The Wedding Day, Or: A Lecture in Sexture
Darcy spotted his new wife’s firm behind, she was bent over… petting a dog or some kind of animal.
“Well well well”, he mumbled, “what have we here…”
Lizzie would have to learn sooner or later who was Master of Pemberley… So he grabbed the pouting buttocks.
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiii!” screamed the woman, and that was definitively NOT a Lizzie – scream. That was a Jane – scream.
“WHY did you HAVE to wear the same outfit!” he shouted. Jane started to cry.
“Horrid man, you have touched me where no man must ever go!”
“No man? But you’re married now!”
“Yes? What’s that have to do with anything?” Jane’s normally big eyes were now HUGE.
“Well, you know…” Darcy wasn’t so keen on being Jane’s Teacher. He’d love to be Lizzie's, though… His normally bulging pants (you know, fashion being narrow pants and Darcy being… Size Large) bulged some more at the thought of Teaching his comely wife. He looked about, and spotted her dark hair over by the hedge… She was bent over, tending to some roses. Mmmm…
Jane was pulling his sleeve.“Come on, tell me! What is really going to HAPPEN tonight?”
“Ergh… Well there’s Bingley, he’ll tell you!” said Darcy and hurried over to his lovely new wife. He reached out and grabbed her firm behind.
“Rrrrrowll!!!!” He was a Tiger.
But when his wife turned, she turned out to be… Mary Bennet. Darcy jumped away. Mary waggled her eyebrows at him.
“Grrrrrrrrrr!” she purred. Somewhere behind him, Darcy heard Jane shout “No WAY you dirty man will I do THAT!” and a slap! Poor Bingley wouldn’t get anything tonight, for sure.
Mary was licking her lips.
“Look, Mary, I’m married to your sister…”
Mary pouted.
“Listen, I’m sure you’ll find yourself a nice clergyman one day…”
“I don’t want a clergyman,” said Mary, “I want a MAN.”
“Well try my cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam,” said Darcy, “he’s got the tightest breeches any man’s ever worn…”
…Swich!
Mary was gone, faster than, eh, faster than the wind, Darcy supposed. But now where was that wife of his, his bulge was making him very uncomfortable.
THERE! She was bent over by the lily – pond, all womanly curving everywhere (Darcy’s Little Brain taking over here, so his sentences WOULD be weird), anyway, her bouncing breasts (two of them!), her wide hips, her leggedy leggedy legs… Rrrouwll!
Darcy slunk over to her, grabbed that FIRM behind (he couldn’t remember her ass being that big, but never mind) and dragged her to his James (course it had a name!) and started humping. His lovely wife gasped:
“Oh, MR. BENNET!” which had the instant effect of killing James. Oh no! He was molesting his Mother – in – law! Thinking quickly (he could do that when James was asleep), he tried to imitate the educated ironic voice of his new Father – in – law.
“Yeah, honey, I want you behind that bush right now! And don’t look at me!”
“Oh, Humphrey, I love it when you talk like that!” squealed Mrs. Bennet and danced away. So THAT was Mr. Bennet’s Christian name! No wonder he never told me…
Well, best be off, Mrs. Bennet was huffing and puffing loudly behind the rose – bush…Darcy went for a long walk, trying to remember what his new wife really looked like from behind. He walked all the way to Oakham Mount and back, only to find Longbourn in a royal mess.
Everywhere, women were crying, and the guests had fled. Elizabeth was weeping in a corner. Darcy, typically, was instantly aroused by her pretty bosom heaving up and down, up and down. Oh, to go up and down, up and down, over…“Fitzwilliam!” cried Elizabeth, “everything is a mess!”
“What are you worrying your pretty little head about now?” said Darcy, trying to master his own little head.
“Why, Jane is saying she’ll join a convent, Mary is chasing Fitzwilliam around the barn, and Mother is behind the rose – bush making frightful noises and she won’t allow us to check on her! She wants Dad to come, but he’s in the Library!”
“Oh, that’s very bad, sweetest, loveliest Elizabeth, don’t you want to lie down for a while?”
