast comeback.

Mary:     I agree.  Your answer was clever.  Long
          enough to reach his torso.

Lincoln:  To reach the ground.

Mary:     No, you said it the other way.

Lincoln:  No.  What's funny about that?

Mary:     To me it's a lot funnier.

Lincoln:  That's funnier?

Mary:     Sure.

Lincoln:  Mary, you don't know what you're talking
          about.

Mary:     The image of legs rising to a torso . . .

Lincoln:  Forget it!  Can we forget it!  Where's
          the bourbon?

Mary:       (With-holding the bottle) No, Abe. 
          You won't drink tonight!  I won't allow it.

Lincoln:  Mary, what's happened to us?  We used to
          have such fun.

Mary:       (tenderly)  Come here, Abe.  There's a 
          full moon tonight.  Like the night we met.

Lincoln:  No, Mary.  The night we met there was a 
          waning moon. 

Mary:     Full.

Lincoln:  Waning.

Mary:     Full.

Lincoln:  I'll get the almanac.

Mary:     Oh, Christ, Abe, forget it!

Lincoln:  I'm sorry.

Mary:     Is it the question?  The legs? 
          Is it still that?

Lincoln:  What did he mean?




SCENE III

...(The cabin of Will Haines and his wife.
    Haines enters after a long ride.
    Alice puts down her quilting basket and 
    runs to him)...

Alice:   Well, did you ask him?  
         Will he pardon Andrew?

Will:      (beside himself) Oh, Alice, I did
         such a stupid thing.

Alice:      (bitterly)   What?  Don't tell me he
         won't pardon our son?

Will:    I didn't ask him.

Alice:   You what!?  You didn't ask him!?

Will:    I don't know what came over me.  There
         he was, the President of the United 
         States, surrounded by important people.

         His cabinet, his friends.  Then someone
         said, Mr. President, this man has ridden
         all day to speak to you.  He has a 
         question to ask.  All the while I was
         riding I had gone over in my mind.
  
         "Mr. Lincoln, sir, our boy Andres made
          a mistake.  I realize how serious it is
          to fall asleep on guard duty, but 
          executing such a young man seems so
          cruel.  Mr. President, sir, couldn't 
          you commute his sentence?"

Alice:   That was the correct way to put it. 

Will:    But for some reason, with all those folks
         staring at me, when the President said,
         "Yes, what is your question?"  

         I said, "Mr. Lincoln, how lond do you 
         think a man's legs should be?"

Alice:   What?

Will:    That's right.  That was my question.  Don't
         ask me why it came out.  How long do you 
         think a man's legs should be?

Alice:   What kind of question is that?

Will:    I'm telling you, I don't know.

Alice:   His legs?  How long?

Will:    Oh, Alice, forgive me.

Alice:   How long should a man's legs be?
         That's the stupidist question I've 
         ever heard.

Will:    I know, I know.  Don't keep
         reminding me.

Alice:   But why leg lengths?  I mean, legs are
         not a subject that particularly interests 
         you.

Will:    I was fumfering for words.  I forgot my
         original request.  I could hear the clock
         ticking.  I didn't want to appear 
         tongue-tied.

Alice:   Did Mr. Lincoln say anything?  Did he
         answer?

Will:    Yes.  He said, long enough to reach the
         ground.

Alice:   Long enough to reach the ground?  What 
         the hell does that mean? 

Will:    Who know?  But he got a big laugh.  Of
         course, those guys are disposed toward
         reacting.

Alice:     (suddenly turns)  Maybe you really 
         didn't want Andrew pardoned.

Will:    What?

Alice:   Maybe down deep you don't want our son's
         sentence commuted.  Maybe you're jealous
         of him. 

Will:    You're crazy.  I - I.  Me?  Jealous?

Alice:   Why not?  He's stronger.  He's smoother
         with a pick and an ax and a hoe.  He's
         got a feel for the soil like no man I've
         seen.

Will:    Stop it!  Stop it!

Alice:   Let's face it, William, you're a lousy 
         farmer.

Will:       (tremling with panic)  Yes, I admit it!
         I hate farming!  The seeds all look alike 
         to me!  And the soil!  I can never tell it
         apart from dirt!  You, from the east, with
         your fancy schools!  Laughing at me. 
         Sneering.  I plant turnips and corn comes
         up!  You think that doesn't hurt a man!?

Alice:   If you would just fasten the seed packets 
         to a little stick you'd know what you planted!

Will:    I want to die!  Everything is going black!


...(suddenly there is a knock at the door and when Alice
    opens it, it is none other that Abraham Lincoln. 
    He is haggard and red-eyed.)...

Lincoln:   Mr. Haines?

Will:      President Lincoln . . .

Lincoln:   That question --

Will:      I know, I know . . . how stupid of me!
           It was all I could think of,
           I was so nervous.

...(Haines falls on his knees, weeping.
    Lincoln also weeps)....

Lincoln:  Then I was right.  It was a non sequitur.

Will:     Yes, yes . . .   forgive me . . .

Lincoln:     (weeping un-ashamed-ly)  I do, I do.  
          Rise.

          Stand up.

          Your boy will be pardoned today.

          As will all boys who made a mistake 
          be forgiven.

          ...(gathering the Haines family in his arms)...

          Your stupid question has caused me to
          re-evaluate my life.

          For that I thank you and love you.

Alice:    We did some re-evaluating too, Abe.
          May we call you . . . ? 

Abe:      Yes, sure, why not?  Do you guys have
          anything to eat?

          A man travels so many miles, at least
          offer him something.


...(as they break out bread and cheese, the curtain falls)...    


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