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Stuff Not Really Worthwhile.......lol...(Do read)

Kyle Wilson
http://www.angelfire.comart2/khyle785/

oneandonlyshyle@hotmail.com

http://www.angelfire.comart2/khyle785/
oneandonlyshyle@hotmail.com

Basic Facts Name: Kyle Elizabeth Yorke DOB: 10.20 Likes: (bands) Radiohead, Grandaddy, Flaming Lips, And you will know them by the Trail of Dead, Doves, Sparklehorse, Cake Loves: Water, H20...(cold...w/ ice cubes...although crushed ice is okay by me too) Age: I'm old enough and mature enough to decide whether or not I wish to answer this...and I don't wish to let ya know...I hope that's an acceptable response..lol Location: I'm here. In this virtual-reality "Internet-world" (or lets use your name instead...lol) Gender: fml (gosh you must b a dummie if you couldn't take an educated guess lookin' at my name...((i recommend "The Complete Idiot's Guide to 'Names and Guessing Genders'"...j/k...hahaha) Link to my journal: bah! Never typin' it out for ya!!! Sucks for you! bwahaha muwhahaha ***~*~*------------------------------------*~*~*** My Hobbies & Interests oh and SHOUTZ @ COMRADS!! WELL...biking, biking, (biking) ((biking in extreme weather conditions...lol...and for long intervals of time.. hehe)), skiing, tennis team, tennis lessons, collecting cat figurines and other things, art, meteorology a.k.a. weather, observing cloud paterns in the sky, listening to music, oil painting, drawing, reading, working @ my summer snack bar job...and well if you would like to know more...you know the drill by now...(or maybe you'd rather not...but there's a stronger possibility of you wanting to know more....haha!) Oh and one more thing...I think Radiohead are absolute gods....yeah it felt good, really good, to admit that!! haha! ***~*~*------------------------------------*~*~*** Oh well let me just copy and paste up my "ALL ABOUT ME" thing...interpolate the info. from that SubProfile thing of mine... ~Music: listen mostly everything thing that's thrown at me but you know I still have my favs...I enjoy british bands...RadioHead is at the top of the list...actually it takes up the first ten slots! haha! That's how incredibly important they are to me...I listen to Grandaddy, Flaming Lips, Sparklehorse, DOVES, Cake, And you will know us by TRAIL OF DEAD and many/ a few (j/k) others...I'm also a fan of oldies, and my dad is really responsible for that...alright I cease this incessant chatter now!!! sorry! haha ~Movies: Mostly comedies and Independent films (IFC)...um...some of my favorite comedies to watch: -Young Ones -Monty Python -Kids in the Hall -Adult Swims' -Simpsons -SNL -Some other one -Mad TV is okay -comical movies...selected few though cause some mainstream comedies are lame and include excessive vulgar... -others I didn't mention to ya! -Mystery Science theatre 3000!!!!!! lol -ok -enough now... ~Sports: I'm a tennis freak in the springtime-after school spend hours and hours of free time commiting myself to matches and loads of practice against the back wall/with partners...I also enjoy playing outside of the school and at the beach club in summertime...skiing is another sport which I'm very fond of-actually I speak for my family here..my dad bought a condo right on the slope of Mt. Snow, VT for us to escape to when winter hits...(but seeing the globe is every so slightly warming up w/ every passing yr, whether we like it or not, i doubt we'll be able to skii there as often as we'd like...butt's nice to have a halfway point for trips up to Canada...ok and running is something else i do enjoy but I get to a point where I just can't think and thinking is required for homework, you know, so I just couldn't sign up for track...I guess I could give it a try this yr, seeing that I've done an enormous ammount of biking I just may have the required strength for it now-and with that strength I could last through the hours I need to set aside to study...But yeah, if I don't have that required strength I'll deffinately see those beautiful grades of mine being shot down right in front of me!! my future plans and wonderous dreams as well!! so maybe it's not such a great idea...LoL!!! oh yeah then there's biking...ah yeah, truely you do need a fair amount of strength, vitality and determination...which i do have, fortunately...and those are qualities only the INSANE have, as u may like to put it! (but I'm the only exception!) LoL! and me being an extreme optimist I turn this "travail" into something deeply pleasurable...and how?: Affix headphones with music to the ears...and there u go!!! haha ~Studies: I have always held a great interest in the weather...ever since I was a second grader in that strange elementary school time frame I would love to forget about...but here i developed this weather obsession...especially for hurricanes and storms. So because I had dedicated so much to weather in my childhood and have planned to become a weather-woman for years and years I feel that is where I should go with this life of mine. Unforturnately few schools offer this major and the few that do are on the extremes...either impossible to get into or ridiculously easy to get into...(and also in extremely different locations and climates...the extreme cold/hot...extreme north south) I didn't come up with too many on the search but am eyeing some of them closely and have narrowed my top three to: Florida Institute of Technology, FL, Lyndon State in N. VT, and Univ. of NC in Ashville... MY POSTINGS a.k.a.JOURNAL: ~~*A collection of Triumphs/SA thoughts*~~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ~~~~>>>>>>Don't feel pressured to respond to my forum when you see it at the top of the page...feel free to do so if your up for it but if you just enjoy reading, or listening rather, and not quite one for responding, or you just don't have much time on your hands please pass on by ...and don't feel like your doing something reprehensible!! It's absolutely Okay!! I have the habit of doing the exact same thing ... <<<<<<~~~~~ Hey people-in these last two years I've seen great improvements in my social anxiety-as of now I'm begining to see my self as an attractive person when I look in the mirror. I can look myself in the eye and make a rewarding comment towards myself such as that famous line "hey beautiful". Was I able to say that to myself two years ago? No, because I was constantly thinking that exact opposite. Nothing about my physical appearance has really changed. Of course, because I've been feeling positive on the inside, it's caused me to take better care of my outward facing self. I've happily immersed myself in several healthy eating/excersizing/ growth programs, which I have seen tremendous results, although I could never consider myself overweight or anything, I just feel that now I'm more energized, stretched out, and athletic at this point. I had also purchased a wonderful book-"Be taller"-and it tells you exactly what you need to do in order to grow up to three-four inches more in six months. For example, good posture is a key, eating habits-certain foods, such as foods high in protien increase the growth hormone levels in the brain resulting in you growing a small fraction of an inche more in the course of the night, weekly exercise, and the last most important thing they suggest to you are the stretches-three per day for twenty six weeks. Exercise sure helps to keep you on track aiming towards a perfectly healthy state of mind, for sure! So, I feel that feeling better about your own physical appearance is a real great benifit(it's not only thinking you look good, it's about building up evidence from with in to prove that you look good, not just taking other people's word, and that are a very handsome/beautiful being!), because insecurities about your own appearnce leads to worries about it and it sometimes adds up to be half of the worries that come to mind when conversing with another individual. The other half of those worries are those insecurities inside of you: the "will what i say matter to them?","will it be said efficently?","will i faulter?", "will i come off as sounding stupid/crazy/evil?" "will they hate me if i say the wrong thing?", "do i bore them?", "am i wasteing their time?"...and the list goes on and on...i feel the pill helps to temper the physical side effects these worries can produce. It also allows you to focus more on what your actually going to say, instead of what you will sound like, what expression will be left on the face, and were you shaking, twitching, sweating, blushing as you were speaking. The pill calms you down a great deal. I've gotten better at keeping the intense anxiety levels down, I've found I'm much more relaxed in the prescence of another person whom I don't know so well. Well group situations are a different story because I haven't had many group experinces (last was at "leaders in training" camp last summer-that's another story) But I feel I can be relaxed enough and feel that I'm getting better about thinking over and analyzing what I will say before the words flow out of my mouth and into the listener's ear. I've improved much in these two years for sure and feel at this point I can take on any social situation whitch is thrown at me. Even with all of the people who came into my life then so suddenly dropped out of it, such as my two close friends who were seniors when I was a sophmore last year, I still have hope in meeting others to replace the empty space that is there, and still is there as of this moment. I know the loss of those very close friends is resulting in me being more motivated get out there and meet some new individuals, out in the real world, rather than just online. I have been desperately in need of a new relationship for so long though and the boyfriend who became the person who I had emotionally depened on to keep my self confidense up with nice comments and supporting advice had also dropped out of my life last month, I still feel things can improve once again. I have the energy, the right state of mind, the intellegence, and I had great feelings of superity last year, when connected to those two people. I know I'll meet someone else, I just know it...whether tommorow, next week, next month, next decade...someone will surely come along into my life, someone who I can bond with, share my thoughts with, someone to encourage me, I can feel it. I have to remember to keep my head up high and attach the feeling of amity to my face and I'm set to go!! Edited by: Khyle85 at: 12/2/02 11:48:48 am Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 14 (11/27/01 10:48:17 pm) Reply sorry bout the typos!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sorry so many typos! i'm quite tired right now and my dad is pressuring me to get to bed, but i hope all of u know what those mispelled words here and there mean such as "superity" it should be "superiority" ha! sorry! Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 17 (11/30/01 3:53:29 pm) Reply An ordinary day for them, an extraordinary day for me! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wow! Today was a fantastic day!! Well let me start off by saying that it was the first time ever, that I was able to convince myself this: when I want to be and believe I can be I can be a really likable, thoughtful, friendly, intelligent person in other people's eyes and in my own eyes. A bunch of past learning experiences, past mistakes, examples from others who suffer just as I do, and little research on "how to have a healthy relationship with another person" led me to believe that I don't actually need to acquire more facts or be at all in a competition with another when speaking to them. All I need to do is become a genuine listener (and that's not just shaking or nodding your head after someone tells you their story, and instead it is responding to someone, rephrasing what they had just said-agreeing , also, is simply not enough) and have the right listening skills so I can respond to what they say at the right time-so not come off as rude, impatient, arrogant, self centered and so on and so on (anyway, kindness is the greatest intelligence-but it's just so difficult for us with anxieties and depression to gain people skills!)...Let's just say that I now have hope in becoming a normal human being. Well back to today's events. I was strolling out of my Japanese class, fifth period, took a sharp left and swung out into the stairwell, headed towards lunch. I thought I was to meet Anthony and Zeneida in the lunch room, then suddenly, right in the middle of some stairway traffic my brain sent a short signal throughout my body, telling me to make another one of those sharp turns to swing around and climb back up the stairs to head in the other direction-Why? I had forgotten about the slip of gold paper that was burning a hole through my pocket, that wonderful piece of paper, which you can only obtain only in the duration of the first three class periods of the day. By period five I had forgotten that I picked one of these up! It was probably the thought that had stuck in my mind since homeroom, a wonderful thought which was filling mind with excitement and blithe. That thought was driving and directing me strait toward the buddy, whom I much love, for more details on the short two sentences she had quickly thrown out to me before homeroom, while we were standing at the locker. I had forgotten that today I wouldn't find her at our usual table. So I reached down in my pocket and felt for the library pass, pulled it out and searched the ground for a pen or pencil, not really expecting to find one, but luckily there was black mechanical pencil lying right in plain view. Not caring what anyone else thought, I bent down in the middle of the hall, which at the time was scattered, not congested, scattered with rushing kids, half of which were headed to class, half of which were headed to lunch, and I reached out my hand, scooped up the pencil, making myself look really cool and relaxed after engaging in the act. I unfolded the pass, wrote out my name with that pencil, while taking long, swift steps down the hallway so to get inside the library door before the bell rang. Of course, I had to look back to see who had been behind me the entire time, who had seen me perform the snatching of the pencil in the hall. He followed me into the library, with a pass in hand too. After I stamped my pass I gave the kid, who was a few inches shorter then I, surprisingly, a little smile. I made my way towards my usual table, way in the back, and when I turned around to see where the kid was headed, I came to the realization that he was headed in the direction I was heading! I could see him in out of the corner of my eye. He dropped his books down on the table that was behind and to the right of mine, then pulled out the chair and angled it so that it was pointing in my direction. I paid him no mind to him until he asked me, "Do you have a cell phone?". I replied "no", and not thinking he'd want to say anymore to me, I went back to my studies. He then brought up something else to talk about, I turned around once again and realized maybe he’s a little lonely and maybe he just needs someone to talk to…so I listened here and there but it made me a little uneasy. I replied with short to the point answers and pretended to go about my buisness again after he had spoken to me, trying to show to him I wasn’t the type to talk-but he still he wasn’t getting the hint. Of course I didn’t come off as annoyed with him. I actually enjoyed the attention, and made myself seem interested, and I truly was. Only when he asked me to contribute and share some of my stories, I got silent and pretended to go about my business again. I had noticed talking to him, that some of my anxieties weren’t present-like the constant worrying over my physical appearance and the worries I had about sounding funny, and some others. (Remember this was the first conversation I’ve had with a person other than Zeneida and Anthony for, say, two weeks!) Towards the end of the period he had started to wonder about me even more and asked if I have ever had a boyfriend. Here I got really tensed up, but have been in situations similar to this in the past, and maybe I’m more relaxed and comfortable with them now-and like usual they ask you out after asking that question. So, yeah, he asked me out, although he’s a very cute guy, I don’t think I could be with him, considering he’s still a sophmore and is shorter than me (I’m not so used to towering over the one who is attracted to me)-but those aren’t very good reasons to turn him down. He just doesn’t seem like the type who is usually interested in me. I guess I shouldn’t judge him either. I’ll see how things work out and if they don’t, well it’s ok-it’s an experience and I need more of them!! (that wasn’t the only good thing though-there were several others such as Jamie before health class, but I’ll save that for another time!) I feel this is really just what I need at this point. I’m feeling great and I can surely thank that guy!! Heh! mthack Registered User Posts: 193 (12/2/01 8:12:21 am) Reply Re: An ordinary day for them, an extraordinary day for me! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey I am glad things are going good. I also wanted to let you know I read your posts even if I don't always reply. There is just not enough hours in the day !! Mike What you gonna do when the lake goes dry, Gonna sit on the bank and watch the crawdads die Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 27 (12/9/01 9:26:16 pm) Reply Something new... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let me just start off by saying I kinda messed up on the date with Mike last Sunday. I was making myself look a little desperate, I guess, and that's maybe why he decided to dump me a few days later, but I know that isn't the only reason. We went to a four oclock showing of "Black Knight". We had arrived pretty early, but not early enough cause there were allready a few people in the last row, the row he was hoping for us to be seated-I learned three quarters through the movie why exactly, he wanted to sit there. Before the movie we chatted a little-not much-he wasn't a talker really and not so intellegent either, considering his bad grades and apathy towards school, but really, you shouldn't base someone's intellegence solely on the marks they earn. But people who aren't so successful in something tend to be apathetic towards whatever that is. Mike was a really friendly, honest to god cute guy and I don't know why I had decided to make myself look like I wasn't good enough and uncertain. But I felt pretty comfortable around him because his confident attitude radiated on to me. I let him do the question asking, mainly because I was afraid that he'd reject me if I asked the wrong thing or opened up to him too quickly. So, the night carried on, and about three quarters through the movie he had taken my attention totally away from the screen and had asked me to scoot over in my seat, towards him, and several times, earlier in the movie, but I was uncomfortable with doing that and had pretended that I just didn't hear his request. I refused to do what he said because it felt good to be persued, and I wasn't ready to be so close to this guy cause I still barely knew him! I kept my arms folded and locked into that position, because I was refusing he brough up another topic in attempt to capture my attention. He asked me if I had ever kissed anyone before-I had told him no and he was in shock because earlier I had told him that previously I had a boyfriend for six months-him, being the type who into physical closeness as opposed to emotional closeness he was in disbelief. The question made me a feel a little warmer and adrenaline was flowing, but fortunately it couldn't have been seen because the light from the screen had casted a blueish tint which neutralized the blushing red I could feel burning on my cheeks. I didn't want him to see the reaction on my face because I felt it would let him know I was succumbing to his commands. Of course, after he had asked that question, and I had explained to him why my last guy friend had never kissed me he threw out the big one: "Do you want me to kiss you". The question made me twitch a little, started to make my temp. rise a little and my heart beat a few times quicker, and my hormones were going wild-I was speechless as to how to respond and uncertain whether I wanted to do that but my hormornes took over and I told him "Sure I would, but I don't know if I can..". He asked me if I was afraid of him, that he'd do something to me I wouldn't appreciate,-I told him that I was a little bit, which I wasn't really, hoping that he'd let allow me to focus back onto the movie, but it didn't. He then asked why I was afraid...so I said "I'm just not ok with it...I'm not ready to...". I took another look at the others in the theatre and sensed the people behind me would stare at us performing in the act and be disgusted or whatever. Maybe I thought about that a little too much. It made me feel a bit apprehensive. I then asked him "But Now? But there's people around us and I'm not experienced...". Things weren't so great after that because he began to apply force, and went ahead and did it. Because I wasn't comfortable and not ready to things kinda failed and fell apart. But it was his fault for forcing. I told him I was sorry after that. I felt bad for not satisfying his needs, but you know he needs to learn to be a little more patient. I guess because he's such a good looker and has a great personality he feels he can get anything he wants and whenever from a girl he's attracted to. I had taught him a lesson, that forcing isn't good and patience is better. Anyways, after we had done that he asked me, "Is it because you think youre ugly?"...Now this is where I had made myself seem a little too desperate and let out some true feelings I had regreted afterwards...I told him, " Well, yeah...that is true...I've always thought that". I guess I was looking for him to convince me that I wasn't, which I do need at times...so he told me, sorta demandingly, "How could you even think that!!!...You know what? I think you are...beautiful". After he said this I then learned why he had brung up that subject...to make me want to like him a lot more so that I'd want to make up for the kisses that had failed...at this point he was looking for a true emotionally pleasant kiss I guess, and tried once again but I didn't reciprocate, and he ended up kissing my cheek, oh well-but good came out of this experience, of course. It made me believe that I can be attractive in another person's eyes. Well, after the movie we went to the neighboring pizza restruant and ordered two slices. Mike couldn't take his eyes off me the entire time and was mesmerized by my every move. For example, after I had taken the cheese off my pizza I had some sauce on my finger and he took the napkin and wiped it off himself. After doing so I took two bites and couldn't consume anymore because his eyes were fixed on me (u know, since I'm an SA i get anxious when others watch me eat even!! ha!), he didn't at all mind that I had a small appitite, and being polite I appologized. Well anyway, we did a little more chatting and soon enough picked up and left. So our little night had come to an end. I had noticed though he had not told me before he left that he wished to get together again. But I wasn't really expecting him to since he's only interested engaging in physical acts rather than anything social. At home that night I thought everything over and realize how great I felt and confident and pretty and so on and so on. Over the next day and the day after I had realized how much self esteem he had given me and I grew a little emotionally dependent on him. He called those two days but feeling I kinda needed to play harder to get, I refused to answer the phone. That Weds. I picked up the phone and he had told me this, "Kyle, I think we have to stop seeing each other because my mom wants me to get back geometry grades". I wasn't trusting this though...and I still don't belive it's the real reason for him to want to break away from me. But oh well, I have others in mind at the moment!! I don't mind...since I had become emotionally dependent on him so quickly, that means I can do just that for many others out there! ha! It was a pleasant, fun, short relationship experience and the more I have, the better...but next time I wish to find someone to connect to socially rather than physically, you know? And I do have many in mind...well, that's enough typing for now! (Sorry if this post was a rambling one...i just want to get it all down somewhere before I forget about it all!!) Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 36 (2/15/02 11:11:14 pm) Reply Small Update...nothing special really... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Surprisingly Mike has chosen to join back up with me and rekindle the relationship that had so abruptly come to an end. He visits me in our school's library every other day, and is all smiles to just see me...I don't know why...but I do enjoy the attention\company. Alex, the one who addmitted to me that he was gay, has recently told me it was all a lie...and I had known it from the start too!...it's just that I had so much trust in him, I thought it was pure honesty, but I come to find now he used it to escape our perilous situation, and to "escape with out any drama", as he told me. At the time I felt I needed serious time away from him...and I gave him all the signals, and somehow made him jealous by sitting and chatting to my friend's guy friend...that was a bad mistake, and when we broke up he admitted to me that he had been gay....he now wishes to get back together with me and in order to do that he's gotta tell me that he's longer gay...but lately there is one more person who's quite fond of me...Jamie Ellette. Jamie lives in New Canaan;the town I've always dreamed to live in, although it isn't at all too far off from ours. He attends our school in Norwalk because he is interested in our Japanese Center Program-but there is a great difference between our school in theres-diversity...our school is many more times diverse than his...so that's why he tells me that he feels awquard to be in our school......Ok. Well, let me get off the guys for a bit...at the moment I only have one other friend who's not a guy. I'm a little lonely, but for the most part don't seem to mind it...I've found happiness elsewhere-through art, through music, and through other areas in which I am a sucess...well...it's late...i'll try to write more soon...i don't know if much of this makes sense even-I'm sick with a headache at the moment..when I recover I'll give you a better update with the superfluous details I know you wish to hear. Not! I'll try to make it interesting this time...I don't know if I can though...well, whatever...cya >^. .^< Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 40 (3/2/02 11:48:25 am) Reply L8tely -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm pretty content with spending the rest of my life in my cozy, brilliant, calm, artistically compiled, little blue room drawing pictures, watching music videos and listening to music-making every moment of my life one where I'm imensely indulged in pleasant tones and sounds. Lately I haven't found myself interested in my dream persuit...to become a meteorologist...and it bugs the heck out of me. But once I have some initiation I'm fine and content with studying the weather and cloud patterns for hours/reading my meteorology books like there's nothing better to do with my time. But why have I, lately, been so unmotivated? I don't have people to talk anymore-I guess that could maybe explain it, but yet I can turn myself around in a matter of seconds and feel complacently, condifidense radiating out of my every action...the pill assists me, I think...if I were ever to break off of the pill I'm quite certain that I would never get these spontaneous rushes of happieness and blithe. But I'm proud of being able to feel the best I can in times where everything fails...the only thing the pill doesn't do for me is get me motivated...I feel I'm dependent on others to help me motivate myself-I work my hardest in the presence of others...now I don't mean with others, but rather in the same room with others; in a public place such as a library or a classroom. When I'm there I guess I do it to make others interested in me and that's what motivation is all about...they are there to set my mind to working so that I can impress them and maybe the end result could be comments and compliments from them and if I am lucky they will accept me and maybe start a conversation. It's a habit-this not speaking to people, not even attempting to carry on the conversation..I'm usually sitting there when someone approaches me just wishing for their dissapearance...waiting for them to disperse and permeate in the backround...eagerly wishing for them to go somewhere entirely different so that I can go back to my own private and silent life...it's so ironic isn't it-how something I am desparately in need of...something that would help bring me to my sucess and something which I want so dearly is also something which I repel and purposely drive away!!! Well, enough writing for now... One more thing...I haven't spoken to Jamie in over three weeks now...I've heard the news of him desperatly wanting to be with me and wanting to join up with me but because we both were away last week (school vacation)-he was in Florida and I was up close to the border of Canada on Jay Peak mountain, we could never make our third date happen-the previous week and weekend we both had plans-and then this week I'm here at my dad's house cause my parents are still away and he doesn't have the number to call me up here at dad's...so I know he might just give up on me soon-something I don't want to happen, cause the more attention I recieve and the more people talk to me the more I can experience just what the normal life feels like...I hope he won't give up on me...no...I PRAY that he doesn't!! Anyway, write more l8ter I gotta go! Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 41 (3/2/02 11:51:08 am) Reply Re: Someone can make a difference... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh I should've said something earlier to you mthack and I'm so sorry I hadn't, but I did greatly appreciate your reply to those previous posts! Thanks! Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 43 (3/2/02 1:21:55 pm) Reply trapped in me: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Below is a poem I wrote one day, sometime last summer, and it expresses the feelings which I had been dealing with. I could'nt get to sleep that night, so I got up and had a sudden urge to write out my emotions at the time, I think because earlier that day I had run into some difficulties communicating at work, and numerous worries were putting a great burden on me. I worked at a snack bar this past summer for the entire month of august-somedays I ran it by myself, then other days I was paired up with a college student (who was older than me, of course). He had a sort of demanding, forceful personality, but we had worked pretty well together. (i preffered running it in my solitude-but either way I had to deal with costumers) There were times when I didn't yell out a lunch order load enough, being that I'm barely audible at times, and during the lulls of the day, when the beach had emptied out, and it had gotten really quiet in the consession stand, I wouldn't say a word to him. I had brung plenty of reading materials to keep me busy there. When I'd read during these quiet periods, I'd see him out of the corner of my eye sitting on stool on the opposite side of the room, bored out of his wits. He seemed to be very impatient and his impatience had made me really anxious, I had an excuse to not talk though, because I was reading, but I know he must've wanted me to break away from my reading at times to just converse with him. I seriously never spoke a word to him, only when I was required to I would. My poem isn't relating directly to the events of that day, just the state of mind I had that night, and have had every day for the past five years, just about. TRAPPED IN ME Trapped. Simple, true, short, to the point Stayed Non-communicative Held everything inside my mind Never spoke Never wrote Only the things that were considered "normal" Normal, perfect, nothing wrong, faultless People expect me to be No, my face isn't looking so bright People's company No, I can't invite Selfless is the best way to go From right now Sacrifice my opinions For acceptance of everyone else's Focus on others in their prescence Enough self-thinking done on my own By myself Feeling caged And afraid Of letting my true self slip away Or stay and seep out of me unexpectedly I feel And fear Simple, true, short, to the point Is all they'd like to hear plykmadsen Registered User Posts: 30 (3/5/02 6:36:08 am) Reply Re: I really -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- enjoyed reading your posts....and especially your poem....it it so similar to those I have written. P. Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 44 (3/8/02 3:44:20 pm) Reply Re: I really -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am so glad to hear my posts kept you interested...thanks for the comment! Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 47 (5/12/02 6:28:14 pm) Reply Re: Someone can make a difference... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo! What up? Well I survived the SATs on the fourth...right now I'm hoping my score will turn out to be in the upper 500's for math and around the same for verbal...I took an SAT class where I met another girl who had appeared to be social phobic throughout the first few months of the class, then she really opened up and was quite abnoxious...but I usually find when there's 2 social phobics present in a group one trys to prove that they are the loud one of the two and that they are a "better" person in general...maybe that's just a mind figure but it seems that is what really happens...I had an excuse to talk to her one night when our class was cancelled and I couldn't get a ride from my family...so she offered to drive me home...I had a wonderful chat with her in the car and we both seemed to enjoy the ride but when we were back at the class the next week she drew away from me and sat on the opposite side of the room and wouldn't bring up things to talk about the next time I sat next to her...Oh the class was a drag anyways...it was 3 and a half hours long on thurs. nights...sometimes there was tennis practice before it and boy I couldn't bear it on those days!!! My dad would bring me almost every week since my mom works until 6 and my dad only until 5...the class began @6...but all those really exhausting classes paid off for sure..I was deffinately more prepared than most kids in my school...I only worry that my scores might turn out to be lower than I expect...anyways...I start my summer job soon and allready!!!!!! I start memorial day weekend and work throughout the summer...taking little vacations here and there-I'm siked up for my summer camp-i'll be going on a biking tour two weeks w/ that same camp, camp jewell, and will be touring The Cape, Martha's Vineyard, and Nantucket!!hehe! I'm so spoiled, I know! ha! I've also uppered my dosage of Zoloft-went from 37.5 mg to 50 mg...and that felt like a great jump...went from missing 1/3 of the shots in tennis to missing none of them...went from losing games to winning games...oh it was a great decision to raise my dosage...I feel so great so superb so like a true winner! I've been wanting Jamie back yet again but he hasn't seemed to be making moves lately...he still hasn't called since February but we talked one morning before CAPT test (those are for the sophmores so the rest of the school didn't need to be in school until 10 AM! it was a good week for sure! heh! He had talked about summer but didn't mention getting back together at all He is my official reminder of the importance of people to one's life... ~Kyle a.k.a. Shyle ^. .^ "You smile a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan But how was I to know You practiced it before hand?" ~rh Edited by: Khyle85 at: 5/12/02 7:39:44 pm oldsnowman Registered User Posts: 66 (5/13/02 2:50:38 am) Reply Re: Someone can make a difference... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I feel guilty, this is almost like peeking at someone’s diary. Blue0wl99 Registered User Posts: 584 (5/13/02 1:22:48 pm) Reply Re: Someone can make a difference... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Glad to hear things are going well for you and that your summer plans looks like they'll help continue that trend. Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 52 (6/11/02 11:09:11 am) Reply ogenki desu ka? watashi wa ogenki desu ne! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey! What up peoples? Last full day of school...yawn...I'm in my last art class and there is totally nothing to do here! Very avidly, eagerly waiting for summer...cape cod/nantucket/martha's vineyard 2-week biking trip w/ camp jewell...cape cod with my aunt and grandparents...minesota for a family reunion...my beach snack bar job with lovely Conner...painting with oils in my free time...studying the sky and observing the changing climate among us...researching weather and such...But summer does have a few downsides including: preparing for the SAT 2's...preparing to retake the SAT's (studying vocabulary and making more cards up)...writing the college essay...reviewing colleges...visiting them...what a freaking pain it all is...I want to enjoy my youth for at least two months...I've been burdened with homework all year and I'm sooo sick and tired of it...today I've gotta type up a final for my english class but boy will I feel good once that's over with...I plan on biking all the way over to the Darien library and maybe stopping at Boston market for dinner afterwards...mmmm...something to look forward to....well gotta complete my math homework so I'll write more l8ter! Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 53 (6/11/02 11:18:35 am) Reply yug ecin a ot pu ekopsspoke up to a nice guy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah I got to talk to jamie in the hallway as I was coming out of math class...had to cut my convo w/ ericka short but I'll have the opporitunity to speak to her tommorow...I need her email address...I'll probably see Jamie two more times and then that's all...he'll be moved back to his New Cannan high school next yr and out of the Japanese program Well he did most of the talking really I only got to ask him two questions...either tommorow or Friday I gotta give him my email...I pray he asks me first for it but if he doesn't I'll just give him mine cause I wish to keep in contact with him! Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 55 (7/11/02 10:23:00 am) Reply Re: Someone can make a difference... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah, my biking treck was a complete and absolute life-changer....sorry to boast here...but I have let something know!! As you may or may not know, I went on a 2-week bike trip to the Cape, Martha's Vineyard and Nantucket and spent those two weeks with seven other amazing, spontaneously random but hillarious and brilliant people who had opened me up so much in that short period of time. Strangely every moment of the trip lasted and it lasted not because I was bored out of my wits but because I held on to every moment and they amassed, making me feel as if I spent a great ammount of time there...most deffinately more than two weeks. I'm so upset that the trip had to come to its cessation because now I'm back home and have no one to share with, no one to company me (or no one for me to company) besides my sweet kitty, onyx. Oh well...I have people to talk to on the internet that's for sure!! haha! Well I'll be off on my bike soon so I guess I'll finish up this entry l8ter! ~Kyle a.k.a. Shyle ^. .^ "You smile a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan But how was I to know You practiced it before hand?" ~rh Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 1 (7/25/02 9:56:03 pm) Reply Another eventful day for me...yeah...right.....haha.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- stayin' optimistic despite all the wrong things that came up today at work....I was paired up with the "new guy", Phil, for the second time...was happy to work with him once again because the first day went fantastically well (but yeah I tend to put a mental block on all of the bad things that occurred, as always...but i can only do that when good things outweigh them though)... I didn't expect Phil to be back again so it was a surprise to find that i was assigned to work with him when I entered the consession stand today, cause he'd only been a substitute at the place, filling in for my other two helpers, conner and robbie when i worked w/ him sunday...that first day I gave him a great first impression...and I had actually made a fairly large effort to assert some questions I didn't act as if I was really too interested in getting to know him and instead I kept everything flowing, put-together and in order with people's orders and what not in attempt to really avoid talking to him...(I'm so awquard and it is very ironic how I push away somthing I know I would enjoy doing if I had found success in it-never do i decide to take the chance to open up more! gosh!!!) I made him believe that I was someone else though..and was acting a little too superficial maybe?...but still he was so entirely pleased to work with me the first day that he let me keep the entire $7 worth of tips!!...I insisted that he take half, at least, but he told me it was really my job and that I had done all of the work pretty much... so anyway, today didn't turn out as good...(he still let me have all our tips)...why? well because it wasn't as busy as last time i worked with him...(beings it was sunday then) so i couldn't use doing my job as an excuse to not speak with him... : ( ok anywayz, so the day began in silence...i turned on the radio and he came over to ask if i was ok with listening to this "jerky boys" tape of conner's which has been in the player for a while (i hadn't heard it yet though)...so he flipped the play switch and took the chair next to mine at the register and we both listened very contently....the tape was hillarious-both of us were rolling and laughing histarically, of course we had the volume down pretty low because many youngsters were wandering around out there on the beach....so we switched back and forth from the tape to radio when there were customers...but the tape kept us busy and we didn't have to speak to each other much!! haha! around the peak of the day when the two tables in front of our stand were full, he took his seat, after working hard on getting the orders together, and then he begun to throw me millions of questions about this and that.... I had gotten so overwhelmed (and yeah I can really blame most of this on my not taking my pill today i guess) that I got to the point where I couldn't answer many of his questions in the way that I wanted to ...and unfortunately this is where my secret had been let out.... he finally picked up on my little anxiety disorder...I tried to say things in the shortest form possible, alarming him that I was giving up finally...so at this point i just was so fed up with myself for not being able to speak the things i wanted to without the worries...so i gave him sort of a cold shoulder...then i simply picked up my book and continued to read, as i usually do while the other two are there helping me out....but we had more customers in no time...and were busy up until it was my time to go....about ten min. before i had to leave he had asked me to stay and help him out a little more, also understanding that it would be doing a favor for me as well because i had told him about my wishes to work more hours...so i stayed another hour and in this time one of the social butterfly lifeguards invites phil out to play a few games of cards and i was actually about to commit to going out there as well but since i so often turn those kinda suggestions down i reflexively said, "Nah, maybe some other time...thanks" and i am now regretting it....I was hoping that me and him could listen to more of that "jerky boys" tape....i fear that this is my last day with him because i still am unsure if he'll be moving to our snack bar permenantly or is if he was just doing another substitution for the other guys today...time will tell Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 2 (7/25/02 10:19:01 pm) Reply you DONT want to READ THIS!!! (if you had read only what's.. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- capitalized it's so plain to see that "you don't want to read this!!" and the capitalized letters gives you more of a reason not to!!! hahahaha..................NO) Oh yeah, I have to be the bearer of more good news...Jamie's coming over...yeah...he's coming over...and TOMMOROW, yeah, T-O-M-M-O-R-O-W!!! I just about chewed my fingernails to the roots and not just bit but swallowed every hat i could find round the house!!! haha! I'm so completely nervous...we've gotten to know eachother so much better, thanks to this heavenly invention sitting in front of my beautiful face (oh boy that line just made me puke...something about something in it...i donno..haha...that was an incredibly large cheese ball for sure ((oh and did i mention that i'm lactose intolerant?)) hahahah...riiiiight) anywayz...so we've been exchanging words and he's admitted to me how incredibly sorry he is for not being able to do much....and I told him that it really didn't affect me!!! gosh...that's the worst lie i've ever told in my....hmmm......................life!!! anywhoz...i'm showing him some absolutely hillarious british comedy, "the young ones"...and also the independent film "after hours"...yeah i would've been fine w/ just that because there's no freaking speaking to do but oh of course he HAD to suggest eating out...of course..couldn't take his mind off of talking to me in person, could he!! So I'm stuck...I do like him...a lot...but mostly because of the attention I'm recieving...i know that if he ever does decide to stop liking me I'll want him to like me again..so there fore I've gotta, and its mandatory, to have feelings for him....so anywayz, gotta get some sleep tonight....write more l8ter....yeah, yeah you're all wishing my incessant chatter away by now, aren't you....i sense it! i have a weak sixth sense but i still got one, don't i? (you know sometimes i swear to the holy ghost that i've got the seventh one as well! damn can i be any more special!? haha!....nah i think i've reached my limit already!) Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 61 (8/25/02 1:29:06 am) Reply What a total bummer.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Since I'm not quite the one for explaining at this hour nor am I the one to explain it more than 5 times, which it has been, I'll just do a little copying and a little pasting of a conversation I had with a fellow SAD sufferer: paraandroid785: hey! i'm completely understanding of your current situation...recently my "stalker"..the guy who was holding a large crush on me for over 8 months now ...has suddenly stopped wanting to stay in contact with me...i'm blaming it on the little passage that i chose to put up on my AIM profile's subprofile...I noticed shortly after..like within that day or so...after he viewed the subprofile-and I'm almost certain he caught that passage about my social anxiety disorder...