A Meeting of the Minds

Some days, I just really wish that I had a boyfriend. Like today...
I don't know what sparks this longing. But I wish I could find out, so I could guard against it.
I guess I could have a boyfriend right now if I wanted one... because there's always some desparate guy out there... but that's not what I want.
I have met alot of guys that are so nice and so sweet, you just want to love them. But very nice, passive people don't usually hook up with very nice, passive people.
I'm not saying that I am nice and passive, because I am not necessarily... but I will say that I tend to lean towards that...deep down, I am quite the sensitive, tender one.
I want someone that is confident, because I am often the opposite. I want someone that has some depth. I find that there are alot of "fish in the sea" but most of them tend to swim in the shallow end of the pool.
I just someone that I can talk to rationally and seriously, if need be. But they have to be able to joke around and they must have a sense of humor. I am not looking for a Brad Pitt clone or an Aristotle, but I want whoever he is to be able to communicate on a deeper level. When I am old and sitting in my house with my husband of 50 years, we won't be enthralled with our spouse's wrinkles and gray hair (or lack of it)... it will be a relationship rooted in love and cultivated in communication.
I just want a simple meeting of the minds.

Relating to Rainer Maria Rilke
"Know then that art is: a path toward freedom. We have all been born in chains. A few forget their chains: they have them silver-plated or gilded. But we want to rend them; not through ugly and brute force; our desire is to grow out of them...we must, then, create an infinity within these barriers, since we no longer believe in boundlessness." (Rilke, Diaries of a Young Poet, pg. 17, 37)

Happiness Is A Fish I Cannot Catch
The burning question: Will I ever be truly happy?
I am unlike the majority of people in the sense that I feel too much. Is it a crime to feel so much? No--and yet it sentences me to a lifelong imprisonment in melancholia... the ever-present atmosphere of sweet regret. And I don't know that the prospect of this necessarily frightens me. Others may never wish to be unhappy, and I will admit that sadness is something that has plagued me... but I have to wonder: what would be left of me if I was stripped of this depth of feeling?
I could never settle for the pedestrian vision and a normal life. I find the taste of the mundane and the ordinary to be stale and unsettling. The highs and lows of my emotional life do open up an intensified level of existence that is beyond ordinary happiness--a level far richer than that for which other people seem to be willing to settle. I have this sense of being an alien outsider to ordinary reality, of being unique and strangely different, of being an actor who is moving through the scense of my own life... and to give up the suffereing of this heightened emotional life, the prospect of becoming simply happy, almost threatens to close the door to the intense emotional world. I would probably choose depth of feeling over mere happiness, if I had the option, because I have an affinity for what is real and what is intense in life. The constant state of melancholia cannot be lost for it casts the ordinary events into the dimensions of the aesthetic. My desires and yearnings become a search and a journey, and my depression is transformed into a poetic appreciation for the human condition. The inner tension that these feelings bring to surface is essential to my creativity. There must be an outlet for these feelings, because they are too intense to bury and suppress... they are released through creative expressions such as music, poetry, art, etc.
Since I feel more deeply than others do, I'm often bound to a tragic existence.

But if this is the price for a life that differs from the common, tasteless lives others are subjected to, I will gratefully accept the tears.

i like edna st. vincent millay's poetry!
"That April should be shattered by a gust,
That August should be levelled by a rain,
I can endure, and that the lifted dust
Of man should settle to the earth again;
But that a dream can die, will be a thrust
Between my ribs forever of hot pain."
--Millay

Millay was pained by the reality of certain unrealities. I often feel like I can relate to her poetic descriptions of these feelings because I have always had such great expectations for myself and for my life. i have so many dreams that i want to pursue... a new chapter is added every day! i just don't know what to do because i know that i won't be able to chase down most of these dreams...they scurry into the shadows like mice when i get too close. and i will never climb high enough so i can stand on top of the mountain of my aspirations. i always find myself escaping into this utopia i have built up in my head. it feels so numbingingly peaceful there and there's a feeling of artificial happiness...
but every time i return home from my bittersweet rendezvous with daydreams and fantasies, i find that reality has become harder to swallow... and the harder it becomes to live this life, to accept this sometimes painful state of reality, the easier and more tempting it becomes to run away from everyone and everything i know, without a single goodbye, to my secret hiding place... my psychedelic kingdom that i selfishly find to be a less difficult environment to dwell in and an excuse not to have to cope with real life, which is sometimes real heartbreak, real failure, real loss, real loneliness, real restrictions, real darkness, real misplacement, real weakness, and the reality that i CANNOT handle life on my own... i CANNOT carry this weight on my shoulders, i CANNOT withstand the blows that this life beats me with!
so all that i have left to do, if i don't want to find myself slipping in and out of spiritual consciousness again and again, is to drop to my knees and plead with God for courage to live each day at a time, the courage to pass by this psychosomatic rabbit hole and all of the luster of wonderland, the courage just to be able to keep my eyes glued toward my divine destination!
i pray that i can have the strength and discernment that is necessary to deny myself... being the fool that i am, the things that have induced this state of denial are always the things that leave me wanting something more...things that leave me feeling more incomplete and more inadequate for this life... things that make me feel ultimately emptier than i was before i obtained them, because i found the obtainment to be a let down and the possession to be more dissapointing than the obtainment... "be careful what you set your heart on, for soon it may be yours" --> words to live by!
the desire and anticipation for something is really much sweeter than the obtainment because there it remains an illusion, a dream... and in dreams, everything can be perfect and beautiful. i think the Lord allows us a taste of some of these dreams we have just so that we can experience the bitter after-taste they leave in our mouths. we are only the better for having these let downs. how can we soar on the wings of eagles if our minds become weighed down with designs for artificial wings and our arms tangled in futile labor???

that is one flight that i do not want to miss!

what the world needs now is love... not reality tv shows
reality tv --> people love it... but they don't love it because they love reality... no they actually love it because they hate reality. let's face it: in real life, do we get 25 hott guys follow us around and worship the ground we walk on so that they can have a share in a million dollars if we decide we like them??? NO! in real life, do we get to have someone else's mom come be our mom... and hope that she's cooler??? NO! in real life, do people come and make-over our house... usually resulting in an ugly, funny-colored mess??? NO! in real life, do we just go out and win beauty contests... because we've had every natural body part surgically replaced and altered??? NO!
So some people wonder: what is reality today?
the reality today is the fact that the majority of the US population are sitting around their TVs every night, eating their "low carb snacks", and watching generally good looking people get things that, in reality, most people won't and can't ever have!
make a reality tv show out of that!