“Oh… Okay.”
YES! HURRAH! BOOM! BOOM! I’M DA MAN! I’M DA MAN! JEE – HAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was just afternoon, which meant his wedding night would go on for many, many hours...“THANK you for sorting out this mess, Fitzwilliam, while I go lie down. You’ll find Jane in the parlour.”
WHAT???!!!???
“But…”
“But what?”
“Nothing. Nothing at all… Only… Could you wear that thing I gave you when we got engaged?”
“I… suppose I can,” answered Elizabeth. “I only hope…” but she left him and he couldn’t hear the end of whatever she was hoping.
All – righty, let’s deal with the Bingleys! It was Hard not to think about Elizabeth in that THING he’d given her… Ooh, hard. ANOTHER word To Be Avoided.
Jane was weeping on a couch, Bingley at a safe distance.
“Darcy! Thank God you’re here! She’s been crying so hard she’ll start retching any second now!”
Jane threw up.
“Oh My God!!!!!!!!!!!!” she cried, “I’m pregnant!!!!”
“Jane, you can’t be!” cried Bingley! “There is no way, as I haven’t more than kissed your full lips, and maybe cupped one of your large breasts in my palm, and maybe…”
“CUT IT OUT!” cried Darcy, his pants were going to burst any second now!
“Well if YOU didn’t do this to me, then HE,” and she pointed an accusing finger at Darcy, “with his, his, his… IMPROPER TOUCHING made me preggers!”
“You WHAT?” shouted Bingley.
“As IF!!!!!!! I’ve got Lizzie to, eh, play with, and well, Jane’s pretty and all, but Lizzie she ain’t!”
Bingley thought about it. But then he gave up. He wasn’t a Thinker, our Bings.
“Well, aren’t you going to CHALLENGE him?” cried Jane to her new husband.
This was getting ridiculous.
“NO ONE is challenging ANYONE, Mrs. Bingley!” said Darcy sternly. “And you are NOT pregnant! No way! And you WILL let Bingley near you tonight, too! Then you might GET pregnant!”
Jane Gasped.
“Whaddya mean, “then I might”? Aren’t babies delivered to women by the Good Fairies????”
Darcy looked at Bingley. Bingley stared in horror at his new wife.
“OMG, this lady is in SERIOUS need of education! Bingley, can’t you…?” But Bingley just blushed.
Darcy sighed. He was in for it now…
“Bings, fetch me a pen, a drawing – board, and some of Jane’s dolls…”
An hour later, a thoroughly enlightened Jane was busy on the couch, making out with her new husband. Darcy left them in peace, and went out to the barn, where Mary was still chasing Colonel Fitzwilliam.
“Come… GASP! Here… GASP! Colonel Studmuffingiantpants… GASP! GASP! GAAASP!”
The Colonel saw Darcy, and threw himself in his arms.
“Darcy! Rescue me! She’s a loon!”
Mary came up to them.
“Let go of him! He’s MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” She laughed wildly, eyes turning black. Darcy had NO CLUE how he could have mistaken her for his lovely Elizabreasts… Elizabeth.
“Now, Mary, I didn’t tell you to THROW YOURSELF on the poor man!” He lectured sternly (and boy! Was he gonna use THAT voice on his Elizabeth later – woohoo!).
“Get her off of me!” cried Fitzwilliam, clinging harder to Darcy. “Darcy, I’m not INTO these things!”
Darcy frowned, and lowered his voice:
“Come now, Fitzwilliam, I know she’s not a looker like her sisters, but all in all, you could do MUCH worse than Mary Bennet!”
“Arrrgh! You don’t get it! Why do you think I’m in the Army, Darcy? I’m gay!”
Darcy blinked. Then he froze. Then he sighed.
“Well, GREAT! Now I’m NEVER going to have my Wedding Night!!!”
“?????”
“Well, I’m sure you have to TALK about it now that you’re out… Sit down like flamin’ WIMMIN and blabble all NIGHT about YOU, YOU, YOU!!!! What, I ask you, about ME????”
“ehhhhhhhhhhhh, no, not really. I’m fine. But you might have to talk to Mary…”
Mary was frowning.