(no actually i didn't title or give any hint to it being SA.. paraandroid785: i just took something i posted on the SAsupport site and a humerous response that had been given to me-copied and pasted it onto subprofile..) so he must've seen that and that catalyzed the drawing away from me response...about two days after seeing that he saw it i sent an email...not concerning any of that..just a casual response to his last email to me...he didn't respond to it within two days and i saw him (cont) paraandroid785: go online quite frequently...so i sent the same email again and he still..now it's been close to week...hasn't written back to it...but like you have done, i made the truth of myself quite conspicious... HIM: hmm HIM: people don't like the truth paraandroid785: yeah i guess so...just right before i sent him this in an email..i don't know how else to express my feelings to him about it all..it's really affected me: " *Khyle785 wonders why LukeEllett has not yet responded to the previous email she sent twice...please contact Khyle785 and let her in on why LukeEllett has not given a response in recent days. Thank you for your time. This is an Automatic Response from Khyle785 on 25 Aug 02 1:41:17 AM EST." paraandroid785: he signed off right before without writing back...that jerk! lol HIM: yup paraandroid785: but i've taken the passage off of my profile..after i begun to realize his not wanting to contact me anymore i snatched it off there and replaced it w/ a life philosophy! haha! paraandroid785: feel free to check it out if ya want...and if ya can tell me if there's anything else i should ommit that might give away the fact that i have SA...could u? HIM: would you want to be with a guy or didn't have a life? HIM: who* HIM: i dont know paraandroid785: haha...i have a typo in mine as well...lol *that i have SA that would be great (forgot to comp. sent! lol) paraandroid785: well if i was the type of person who had an amazingly awesome life to make up for the life the guy lacked i would certainly not mind being with a guy such as that... paraandroid785: so do ya see how similar my situation is to yours? lol...once the other knows about our little struggle they tend to give up on us and possibly ignore us and become unnerved with us... HIM: yeah HIM: they think we're not normal paraandroid785: well what they are aiming to find is someone who is as close to themselves as possible...once they know we have a fear of speaking they know for sure that is something they don't happen to have in common...gosh i so wish he hadn't of seen my subprofile...grrrrr paraandroid785: things were really goin' good for some time there! lol HIM: at least you can talk good online paraandroid785: sorry i'm kinda boring u w/ all this stuff...i'm just really tired and so my mind is almost in sleep mode and when it is i tend to ramble on..lol...and like everything is like still fresh in my mind cause i just sent him that email and all...it took a long time for me to make that final decision...to finally decide whether or not to tell him that i have been affected by it all... HIM: I'm the one who bores people paraandroid785: well your entertaining me to a degree! (i think) if u were a bit more boring i wouldn't be telling you all this stuff...nor would i have decided to IM u in the past couple of nights...hehe : ) HIM: entertaining hahaahaha HIM: well I'm going to bed paraandroid785: ok..ttyl8ter!! HIM: see ya HIM signed off at 2:36:10 AM. So that's what happened to jamie and me... Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 14 (9/13/02 10:29:55 pm) Reply Meeting at lunchtime; -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay. Hmm..where to begin? Well I've recovered from the very harsh rejection my guy, Jamie, threw out at me...not verbally of course...he threw a jumble of confused and pixilated actions...but I am feeling a bit free, in fact...and working around it...lovely Time endorses me and certainly it has joined my side...hehe!...Ok, well... On the third day of senior year I was lonely and in such a ponderous state, sitting outside on the side door steps wishing and praying for a friend or just someone to chill with to appear...and I'd invite practically anyone...the previous two days were brilliant and I had a sense of complacency and exhaltation...mostly because the summer had changed me...opened me up in so many various ways and I was poised and ready to tackle more social situations, handling them in the ways I had practiced...but as day three rolled around I began to revisit those slightly unnerving, disturbing but also very pleasant memories of the previous years of just sitting in my solitude at lunch; either outside, in the art room or in the library...and not really open to conversing with anyone... but the positive and rewarding feeling of being back in a place crawling with other teens like myself had completely drowed out most of the thoughts of the like and I could manage to smile at every passer-by in hopes of stirring up a discourse...I was desperate for just a "Hey what's up?"...and lucky me...an invisible geenie had granted my wish within an instant...(not really but we can always keep that image in mind now, can't we!! lol) I had been sketching and assiduously planning out my little pen and inking of the tree for no more than two minutes; I look up to find two figures coming towards the steps to which I sat. I made sure to look in their direction with ease and motion the welcoming attitude my brain was directing to...but I genuinely was not exactly willing and ready to hold "the about anything conversation" of course...and it was too late to recsind the gesture I immediately threw out... The guy in the red shirt held open the door for the slightly wider girl and then he turned to me after she'd entered the doorway...in shocking, surprised tone, "Oh hey...what are you doing out here?"...Me: *shrug* just this sketch"...Him: "Cool..."....Me: "Yeah I'm just kinda...bored...it's going to take me some time to finish it"... so we kept our little discourse going....he kept pointing out what we had in common...he seemed to be a freshman...he had the look of one...he himself was in a state of shock, hearing about my being a senior....but before i told him the truth and before i let feelings of intimidation and discouragement seep into him, he let me know that he thought it to be strange finding a girl like me out alone and I could not begin to guess why he thought so...i noticed the ample number of silent breaks we'd left between topics...and I uncontrolably, almost, directed my habits of appearing to not be too interested anymore be shot out; was meandering into my sketch and focusing in on other thoughts in hopes of relieving the anxious-feelings by removing their engenderer...but I found no success in ridding of him... Learned that he's an intensely amiable person...and he's an extreme altruist and dedicates himself ultimately to others...a beautiful quality in him, by the way, I ache and burn to grasp a hold of and pick up off of him ...I gathered up more information to prove it as the days rolled on...but I knew and was quite positive of this from the first day we met...but also had a greater feeling that he was, like me, short on friends...his use of words and his topics of discussion led me into thinking he wasn't exactly a brainiac either...leading me to think that he may be a bit to provincial for me...but I thought, " Geesh, I should stop being so incredibly fastidious...I mean is my speech prize winning? Do I go far into detail every time I open my mouth? Maybe people think less of me than I do of him? Am I right?..." So I came to accept the fact that he was a bit childish in speech and not the perfect allocutionist and doesn't feel everything he says or does will be evaluated, as I do. So that's where and how we met...I'm in a state of lassitude so unfortunatley I cannot expand anymore but will possibly get around to doing so soon...(hehe) ~Kyle P.s.~Yeah, one more thing..this guy's name's Kevin...didn't know this until the next day ... I heard the gate guard at the beach where I work scream it out to me, telling me "Kevin was waiting an hour for you"....my boss called me early to tell me to come in at noon rather than eleven...on AIM I had told Kevin to stop down, only because he wished to, I told him to stop down at two..but instead, knowing I would be opening at eleven...stopped down there then...I caught him on the road just nearing the beach...I was a hair pin away from missing him!! haha..(he knew my name of course...cause he was bold enough to ask... Oh gosh...I really need serious assisstance here...I have a bad case of bulemia... but luckily and fortunately, (you could say...yeah i am pretty optimistic and positive aren't i!) only with these chips ahoy cookies my dad buys on occasions...I really begged him to NOT purchase them last trip to the store but he went right ahead and dropped them in the cart anyways, knowing and understanding that I plow through them and feel guilty afterwards about eating so many...then he just asserted to me "Well, Craig likes them..." but Craig's not going to even be staying over here this week! He's staying over at mom's!! I tried to hold off my temptations last night but, beings I was at the time really becoming anxious about the meeting with Jamie today, I said "heck" and grabbed the bag a few min. after midnight struck, tore it open and indulged myself in the wonderfully pleasing sweet and satisfying taste! But then it hit me afterwards that I had made that terribly horrorful mistake and again and I knew I just HAD to purge it...ran to the bathroom and did so...now I'm feeling even more in the trash bin!!! LoL What I need is control...and well yes, I do have some strong will power against every other unhealthy and artery clogging snack out there...haven't picked one up since Oct. of last year!!! damn!! But there's those things....and then there's chips ahoy...it's like my mind puts it in a totally different catagory...I don't know what to do to control myself!!! These cookies are manipulating me and communicating through telepathy "eat me" I SWEAR!!! haha Well if anyone has gone through similar trouble...and if any of you has recovered please let me know... Oh yeah and I know this doesn't have much to do with social anxiety but there are ways to link it of course!!! Feelings of loneliness/ depression and low self esteem can lead us to eating disorders...and those symptoms turn up quite frequently in us social phobics! i can tell you that little! haha! (well that is those who aren't on med's or are on an insignificant dosage...((which reminds me...haven't told my parents to bring me to the doctor so that he can raise my 25mg of zoloft to 50mg...yeah, that would do me some good for sure!)) Thanks for listening!!! ~Kyle >^. .^< shawn20k Registered User Posts: 24 (9/26/02 3:37:14 am) Reply Re: Meeting at lunchtime; -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If anyone ever needs to write a book report kyle's your guy lol, just messin around. Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 21 (9/27/02 5:16:53 pm) Reply Intended to be an email but it's too excessive so... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am so incredibly lethargic at the moment...so far this has been the longest week of senior year, I've convinced myself...Today after school I spent an ample ammount of time trying to understand and comprehend the calculus chapter we'd gone over this past week ..The time I should've gone over this material was Tuesday and Wednesday; the two days before the test on Thursday...I was pressured, after the cessation of school Wednesday afternoon, to finish a peice of artwork in Mr. Tate's room , and yes it would've been best to instead stroll on over to my calculus teacher so to recieve some help and review of all of the intricate concepts that every other student had allready (assumption) understood fully...I was apprehensvie to do so, due to what Mr. tate had vocalized; that he was intending on taking the components of the still life down the following day..so I was anxious and worrysome of not completing it in such a short period of time and decided to put the calculus aside and focus on what had been most urgent...and since you're in the class you most deffinately know our still life has continued to look identical to the way it looked two weeks ago when he first set it up and had given us the assignment. So I'd failed to work up to my internal full potential on the test for calc yesterday...and it's left me so...overwhelmed...Calculus is so esoteric, as with the majority of math courses...and I just hadn't put enough effort into reviewing and trying to translate/disect the notes he'd given us in class...since this is such a high level class, he's been flying through the notes up on the board and theorems and it leaves little time for me to ingest it all and begin to link things together...he just gives us a glimpse at what we need to examine further in our own time it seems... Also, I walk out of Japanese class pretty much unstable, my mind flooding with dreadfull negative thoughts about my classroom performance...and I believe I've told you, plenty enough, how much animosity I hold towards my new Sensei, and if I haven't well should I begin? I'll be concise: She does everything orally and if you aren't oratory you fail for classroom participation...or at least that's the feeling you leave the class with...(you leave school with it as well) we do practically nothing written...no worksheets..no work up on the board....everything is speaking and I find it quite difficult to be prolix-I freeze up every class...and I get the same feeling while conversing with the homestay that enjoys chillin' with us at lunch...(he's in the japanese class as well so that makes me fear screwing up even more when I speak and ups the level of anxiety)...so that's another reason why I'm for the most part worn by the time fifth period hits and I'm trapped with caculus...And once that bell rings I'm extricated and can finally feel at ease...and the lunch room or library welcomes me with the message: "don't fret..there are plenty of others present here who are underachievers and never once had they needed to feel so much stress...but there are also those who view you this way, who feel their lives are even more burdensome that your own"... Ok well this was intended to be an email for a friend but I don't want to trample him with my effusive, garrulous neverending paragraphs of stuff that doesn't concern him so..hehe...I'm just going to post it up here..hehe!!! Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 22 (9/27/02 5:18:53 pm) Reply Let me just keep this one under the same topic..hehe -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm so determined to turn around my entire personality. I'll do anything and everything and be sure to include an outing with one of my friends at least once every week. I feel things will start to look on the brighter side if I do so-I'm an optimist and surely optimistic that I can be that complacent and confident person who's hiding far back in my mind...I will successfully rescue that person from the plainitive and mealoncholy surrounding...and become what I've always ached to be... Verily, I'm doing this in great attempts to grasp ahold of a guy I've become aquainted with's attention. Mainly because I feel he's pulling himself away from me and its quite obvious as to why he's choosing to do so. I've been giving him too many clues on this diffidence of mine-this low self image thing-and so I will gracefully pick up and dust myself off applying a keen sparkling smile to this face of mine. I will also rekindle my relationship with a close friend I gave up on and betrayed wrongfully last year. I will show her my appreciation and eagerness to become best of friends once more...These are goals I choose not to give up on. Wish me luck with them!! ophelia333 Registered User Posts: 188 (9/27/02 6:47:31 pm) Reply Re: Let me just keep this one under the same topic..hehe -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- good luck! its rather interesting how youve been using this place as a personal online journal. its better than the "Real World." youre a good writer, what made you want to do this here? i think its great. my cousin is a meteorologist and i think its the coolest thing. for someone with bulemia and sad you seem to be a very well-rounded person. good for you. keep writing! im reading... ophelia Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 26 (9/28/02 9:10:27 pm) Reply Re: Someone can make a difference... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry I just grow so attached to my posts..so I've decided to pluck out the ones I feel are important to me and attach them to my excessive collection! lol!! Don't feel pressured to respond to my forum when you see it at the top of the page...feel free to do so if your up for it but if you just enjoy reading, or listening rather, and not quite one for responding, or you just don't have much time on your hands please pass on by...and don't feel like your doing something reprehensible!! It's absolutely Okay!! I have the habit of doing the exact same thing... Sleep clears all and everything out of the spectrum and I recover myself during this time, falling into brillant unconscious worlds and spectacular spots... but as my day runs it's regular, quotidian course I find myself back in similar situations which I had been in the previous day...of course my 50mg Zoloft pill helps control the horrible thoughts I find occupy my mind when I'm without it...on the days I forget to ingest it, or just forget to bring it over to the other parent's house, which makes it not possible to take it, I get so terribly down that day...but wake the next morning, after a depressed-ridden day of hopelessness and anxieties that pull me into a listless state, I wake feeling renewed and reactivated... if I don't get the chance to finish a dream I wake dissapointed because I hadn't had enough time to let the unconciousness extract and drain out the thoughts I had been holding close to me the previous day... I often try to bring myself back to the dream while I'm awake and in first or second period at school...it's incredibly unnerving when this does occur...but for the most part I wake to a new beggining--but once my mind heaves me into the Real World I find myself back to the state I'd been in the previous day, with similar views of the world I'd held then bouyantly drifting about in this mind of mine...well I g2g..cya guyz!!!! ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 27 (10/4/02 9:21:16 pm) Reply Mistakes Mistaken -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Currently I have a Japanese homestay impending me, shawdowing me and also manipulating me, critizing me and being very "un-Japanese". I'm thrown into a really awquard situation when I come in contact with him. And the both of us speak little of each...him a little English and me a little Japanese so it's incredibly hard to get a point across...put that struggle on top of the precarious pile of anxieties I sit upon...and you can just pray you don't fall over and break something on the concrete pavement below, metaphorically... Yesterday I played a few games of tennis with him shortly after the cessation of school. Once again my performance was flagrant to a degree and I had, a countless number of times, screwed up or missed all together when normally when I'm at ease, playing with either mom, dad, or my tennis teacher I have many successes getting the ball to the other side, in the boxes. I'm fairly good when I'm playing in clothing suitable for tennis. Yes, that was another factor that led to mishaps. I refused to "seetaa o negu" (take off) my black zipper fleece in the seventy one degree weather. But I didn't complain much about it...despite that I was certain that it was affecting my overall performance, most deffinately. But being a very self conscious girl with a semi-revealing green t-shirt underneath, I refused to remove heavy and sultry covering. Good thing the sun had been obscured! haha! Then he'd apply force on me to detach it from a firm grasp! I had also been wearing my jeans and normally have either shorts or a skirt so it was a challenge to run around and use my full radius... Half way into our games he told me that his arm was bad...he called out several times..."Use left" and I wasn't clear as to why he had been advising so...and he tried to go deeper into explaining but the miniscule ammount I picked up from that was that I was doing something a little different...I had wondered why he was serving so horribly and was serving much better the previous week. I seriously thought he'd damaged his arm somehow, so I strolled over to him and sympathetically asked "Your arm hurts? Ga ittai? We can stop playing if you want..."...he told me it was alright and then ran over to his electronic dictionary and expediently typed in what he wanted me to understand then handed it to me: "one's dominant arm/side/hand" was the translation of the Japanese on the screen...and he said "girl play with left hand"...Me: "girls play with left hand in japan?"...Him: "No...japanese custom-when a guy play tennis with girl, use left hand...maybe girl lose when guy play girl using right hand...You may be loser with left!!" and that comment really brought me down but it was truely comprehendable. This was truely a strange discovery...never had I known that things worked that way in Japan...It's quite belittling and condescending, almost offensive. They view girls' skills as an inferior to guys...but I guess that there are American customs similar... Anywayz, after I quit and told him I was too "tsukareta" (worn) to continue he asked, "What are you doing? Are you free now?"