Topic: People/Family stories
We were called to a meeting with a nurse at my dad’s nursing care facility on Wednesday morning. He is failing so much lately….he has lost close to 40 pounds, has no appetite and won’t even drink many liquids. We had thought it was due to a bladder infection, but he is over that and off the meds for it….and still he declines. So the nurse wanted to talk to us about putting him on hospice care. Hospice….the getting ready to cross the Jordan organization. It will give him a lot of benefits though. There will be 5 people seeing him several times a week, keeping an eye on him, comforting him, watching for signs and giving reports to the family, as well as counsel for the family and rides for my mom if she needs it. It is a wonderful program….it was just hard to hear that it had already come to this. A friend at church who used to work at a dementia floor at a nursing home said that dementia has stages. One of the stages is that babbling, obsessive, paranoid, suspicious stage where they seem driven about things. She said then you'll see a change and they go into this peaceful, quiet stage. It seems like Dad has entered that stage lately.
My sweet dad. The nurses settle him into a recliner each morning by the nurses’ station so they can keep a close eye on him. He sits there with his eyes closed, drifting in and out of sleep, existing. We talked to him. He was awake, but his eyes stay closed as if it’s too much for him to open them. His normal babbling talk was silenced and he nodded or shook his head ever so slightly when I asked him yes or no questions. He seemed more like himself than I have seen him in months and months. I rubbed his arm and asked if he was awake. He made a little sound, keeping his eyes closed. He knew who we were….I think he usually does. I bent down to kiss his forehead and he did a silly little exaggerated, childish kissing imitation with his mouth. That was always his way of reacting when we got sentimental…he got a little silly. So it was good to see him react more like himself.
This friend of mine at church named Jackie, encouraged me to ask him what he is thinking about. She said that often when a person is closer to death, they begin thinking of Heaven, even having little visions sometimes. It reminded me of a day before he went into the nursing facility. He was talking about ‘home’. That he wanted to go home or that he was thinking of home. They had moved a few years back, after living in one house for almost 40 years. When his dementia was bad, he didn’t recognize this new house (of 8 years) that they currently lived in. So I asked him which home, the one we grew up in, in Glendale? “No…HOME” he said, pointing vaguely at the ceiling. “Heaven?” I asked him. “Yeah…” as he nodded, not sadly, but respectfully, contemplatively. Even when he is confused and the dementia is evident, he knows, his spirit is tired….he’s preparing for the future.
So I tried to ask him questions, trying not to get emotional, but matter of factly asking. “What are you thinking about today Dad?” No response. “I really want to know. Are you thinking about your family?” Slight shake of the head. “Are you thinking about places you’ve been?” His finger went up, but no other response. “Are you thinking about home, Dad?” His head moved, but I am not sure if he nodded. He tried really hard to say something, eyes closed the whole time. One short sentence came out but it was so quiet, I didn’t hear the words. But his eyes got watery and spilled over just a bit, still closed.
He ate the applesauce the nurse brought as my mom remembered out loud the applesauce that his mother used to make on the farm. They had apple trees and she would make batch after batch of applesauce about this time of year. He made a throaty noise to acknowledge that he did remember. I put spoonfuls of applesauce into his mouth as mom talked about the farm and his mom.
It was actually one of the nicest visits I’ve had with him since he’s been in the nursing home. The obsessing and paranoia were gone and we had our quiet, peaceful dad back, responding to us and listening, enjoying our company. He has a little stuffed animal that I gave him for Father’s Day. It’s a Scotty dog with very soft fur. I try to remember to put it in his hands whenever I’m there, so he has something to hold and cuddle. When he was in the obsessive stage, he wouldn’t hold it very long, or he would think it was falling and yell at us to catch it because he couldn’t hold on to it and it was slipping. But yesterday as I put it in between his hands that were folded on his lap, he took a hold of it and rubbed it’s face with the palm of his hand. Then he put his face up, eyes still closed and did a little childish barking, as you would do to a little baby when showing them a dog. “rrrrrrrufff, ruff ruff” clamping his teeth like he was biting. I said, “Yeah, Dad, it’s your stuffed dog. He’s soft and nice to hold onto. Hold him for a while.” I was so relieved that he knew and was letting us know that he understood. It will be easier to be there and visit now that the obsessing is gone. I don’t know if we came on a particularly good day or if he really has entered a better stage of his disease, but I’m thankful for the sweet visit. He’s very weak and I do believe he is near the end of his life, but at least there were glimpses of the real him.
When he first had to be admitted to the full time facility, a little less than 3 months ago, he could still walk and he talked to other people there and to the nurses. He was hard to talk to because of the stage of dementia he was in, but he was strong and he talked almost nonstop. To see him decline so rapidly is hard, but in a good way, it is a blessing that he may not have to live long term in this mental condition. Someone (I think the doctor there) advised us when he was admitted, that when a person comes to a nursing home, they either adjust and can live years in the facility….or they decline and die within months or a year. I can tell my dad is tired of this life. I think he longs to be set free to enjoy the next life in Eternity. As hard as it will be on his family, I hope it is soon for him. I hope it is soon.