“So, you’re gay? SO what? I’m flamin’ merry, too!”
Darcy winced.
“He’s not GAY, Mary, he’s GAY!”
“And…? Happy men can’t sleep with me?”
Darcy sighed.
“Awwwwwwwww I’m NEVER going to get laid… Colonel, fetch me a pen and a drawing – board. And some of Jane’s dolls, too…”
An hour later, Mary, now enlightened, was off looking for a nice clergyman, which might prove a mistake in the long run, but at least it would keep her quiet, though Darcy. Colonel Fitzwilliam had left for Bath.
Now, the WORST CHALLENGE was left to Darcy; he had to convince his father – in – law to have sex with his mother – in – law!!! Hercules might have failed this mission, but then Hercules’ eventual reward was nothing like Darcy’s: Elizabeth was lying in their bed, clad in that… BOING!!!!
After taking control of himself (but not, in truth, a “firm hold”), Darcy entered the Library of Mr. Bennet.“Who is it? Oh, Darcy, my fave son – in – law… Yay!”
And Mr. Bennet took out his chess – board.
“Eh, no, Pops, I’m afraid there is something you have to do before we can play chess…”
“?????”
“I’m afraid you have to sleep with your wife, Sir…”
There was shouting. Lots of it. And Red Faces. And a clutching of hearts, and some Nitro… But what it boiled down to, was a No. A Firm No, from Mr. Bennet.
Darcy though all hope was lost… When something his Aunt Catherine had told him popped into his mind…“But, Sir, don’t you find your wife annoying? Doesn’t she always barge in on you? Isn’t she ALWAYS making a fuss?”
“Yes, yes, and yes, Darcy – that’s why I won’t sleep with her! She holds no attractions!”
“But don’t you know she’s going through her Changes?”
“Her what?”
“The ONLY way to make her mellow, my dear Pop, is to sleep with her!”
Mr. Bennet leaned forward.
“Tell me more…”
“Aww, and me inna hurry. But all right, go get a pen, a drawing – board… and some of Jane’s dolls.”
“…….”
“I mean, I’LL go get a pen, a drawing - board, and some of Jane’s dolls, Sir.”
An hour later, full of lies about what would “mellow” a woman of Mrs. Bennet’s age, Mr. Bennet was striding towards the rose – bush… Darcy felt Pride in himself, and Rose to the Occasion. He made his way to his lovely wife…
There she was, sleeping soundly in the bed, her dark hair curled on the pillow. He reached out and touched her curving body, feeling his way to her most intimate…
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH KITTY BENNET WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY WIFE’S BED?????????????????”
“Elizabeth’s in the Guest Room, you moron!”
“All right, I’m sorry, I’m leaving…”
“No! Wait! Mr. Darcy, when you touched me… THERE… I felt a LOVELY SENSATION… Could you explain to me…?”
Darcy sighed. NEVER would he see his fair, leggedy breastfull wifely – wife…
“All right. Go get a pen, a drawing – board, and some of Jane’s dolls…”
An hour later, Kitty Bennet was sitting in her bed, cheecks ablaze.
Darcy at last made his way to his new wife.
And there she was. Elizabeth. Dressed in the little number he’d given her, stretched out with the curls around her head and a body to die for…
Darcy yawned.
Elizabeth’s arms came about his neck…
“I hear you performed miracles tonight, husband,” she said in a low, throaty voice…
Darcy yawned. He REALLY REALLY was trying to pay attention to his wife, but… The day had taken it’s toll on him. He closed his eyes, and sleep approached…
“Fitzwilliam! Why, are you going to SLEEP on our wedding night????”
He forced his eyes open.
“Oh, Elizabeth, if only you KNEW what hard work it is, enlightening the masses… I’m BEAT. And frankly, I think I know TOO MUCH about this stuff to enjoy it ever again… WAIT! ELIZABETH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? NOT! NOT THE..! OH! OH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH okay I’m not tired, and no matter how much I know I’ll never tire of THIS… ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………yes…………………………”
FINIS
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