...I said I'd nothing to do and assented and sanctioned his wanting to come and chill at my house...this time I led him to my mom's place and he was still puzzled as to why I lived in two different houses. I explained to hispm divorce but not so perfectly. And had also spelled it out in his dictionary. I showed him mom's place...compliantly filled him a glass of orange juice...was done his jaw dropped open when he took just one glimpse of the back yard and the gargantuan of a yard it is. He was eager to see my room...just as he had been at dad's. I tried to distract him by showing him the other corridors of the house...offered that he could play piano-he said "No...me bad"...Asked if he was interested in chilling in the den to watch TV...but he wanted to get up to my private quarters on the upper level of the house hold...So I very reluctantly climbed up our stairs, him directly behind, and showed him the two other rooms to which Craig and Kevin reside. Next challange: Entering my room. I'd continued to walk down a shakey track, foreseeing a train wreck. It was rigorous and tantalizing...and I kept fearing an emergency in which I wouldn't be capable of speaking up for me self in...I knew where this track was heading towards...guys have identical obbsessions with this one thing at the age they're at right now and I knew he'd try and do something abhorrent and profane with me sooner or later. He insisted I move from my comfy desk chair and take a seat uncomfortably close to him on my bed...so I proceeded to follow his order and sat there, introverted and showing signs of resistance...It was extremely awquard because I felt rushed to speak Japanese I did not know quite yet and in the process of learning...it's really his fault for urging me to speak the language...I just couldn't deal and felt almost sick to my stomache wishing to be extricated from the mental grasp on me...he asked me questions about this and that but because we don't really know a great deal...enough to express our true thoughts and paridigms of the world surrounding us...we couldn't comminicate some crucial comments...like he'd pick up something I'm sort of ashamed of having in room and I couldn't quite explain the reasons behind the item. He must have aquired a terribly horrible impression of me.... For example, he was scanning my bookshelf, out of boredom, grasped hold of a Japanese comic I had purchased in Japan two years ago, then gave me a wry face and started cracking up....I had been aware that it was a violent comic but the date I purchased it I didn't have a clue...lets just say I chose it for its aesthetic properties...he translated the title which I had always thought was the name of the girl pictured on the cover, "Uwasa"...but he punched the word into his electronic dictionary and gave me the meaning of it: gossip...gosh and I'm certainly not a gossiper...he flipped to a page where the girl had been recieving a kiss from a guy, and I knew he was trying to communicate an implication to me...so things got a little hard to bear...because I seemed countries apart from him...millions of miles perhaps, he chose to withhold the desires he felt towards me...I knew exactly what he wanted to do, just as many other hormone-ridden guys my age...I really don't blame him though...I had given him nothing to do..well I suggested playing piano, watching tv, listening to my music (which he said he disliked), or working on homework...but since he chose neither of these we were sitting on my bed in dazes, really not sure how to handle things...I grew so incredibly nervous...I wanted him out...my brother returned from school-well no let me say connecting with the field hockey players at practice...haha...so he energized things...brought me to talking somemore, of course, since me and my little brother can be really close at times... So I had beaten myself up plenty...for not playing tennis efficiently, for not speaking the Japanese I knew and for not speaking the Japanese I should know but don't....haha...on our walk home I taught him a few english words/helped him with grammer a bit and he assisted me as well....we left eachother, once again, quite uncomfortably, thinking over the preceding events of the afternoon. This was yesterday: lets get on to today: I was caught in the act of breaking a promise to him. After Japanese class I was feeling horrible because of the events of yesterday...so to make it up to him I promised after class that I'd write...or well finish the letter I had started to write to him...I sat through Calculus and was burdened with classwork so made no time to finally conclude his letter...since I hadn't done so I decided to flee from the situation...I made my exit...fled upstairs and took a seat in the library...Anthony not too long after appeared and he greatly assisted me on the Calculus I didn't pick up on the previous class period. Pep rally-the People's day...Unfortunately Daisy had taken a seat right under Jamie, who, like he's done quite often these days, sent a haughty and condescending gaze aimed toward me. I took the seat, unwillingly, wishing Daisy'd want to move up a few benches to chill next to Zeneida...but no luck...but we did move down one, which I found relieving! I enjoyed it though...truely...you can just kick back and clap and entairnment's right there in front of your face...I spied Craig in the Freshman benches, abnoxiously yelping out obsenities. I found it to be incredibly hillarious. I made myself a bit more salient by waving my arms around and in turn got an "up yours" hand signal from him! But ya know that's a cool relationship to have with a younger brother...it's a good sign, verily!! lol...After the rally came to its grand fineally and ceased, I exited with Zeneida and Daisy...because of the flowing and excessively large crowded coming out of the door way, it took us some time to get the picture taken...I then turn to find my Japanese friend staring at me, looking and sounding hurt..."Kairu, you lie...lunch time...where were you? you lie...uso..." and I tried to begin to explain but it was so incredibly difficult to do so...and it's now tearing me apart...I ran into him at the foot ball game and my heart just dropped and stopped beating for an inciment of time...I wanted to say something...he didn't bother to say "hi" when I saw him either...just walked away...I feel so bad...I'll write double and in Japanese and hopefully that'll make up for the little mishap... I spent the afternoon looking forward to the evening at the game with Kevin-we got there...sat down for a while...Anthony took a seat at our side, which I didn't appreciate because I feel that he may be becoming my leech...I mean he pulls and attempts to pull me away from my friend Kevin at every chance he gets...after about twenty minutes into the game he informed me that he wished to meet up with Katie, so that's what we did...Katie and three of her friends...I kinda acted as Kevin's shadow...kinda hung around in the backround, seeing I don't know Katies' friends nor Katie all too well...and of course I wouldn't speak up to a group of girls in front of a guy (those damn Rules don't permit it!) (sorry i'm not putting an intense ammount of effort in constructing this paragraph, beings I'm in this very lethargic, sleepy state...) Anyways, I just had about enough of the silence mask-wanted to rip it off but I didn't want to detinate the relationship between me and Clancy...I'd rather be a mystery, if ya know what I'm talking about...ok well I ran into a fair ammount of people who know me...they all greeted me-especially my offical stalkers: Ben Reid, Brendon Apy, and Jace Chinzee....lol....right after the entire football ceased...two of them, Jace and Brendon were hounding me...really paying an extreme ammount of attention to me and my taciturness...they commented non-stop on my every action...the hand signals, the pulling back from them and the folding of my arms...they wanted me to talk..so I said a few sarcastic things...and then they wanted me to say more...I refused...it's fun playing shy... I could've talked...sure but I chose not to...I enjoy pulling away...I mean they're people who like me and who I wish to continue liking me...Kevin was kinda silent not really participating in their little game with me... WELL...I gotta get up early tommorow...going to the Cape for bike riding with dad!! I'll have a s...load of fun..lol..sorry I'm tired out...geesh! ~Kyle Edited by: Khyle785 at: 10/6/02 6:25:18 pm Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 29 (10/7/02 8:01:17 am) Reply Re: Someone can make a difference... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Something I posted in response to "fromthemorning"'s post in the General Discussion which he never read nor responded to!! Grrrr! hehe....I'm not that affected by it though...lol...don't worry...I'm not going to turn suicidal or nothing !!!! haha! "Wow...I'm terribly similar to you in that currently I don't have anyone else to hang with really besides a guy friend who I met just recently. (In the Triumphs area of this messege community I posted how and where we me if your curious...titled "Meeting at lunch"..just if you are fond of details and whatnot) So anyways I feel the only way I can keep this new guy friend, Kevin, interested in me is if I appear to be some one worth his time-if I appear to be someone who constantly is radiating with genuine confidense...but with out other associates-other people to up my self complacency-it's very likely that he'll lose that zealous persistant interest he has in getting to know me a bit better... Yes I do have other friends for sure but just as you have done I inadvertantly push them away and too often turn down invitations and such...last year I lost the best friend of five years...I was relieved to find myself out of her parameters but not too long after I had tore down what was always known to be a seemingly eternal friendship I had serious regrets, although at the same time I did wish for this new solitude I had gained.. Over time negative feelings and loneliness began to consume me. (there actually is much more to this story concerning the true reasons for the parting...but I'm in no mood to go into detail at the moment-sorry... ) I had recieved the oppuritunity to rekindle our friendship and start from scratch and seized it...it was the very first day of senior year-I spied her in the crowd of freshman and other fellow seniors and very optimistically I approached her to initiative a discourse. It was success...I wrote her two notes which I had never gotten a call /note back in response to either so I feel I'll have to work even harder to grasp hold of the friendship we once had...it'll take a while but I feel things may just be back to the way they were a year ago... Anywayz, I have another guy-friend besides Kevin who's social phobic as well and I believe, fairly certain, he's unaware of it..I've never been so bold to bring up the subject- fearing that things may turn awquard... I'm the only friend he's got...we've known eachother for about a year...actually, that friend who I had lost was the one who had connected the two of us...if it weren't for her we would still be absolute strangers-seeing that we are both quite apprehensive to start a conversation with all too many peers...So me and him are pretty close friends but it's quite difficult to discuss in person a.k.a. "Reality" what we openly, candidly discuss here on the internet via Instant Messege... Okay, well I've said plenty and nearing a state of lassitude so I will cease the rambling on...lol...catch ya l8ter... oh but before I leave I'm just going to suggest: you should deffinately retrieve your friend's phone #...when you're lonely , phone her up and you'll find that the loneliness will diffuse and disperse...For your sleeping troubles: just think of dreaming as your lying awake in your bed...don't think of reality...just focus on what you remember yourself focusing in on in sleep...in other words try to think of previous dream scenarios...Most always that's what I do to coerce myself to drift into the unconscious dream world while I'm lying there drowning in a pool of recollections of previous mishaps and anxieties....hope this helps!!" ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 34 (10/7/02 9:52:41 am) Reply Escaped unscathed!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everyone slept late this morning cause I very deliriously went to sleep last night thinking my alarm had been set, but it obviously wasn't because we ALL woke up five past seven thirty this morning!! Blah!! I was too shy to walk in my first period class today twenty minutes late, even with the note...and just really wasn't in the mood for school all together..so my solution was: Wait furtively by the exit doors for homeroom... Sick of waiting...contemplating grabbing a cold soda from the snack machines... Someone else from my homeroom was waiting by machines when I went to peek around the corner... Ran back to my back pack by the exit doors Scooped it up and ran out the building, across the road...across the side feild and down the sidewalk fifteen minutes...crossed the street, cut through the woods and safely got myself into my home sweet home... And I'm having a grand ol time on this laptop currently!! lol! and listening to the beatles! But what to do tommorow? Forge a note possibly? ooo i'm a baaad gurl....i like four day weeks though...I dislike make-up work, which I'll deffinately have...well...whatever...i feel that it's worth it...i'm sooo tired...hehe...anyone have similar experiences? But I mean shy or not shy, everyone in the school wants out of it...and WILL skip every so often! ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 42 (10/12/02 12:14:03 pm) Reply From the Alex I knew six months straight -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey Kyle I guess things have been really turned upside down lately, I really don't know where to begin. I guess I should say before Zenieda says (to try to hurt you which I don't understand) That I'm not Gay which is true, but I have not dated or seen antoher girl since the time we broke up. I'll try to start this from the start. As you know our relationship was in peril as it was, times were tuff with college and your mom's marrige I felt we had come so far in the summer, but lost alot of our love in the fall. Things really fell apart when I become jealous when Zenieda said Anthony majorly was crushing on you it hurt alot. I would spy or catch a gance at you with him and it was just you and him. I felt so betrayed when you would talk to him and nod your head happily, but it seemed with me at lunch you'd always show up late and didn't say much, occasionally you'd smile, and after no kiss on the cheek no hug (even my friends ive me at least a hug) So everyday was hell, I could feel a terrible pain everyday, such betrayal, I couldn't think about anything else, I liked you but I got no love back when the subject of Anthony came up you seemed to avoid the subject. So then my vivid imagination made me think you were cheating on me just like Zenieda did to Martin, I couldn't take this love less relationship anymore and then the fear of being cut like Martin, I didn't want that to be my fate. ( I also thought saying I was gay was because I didn't want any tension between you, Anthony, or Zenieda I too wanted to go out with out any drama) Anyhow it felt like Zenieda was against me anyhow (oh I know about that not you gave to Anthony about Zenieda Anthonys' a backstabber-he's such a bitchmoid), So as Asaba-kun says I will not fight a losing battle. I mean Zenida made it clear she said things like about how you sat on Anthony's lap on the way to that church youth group then she would say I'm just kidding, but it hurt, how would you feel? I think all the mishaps were due to lack of communication between us. Anyway all this time I thought were going out with Anthony, by saying I was gay I got to go out with some dignity and no hard feelings I didn't want to say you were a bitch because you're not a bitch Kyle, you're a human being, nobody should have to be heartbroken, but that's life. I figured you and Anthony were going out I saw you at lunch a alot, but I said hey thats the flow of things she's probably beter off with him. I was glad when you still emailed me I always check my mail I love to hear from you and I like to reminesce of all the good times we've had you were my longest relationship thank you! I just wish we could have communicated more and been more intimate maybe kissed, lie on the bed listen to music, hold each other, say we love one another, you know if your shy maybe you should do what I used to do write down things to converse about during a date (it works!) Zenieda too also got in the way of our relationship why did she bring Anthony into our lives anyhow whats the point to if it causes your friend pain, I never liked her and instead of admiting her mistakes in your friendship she just turns you away, this is why I told her to go fuck yourself when she said you were a bitch, because you still my friend forever, maybe someday something more. I liked being with you it was so much fun, don't be down on yourself, maybe it was because you always had Zenieda asking about our relationship I don't want to make her the scapegoat though we are as much to blame as anyone. Well I'm guessing you either hate me or are indifferent toward me how I lied but now you see the reasons why I hated having this pain, my imagination could imagin what I wanted only causing me pain, I'm sorry forgive me... I miss you smile it's still the #1 cutest smile in my book! Alex Take care what ever may come do your best P.s. If you were wondering what I've been doing well sulking over you, drinking, seeing movies, and lots of script writing that sums up past couple months! I think we should be very proud of our relationship we had something the majority of H.S. students never get a long relationship writing notes/ drawings to each other not many get that, as far as I've seen p.s. If I do ever see you again, I want you to please read my comic, I think you'd like it one of your poems inspired it- "trapped in me". _________________________________________ Last night I was just about to crawl into bed but decided on a whim to search for the old "Alex notes"..picked up the jammed packed folder that contians all sixty something notes from him to me...what's above was the very last one which he'd written-was written approx. four months after we split up...I had accepted the fact that he was truely gay throughout those months but this letter was a true shocker...something I never expected although I always felt that he'd been lying about the gay-thing... I don't know...I just feel like sharing it now...It stills unbelievable to think of someone who had dedicated so much of their life to me...that I was their inspiration... Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 67 (10/19/02 8:32:16 pm) Reply Art ArtartArt art--------------------------tra trAtratrA trA -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello, WELL. It was nice to be a shadower..a leech...or well let me say it's nice to know someone is accepting of my clinging tendencies...hmm... Well I'm not quite a clinging person...I know that if Kevin hadn't come I'd either be not minding of scanning the museum kept to myself within the group, or I'd have another person to run up to and talk to. Which actually I did, Jaspree, and she was quite upset at me for being so negligent towards her and the fact that I chose to sit with Kevin on the bus ride as opposed to her. I didn't want to turn Kevin down-well no its quite hard for ME to turn him down-he seems to show apathy towards me. Or well, maybe not...I never quite understand the way that he thinks...he has an intricate personality...it's profoundly difficult to translate a guy like him. But I'm almost certain that if I mentioned to him that I had another friend wanting to sit with me he would've urged me to go sit with her...but I chose not to motion to him anything about her...cause he actually appeared to be dependent on my being there for him this time... I inadvertantly bumped into Jaspree, in the bathroom ten minuets before we needed to be down in the school's main hallway to meet up and set off...This is where I felt I needed to confess to her the seating arrangement plan she totally was not expecting...it seemed to really ruin her day and I had this sick slush rushing through my bloodstream after telling her, aching for her to be understanding of the fact that I was looking forward, as well as he, to this art trip for a little over a month now...and she asked me a few weeks after I first found out about it... So I took one glance at my face, well the reflected version rather, and that's all I could because my friend had her eyes fixed on me, still injesting the very last-second news I expressed to her with a sorta perplexed expression showing through her. That one glance I took at my reflection sickened me almost. I felt so guilty. Me and her escaped the mirror-cosmetical-girly sanctuary where usually it's flooding with girls applying color and powders and ingredients (lol) to their dull and pimple-laced faces...and I hate stereotyping...it isn't just one particular type of girl either (haha and not all have pimples...the ones that are little more concious of their appearances buy creams to rid them)..not one type but the entire crowd of girls that attends the slightly smaller than Norwalk High, Brien McMahon who strives for perfect self image and so often glance at the mirror between classes. It initially wasn't my idea to buy snacks at the school store...my medications' kicking back once again and literally controlling and dominating, with the power of HAPPINESS and contentness, the feelings of depression and so my body doesn't call out for chocolate or rather food in general. So I had no intentions of really eating at all today...but Jaspree wanted to purchase a few bags of chips...I went in too...well just to observe and contemplate on purchasing the usual w/ the $20 dad gave me to spend on whatever in the city...I really wasn't tempted to buy much of anything...but the image of Kevin hovered over me in my mind...and I thought back to his collection of candy wrappers to which he pulled out and showed me Thursday when we both hung out in the Library at lunchtime..he had claimed that "boredom" made him do this (I think he's kept a tally of those times where I told him it was "boredom" that forced me into doing other various things...it surprised me to hear he took what I said those times and stored it away in the memory box up in his brain!) Suddenly two hands came from behind me and grasped onto my shoulders...I was in process of purchasing 2 Starbursts packages, planning to surprise him, with Jaspree and a friend of hers directly behind,...but Kevin got to surprising before me!!! We gathered in that main hallway, on exiting the school store I break away from Jaspree with a subtle frown and a shrug and now was Kevin's shadow for the day. Each and everyone gathered for the trip kinda seperated into their own little conversing groups....the next moment I look up and Kevin's taken off-he'd acted a bit ingenuous around the person whom he walked over to-said something a bit childish (sometimes he reminds me so much of the Brian, the one who'd been attracted to me my sophmore yr for a few months on end-he can be extremely childlike...naive) Within two seconds he was back to me. He is deffinately lacking a great degree of patience and was deffinately fidgity waiting with me until Tate called out my name, last one on the list. Once my name was called I walked out the double-doors and took a seat on the tour bus... Kevin shuffeled into the bus and then snatched the window-seat before I could...but I really wasn't minding, as always; Kevin and his polite manner offered to give me the window on the trip back to Norwalk. So it was All Good. No anxieties lay within my mind...No controling manipulating thoughts and reflexes that tend to turn the entire face red with the an overpowering sweat and shakey fingers...nothing of the sort...just ease...peace...I kept my bag on my lap so to obscure my slightly rotund thighs...he kinda did the same thing with his...sorta unconsciously...we both hooked up our headphones and affixed them to our ears...of course I made sure I said plenty to him...and I did, but he didn't seem to beincredibly interested, although he did acknowlege the things I said...I didn't feel overwhelmed with a sense of dejection...I carried on not terribly minding it at all...just thought back to how accepting he was of me...how much he's done with me and how willing he was to be around me. Mr. Tate hit the VCR switch and forced a tape in..a movie to which Kevin enjoyed, having seen it before... I opened the backpack which was no more than a foot and a half away from my face and extracted the book that lay within. I really was eager to read; but I had allready lost my place several times, because I felt every so often Kevins eyes rotate and fix in on the book and me and zoom in on the page number (assuption...doubting though)..but yeah he turned and looked at me every now and then...this made me lose my place..but I wanted him to sense that I knew what I was reading...so I just scanned the lines back and forth with my eyes...looking as if I was reading. I picked up some things here and there but I was not totally comprehending. It was so incoherent after a half an hour but I continued...and will deffinately re-read those bunch of pages here at home..lol We arrived at the Gugenhiem museum, stepped out onto the sidewalk. Kevin made sure I never left his side and was constantly aware of where I was present, knowing my tendencies to abscond and disperse into the backround. We stuck by eachother in the main lobby...we stuck by eachother at every exibit to which had been featured in the Gugenhiem...if I stepped away or if I chose to ask Jaspree something he'd trot over to me and grab my sleeve with a glimmer in his eyes, pulling me away, wishing to show me one thing or another. He's a brilliant guy...he just tries too hard to fit in with rest of the group. He appears to be an exceptionally unnerving guy in other's points of view, including me at times (but I accept it), and especially those to which he was slightly interested in more than he was in me. Still, he was constantly with me made obvious attempts to block the others out. I managed to comment on artworks...I managed to speak sarcasm...I said very little though...just curt and terse sentences...so as not peruade him into leaving me screaming o heck and bloody heck...anywho...it was an blithfull exuberant inspiring amuzing wonderfull brilliant and incitefull place to be with him...I SO ENJOYED IT ALL!! Next stop: the Metropolitan Museum: Kevin expressed to me his wish for just me and him to break off from the aggregation of art students once we had exited the gathering room to which we waited together...Mr. Tate warned for us to not split up and lose one another but Kevin avidly waited for us to do so...and others as well broke away and traveled in their own pairs. Outside the waiting quarters and into the Metropolitan we climbed the stairwell as a whole..then furtively wandered away...the annoying "vannilla coke-obbsessed" kid spotted us and chased us in circles through out the rooms...Me and Kevin scrambled away and lost ourselves in the crowd in order to extricate ourselves from his shallow, garrulous never-ending speeches about politics and what not and the divisions of communism/socialism/and I doubt he knew an incredibly large ammount about that to which he chose to speak of...I was almost livid at his pestering us and soliciting that question "Are you two a couple? Is that your girl? Are you SURE that's not your girl?"