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Ask the CPDA Website's Editorial and Advice Columnist Secretia De'Cream questions about your lovelife, gay life, work, family life, etc.! Questions may be sent to centpadrag@angelfire.com (Be sure to put "C/O Ask Secretia" in the email's subject to ensure the email shall be recieved!)

QuestionSecretia Says!
Well my question is what do I do to perform, I mean I am in York PA and have a car but it is not that good to be running around alot. I also only have 2 soon to be 3 outfits and I do not have a job. I've been looking but because of problems I cannot get a job because I am gay. They do not like it and I do not have money to take it to court, so how can I perform and get places?
love, help me
Dear Rhonda (get it? "Help me"? ok so it was a dumb joke
Well honey, sounds like there's alot of things you're letting stand in your way. As for the car, that really sucks and I'm sure all of us at once time or another delt with a lemon or a car on it's last wheels, so I hope that looks up for you soon baby, maybe catch a ride with friends to get to shows and functions? As for the job thing, last I checked it was illegal to discriminate against such things, since you don't feel you could afford legal council, the very least you SHOULD do is call the better business beaurough. As for the outfit problem that's being held fast by this job situation, or lack there-of, just remember going to Good Will to buy some of your first dresses when you're just starting out in drag, especially on a tight budget, is NOTHING to be ashamed of, cuz we've all done it, if anyone says differently I ain't even gonna bother sayin they're a big fat lair honey!! I hope I was able to shed light on your problems or at least bring a smile and possitive attitude to ya!
Yours always, Secretia De'Cream
Dear Secretia,
Hello Dahling! Well, my question is this- What do I do if I have been asked to perform and am afraid because all the other Queens are shall we say "enhanced "?? I know I have talent and definitely look better but I don't want to have anyone talking about me behind my back.Should I get it done also?I look forward to an answer.Thanks hon. Kisses,
Doubting her assets
Dear Doubting,
My first question is this child..."enhanced" as in silicon or "enhanced" as in Mary Jane? Whichever is the case, 1. Surgery: Drag is an art of illusion of appearing as or performing as your opposite sex, Transexualism/Transvestitism is when you buy plastic potatos and have Dr. Potter stitch 'em in. If you like drag and you enjoy your boy-side, Obviously surgical enhancement is a bad idea, just be yourself be an Artist honey! (PS: Whatever happened to good 'ole Duct-tape, two old t-shirts and a bra!?) 2. Drugs: We all know the bad side of being enhanced, enchanted, bombed, tripped, etc. And some of us may know a couple good sides with some damn funny stories attached about drugs, but I digress. You have to make your own decissions honey, but please use good judgement and be responsible. And just as a side thought, if ya gotta take something to make something fun, then you may as well not be doing it and go do something alot of fun that ya don't need a chemical to seem fun.
Love & Luck!
Secretia De'Cream
Dear Secretia,
Where is that Vamp Bitch Vicki, and when is she getting her cryptic ass outa the limelight and back on stage?
-Evil Intern
Dear Evil Intern
Honestly, who does really know where or what she's been up to...First she dies on a plane, Then she's spotted in Philly singing Back up for some goth-punk band, Now rumor has it Revlon may of signed her up for their next Halloween/Fall shades ads?! Is she even still alive....er unalive...whatever she was in the first place? Inquiring minds seem to want to know, but at this point I'm not sure anyone knows but Dracul herself, if it be she still exists.
Secretria De'Cream
Dear Secretia:
I haven't done a show yet and scared off my heels. Do you have any pointers? Would i have to picture the audience nakid. I want to do my first show but a lil stage frightened what should do!!!!!
Scared cock'n-a-frock
Dear Cock'n-a-frock
As a beginner, and even for some old pro's, doing anything before an audience can be quite a challenge. I for one always believed pre-show rehersals were very important to help combat this. Your idea of imagining the audience naked is interesting, and one I've heard people say before. I have no clue if this would work, at least for me I know I would surely screw up entirely because of what I imagined most the people in the audience looked like "in the buff" because I would be in hysterics too much to sing. Practice with friends before a show or see if the show's management is holding rehersals, that's my vote!
