Jessica... Everyone that I have told our story to, I have made you out to be the "bad one" in the situation. For that I'm sorry. It's the way I felt. I'm not the innocent one here, and you and the coward are not the sole blame for this. I need to inform you, and everyone who has followed my saga, about my reasoning for coming to Syracuse. This is about as mature as I'm going to get about this thing, and after talking to Kathy, Cup, and someone whom I won't mention here, i have realized that I need to get this out, because it's eating me inside.
First, to everyone whom I told I was going to visit my cousin, I lied. I barely know three to four people that even live in the state of New York, and none of them are in NYC. I was going to New York for Jessica, my ex. The reasoning behind that comes later in this piece.
Now, the part that goes out to Jessica, an apology, and the reasoning of why I'm not so broken up about it as I thought I'd be.
Jessica, I bought the ticket way back when, because even though I held a serious lack of trust for you. I thought that I still held the feelings for you that I held back in the past year, but I don't and didn't. I was planning on coming up and on the day I left, I was going to present you with a one way ticket and ask you to join me in this hellhole that I call my life. If you said no, then I was going to walk out of your life, never to be seen again. All the while, we could trade back what is rightfully ours, which I do want my necklace back. I'll have yours in the mail this coming weekend.
You are the only girl to EVER bring me to the point that I was at. Even the passing of Jennifer didn't tear me up as bad as you did on that November night when I had to hear the news from someone other than you, and Jenn was in my arms on her final breath. I started to build a hatred for you after that night. I called you everything but a white girl. Everyone I talked to knew who you were. They knew you to be the "bad one" in the situation. Cause I was to proud to admit, it was my fault for leaving in August. I shouldn't have left, and I see that now, the only difference is NOW... I'm not looking back anymore and asking "Why didn't I leave?" I'm looking back and asking "Why did I come in the first place?" "Why did I fall for you on that stormy night when you bled your heart out to me?" "Why did I have to care so much for you?" "Why couldn't I just revert back to my nature of F*ck all?" But you held a place in my heart, whether it was the need to protect you, or the want of it. I don't know. But I do know that I DID love you at that time, and that's really hard for me to say, even though I said it so much to you. I shouldn't have gotten so close, I shouldn't have came back to the well, especially knowing that you were going to fall back for the coward by staying there every night. You told me what I needed to hear to keep my mind at ease, but do you really think it did? Sh*t.. you know me better than that. I still want the answer to why you couldn't come to me when you started dating the coward again, instead you had to hide. I think I deserve that answer, that's really all I want, after you read this. Even if what I'm about to say is going to piss you off to the point of not speaking to me, then just tell me that one thing.
The part that will piss you off, or my rant. I was planning on ending it when I left Syracuse anyways. I know that sounds harsh, everyone I've told that too says it does. But it's what my heart was telling me. I needed you here, or me there, or it wasn't going to work, just like it didn't. I know up in that hugely long paragraph above I talked about a ticket, but I didn't have the money for it. Nor was I going to. I knew that no matter what happend, us being together, us being apart, you would still be with the coward because he "needed" you. Bullsh*t in my eyes. He saw you as an easier target. What happend to the girl he was "in love" with while you two were dating? Couldn't he grow the f*cking balls to go for her? I didn't think so. He had to go for the easier target. The lonely girl, with the man she loves 700 miles away. I'd have done the same thing. Honestly, see, me and him have more in common that previously thought. Survival of the Fittest it would seem, except he stooped to a LOW level to gain the victory over me. F*cking Coward. I held respect for him, because he did something that I don't think any proud guy could do, and that was turn a girl over to someone else. I held the utmost respect for him on that one. Until he stooped lower than snake scum. ::shakes head:: I hope he reads this, and I hope he does want my head on a pike. I don't care anymore. Soon this form will be with Jenn, and my immortality will take effect.
Now, over the last week, I've realized a few things, other than the above. Friends kept me from using that non-refundable ticket. Friends kept that high-powered, piece by piece rifle out of my reach. Kept me occupied until it was too late for me to leave. I so wanted to still use that ticket. I wanted to come up and finish what he started, and was too coward to finish.
I remember something you told me that night. That Thursday night. You said "I will not be guilted" I look back over that and I laugh, because with the conversation that it was inserted in, it's hypocritical. He guilted you. He made you realize that you still hold feelings for him, and if he did finish the cowardly act, that you would be empty. He guilted you, but since he's still blinding you with Bullsh*t, I guess you wouldn't see that. You are only going to see what he says as law. But that's ok. I'm out of this thing now. I'm following my dreams, as I was planning to do before. Just a little over a year now. These are my final words.
I bid you both adieu, and hope you both lead a good life, and hope you have lots of kids. Lord knows you want them. (Damn... was that ruthless?)