...We both wanted to slap him... On our own, as a duo, we traveled and explored the various corridors of the gargantuous museum and it's voluminity..or so it seemed...Kevin preffered to breeze on through...I wanted to read and ingest, soak up all the information-picking up the stories behind each treasured and priceless item kept behind the glass--and I deffinately was free to do that. Instead I went with what Kevin was willing to do...we explored everything we could...as if the place was a wonderful, facinating maze of things to fix our eyes on but that wasn't the purpose of going...if we wanted to just look--well maybe it was the purpose of going but just looking didn't quite cut it for me... Near the cessation of a journey we traveled upstairs to the European painting rooms to do our assignment: 15 min. sketch of painting of your choice and a decription about the meaning/purpose behind the same or a different painting under the same area of the museum...I couldn't sketch with him around...he couldn't sketch with me around..so I sat in one room while he sat in another..and very soon, before the 15min. had been spent, he comes up to join me and watch me sketch, with a brillant happy look in those amiable pools of blue irises to which he was observing me from: what was his paradigm of me? What was that warm messege on his face? Why was he hooking his MetM. pin to my hair? Lol...I just wanted him to admit feelings...and that's all I had prayed for...for him to truly admit the ways in which he feels towards me..or that he admires me as a person...that he wishes to do more things with me (i.e. skiing in the future, watching movies together...)...but at least he made pleasant comments towards my sketching..I really enjoyed that... With not much more to look at we headed over to the Met. Cafe so that I could grab a bottle of water-mainly to relenquish my desiccated peeling and cracking lips...in the line, there was a rack of snacks including doughnuts. He picked out a chocolate glazed and sprinkles. I purchased for myself a fruit cup and water...we took a seat at the first open table in sight. It just so happens Christina and the annoying kid are sitting together at a longer table just behind and diagonal from the table we so randomly chose...I frowned...Kevin went over to initiate conversation with Christina..she wasn't so willing to speak with him though..so he started a discourse with the "vannilla coke" kid...they bickered, argued and held countless discords; Kevin was so disdainful towards him, such contempt, hatred and willing to rip the kid off the high pedestool to which the kid had placed himself in his own mind. I disliked horribly how Kevin had handled speaking to him...the condescention he directed and suffused throughout their conversing...I sat at the two seater table, doing nothing after injesting all the sweet, indulging, delightful cuts of grapes, pinnapples, melons, cantalopes...so I went ahead and tried to complete the written portion of the assignment...Kevin rejoined me now that he saw I was busy putting words onto paper and sat there staring straight into my face...I look up and he's there-gauking which was weird...but I guess he felt uncomfortable sensing my condescending look I threw back at him..so he ceased... We then headed back to the underground...me and him kinda drifted away here...he was interested in the sociable group...and so I sat there, next to a few others, just in a silence and in a patient, collected state...I turned to glance at the girl next to me who was flipping through Teresa's sketchbook-commented... and I then decided to go and join Jaspree...I stood by them, chatted with them on the walk back to our bus... After boarding the fresh-smelling tour bus I took the window in the row we'd sat before. In relief, we both sat toghether, enjoying one another's occupying the seats...I read once again with the Doves Cd on Low volume...it was pure leisure...Kevin continued to be as a candor person as he could vocalizing aloud and in a brazen tone of voice-loud enough for the row of girls in front to look back and give him a smile every now and then and loud enough so Tate could make out his rambling...he screamed out whatever he felt he wanted to say...which I envied... After the movie concluded Kevin then turned to me with the smiling eyes again...contently focused on my reading the novel or well "reading" I should say...he was trying and attempting to read with me here and there..then snatched the book from my grasp and read...speed-read and I seriously knew that he was biffing telling me he'd read all the pages he had...because he's expressed already how much of a reader he isn't...but then he asked me a strange question..and I dumbly shrugged...but let this all pass...Once I re-read those pages of the book I'll prove to him he hadn't really read those sections...hehe Later on he detracted the headphones from my ears and put his on me and took mine and we listened to eachother's CDs..he had Linkin' Park blasting...had me listen to a few tracks...and I selected a few Doves tracks for him to preview...and I honestly felt a strong connection here...but no words were filling it....the music was... and then just a glance and a quick smile...given to me by him and then reciprocated the same...it was a day I'll remember for a loonnngg time...(judging by our family's average life span I'll be on Earth at least another 80 something years more...and currently I'm in good health as well...but do I really need to live so long? Well if we're going to research the world, hold deep careers we'll need the extra time)... Anyways, me and Kevin plan to go to the city once again..on Monday night because my B-day's tommorow!!!!!!!!!!! My mom bought me and him tickets to see No Doubt...which will be his very first concert...actually it was my aunt who'd suggested we see it...and she originally bought me a ticket but she's given that third ticket to her latested man-friend (he's pretty old)...I'm saturated with anticipation for that day!!! and same for him!! !!! Well, I'll write more when I'm in the mood to which will be soon....I'm SEVENTEEN!!! (My lucky # since age 9) Edited by: Khyle85 at: 10/21/02 3:13:03 pm Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 72 (10/25/02 4:23:30 pm) Reply A DifFereNt ToNE -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A conclution I fall upon more than once. Practically every time A conclution to a seemingly eternal connection My was it decieving; Guess I shouldn't be so damn creduluous next time Guess I shouldn't be believing that it will last Who else thinks about the end As much as I? Those who have built A firm and adamant connection with me Left; Left me with the impression of only wanting A series of curt ephemeral relationships...Superficial They couldn't think about the end Or maybe I'm wrong Because as I see things now A picture of leaving Earth with me is Asking too asking too too much of them The wick which lays deep within my skin is Aching to be kept set ablaze It desires being kept lit And warming everything in proximity to it. This can no doubt be acheived With harmonious, euphonious, profound tones Stimulating The corridors of my mind And in turn Encouraging them to be Pushed outside the cell of my head, Suffusing wonderful exhilirating thoughts You could be every song in the world for me My radio's easily disposed of... But you weren't willing to replace it And you wouldn't trash your CD's for me As if I didn't have- As if I didn't have the same affect on your mind, your ssoul That same effect you have on me You've neglected all that I do You've extracted yourself from my reach I can't stretch that far , you know At least not quite yet Nostalgic, I'm drowning in a pool of memories Sweet smiles The notes in the right places Hiting those keys of brilliance Colours whirling Colours that we've never seen before That can only arise Deep within the mind frame we come across When together...As a duo...a pair I see your blurry face disfigured and abstract Looking down at me You drew your hand back long ago now And I sink and think Think of horrible memories Think of the horrible memories I'd had being with you Its now too late to rescue me Too bad neither one of us could see The affect we truly have on another human being That would lead us to Self Awarness But time's up. Never seems to be enough Time. But I will probably see you in the next life anyways ~Kyle a.k.a. Shyle ^. .^ "You smile a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan But how was I to know You practiced it before hand?" ~rh Edited by: Khyle85 at: 10/25/02 5:24:50 pm Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 78 (11/2/02 5:24:47 pm) Reply Good times, Good times.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Went to a very unique party last night...met someone who's just as engaged in Radiohead as I am...Well..no he met me...cause he strolled over within the first five minutes and initiated that conversation hehe...I mean I've seen this guy around-he's very recognizable-on the short side but that's what I'm admiring currently-because I admire his personality and it's something I'm learning to love seeing...he lives sorta in close proximity to my house...claims that he's seen me walking home after school...I didn't expect him to so much into Radiohead as I...but anywayz, he took down my number and plans to call me soon so that we can get together to watch movies...I can't wait, honestly...soon enough my feelings towards him will devour the feelings I have towards Kevin, most deffinately-I've seen the effects already...I just love his overall personality...and we have VERY MUCH in common as far as music takes it. And he's the opposite in terms of maturity...Kevin's incredibly ingenuous...This new guy, (don't know name just yet! grr!) is incredibly sophisticated...I'm begining to view Kevin's immaturity as a weak-point now...something that didn't contrast too sharply before but now it seriously does...I desire this new bold assertive strong and grown up character finally... But yeah, I was contemplating on not attending...I'd walked/well ran up the street prior to entering the house-stood at the top of the hill there and waited for about say twenty minutes in the slightly chilly temperatures (well forty-something degrees...I didn't mind...the nervousness consumed all worrys...occupied the majority of the thought corridors..) Soon enough I quit being ambivalent and treaded back over...ran down the hill, ears feeling numb and burning to a great extent..it was nice to be in an evironment where people acknowlege me and take what I say into great consideration...It wasn't drinking /binging /eating /druggie party ...it was a chillin', talking and discussing and being awesome people party...well most of us were...it was a party worth going to to say the least. There were about twenty people total...most clothed in punk-clothes, some wearing all black, some with sorta unique-artsy clothing (like me) currently standing around and mingling down the stairs....they were outgoing, sensible and easy-to-relate-to kinda artsy people... maybe it's better to say Japanese Center people-that's the lable people tend to put on us...Ben, the guy who's been waiting to hear my piano playing had been there...we played a little foosball while the crazy atmosphere surrounding us had been launching halloween candy from the opposite side of the room...people had been tinkering with guitars and drums upstairs so to set a nice, composed, complete mood...it was absolutely fabulous...I enjoyed it...tanoshii!! That's all I've gotta say right now...I'll write later...byez!! Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 80 (11/8/02 1:24:49 pm) Reply WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOO! LoL -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good News!!! Yes! Blithe has been suffused and incandescant confidense has radiated!! I've grasped hold of my dear Kevin's attention!! All I needed to do was apply that giddy attitude and the crack the brilliant smile...And it certainly proved that I don't essentially need to talk anymore than I presently do around the Man of omnipotent affability...I just gotta be that person I am with my brother...that content, composed but also very enthused, smiley and attentative person...just a sprinkle of vigor did the trick...and for once I DITCHED those damn "dating rules" because it may just be more benificial in my case to oppose to them... The submissiveness, that mysteryous quality about me I banished-and that's what's saved his attraction towards me...This had persuaded him into appearing in the doorway of the next period class with anticipation and for the first time in weeks!...He came and awaited, a smile to shatter a glass factory's precious crystal delicacys into tiny fragments...that grin had been given last on our trip to the Metropolitian! Wonderous change is exactly what has been achieved...I've sprouted more...made more associations with people in class, kept friendships going, but haven't made so many attempts to do much of anything out of school...but it has certainly improved, indeed it has! I still am myseterious, surely, but not so much that I will refuse to share more than a mere sentence...I took the whole thing too gravely...I've detached myself from that...at the least around Kevin, who knows what I do with the other guys I meet and may just start at the initiation once again . The guy who met me at the party's made attempts to correspond via telephone w/ me...Unfortunately I hadn't been around to pick up the phone those times and well chat...I really want to keep in touch with this guy...my attraction towards him his grown considerably as well....okay well cya guys!! Urgh I just always get that feeling like my life isn't complete....that I need to join up with some one and share what I've got-I guess I have more of an urge to do so as opposed to others out there in the wrold because I'm not taken into the consideration of others on a daily basis due to the fact that I'm so misanthropic and so reserved... I excessively almost obsessively about these people who have opened a door and entered my personal life, my world; I greeted them with more than a welcome- a welcome to sixty-third degree LoL! And they'd done the same as well but the feeling to embrace me diminished and dwindled away parallel with the flowing Time River... I was lying in bed awaiting sleep for over an hour last night and I spent the majority of the time lying there over analyzing me and Kevin's relationship and exactly what I wish for our futures to bring. I'm hopefull of staying merged together for decades...centuries, if technology in the future allows it...I wish to be his priceless companion-don't want him to feel as if there is a better amulet to trade me in for...and I wish he could hold that state of mind for the rest of the time we have here on Earth to breath. I want him to walk simultaneously with me and be there to remember my memories, or in other words- memories we would be making, engendering as a cooperative pair of souls... I honestly and completely appreciate all the attention, all the wonderfull attention I recieve at those limited times he expresses it...I'd like to traverse into his thoughts...his quandrys...his ponderings and paradigms...just as I feel I can't express everything verbally-or close to nothing...he and everything other individual must struggle in just the same fashion. I never can judge him on what words he lets out freely through his vocalizing...it's impossible to examine the electrons charging and sparking up in his brain...It's actually quite humbling to picture we all will never be fully understood...never can we totally and ultimately express ourselves...even the truthly candor, verbose and extroverted person cannot acheive Ultimate Expression of current states of mind... Alright...enough 4 now..geesh! lol! cya! ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Edited by: Khyle785 at: 11/8/02 1:55:21 pm Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 81 (11/8/02 2:25:58 pm) Reply "Rejection reduces the capacity for intelligent thought -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Shunned workers lose their smarts" Any isolated genius may be a creative power house, but an ostracised genius may be a stilted one, according to research suggesting that intellectual abilities diminish when people feel socially excluded. Toy R. Baumeister, Ph.D., of Case Western Reserve Universtity, arugues that interpersonal rejection can dramically redue the capacity for intelligent thought, raising the possiblity that reasoning skills evoved to help us navigate the complexities of social life rather than help us solve technical problems. In studies recently published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , subjects were given false feedback after taking personality tests. Memebers of one group were told that they would die alone, while others were told to expect lasting friendships. Subjects primed for a soliary life were able to remember simple information such as nonsensial syllables, but they were significantlyimpassed in performing complex complex reasoning tasks. They were also slower and less accurate in their responses to a timed IQ test, a "dual deficit" reminiscent of the cognetive impairment caused by cerain head injuries, according to Baumeister. In a related study, led by Jean M. Twenge, Ph.D. of San Diego State University in California, "rejected" participants took greater risks and made unhealthy choices, such as selecting a candy bar over a low-fat snack and postponing preparation for an exam n favor of short-term plearures. This is contrary to expectations. "The seemingly rational choice after any failure is to become more prudent and to take better care of oneself", says Twenge. The behaviors were not specifically attributed to depression or anxiety as subjects reported feeling stable moods through ou the experiment. Both Twenge and Baumeister conclude that socially excluded individuals are so busy trying to supress emotional distress that they are unable to engage in controlled thinking, leaving only automatic processes unaffected. ~Taken from this month's "Psychology Today" magazine...came across it while reading through this magazine in the library today at lunchtime...I thought it was quite veritable. ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 73 (11/10/02 11:55:39 pm) Reply HaLL o WEEEEN sux -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gosh things were looking up for my eating habits until the oh so EVIL AND MORBID HaLLoWeEN ...it's chewed them apart into tiny fragments--my body's grown firmly attached to CHOCOLATE, namely Hershey's products..lol...but yeah... I had initiated my diet plan once again, approx two weeks before halloween, kept up my usual two-hour bike ride sessions three times a week...kept it all together...oh but the troubles stabbed me on the thirty first...goodness...I immersed myself in Hershey's bars and Kisses and HAVEN'T ALLOWED MYSELF TO DRAW BACK!!!!!! I'm so freaking bad...candy and halloween is all tooooo evil!!!! I HATE that holiday and I feel that it should be BANNED!!! Seriously! If America wants their nation's people to have less heart troubles and food related health issues and insurance companies want to do better it would be sooo damn benificial to omit Halloween...sure the kiddies could dress up and all that..just not go out in dark and crime infested streets, well in some areas of the nation very unfortunately, going door-to-door and greeting neighbors that are total strangers obtaining loads of cholesterol-filled, sugary morsules which are usually injested that day and throughout the coming week leading those kids into an eclectic selection of moods...mostly negative...lol...and over-injesting calories so that their appitite's not so great when dinner's placed upon the table during the week nights following the dreaded day....so I f**** condemn this holiday...want to rip it out and hate the fact that my B-day's not too far away from it...it gives it a bad name, surely...alright enough ranting now...cya ~Kyle a.k.a. Shyle ^. .^ "You smile a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan But how was I to know You practiced it before hand?" ~rh Edited by: Khyle85 at: 11/11/02 12:00:37 am Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 92 (12/2/02 11:19:11 am) Reply Re: Someone can make a difference... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've RETURNED from AND ESCAPED sunny, torturing but wonderfull serene and kirei Florida. I've brought back with me a painful and stingingly horrible sore throat which has carried on since last Friday, the morning we flew home. The previous night I'd recieved a pounding headache which fortunately has not returned. At the moment I'm in terrible condition to go to school. The absolute last thing I need now is existing in an incredibly social environment because I HAVE NO VOICE AT ALL! SO AT THE TIMES I REALLY WANT TO SPEAK UP I'M UNABLE TO...THIS VIRUS IS REPRESSING MY VOICE...JERK!! ...ANYWAYS...(haha isn't that quite hillarious..I'm able to yell through the computer and not in reality...no that's not funny...that's just something so obvious and I don't know why I let it slip through my fingers...).... But I think I may allready know the root cause of this dreadful encompassing sore throat of mine... Thanksgiving dinner lead me to make a decision... The Florida Institute of Technology's open house which was held last Saturday forced us down to Florida at this time of yr. Because there's no point in flying down to stay for just the weekend me and mom chose to accompany relatives in Jupiter, West Palm beach through the thanksgiving week...and what a brilliant place. I feel that I have a fairly good chance of being accepted by this college because its Meteorology program isn't quite as competitive as the programs up in Northern New England. The majority of students applying to FIT have space/astronomy studies stuck in their mind...either that or psychology...the school's big on both of these programs. So that leaves the Meteorology open. And I made sure to leave a good impression...only two others showed up for the tour of the Meteorology departments so I did a lot of one on one questioning with the proffesors and couldn't do this up north-and we discussed weather mainly-that and Japanese!! He shared these experiences with emails sent to him in Japanese so if I enter the program I'll act as a translator lol... FITech is well-known school and is one of the top private technical colleges in the Country in fact. So I expect to be fairly intimidated walking down the halls and around campus...many brainiacs there...(70% male as well ...30% female )...but it's warm yr round helps to relieve anxieties... AND...