Secretria De'Cream
Dear Secretia,
After everything thats happened lately in the news I just don't feel like doing anything for halloween which really sucks. I just feel really depressed and scared with everything going on. any suggestions?
your friend, just isn't the same
Dear Just Isn't The Same-
We've all been delt a major blow from Sept 11th, and the anthrax threat and war that's followed. We can't let these ibiciles win and give into their terror with fear. It is very understandable how you are feeling now and you are deffinately not alone. Be strong honey.
Love, Secretria De'Cream
Dear sec.darling,
Well, i first want to say what a lovely job you are doing. now my question is this- if you are in love with someone is it ok to have a side toy till the wedding? if not how do you get them to stop with out letting them know that you know?
-confrontationally confused
Dear C.C.-
In this day and age there are all forms of relationships, monogamous, open, commited but play together, and down right cheating behind eachothers backs. But if you're asking my honest personal oppinion, I've always believed there are a very few certain toys that were acceptable to play with behind a lovers back: they either vibrate, have 4-wheel drive, have "Matel(tm)" stamped on them, or answer to the name "Mr. Al Pacino"! Anyhow, if it bothers you and you honestly suspect your boi is going astray, you must sit down and ask yourself where you want this relationship to go and what it seriously means to you. Is he just sowing wild oats?.....Or is this a taste of what he's like after the nuptuals.
-Secretia De'Cream
Dear Secretia-
Why are drag queens so confrontational and competitive? Seems like all they do is lash out at eachother and everyone else around them.
y/f, Just want (a) peace
Dear Peace,
Not all of us are like that. Unfortunately however the point you make is very vallid and there's a fair majority of gurls like that, that take all the fun out of drag. Drag is ment to be fun. And yes, events like pagents are ment to be competitive of course, but like in a sport one might play, isn't there also comradery in competition? Never judge yourself on what others think. Set your own standards but be open-minded enough to see other points of view, like they unfortunately are unable to do. And about those drag queens that upset you and take the fun out of drag? Keep in the back of your mind--In the famous words of Chi Chi Rodreguez "You're just a queen 'cuz you couldn't cut it as a man, honey."
Secretia De'Cream
Dear Secretia,
What would you do with a certain drag queen who wears pink pajama's to the summer show and acts like she's beautiful when really she's just a pig in a dress? A part of me wants to beat the piss out of her and send her back to her hole in the south............should I?
Dear Undecided
All piggies have their day at market honey child! Why do they wear pink nighties? To glorify their Sowness. Some people, such as this, take all the fun out of drag. Your best solution is to ignore her. She feeds off reactions of hurt and offense that she causes with her actions towards others. So ignore her, that's the most pain you can ever do back to her. And if she still annoys you, knife the bitch... But sweetie, remember what she's become, and make sure not to become that in turn also.
Secretia De'Cream
Dear Secretia,
My gurlfriends hate that I wear ripped pantyhose and and say I look like a goth version of Julia Sugarbaker, what can I do?
-Goth Dixie
Dear Goth Dixie,
Sounds like they've just got their pom-poms in ruffles that no men be puttin runs in their pantyhose! Be yourself gurl, cobwebs and all!
Secretia De'Cream
Dear Secretia..
I have a friend who wears purple eyeshadow and purple blush. How can I tell her that she looks like a 300 pound Barney in drag? I love her dearly and don't want to offend her -- please help me Secretia.
Purple People Eater.
Dear Purple People Eater-
I happen to love purple honey. I say if she got it, flaunt it flaunt it! Now if it's an outdated shade that hasn't been made since Truman was in office, perhaps a Kaufmann's gift certicate would be subtle hint to stear her away from Family Dollar.
Secretia De'Cream
Dear Secretia..
I have a problem and ONLY YOU can help me. You see, I have a VERY large piece of equipement, and when I do drag it creates a problem. What can I do with 13" of sausage while i am onstage? Please help me Secretia..
Hung in Heels
Dear Hung in Heels...
It PAINS me to say this...Duct Tape gurl! Those butt boster suckie innie pants work wonders too I hear. Another idea is not to look at any magazines with pictures of Freddie Prinze Jr. in them while getting dressed. If you take the duct tape option you might want to look into a cheap pair of undies to tape over if you don't shave the neather region.
Secretia De'Cream
PS: if it's really 13" honey child, Drag isn't your calling, you should be stripping honey!