Chapter 1: Birth
"Welcome, my child."
"Who are you?"
"I am the Alpha. I am the Omega. I am the creator of all things and the destroyer of all things. I am known by many names, but you may call me ...God."
"...God?"
"RAAAAAAAHH!" A blood-curdling scream. The kind of scream that turned even the toughest of men into anxiety-ridden ninnyhammers. It was the sound that woke me from my peaceful slumber that fateful day. I opened my eyes to find, to my surprise, that the walls were quite literally closing in on me. The barrier that surrounded and protected me my entire life was now contracting back and forth violently. My home, my sanctuary, was now forcibly pushing me out like an immune system would expel a virus...a parasite. That is what I was, after all - a parasite; syphoning nutrients from my host body through my umbilical cord. "Wait, my umbilical cord!" I thought. I could use it as an anchor. I quickly wrapped it around my body in an attempt to stabilize myself against the rapidly speeding contractions. But something went wrong. The pounding walls spun me to the left, and in the process my umbilical cord wrapped itself around my neck. After a few minutes of struggling, things began growing dark. I faintly heard unfamiliar voices coming from the outside world.
"Holy God, doctor!" shrieked a female voice. She sounded as if she were in a panic. "What is it now, nurse?" a deep, robust voice spoke. His boisterousness gave him the aura of a battle-hardened warrior. This man had seen it all. "The umbilical cord is wrapping around the baby's neck. He's dying, doctor!" she shrieked once more in a panic. "Calm down, damn it! I won't lose another one. Nurse, give me a scalpel ...I'm going in. Emergency cesarean section." That was the last I heard from these people, for the time being anyway. Everything was completely dark now. I could see nothing, but I could still hear. And I heard yet another unfamiliar voice, but it was soothing ...angelic.
"Welcome, my child," he said gently. "Who are you?" I responded, hesitantly. "I am the Alpha. I am the Omega. I am the creator of all things and the destroyer of all things. I am known by many names, but you may call me ...God," he answered. "...God?" I thought. I've heard about this God through second-hand reading from my host body, though I didn't expect to meet my maker so soon. "Why am I here?" I asked the so-called alpha and omega in a rush. "My child, you have not earned the right to ask me such things. Do not question my grand plan," he spoke down to me as if he were speaking to a dog. "I haven't earned the right?" I pondered to myself. What did he mean. Then it hit me, "of course!" I exclaimed. "Everyone knows you have to best God in battle to be deemed worthy!" I shouted at the giant of a supernatural being.
"I challenge you, God ... to MORTAL KOMBAT! DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNDUNDUNDADUN! Except at this point neither of us are really mortals at all..."
"Ho ho ho, but you're a mere child. You haven't even been born yet, in fact!" He laughed. With that, I quickly executed an axe kick into God's jaw, knocking him back a little. "Oh, that's it! It is ON!" proclaimed God, as he spat a bit of blood from his mouth.
Then God said, "Let there be fight!"; and there was fight. Oh, there was fight.
The almighty lord juked to the left and thrusted his fist towards my head. I narrowly dodged his blow, taking minimal damage. "Your skills are impressive, God," I said, "but what do you think I did while I was trapped in that womb for nine months? I studied the martial arts, of course." I flipped backwards towards a wall, springing off of it and flinging myself towards the lord. I tried to use my momentum to land a blow to his temple, but he stepped to the side and slammed me to the ground. "God damn, I'm good! Who do you think invented martial arts, boy!" He gloated. The battle raged on for hours, and it was taking its toll on my body. My spirit was all but broken, and my pride shattered. "What do I have to lose?" I thought, and in a moment of desperation I shouted, "Look over there, God. It's a unicorn!" God turned his head to look behind him, exclaiming, "A unicorn wher -- wait a minute! I wiped them off the face of the planet during the great flood. I didn't want those bloody freaks anywhere near my arc... with their fruity rainbow horns and--" With God distracted with his own ramblings, I took the opportunity to execute a spinning uppercut into his chin ...successfully knocking him to the ground.
"Checkmate, bitch."
"Huff, huff... I can't believe I fell for that trick. I invented that trick, because I'm God, and I essentially invented everything. But you did beat me. Ask me any one question, and afterwards you may return to life if you wish," he said while he rose from the ground, panting. "This is it!" I thought. This was my chance to ask God himself a question I had contemplated for ages; a question that was impossible to answer. It was a question that would surely even perplex God almighty himself in his infinite wisdom. "God," I said, "...could you microwave a burrito so hot that even you couldn't eat it?" His smile slowly twisted into a frown. "I did it," I thought to myself, "I beat the system!"
He opened his mouth, and in his infallible knowledge he spoke, "...I hate Mexican food."
"You bastard!" I yelled inside my head, "that's a cop-out answer." I was flustered at his response. "Hey! I heard that. I am, you know, God and stuff!" he reciprocated to my internal comments. "Eh heh, oops. Well I guess I better be getting back to life now," I told him. "Of course, but you'd better hurry. Your earth body won't last much longer. Here take mine," he said while tossing me a set of keys. "Take his what?" I wondered. He pointed to the direction of the most awesomely, super, badass motorcycle ever. I was like, "Hell yeah, God, rock on. But can't you just teleport me back to earth, since you're God?" He glared at me, "Shut up. That would be anti-climatic if I just teleported you back to earth and there was no rush to get back to your decaying body on a sweet motorcycle." What could I say? He was right.
I gave him a two-finger salute and cranked that badass hog up. The radio started blaring the song "Helter Skelter." "God listens to The Beatles?!" I was shocked, though I guess it wasn't so surprising. He was God after all. I burst through the clouds and began speeding towards earth. I was flying out of there like a bat out of Hel--er, Heaven! "Hey, I can see my house from here!" I thought, but there was no time for sight-seeing. I had to get back. I crashed through the top of the hospital and my spiritual body dove into my host vessel and landed back into my earth body. I was whole again. But at that moment, a blade sliced through the bow wall of my sanctuary. What was happening here. All of a sudden, two gloved hands grabbed me and pulled me from the safety of my home.
It was the warrior I heard from before. He flipped me upside down and dangled me far above the ground. He then proceeded to slap me. Slap me! "You'll pay for this!" I said in unintelligible baby language. The woman then joyously exclaimed, "It's a boy!" "Boy?" I thought, "Sister, I'm a man!"
And thus I was brought into this world. Little did I know at the time that this was just the beginning of my problems, and perhaps I would have been better off staying dead...