(back 2 what I started sayin' before) The decision was to BINGE/EAT WILDLY, ditch my allready crumbling diet plan or stick with it and eat a miniscule ammount, as little of the dinner as possible...I chose to binge AND stick with the plan...and the only possible way I can do such is to flee for the restroom directly afterwards, after cleaned-up and what not. So I went to the r.room to get rid of the burden in my hand, or burden in my stomach rather. I did what I normally do in similar situations...but after this time I rose and entered the bedroom with great needles, weapons seizing my brain and penitrating, pulverizing it with such a profound force like no other I had ever experienced..the back of my throat burned and it may as well just ripped open. So I chose to go for a swim...I made a habit of swimming laps every night and wanted to make use of this last night...so despite my slowly dispersing headache I went in the pool...did twice of what I normally do just to be sure that something good was coming out of what I had done with the ingested Thanksgiving food. I woke up the next morning with the pain still imminent and menacing and was anxious for its dissapearance. The problem spot only worsened over Saturday...and yesterday I couldn't say a word without clearing my throat hard enough to choke me. I spoke as little as possible, hearing my own voice I felt the same sympathy for me that everyone around had just listening to it...so I ceased to say anything. I don't like it when people express remorse for me. I am still unable to speak...that's the reason why I left school after directly after the first period. I don't wish for anyone to hear such a strained and worn voice--and plainly its just a struggle to say much of anything, so I can't explain to my teachers anything regarding last week and make-up work. Anywayzzzzz Mom'z bring me to the doctor at two oclock...If word gets out what really caused the sore throat I will surely sacrifice me. NO ONE IN REALITY SHALL KNOW. They'll most likely think up a possible cause and I'll just agree and play along. It isn't crucial to know the cause really...what matters most is what will cure it. That will be the focus...hopefully. Alright see ya guys...thanks for listening/reading..lol ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 96 (12/11/02 2:51:02 pm) Reply Good Dayz Good Dayz -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm feeling A+++ today! YAHOOOO[/font] ....well....The brilliant spectacular event that is swiftly approaching is the winter dance "Poinsetta"...it's going to be incredibly awesome-I've invited my friend....the one who had first invited me to his Christmas Eve party and offered to buy a present for...so I've invited him to this dance...he seem enthralled yesterday when I wrote and handed him a note askin' about it...he seemed nervous today though when I spoke with him...and his friend was prompting strange @$$ questions making the overall mood deeply tense...I think the problem is Kevin's friend is envious that I've asked Kevin... Ben found out in the morning about my so called "going-out" w/ the dear friend of mine (kevin c.)...I don't consider that to be "going-out"...All the guys who I converse with are friends of mine...I don't essentially "go-out" with any of 'em. So Ben heard the news this morning...last night I told him over the phone that I would attend and watch his concert which I did not do, he may be upset. I've turned him down truly...I knew that Ben was upset through my friend in first period, Rebecca, she told me about the whole story..so I'm in a guyzzz situation at the moment sorry to ramble lol ...finished the college essays and I don't need to worry about hat Sh*T for a while...and I recieved a letter of rec. from my garrulous art teach...I read it on my way to the guidence office and it was so freakin' brilliant...perfect... In art class he commented on my peice I brought in...had the whole class in front of it in those thirty seconds.....so I was greatly awarded with all the praises....I was wrapped around in them for the major portion of the day and i did enjoy...certainly i did...Kevin called after me in the hall but i ignored him, after his reaction in the library earlier....I walked straight up to daisy hoping he'd follow, hoping he'd persue...run after me...he did not do so...i don't mind...i'm this game now and can't break its rules.. me and daisy talked things over a bit...after she left i was standing with the "Vanilla Coke kid" lol....we discussed Kevin further..he's observant and knows that me and him have a strong firm connection....I loved his input and I wished to converse with him further...he seems to be a brilliant fellow and truly....he gets rejected by practically everyone and I feel sooo much sympathy...I wish I could talk more with him.I guess the next time i run into him i'll ask for his screen name...hehe...(oh and EVERY FREGGIN' person it seems knows about my little going to the dance with KC!!! goooshhh darn...grr...) alright...i'm out...sorry if i was a little curt and my thoughts were a bit unorganized and just thrown down onto this post but i'm overcome with an incredible ammount of confidence...it's brilliant absolutely!! I feel normal...i truly do...and it shows ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Edited by: Khyle785 at: 12/11/02 3:00:25 pm Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 98 (12/13/02 9:36:51 pm) Reply About tonight...i'm sleepy...need to eat..but will refuse -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HAVEN'T EATEN IN THREE DAYS>>>RECORD!!! And I plan to stretch that longer too....I'm on the Hollywood diet..it's rescued me from my urge-to-binge trap, thankfully....I've lost ten pounds so far...in those three days and will lose another ten..get myself down to that stunning 102 again...it's not difficult at all...all that is needed to do to fight the tummy-rumbling hunger is a few miniscule sips of the juice... Anywayz, bout today...viewed the new James bond movie with Ben...and yet again...(our second date) we run into the same kid (or well peer in my physics/japanese/studyhall/homeroom classes lol) same kid we ran into the first time we went out to CD Revolution then Barnes and Noble aprox. three weeks ago now...it was so strange to see him approaching the theatre...it's like the water evaporated from the puddles left from the drenching rains going on as we were watching the movie and rose up to form the perfect image of Chris Vertenten...the guy who had also given me an application to where he works..(barnes and Noble)...lol...that was shocking.... During lunch I met up with Daisy as I was waiting in line to sign in on the lunch sheet...I didn't see Kevin...at first...me and Daisy grabbed a table...but the table Kevin and his group normally sit at...which meant if he were to come in with brian and friends they'd be sitting in too close proximity....and so..Daisy went to look for some books...as she was away-perfect timing-Kevin enters the library...wants to sit with me but hehe i reject him beings i don't want him becoming too involved in my friends and how i am with my friends...so he had asked me if i wanted to see movies again tonight...and i told him i was busy, which is true...with Ben..the person who is envious of Kevin because Kevin's accompanying me to the brilliant Poinsetta dance...Ben grown excessively jealous and he's called my brother to discuss with him the situation and i guess is trying to coerce my brother into talking me into inviting him instead of dear Kevin... Ben's an alright guy...i'm just not affixed to him yet...it takes a while for me to pick up an attraction to someone..such as what had occurred in the first few weeks after I met Kevin...i mean we've known eachother three months...he still doesn't know this "True Kyle"...not quite...but i'm dying for him to have emotions (not hormones) for me..right brained pure genuine emotions towards me...that's all i hope for..because I am attracted now...it usually takes a month...maybe more... But yeah..well during the film..the engaging, spectacular, cool and brilliant James bond movie...like towards the end something put much more adraneline into me than that movie...and yes that movie had inserted and enormous ammount of adraneline...but Ben's hand ever so slowly inched to go around me...and eventually...i really hadn't expected this...now looking back i can see how it made its way...eventually it went around and my heart jumped and pure blithe...i felt strong strong strong feelings...some one actually enjoys my company so much to feel like embracing me physically...something truly envigorating...GOOOODDDD=neessssses....I wasn't really able to immerse myself into film any longer after his action but managed to do so...i had enjoyed this touch...it set off so many bottled up urges to be truly close to some one...i smiled and laughed with him every now and then and i found it to be genuine lovelyness...i was close to crying... Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 110 (12/14/02 11:46:31 pm) Reply Re: About tonight...i'm sleepy...need to eat..but will refus -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tired25 has lead me to feeling like a total screw-up...maybe I should be more carefull...stop messin' with my guy friend's minds...because they may all want to be a boyfriend to me and engage in a serious relationship with me...I don't know exactly how to handle this...Below I'll post the discusion from the forum I posted on today... ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 111 (12/14/02 11:48:00 pm) Reply Re: ~~*A collection of Triumphs/SA thoughts*~~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Re: Friendship is not better than the real thing -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- True True and so True... I am the exact same way-I dislike dating always have...well I mean that I dislike being physically involved with some one...I prefer to keep things on a friendly level...I also like the feeling of not being locked down to a single person...I like conversing with and getting know a number of guys..although heh...some of those guys whom I consider friends feel that they are more than a friend to me or well they wish for me to be more than a friend to them.so they get jealous often when they learn that I'm chillin' with and going out with other guy friends places and what not... I feel that yeah...friendship is better in some ways although...a real relationship's alright and can be very meaningful and rewarding...for certain people..but for me it's just too incredibly uncomfortable...I like to wait until I'm friends and incredibly close to someone to get into a true boyfriend/girlfriend thing... ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Edited by: Khyle785 at: 12/14/02 7:05:53 pm DenmarkGuy Registered User Posts: 49 (12/14/02 7:43:42 pm) Reply Alley.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey DenmarkGuy... Have I mentioned lately that you're just my complete hero...? Well said. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Awww...... Alley, now yer gonna make me blush... --Den Tired25 Registered User Posts: 144 (12/14/02 8:21:03 pm) Reply Wossname -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What in the hell are you talking about? You sound like a woman. I don't know if you are or not, but you sound like one. If someone isn't attracted to me then I take great offense to that, especially if I'm around them all of the time. Why would I hang with a guy who I know is gay? Why would a girl hang with a guy she suspects has an interest in her knowing that she will never want him. Attraction is not a mysterious thing that just happens. You are such an idealist. You keep thinking how things should be. The fact is, if you put a bunch of time into a woman and you are interested in her, a guy can come into the picture and have her in ways you never could have her. Dl you think he'd rather trade places with me and just be the "friend". The primary beneficary of this is the female. Why in the heck would a guy who is interested in a girl want to watch her hugging and kissing some oher guy. What kind of benefit is that. You are flat out WRONG and idealistic about this. Why in the hell would I want to be so close to a woman without any possiblilty of "making love" to them? It doesn't benefit me at all. It doesn't hurt the girl as long as you don't profess your love, everything is safe and OK for her. Hell she doesn't want you anyways. She just wants to talk to you about the other guys who are actually getting some. I refuse to accept this role with any women that I have an interest in. How does it help me? If she is who I want and I can't have her, why would I want to be constantly reminded of that everyday. This is a relationship that can only work if the guy really doesn't like the girl that much. If a girl and guy spends hours a day together talking and sharing, then the girl gets up and goes and sleeps with someone else, that's demoralizing. Maybe the fact that I've never had a girlfriend makes it worst. Tired25 Registered User Posts: 145 (12/14/02 8:38:32 pm) Reply Khyle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are completely selfish for doing that to people. Did your father not give you enough attention or something. You are the exact type of female that bothers me. You need to surround yourself with a bunch of male pursuers who are hoping that they can get something more, but you just lock them in the friendzone. You make them feel like thaey are so special and important, then you go out with another guy and do the same to him. This is terrible and I hope you end up getting stalked sooner or later for leading people. Keep doing this and you will mess with the wrong person one day. Why do you need to surround yourself with a bunch of mae pursuers and make them friends. Why can't you have one guy. You need so much reassurance that one guy isn't enough. This is terrible and you don't care if you hurt people. You justify your behavior to yourself to remove any guilt you may cause when you hurt people. This is not OK. But you can use "Technicalities" to remove any guilt you may feel when you hurt soemone. "I told him we were just friends, so technically I can go out iwth whoever I want." You shouldn't be seeing someone as a friend if they want more. That's selfish. It's women like you who I totally despise because they actually do things to make these guys who are "friends" believe they have a chance to do more. Women aren't stupid. They know that you are probably interested in them if you ask them to the movies or come by to see them everyday. These women act like they are more into these guys than they really are and that makes the guy think that she is intersted and that he has a chance. Most of these girls have an intense need for attention from men andey don't care if some guys their feelings hurt. Most of the girls I know who surround themselves with male friends are pretty girls who had an absent or emotionally neglectful father. They are able to hurt men because deep down inside they hate men. Laura06 Registered User Posts: 101 (12/14/02 9:26:34 pm) Reply Re: Friendship is not better than the real thing -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tired, I've said this before and I'm going to say it again, you must have a serious charater flaw. And now you're attacking other posters for their views? Was your mother absent or neglectful to you? Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 108 (12/14/02 11:24:04 pm) Reply | Edit Re: Khyle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hold strong feelings for all these guys no doubt...if I wasn't emotionally involved in them or truly interested in their personalities and wonderful composures I wouldn't be aching so much to be with them...you know, I make conversation on a constant basis...I find every joke they tell to be genuinely ammusing and in response I laugh...I memorize all their favorite bands and play them in my solitude...I draw sketches of them from the pictures in my mind-extracting them from my photogenic memory...I revere guys...I accept them and never make them feel unimportant... Another thing...my father and I are very close...we're the best of buddies..so you are off but not so far off because a member of my family has neglected me in some ways...my mom-but I'd rather not get into this now... But anywayz, yeah... what they say is true i guess in your point of view, tired, man and woman cannot be friends... And I admit it...I'm torn apart when I see a guy I chat with talking to another girl...I'm just as jealous as those guys are who see me talking to other guys...I understand what you are getting at...I really appreciate these people in my life and it would be terrible to see one of them exit...I have girl friends as well and talk on a daily basis with them but the time I spend with these guys is gold. but I'll take your advice...just warning you...there will be alot of hurt feelings in those people if I follow your advice ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Edited by: Khyle785 at: 12/14/02 11:42:10 pm Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 109 (12/14/02 11:30:22 pm) Reply | Edit Re: THE FRIENDZONE -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- guys and their short term pleasures...so incredibly and utterly shallow...i never want to meet you tired you are dispicable ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. sofea555 Registered User Posts: 3 (12/18/02 8:04:47 pm) Reply Re: ~~*A collection of Triumphs/SA thoughts*~~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hiya! Thoroughly enjoyed reading your postings......you would make a good writer! Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 78 (12/20/02 11:14:24 pm) Reply From general discussion: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NYC TWBAGTISI (this will be a great trip i swear it) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm trecking into the BIG CITY today...rarely go there...maybe once a year...some years a little more than that..but never been without family members or adults to accompany me...I'm feel I'm prepared and ready for this though ...I mean I take a bike out in the middle of Minnesota and ride sixty miles out on of desolate farmland roads three hours before sunset...(and make it back just in time certainly..heh) ...I take my grandmother's bike out when we go down to Florida...ride on dangerously busy roads with little shoulder to ride on...but I'm still alive. I'm kinda used to the solitude. So I'm inclined to go to New York today....i'm traveling there by train, in approx one hour with an SA friend of mine, Anthony (he doesn't yet know about this site heh...)...but he has much more experience with going into New York beings he'd go to visit his mom who lived in New Jersey as a seven year old all alone and by himself quite often...so I'm fairly comfortable traveling into the gargantuan of a place with him...we communicate pretty well beings we both are understanding of our shyness situations... I'm just anxious about the crowds...its Saturday...Christmas is rapidly approaching...crowds freak me out...but anywayz, if I don't survive you won't hear my story when I get back hehe.....and if I am to be a survivor expect a long post in my Triumph journal lol...........sorry i'm just obsessed with writing to some great degreee!!!!! lol Has any one had similar experiences? (four days since i've last aten something)[/font][/font] Edited by: Khyle785 at: 12/14/02 9:34:45 am arthur1234 Registered User Posts: 275 (12/14/02 12:43:55 pm) Reply Re: NYC TWBAGTISI (this will be a great trip i swear it) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just relax, accept any anxiety and work your way thru it, dont tense up and dont fight back, take an interest in people around you, this takes your mind off yourself. fromthemorning Registered User Posts: 194 (12/14/02 3:21:41 pm) Reply Re: NYC TWBAGTISI (this will be a great trip i swear it) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you go yet? It's me Chuck... I think we've talked on IM... lilsnarf2... ? Anyway, I live in NJ and always think about going into NY, but never do. We should meet up. SOmetimes I feel like I could really go there by myself, it just has to be the right day. Today, I don't think would be one of those days. Anthology Registered User Posts: 99 (12/14/02 4:32:04 pm) Reply Re: NYC TWBAGTISI (this will be a great trip i swear it) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i always used to take the train to and from new york when i was living there. it's lots of fun, but yeah...this time of year the crowds are crazy. i hope you had fun, although the weather is kinda sucky today. Wossname Registered User Posts: 39 (12/14/02 5:38:43 pm) Reply Re: NYC TWBAGTISI (this will be a great trip i swear it) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Am I the only one that's concerned that Khyle hasn't eaten anything in 4 days? For the love of God, eat! Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 100 (12/14/02 6:19:46 pm) Reply Re: NYC TWBAGTISI (this will be a great trip i swear it) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [font color=teal face=times new roman size=2]Sorry to sound as if I had been insanely anxious...I wasn't at all really...I'm fairly used to such situations..yeah New York was a blast...I certainly enjoyed going there, shopping for family members and looking at all the Christmas lights and the big tree and what not... Oh and yeah I don't mean to make it sound like I've stopped eating all together heh...I'm on a diet..the Hollywood diet (i've explained this in my journal a bit) ...whenever I get the urge to eat something I just drink a few drops of the Hollywood diet juice...which is formulated with all the vitamins needed and that settles the hunger...I can last a few more weeks like this...it truly works and I reccomend trying it out...Every so often it's good to fast...let your body take a little vacation....I've lost approx. twelve pounds in these four days. (two pounds of fat...the rest--toxins/a great deal of water (from water retention)/and other stuff...)...but it's a great way to feel rejuvinated...I was in desperate need of this beings I was binging and sick of binging the week I was in Florida...and afterwards caught a sickness which took away my voice...but I've recovered... Anywayz, yeah I didn't much mind the crowds!! I loved being in the middle of the bustling atmosphere of rushing people!!! It was completely wonderfull in every way...Anthony had a good time as well and I wish to do this once again...heh... And I spent a good fifty minutes walking home from the Darien train station...it was my choice...Anthony got off at the next stop because he lives in closer proximity to that station..(kinda the bad part of town too so i dared not get off there and walk home). It was a serene walk back in the rain certainly but enjoyable... Thanks for your concern and input by the way!!![/font] ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Edited by: Khyle785 at: 12/14/02 6:21:55 pm Kitty chanchan Registered User Posts: 124 (12/14/02 6:34:09 pm) Reply Re: NYC TWBAGTISI (this will be a great trip i swear it) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It sounds like a fun trip! esp when you have a friend to go with you. wish I can do something like that. so did you get anything for us? hehe Edited by: Kitty chanchan at: 12/14/02 6:35:20 pm Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 104 (12/14/02 6:40:51 pm) Reply Re: NYC TWBAGTISI (this will be a great trip i swear it) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...that's what I brought back lol...hehe...there's nothing better than feeling love and expressing love heh...hope its enough....I would've bought a material item for each and every one of you but my pocket was drained....I spent all $124.57 heh...(well except for a few dimes and pennies) ~Kyle a.k.a. Shyle ^. .