go back, loser
Brian Gaspar Setting: A cave somewhere in Western Europe, 25,000,000 years ago. A caveman is outside sitting on a large rock eating the raw meat of a recently killed wooly mammoth. Several feet of snow cover the ground and the man is covered in furs in an attempt to stay warm. A second caveman approaches the first, walking with his back hunched over. He grunts a sound of acknowledgment to the first man and sits on the rock. Both men have long, dirty hair that covers their eyes and have beards that are uneven and messy. The first caveman hands a piece of meat to the second caveman, who then speaks. WINSTON: I say, Humphrey, this weather is simply dreadful, won’t you agree? HUMPHREY: Yes, Winston, enduring this cold is quite unpleasant. WINSTON: If only we possessed a means of warming ourselves with an artificial source of heat, perhaps our predicament would cease to encumber us. HUMPHREY: Oh, good fellow, the concept of such a apparatus is so preposterous that I am tempted to laugh aloud, but I will refrain from such activity to spare embarrassment for the both of us. Ah, Winston, your cerebellum truly formulates both peculiar and comical propositions! WINSTON: Say what you wish, Humphrey, but we both know that it was I who designed and fabricated the first wheel, which you had also deemed absurd. It can fairly be said that you, Humphrey, have contributed absolutely nothing to the world. HUMPHREY: Well, good grief, Winston, I hope you do not wish to engage in an altercation concerning my—my word, here comes our slow-witted friend Crag! Do you suppose the dumb oaf can speak in full sentences yet? A third caveman Crag, enters and approaches Winston and Humphrey. He also wears a fur and walks with his back hunched over. Crag carries a club in his hand. CRAG: Me Crag. WINSTON: Yes, you fool, we know your name. Why must you disturb us? HUMPHREY: What precisely do you want, imbecile? CRAG: Crag fire make. HUMPHREY: You? Discover something? I think not! WINSTON: And fire? What in God’s name is fire, you stupid half-wit? Humphrey and Winston both laugh hysterically. CRAG: Crag no stupid. Crag show you. Crag puts down his club and opens his hands to show two pieces of flint. He collects several sticks from the ground and puts them into a pile. He rubs the flint together right next to the sticks. After several seconds sparks appear, and the sticks catch on fire. Crag holds his hands to the fire and smiles. Winston and Humphrey look on in astonishment and after a few seconds slowly approach the fire and place their hands to it. WINSTON: My word! This truly is fascinating! This fire could provide us with heat throughout this frigid winter! HUMPHREY: I concur, Winston. And furthermore, the inventor of this “fire” could no doubt receive much fame for his discovery, if you know what I mean… WINSTON: I do, Humphrey, I do. Say, Crag, have you shown your means of creating fire to anyone else? CRAG: Crag show fire no one. WINTON (whispering to Humphrey): Excellent. Humphrey, on my mark, you grab his legs, I will grab his arms, and we will dispose of this problem. Ready, set, go! Winston and Humphrey rush towards Crag and attempt to tackle him. HUMPHREY: I have his legs! Do you have his arms under control? WINSTON: Actually, Humphrey, his arms are far from under control, as you would see if you simply turned your head. Crag has picked up his club and is now crushing my right kneecap into a mushy, indistinguishable pulp. There are bone fragments and bodily fluids flying everywhere, and it is quite painful, as you might be able to tell from the panic present in my voice. It seems that our friend Crag is tougher than we thought. HUMPHREY: Well, friend, in that case I believe I will make a tactical withdrawal and live to fight another day. Take care! Humphrey exits stage right. WINSTON: No! Humphrey! Don’t go! Crag is now holding my deformed body over the fire. My skin is simmering from the intense heat and forming tiny bubbles, which in turn are popping and creating an explosion of puss and blood. Furthermore, the skin covering my face has now erupted and has exposed charred muscle and bone. I am wondering how I can still be talking with my face in such an awful condition. CRAG: Crag like this game! WINSTON: Ach! My body is now fully engulfed in flames and death is imminent. I have been smote. Winston dies. CRAG: Crag go bye-bye now. Crag leaves Winston’s corpse to roast in the fire and exits stage left. Humphrey cautiously enters from stage right. He looks at Winston’s flaming body and chuckles. HUMPHREY: Ah, Winston, my friend, I believed we learned an important lesson here today. When you see that one of your friends needs help, get the hell out of there and save yourself. When you find yourself in a situation where you can assist another person, realize that nothing matters except what you need and you want. In life, it is important to only care about yourself. Humphrey spits on Winston’s body and exits stage right.