^ "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan But how was I to know You practiced it before-hand?" ~rh Khyle85 Registered User Posts: 79 (12/20/02 11:16:44 pm) Reply Tonight's AIM conversation w/ BEN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Benadian (9:11:27 PM): argh gimme 3 minutes to eat a little Kh34dO1d4R (9:11:35 PM): okay Benadian (9:11:52 PM): no wait I need to talk to you :P Benadian (9:12:23 PM): I had a really great time today Benadian (9:12:27 PM): I hope you did too Kh34dO1d4R (9:12:47 PM): haha! sorry i couldn't stay for dinner before..i'm just kinda sticking to this new-diet-plan-thing lol...i think i'd been a bit rude... Benadian (9:12:56 PM): awwww no :P Benadian (9:12:59 PM): you were fine Kh34dO1d4R (9:13:03 PM): alright Benadian (9:13:10 PM): I need to say something, but I'm figuring out the best way to say it Kh34dO1d4R (9:13:15 PM): hah Benadian (9:13:21 PM): give me a couple minutes while I write a poem :P Benadian (9:20:24 PM): ok Kh34dO1d4R (9:20:35 PM): : ) Benadian (9:21:02 PM): here Kh34dO1d4R (9:21:23 PM): i don't see it just yet lol Kh34dO1d4R (9:22:26 PM): do you want to send it to my email? Benadian (9:22:35 PM): wait no! Benadian (9:22:36 PM): here Benadian (9:22:41 PM): it's done Benadian (9:22:42 PM): ok Benadian (9:22:44 PM): I think I'm in love But it's too hard to show you How I feel I may seem outgoing On the outside But for some strange reason I get so shy Around you. I've never had anything like this before I've never known anything like this before. If I could only open myself up. If I could know how you feel About me. Benadian (9:23:00 PM): there :-) Benadian (9:23:36 PM): short, but... it gets all the stuff out that I needed to say. Benadian (9:24:19 PM): 'tis all Benadian (9:24:52 PM): if you need to think about for awhile, that's ok Kh34dO1d4R (9:26:53 PM): yeah --that's the best way to express whatever you need to without confusing things....like it helps to organize those thoughts and pick out exactly what you feel is most important to focus in on...occasionally i like to write poems as well...but it's hard for me because i'm excessively detailed in my writing and it's hard for me omit this and that Benadian (9:27:24 PM): :P Benadian (9:27:28 PM): I can see that. Kh34dO1d4R (9:28:45 PM): heh...u could very much tell i hadn't picked up a nintendo 64 controller in over six months lol Benadian (9:28:58 PM): yeah! hehe Benadian (9:29:04 PM): you didn't do too badly, really Benadian (9:29:08 PM): well Benadian (9:29:15 PM): ummmm Benadian (9:29:35 PM): just, if you hadn't realised, that poem was like,.... about you Kh34dO1d4R (9:29:45 PM): okay did i say six months earlier in this im lol...what's with the # 6 today lol....eh...i didn't really give it my best shot to tell ya the truth... Benadian (9:29:58 PM): you did fine :P Kh34dO1d4R (9:30:40 PM): so it was a combo of me sucking not having played in a while and the fact i wasn't putting much effort lol...o....yeah i was kinda figuring so...heh Benadian (9:31:08 PM): Kyle, it's alright :P I totally understand, you don't have to apologize for anything Benadian (9:31:21 PM): well anyhoo. see, the poem, that's how I feel about you, and... yeah... if you're not comfortable with that, I'm ok, just tell me :P Kh34dO1d4R (9:33:28 PM): ok Benadian (9:33:46 PM): oh jeez Kh34dO1d4R (9:34:04 PM): why? Benadian (9:34:07 PM): I'm sorry, I just... feel like I'm doing everything wrong here and there's something I'm missing and I feel like a dork Benadian (9:35:47 PM): I just feel like, there's something amiss here that either I'm not getting or you're not telling me Kh34dO1d4R (9:36:32 PM): okay so we're appologizing equally now heh!...lol....yeah no the only thing wrong here is me...i've gone quiet heh Benadian (9:37:30 PM): :P Benadian (9:38:36 PM): it's ok Kyle Benadian (9:38:47 PM): alright Kh34dO1d4R (9:39:15 PM): :-) Kh34dO1d4R (9:39:18 PM): : ) Benadian (9:39:26 PM): I'll let you be quiet if you want but you can talk to me, really, all I really want is to hear what you have to say :-) Kh34dO1d4R (9:39:54 PM): hah...alright...freedom of speech here Benadian (9:40:08 PM): that's the sperit :P Kh34dO1d4R (9:41:02 PM): oh i painted that sky you see in the backround of this IM and just finished painting it yesterday...it's in Tate's room along with the two others... Benadian (9:41:36 PM): :P I don't see it - I think maybe I have to restart AIM or something Kh34dO1d4R (9:41:50 PM): oh....u don't? Benadian (9:41:52 PM): but I liked the one in Tate's room that you were working on :-) Benadian (9:42:15 PM): I don't Benadian (9:42:19 PM): but I'd like to Kh34dO1d4R (9:43:42 PM): hold on a sec. Benadian (9:45:16 PM): oook Benadian (9:46:58 PM): well Benadian (9:47:22 PM): I got your present while I was out tonight :P I can come over Xmas day & give it to you! Kh34dO1d4R (9:50:50 PM): hey i'm back...o...cool...um...i think i will be at my granmother's house then with the rest of the family--i don't quite know what the shedual is exactly... Benadian (9:51:06 PM): oh ok! Benadian (9:51:08 PM): that's alright Kh34dO1d4R (9:51:12 PM): *schedual Benadian (9:51:17 PM): lol Benadian (9:51:28 PM): well maybe I'll give it to you when you get back :-) Benadian (9:52:12 PM): erm Kh34dO1d4R (9:52:15 PM): well when i know the plans i guess i'll give u the update... Benadian (9:52:46 PM): that would be great! thanks :-) I should be home tomorrow night and probably in the morning before 10:30 or so Benadian (9:53:31 PM): ok, there's another thing that I'm supposed to ask you Benadian (9:53:37 PM): and that is Benadian (9:53:43 PM): ok remember Monday night? Kh34dO1d4R (9:53:55 PM): not quite... Benadian (9:54:25 PM): when I called you and I was really nervous but I managed to ask you if you'd be my girlfriend :P Kh34dO1d4R (9:54:43 PM): oh yes ok Benadian (9:54:59 PM): and you said "Yeah, I guess so" right? Kh34dO1d4R (9:55:08 PM): yeah Benadian (9:56:08 PM): ok, well I need to go straight to the source for this so I don't have any convoluted stuff from elsewhere Benadian (9:56:17 PM): did that mean "yes"? Kh34dO1d4R (9:57:02 PM): well at the time i was uncertain...but it was a stronger yes than it was a no i think Benadian (9:57:38 PM): alright, I had that a little unclear then :P Benadian (9:57:45 PM): so that was at the time Benadian (9:57:51 PM): and now...? Benadian (9:58:32 PM): (sorry I know this is really awkward but I need to straighten things out) Kh34dO1d4R (9:58:32 PM): no it hasn't changed much since Benadian (9:58:49 PM): ok. so you're still thinking about it, really Kh34dO1d4R (9:59:07 PM): yeah Benadian (9:59:20 PM): why?? Benadian (9:59:21 PM): j/k Benadian (9:59:25 PM): ok I respect that :-) Kh34dO1d4R (9:59:29 PM): haha Benadian (10:00:25 PM): I'll take that. I'm just glad it's cleared up. And I really feel like even more of a dork now cuz I know I was trying to make things go too fast Benadian (10:01:53 PM): but Benadian (10:01:55 PM): ok Benadian (10:02:13 PM): if we start hanging out more, things could change am I right? Kh34dO1d4R (10:03:45 PM): yeah well things are always constantly changing....so you would be right heh Benadian (10:04:20 PM): ok! I can deal with this. Benadian (10:05:42 PM): ummm just to let you know, last Friday was pretty much my first date... ever. And I'm really glad it was with you. So, thanks :-) Benadian (10:06:57 PM): just remember, I'm very very very new to the idea of going out with someone, even though we're not quite exclusive right now, so please take that into consideration with me :P Benadian (10:07:44 PM): already you can see that I take waayyy too much thought in this lol Benadian (10:07:47 PM): sorry about that Kh34dO1d4R (10:07:53 PM): is that right? heh....yeah that movie was awesome... Benadian (10:08:09 PM): :-) Benadian (10:08:30 PM): so anyhoo Benadian (10:08:31 PM): oh! ~Kyle a.k.a. Shyle ^. .^ "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan But how was I to know You practiced it before-hand?" ~rh Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 118 (12/21/02 10:48:29 pm) Reply Another fine time -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What a unique experience. Now I feel at ease for once around someone who's deeply attracted to me. I don't feel pressured to look perfect because I'm constantly, subtly reminded through silent signals thrown out at me here and there that I am a flawless and an absolute brilliant person . Reasurances, a basic understanding of eachother and laughing at the same things on TV make our relationship a very valuable one. Barely comparable to those times I've spent "hanging" with Kevin who doesn't double-think to even ask "What's up" at times. When I approach him on the internet he claims he's busy with stuff but I think not!!!!! I've seen his grades...but what I really haven't seen though is his mind. And in order to know what is really up with him I need to understand the way it operates. It's impossible. I've attempted and lost count of how many times I've indulged myself in thoughts of him and the way he percieves the world. I've examined and analyzed his every move. His letters, his instant messeges, his AOL profile. I'm immersed...but can I swim away? I certainly will. Ben seems to be the better guy the ideal guy the guy who never lets you down-the sensitive guy the guy who claims you are his first girlfriend and the guy who doesn't lie. This is a guy who admires you who takes you into his thoughts and doesn't see this as something taboo who doesn't really think that thinking about another person excessively is a waste of time but rather an opportunity to understand humanity and to experience certain emotions that many choose to cast away. Okay. So I spent the last "after-school afternoon" of the year 2002 with this Ben. The very individual who's repeatedly called up my phone number. Repeatedly dialed those near perfect combination of all even numbers in hopes of hearing my voice-in hopes of conecting and picking up on my affection towards him-in hopes of expressing his knowledge to another soul who genuinely listens and cares.... He's obsessively called though...meaning an average of eleven times per day...he's obsessively greeted me in the hallways-walks me to classes...wants to spend every moment he can with me-embracing my "there-ness"... Something I rarely get to do with that Kevin dude who has been almost not speaking to me altogether. But he's also claiming to like me-claims he likes me as much as Ben. But what reason do I have to believe that this is true? Nothing...zero.... I'm stuck going to the Christmas dance w/ Kevin now. I was suckered into that love-sick-punchdrunk shit and will force my way out. I will survive this dance and make sure I don't turn it into some rotten and disturbing night..it will still be a night to remember-but I may easily forget it...and remember instead the sitting side by side with Ben on his coach viewing the insanely hilarious British comedies I'd brought over...it's alright...I will most likely 'member both though cause it's rare I forget. Too rare. Everyone who meets my family believes that we are blessed in that we can remember a tremedous amount of things...mostly trivial..but that's not important-what is is that we remember and rarely forget. And I'm boasting and will break this journal off now. Can't wait to be off to school next fall...that school of my choice that will guide me to a superb career in Meteorology. Which will take me away to blithe..extreme well being. I'm siked for the overwhelming independent feeling. It'll be sweet. ~Kyle "When you spare a make up smile I'm instantly your biggest fan ~ How was I to know that you practiced it before hand?" ~R.H. Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 137 (12/30/02 9:59:20 am) Reply The dance...that didn't quite work...:p -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey! Went to the POINSETTA DANCE last night w/ that kid Kevin. I'm assuming he was the only sophmore in the entire dance-ninety nine percent seniors lol (or older even) . Unfortunately the girls needed to invite guys if they were interested in attending. That wasn't so fun for me because I'm opposed to being the one to chase a guy around...they always always end up falling away from me or something like that. Guys like to play that little game of tag with us girls and the best part is the chasing us around running till their out of breath and then when we finally succumb to them they feel rewarded...like they earned us or something like that. I know it's pretty dumb but hey that's how life operates. Kevin showed up way too early. He came to the house close to 6:35...dance started at 7..I acted a bit indifferent to the whole thing...but inside I was screaming "omygodomygodomygod" and couldn't stop...I panicked and panicked and panicked and panicked and I'm obsessive STILL because as of now I've been off of the pill five FULL DAYS!!! So just picture the withdrawl symptoms. That's why I was so panicky...shaking like MAD!!! I wore a BLACK deathly dress hehe...but a cute one...looked a bit too goth I think..I was aiming towards a victorian/early 1900's image but surprisingly modern at the same time...didn't mind that I looked more gothic though heh.--I picked out the $40 Victorian velety black choker w/ little sparkling crystals and black stones--this choker fell into my mom's purse accidentally as she was searching for her Lord and Taylor card...that was pure luck...and even better she'd walked out of the store with the bar-code tag still attached to the item!!! Whoa. So I'd worn this. "life of the party" nail color on my toes and finger nails...(which is a dark-ish red...a mature red of course...even though its considered to be life of the party lol)...Covered up my shivering, uneasy self with a nice velvet black button up pull over thing-another very expensive peice...My hair was classic...stunningly reminicent of the early 20th century-I figure more of a 1918 hair style-that's not quite 1902 but it was sufficient...worked up with the dress very nicely... Anywho...so. Sitting on our coach upon going to the dance I brought up quite a few things to discuss with Kevin but did catch myself in drowning irrational and anxious thoughts...incessantly impeding thoughts of screwing up the night horribly and not saying the right thing..If I'd been on the ZOLOFT things would be running on a different track. But no. I was really becoming sick to my stomache...and sitting not in a puddle of sweat but a block of ice. I was dead nervous. We took off...I acted really really indifferent and not so caring about the whole dance when the parents took our pictures and what not...and walking out to the car I showed the same signs of not really wanting to go...but hey I'd been looking forward to this night every night of the past two weeks!!!! I was waiting in aniticipation for the longest time but here I was in the car wanting to take over step father's steering wheel and drop off the Kevin who was sitting beside my step bro Kevin in the car. I was obviously not content. We stood outside the door for a while--we'd arrived quarter to seven. First ones there. From here on I kinda froze up solid. Feared and feared and feared that we'd never find people to sit with. They allowed us into the dance at seven on the dot. We took a seat and just waited with blank stares...I sensed the boredom that was radiating from me. He'd encourage me to comment on anything...he suggested we fake talking to so that it would lure people over to our table...I just kepting staring at the people entering the dance-smiling and staring-praying for anyone of any sort to join. God damn I wished here more than ever before for my beloved pill...I felt overcome with such awful negative supressing thoughts...repressin the words I truly wished to release. I desperately needed to talk to him...but the more I told myself I wanted to talk the less I did. I remained silent. Let that silence grow soooo loud we both went completely death and didn't quite understand eachother at all..I'm figuring he was trying to understand why I'd invited him if I wasn't enjoying being with him...If I wasn't talking to him...I wasn't smiling at him and I truly WASN'T LISTENING TO HIM...My thoughts overpowered his voice and so I couldn't hear exactly what he'd said at moments...too many moments...so I basically agreed when I just couldn't hear what the hell he had said to me. Shook my head nodded...and didn't comment on the things I didn't hear. I just gave up trying when I felt that I just wasn't picking up a thing he'd said...let us sit in a wordless atmosphere-empty table for a long period of time...we kept looking for people...turning around to see the incoming beauties with their dates and/or girlfriends and what not...I recognized many...but they don't normally associate with me and so they traversed and made their ways to the opposite side of the room. Kevin knew and was comfortable with associating with this girl Katie...so I suggested we move to her table-had him ask her first...so she said sure. Picked up and moved over to that table...things tempered a bit although I was starting to jitter excessively...I wasn't honest to god freezing my @$$ off...Kevin could tell..the people at the table must've noticed...Kevin assured me...said I could comment on anything. Anything at all but that led me deeper into silence. I wanted to cry and cry and cry...I couldn't cease to think that this night might deffinately be our very last time to chill with each other going by how badly I was screwing things over here. "there goes the fear again" wouldve been the right song to play here..but instead the DJ up front was blasting sickly love-song crap!!! He talked a bit more but at this point I just couldn't listen to what it was he had to say. I kept facing forward acting all uninterested in his every word. I know how badly it'd been making him feel but I was obsessed!!!! Totally obsessed with the "hard to get thing" and have always been so i chose not to say much of anything here... The night dragged on but the pace really picked up once people charged onto the dance floor...me and Kevin sat on the rim of the action...I eased up a bit..joked more with him...as I do when I'm on the serotonin booster...it had to have been the food..that and the fact that they now closed the drafty door that had been left open towards the begining of the dance. So I was energized and warm and willing to accompany him. To entertain...to be entertained...I caved into the whole dancing idea finally...suggested we "go and stand out there"...we did...just kinda stood...smiled a bit...two jokes...then we walked over to the other side where more people had been..danced to some random slow-dance shit...that's all the both of us could dance to...it felt nice to hug him and know he was hugging me...the action was screaming at a high decible than all the other expressed words we exchanged that night...I loved to hug him...spin around with him...and I wondered what the hell he thought... We sat and remained seated for a great incriment of time...watched the others float on by from the comfort of our table...we exchanged more words..um...my strap broke...so I had to receed to the restroom for-a good ten minutes...fixed the strap but then the strap that's used to hang up the dress...(not the same strap that goes over the shoulder)...got stuck in the zipper...it took so many long min. to remove it...kept Kevin waiting for the longest time...but shouldn't that be good? It should..yes because I was makin' it more a challenge for him to be with me... Oh heh speak of the devil he's on right at this moment...just as I'm drawing near the conclution: Yes and here's the letter he read just before 12/30/02 10:56 AM Kevin~ Sorry for the "anti-social" "misanthropic" "uncommunicative" business at the initiation of the dance. I'm very incredibly and deeply appologetic here...and I understand that it may have led you into boredom for a while. Here's the reason for that: I hadn't taken my pill in several days...that's to blame..and so those were some withdrawl symptoms from going off of my meds...so sorry. Thing was, I forgot to bring them down to N.Carolina on that little crazy adventure of ours... whoops...and then I woke up at dad's this morning completely forgetting to think about takin' them (because i didn't have much of a breakfast-when I have a normal breakfast i take it)...So I was depressed majorly...that and majorly obsessive...and majorly anxious...and another reason why I'd been so damn freezing in there...sugar cured that though...I'm glad I'd decided to dive into the soda after the dinner-which was also quite awesome (we are so thankfull not to have ordered that pasta s**t lol-)-- But okay other than that...I guess you just may be wondering why I'd invited you...Well we've known eachother for aprox four months now.. hung out here and there..went to the concert together...and the other thing is..i donno--your not obsessed w/ me. I don't find that behavior so appealing. To know someone dedicates all their thoughts to you and every minute of their time to you/ calling and calling is overpowering and overwhelming...congesting... Anyways....yeah well I did actually have alot to comment on...lol...the words wouldn't come out despite how much force I attempted to exert on those words in my mind....I mean hello...no pill-no confidence. So...did you enjoy the dance overall? The passing of the poinsetta plant that was never totally passed around our table lol...um...the salad? lol...I enjoyed it... Well i'll more to write to you at another time (SUGAR LOW!!!!!)...please write back when you get around to it....Cya on your b-day- at school... ~Kyle P.s.~blah and I've been meaning to ask you: why the heck were you grounded two weeks ago? Okay well his response to this was to put up his away messege Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 139 (12/31/02 11:59:14 pm) Reply Super FLATTERED on NEW YEAR's EVE / DAY!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just got back from Ben's house...watched two HILARIOUS AND INSANE comedies which were AWESOME-as well as Twilight Zone marathon on Sci-Fi...saw a bit of "Adult Swim's" then saw the ball drop-just for those two min. though...was constantly in the embrace of that dear friend of mine while we were entertaining ourselves....He's stunningly amazing and comforting....very CUTESY!!! But OTHER THAN THAT... Here is what flattered me the most.... Just three or four min ago I checked my friend's profile thing again just to see if he'd finally gotten around to expanding his profile and what not....here's what was written on the web page he just posted tonight:About Me -My name is Anthony -ive lived in norwalk my whole life, and plan on keeping it that way -5 words that describe me: shy,gullible,boring,caring,loving -i believe that music is the way to a person's soul, and that no serious relationship can be founded unless a common musical interest is there. -because of the whole 'shy' thing, i dont have many close friends, or friends period for that matter. my closest, dearest, and only true friend would be Kyle. Kyle, i love you :-) i'd love to have more than a friendship with kyle, go to that next level, but she apparantly just wants to be friends. it really sucks, and its really hard. we went to new york together a few weeks ago, and on the train ride back, she had her head laid back on the seat, looking out the window, and all i could do is just watch her stare out that window. I hope she knows how amazingly beautiful she is. i hope one day she can find someone who she can fall in love with, someone who lets her know how amazing of a person she trully is. no matter what has happened, or will happen to us, i hope we can remain as close to one another as we are today. being just friends with kyle is tough, but losing kyle would be infinately tougher. i lost kyle once, and i pray i never lose her again. without her in my life, i dont know where i'd be. -many say that in high school, they fell into some certain cast: jock, nerd, stoner, etc. in my high school, im a ghost. if i were to die tomorrow, no one really care, because no really knows me at all. i am there, but none of them see me. i am a ghost. -i have a mild case of bi-polar disease, which sounds worse than it is. i dont take anything for it, although im thinking about seeing a doctor(i dont go to the doctor very often-not to fond of them). i have incredible highs, which aren't to bad at all, but the incredible lows are whats scary. Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 169 (1/18/03 11:00:16 am) Reply Re: Super FLATTERED on NEW YEAR's EVE / DAY!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Words are worth alot and I jst X'ed out of this window and lost the paragraphs I'd just typed up!!!! I'm pissed off!!!! I tried to get them back...but I don't know where they would be located on the computer......I'm more than bummed out...but okay. Here's what I had said before: I've moved permenantly into my Dad's-been here eighteen days...every day of the New Year so far. My mom's bought a new place close by but hasn't moved into there yet so I'm still here....I've also moved permenantly away from Kevin...(and I wrote up an essay for one of my classes discussing the issue w/ him...i'll paste that below...after I finish typing this up..).... So I'm with Ben...we've spent so many moments together...brilliant and I no longer feel like I'm abnormal...(oh yes I wrote up this big long post about this to post up on the General Discussion but freaking AOL froze up as I was in the process of typing it up!!!!!!! So that pissed me off as well...all my words...lost....zapped)...Yes...well I felt so called normal before all my outings and get-togethers w/ Ben due to the raise in my Zoloft dosage....I raised it up to 100mg...anyways...I hold the people who invented that drug in VERY high regard and revere them..they did something magical...very grateful for that invention heh.... Anywhoo...Yes Ben makes me feel so brilliant and self-content...and I'm comfortable vocalizing whatever to him...I rarely struggle in doing so and being candor and what not... So I'm greatly admired...revered...held in high esteem...venerated...I'm praised and hugged and kissed and loved...and it's lovely to be loved and I don't know if there is another word to replace the word love..but its love...and I am fine with using it as much as I'm using it...heh..okay... Let me just list what we've done together...and where I first met him and okay: Oct-Dec. '00: My sophmore yr...I was in art club w/ my friend Zeneida...this kid joined and sat at the table we'd sit at every day...he was a freshman and would just sit there kept to himself...he was just as shy as I...and nosey though...he would sit and the radio would be on...my and Zeneida did our little sketches and discussed things amongst our selves...Zeneida stirred up a conversation one day with this kid...he told us his name, ben, and zeneida voiced to him that she suspected him being nosey and listening in...but he denyed he was doing so...we knew that he had been though... Feb. 26 '02: I was walking home from school...heard humming and singing coming from behind me and gradually loudening...I picked up my pace a bit because I felt that this was Jase and Brett...the two that would annoy me every so often...but it happened to be some one else this time well Brett was there actually...then I heard them speak "hey are those radiohead patches on her backpack?" and the other said "oh I know radiohead they're cool!"...so they caught up and let me know "radiohead's a good band"...and so I kinda chatted more...the kid with the fluffy hair I didn't recognise at first...this was ben...and he told me he remembered me from art club...and then it struck me...his appearance had changed...no more glasses...poofy, curly hair...darker hair too...he also seemed to be much more extroverted than he'd been in the club... March 3rd: They followed me home...I then pasted the label "stalkers" on them...they knocked on the door but I refused to answer it... March-Jun: Every so often I'd see ben in the hallways...sometimes said "hi" to him and said "hi" to me...I heard him singing Radiohead once...but he didn't notice I noticed this...he recently told me he did this to capture my attention.. Oct. 3rd: Went to the Homecoming Game with Kevin...ran into Ben here...him and Brett and Jase ...he invited me to go w/ him to a concert...i kinda was unsure at this time...never gave an answer...we also discussed bands...he told me he knew about one of the bands i like Cake and that they did the cover of "survive"... Nov. 1st: He saw me in the hallways and gave me an invotation to Brett's party like a week before..this day was the day of the party...ben played w/ his band upstairs...and i was downstairs..(and i wrote about this somewhere in the posts above this one...heh) Nov. 15th: Me and him went to Cd Revolution...looked around...then walked to Barnes and Noble....read books...and then walked home...well he walked back to school for the band practice and I walked to my dad's from there by myself Dec. 13th: Went to see "Die another Day" at movies Dec. 20th: Went to his house...watched movies..."young ones" comedies and "Airplane!" Dec. 24th: Wanted to get together...I slept in and we never did because of that...hmm.. Dec. 25th: Wanted to stop by to drop off a Christmas present...but I told him to wait a few more days...after my trip...b/c it snowed a few inches that night and the roads were terrible. Dec. 29th: Dropped off my present... Was sleeping so he handed it to Craig...Bought me "Trail of Dead" like I asked...hehe Dec. 31st: (described night above) Went to his house...watched Twighlight Zone episodes...also watched the "Kids in the hall: Brain Candy" and "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" movies...it was great!!! Stayed until late... Jan 3rd.: He came to my house..watched more "young ones" and then saw "harry potter"...went bowling...this was brilliant...I won every game...he lost horribly...by 60points or more every game ....but we both looked past our scores and enjoyed this fun evening with eachother....hehe...after he stayed a bit more to see "yellow submarine" Jan 9th: Spent time at his house again...watched two movies..and studied abit Jan 10th: Spent time at my house....studied more..then went up to my room to watch more movies "The Faculty"..also listened to the Sparklehorse Cd...it was really brilliant!! Jan 14th: Went to his house..but only stayed an hour cause I had a headache and felt we'd spent an excessive ammount of time together lately...I wanted to have some time away from him for a bit...and I still love him to bits.. Okay that's what we've done as a duo so far....and there's much more to come More lovely notes/emails/phone calls/hellos in the halls...sweet. ~The Khyle "Let all the desperate hours of boredom Lead you to some meaning of truth Bumps and bruises and notebooks for heaven's jury as proof The emotions were shrink wrapped, sold as scraps Choose any scene from the vending machine Somewhere lost in the night, a satellite transmitted dream Industrial revolutions of the soul interchangeable hearts it's manufacturing If we wear out each other it's o.k., just go buy another So let this be a drink to calm the shaking hands that you've found Let this be release, forever unwound." -AYWKUBTOD (Trail of Dead) Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 170 (1/18/03 11:17:22 am) Reply Re: Super FLATTERED on NEW YEAR's EVE / DAY!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subj: essay Date: 1/6/03 12:35:45 PM Eastern Standard Time From: Kh34d01d4R To: Kh34d01d4R “Things Change” Kevin: This object defeated all other thoughts, invaded my firm concentration and knocked me down until I was unconscious. Persistently and day in, day out, my eyes gazed and fixed to such a sight in that projector deep with-in my “memory-box”, locked in the dark corridors of my mind. It was a struggle to think and feel similar thoughts toward anything else at all. I’d always end up succumbing to this seemingly “center of gravity” which held me up when positive actions were generated but knocked me down when I’d come across negative. During the Poinsettia Dance, a formal school dance held at the Continental Manor on that Sunday after Christmas, the world altered surprisingly and switched tracks. I was no longer “enroute” to Kevin Clancy. Kevin was an admirer who did not admire me in return. He promised repeatedly to call me, write me, and meet me on the Internet, but none of these promises were followed through with. I still looked forward to a change, a change that would never come, unfortunately. I, over time, accepted his defects; his unwillingness to connect with me. A new person found me, sought me out and dropped into my life approximately two weeks before this dance. The new individual, Ben, whished and hoped I would fix more of my attention onto him, which never occurred. He supplied what was absolutely lacking in Kevin: caring, friendliness, humor, brains, good grades, concern, sweetness, loyalty, honesty, and the list can go on further. He also could at least dedicate a minute of his free time actually conversing with me as opposed to attaching himself to the video game system. In fact, Ben would not just spend one minute but nine phone call attempts per day and happy “hellos” in the hallways as well. Still, I looked upon the wretched, heart-snatching Kevin to fulfill my dull and inanimate lifestyle. I drowned in the overpowering feelings for Kevin because time had led to accumulation and saturation of musings towards him. It led me to pick up and obtain massive amounts of moments with him, gestures, smiles, lunch periods, and such as that. And these brilliant ponderings on him shifted and dismounted other thoughts. Submerged these thoughts in all the brilliant feelings of self-worthiness and self-importance. The attention was a spell cast on me for the four months we’d known each other. Shifting around of everything started on the night of the dance. I was anticipating had eagerly awaiting the fabulous event for a little over a week. Picked out the dress, shoes, and some accessories at Lord and Taylor and let my mom know that this would be all I’d been asking for at this year’s Christmas. This was most important to me at the time. I viewed the event as a grand opportunity to force us closer to each other friendship-wise but ironically it led to repelling us dramatically. It was among the tables, the brilliantly ornate outfits, décor, walls and lighting that his terrible personality was stuck out sharply; contrasted heavily with the soft and pure surroundings and my nice dedicating dress. I heard the pround loudness in silences; thoughts screaming at eachother. The fact that he was disinterested, was silently expressed in this silence. It had been the catalyst to pushing me deeper into silence and not voicing anything to him. Mostly in order to recapture his liking of me. I remained locked within me and arms crossed. I violently shook with anxiety and the tension; also shook with the chilled temperatures of the draftly dance hall. The fat that I hadn’t eaten a morsule the entire day may have exacerbated things too. He didn’t bother to ask about getting our photos taken. We were both happily handed enough money to purchase them too; had quite more than enough, but neither one of us took a step towards the bright flashing photography alcove from dimly lit hall. We mad the best of the night though regardless of how eager we bother were to leave. When we parted he expressed no emotions, no plans to get together once again in the future. Three days after the dance night and after a night spent with the guy who’s much more interested in me, on New Year’s day, my entire atmosphere altered to a great extent. I was forced but also willing to morve out of my step father’s house and move everything into my dad’s So that meant moving away from Kevin and moving literally away from my old home. I now have college to worry incessantly about not that this year will be the year I’m extricated from high school. Also because Kevin is no longer in my mind. Yes things change and change constantly. Never in my life will I come to a point where things cease to change. ~The Khyle "Let all the desperate hours of boredom Lead you to some meaning of truth Bumps and bruises and notebooks for heaven's jury as proof The emotions were shrink wrapped, sold as scraps Choose any scene from the vending machine Somewhere lost in the night, a satellite transmitted dream Industrial revolutions of the soul interchangeable hearts it's manufacturing If we wear out each other it's o.k., just go buy another So let this be a drink to calm the shaking hands that you've found Let this be release, forever unwound." -AYWKUBTOD (Trail of Dead) Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 174 (1/18/03 3:44:13 pm) Reply New Year and a New Life -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm sorry I haven't posted much lately. School's just been a complete burden...and I don't get the chance to really spend much time on this site...but anywayz....I don't know...I'll give you the update on how my SA's handling these days: For once I feel cured. Like I'm a human being and on the same level as all the others...the others who've been successful in creating relationships with other human beings. I'm not alone any longer and I've felt such bliss ever since I'd raised that Zoloft dosage up to 100mg. It's made all the difference in my life and I truly revere and give millions of beautiful gratitudes towards those who invented this wonderful medication. It's excelent and has led me to excelling. I'm not exactly the "life-of-the-party" and don't have something to say all of the time but I can ease the atmosphere...I'm able to make the other person feel fairly comfortable when their in my presence... So much has changed over this past month and I know I've said this plenty times before...but I'm overcome with a brilliant feeling like my life can stay on the track headed towards happieness and fullfillment. I feel like I can dominate the anxieties and fears that lay within me cause I know I have before and can do again. I seriously recommend all of the skeptics out there to give medication a try because it can change you...gradually you'll get better and better and at some point you will forget what it was like to feel like a complete failure and a terribly abnormal person. I remember being opposed to it at first but I was that willing to change to improve and gave it a chance...and I don't wish to go off it anytime soon. I have evolved and will continue to do so this new year 2003 ~The Khyle "Let all the desperate hours of boredom Lead you to some meaning of truth Bumps and bruises and notebooks for heaven's jury as proof The emotions were shrink wrapped, sold as scraps Choose any scene from the vending machine Somewhere lost in the night, a satellite transmitted dream Industrial revolutions of the soul interchangeable hearts it's manufacturing If we wear out each other it's o.k., just go buy another So let this be a drink to calm the shaking hands that you've found Let this be release, forever unwound." -AYWKUBTOD (Trail of Dead) Khyle785 Registered User Posts: 187 (2/7/03 8:41:22 am) Reply YAY YAY YAYAYAYAY!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was accepted to Florida Institute of Technology and I'm SOOOO excited...next thing I gotta do though is call this guy at the Admissions back, Norman Smith, because he wants to discuss a few things with me ...and this is what my mom wrote: "Kyle - send him an e-mail - or call him - let him know that you love this school but are not sure if we can afford it. (this will take any pressure off of your choosing a school right now, and will result in a productive conversation for him to get together a more favorable financial package - and, even if you don't ultimately choose to go here will be good leverage to pit up against another school.) So okay and then this was the phone messege he left for us, informing that I'm accepted!!!: "Hello this is Norman Smith, calling from Florida Institute of Technology - for Kyle. Kyle, I have your application in front of me and I had a nice, long, chat with your guidance counselor, and we discussed a couple of issues that I reviewed by department for your application, I know that math is a struggle for you and I have some suggestions for you... But the Good news is... Florida Tech has accepted you for Meteorology! I don't like to usually leave this on a message over an answering machine like this, but I'm flying down to Florida to be on a campus for an event this weekend and I don't want to let time to go by and would love top be able to talk with you. If you have an e-mail address, e-mail me at: Nosmith@fit.edu or you can call me 413-527-8390 I live right north of you in Massachusetts - -Just to connect. There's everything important for us to discuss- In terms of Math In terms of Where you are And for everything that your Guidance counselor been so gracious - and honest - and supportive of You .I just want to pursue, as I have for the past 35 years as a guidance counselor wahtever I can do to help you here..This is what my little note here says to you....'I thoroughly enjoyed your essays as I mentioned before - oh God don't want to forget saying that again!'- Math is still a concern... might suggest that you take a review course this summer. I'll be glad to assist when the time comes So, stick with calculus - pursue it! And if you have an e-mail, send me an e-mail. Getting a letter in the mail sometime in the next couple of weeks. Look forward to speaking with you soon. Congratulations. Good-bye." Oh yes, one more itty-bitty thingy here heh! my wonderous essays! heeeeeee!!! ESSAY ONE I made a few changes to the essay after the copy you see below. so the copy below isn't the best it can be...um...let me know what ya think heh! My Omnipotent Concern Flahes of blinding light charge up the sky with sonorious, penitrating claps of thunder lagging a few seconds behind. It's 3 AM; our town is instantly awakened, no longer oblivious to the broadcasted severe storm warning. The energy and the vigor awakens tranquil, sandy eyed sleepers, many times forcing them to recede deeper into the humid sheet covering; blanketing them with a greater sense of comfort. I, on the other hand, leap up, lured to the window like a mendicant lurking around trailing the smell of freshly baked delights. "The Weather Channel" is and always has been my means of scrutinizing ominous storm systems in the tropics during the hurricane seasons. Staring into the very eyes of these storms I'm interested to know precisely where the storms are traveling and how they gain such potency. I enjoyed making something of my childhood days while sitting at "Gaga's" house in front of the TV. Constantly I'd shift from cartoons to the local forecast with great ease, purely entertained. Every so often I'd give my relatives a run-down on the daily forecast and what the next three day's rising moisture, or lack thereof, would bring. It's exciting; an escape from Norwalk and an opportunity to explore the various sectors of the world, to admire it's changing face, and extricate me from a quite quotidian place. The dominating concern of mine at the moment is the gradual warming of the globe's protecting force field, the atmosphere. The growing, proliferating population of recent decades powers their daily activities using choking "Greenhouse Gases". These gases trap incoming rays from our sun. This in turn is heating the atmosphere to some great extent. Of course a few of these gases do not harm veggitation but rather encourage plants to expand and turn lush. But very sadly someday it may all diminish, forcing it all to exist at the very futile depths of the ocean waiting for the end of time. It will all be thanks to the disingrating glaciers that glaze the top and bottom of this sweet sphere we are set traveling through this corridor of outter space on, this lovely planet which is treasured by billions of beautiful minds, Earth. My greatest immediate fear is the way in which this will affect our nation, the United States. What will happen to the families, the businesses, California's hollywood, the vacation hot spots, the wildlife and all that which live in close proximity to the coast? We would adapt certainly but what if it continues to exacerbate and more land is washed away. It would be so utterly tragic. We have time to react, to grow, to change, to examine and gain more knowledge. Knowledge is required and will be used to sort out how to cease the parlous situation we humans are creating. There is time to spread the knowledge, to warn the rest of the world, the inventors of the future. So I have contributed much of my time studying the weather and the ways it influences individuals and life on the planet and I plan to add to what I've gained. I will without a doubt continue to uderstand the impact of this phenomenom, ways to perhaps reverse the trend, minimize damage. One must dedicate themselves to improving the world, and that is what I ache to do. ESSAY TWO I'd altered this to a great extent but have forgotten precisely what I'd changed...hmm...well I'll let you read this one over anyhow...to give you the basic idea...my other was much more concise-but sometimes details can be good i guess... An Accompliment My frame of mind morphed rapidly through transporting myself from the american city of Norwalk I see every day to the novel and unprecedented Japanese city of Chiba. Up until my travel abroad was a middle school experience consisting of time worth being forgotton. Now I glance back on this and compare to today and reminisce on the personal growth that took place there. I first bought into the media's excessive beauty myths when I was in traversing through my eigth grade year. Up until Japan I'd worn a green hat to sheild the world from myself and my mind, most importantly what exists on the exterior of my mind: half my face, my eyes. I was suckered into the not so abnormal teenage body image crisis. And because I was starting out at my surroundings with rapidly exacerbating social phobia, my case of body image obsession was to some great degree more severe than many of my fellow class mates. I fell into an abyss of depression. Longingly I yearned to be a beautiful brilliant media model. I hoped gain a perfect tangible image so to attract human attention that I was presently deviod of. It consumed much of my time; time that would be better spent reading, studying or doing work for my classes at school. My grades slumped during this year because my hovering and impending obsession was greatly interfering with my life. I feared that I wouldn't even be sufficient for my own parents now. Looking into the eyes of another individual was staring down fear itself. That was something seemingly impossible for me to acheive. I remained locked within my own mind. I severed and broke myself from contact from once close knit associations. I sank in loneliness and drowned in lonliness and lost every ounce of faith in the future of me. Beautitude followed this long period of rotting of my soul, for I saught out assistance. I felt chained and locked to such a melancholy life and wished to break free from it. I felt I needed someone to convince me that I was a normal human being and I could be no different from every other one out there. So I openly accepted the trip to the foreign country I had assiduously studied for three years prior, Japan. I sat on the plane in anticipation, eager and willing to get myself over to the wonderously brilliant place I had seen only in my imagination. Affable and overly friendly faces awaited my arrival and seemed to be incredibly pleased to greet me. My prescence affected them in a deep and profound way. I never could imagine that happening before and they expressed strong willingness to connect with me and share their lives. The entire nation seemed to work in such a fashion and exterior appearances were not of great importance any longer, that's the basic impression I was given. I had for once felt truely accepted, loved for that geniune character I was. Japan was spick and span; organized and in full working order. Superior and far more advanced than America it had seemed. It inserted a new incandescence within me that altered my views on life. A new vision of myself arose in my mind and had given me the confidence needed to go anywhere, be anywhere. My homestay wasn't incredibly engaged and dedicated to her personal appearance as I or people I knew at home. She would read novels in her free time, go to night classes, she was involved in numerous after school activities, involved in sports, and would study and spend an ample ammount of her time working on assignments for school. This led me to feeling eager to be that way because it appeared to be the highway to absolute happieness. The moment I stood in the familiar American soil I was overcome with the overpowering feeling that things had certainly changed. I was a deeply complacent and a changed person with this pure, new frame of mind. Japan had purged my soul and extricated me from the admant grasp that had been there prior to the trip. It guided me to self acceptance, something I was in desperate need of and it's changed me for life. Ack...I still haven't worked myself up to calling Norman yet !! Weeeelll....sorry to boast but I soooooo excited now! heheheheheheeh! ~The Khyle "Let all the desperate hours of boredom Lead you to some meaning of truth Bumps and bruises and notebooks for heaven's jury as proof The emotions were shrink wrapped, sold as scraps Choose any scene from the vending machine Somewhere lost in the night, a satellite transmitted dream Industrial revolutions of the soul interchangeable hearts it's manufacturing If we wear out each other it's o.k., just go buy another So let this be a drink to calm the shaking hands that you've found Let this be release, forever unwound." -AYWKUBTOD (Trail of Dead