“RRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiinnnnngggggggggggg!”
Charles Bingley sat up, banged his head against the wall, swooped a hand across everything cluttering his bedside, managed to sweep most of it, including a glass of water, onto the floor, and was awake.
He stared at the broken alarm clock, and sighed.
Then his eyes lit up.
Today was The Day. The Little Box Day. The Little Box for Jane Day. The very same little box that was perched on top of the boring books Darcy had given him, boring books that had to lie there for at least another month before Charles could put them in a bookshelf. Used to be, he’d give them to Elizabeth. But he could hardly do that now.
But wait! There was no Little Box on the boring books! Only boring books, in an accusing boring pile. Where was box?
Charles Bingley almost panicked.No Little Box for Jane but it was here last night oh Heavens now I’ve gone and lost it how will I ever be able to...
An idea came to him. He leaned over, and looked under the bed.
Nothing to the left. Nothing to the right. Nothing... No, wait. There, in the far corner... Yes.Little Box Back in Safe Bingley Hands.
Before banging his head on the bed, an honest miscalculation, Charles Bingley told himself to stop thinking in Very Short Sentences. Jane was so clever, she’d never date him if she knew how easy he panicked.
The shower only had cold water, but maybe that was Good. He ran out of toothpaste. That, he conceded, was Bad. Mental note: go shopping.
The kitchen was not at all the messy mess he’d left it in last night. It was very nice and clean and shiny. Oh no. That could only mean one thing, and that was Very Bad.His sister looked up from his paper, and smiled.
“Good morning Charles, I took the liberty of cleaning up a little.”
Very Bad Indeed.
“Charles,” said Caroline, “you know I wouldn’t say anything if it wasn’t for that hussy.”
“Don’t call Jane’s sister a hussy.”
“Don’t you go defending her Charles Bingley. Jane is a sweet girl, even if she smiles too much, but her sister took one look at my boyfriend and wagged her eyelashes at him.”
“Caroline, Darcy wasn’t your boyfriend. He’d never date anyone without a degree, you know that, and be ides they are married now and you are too late.”
“Elizabeth has a degree in Folk Arts!”
“Well he loves her.”
“And Georgiana Darcy is hopelessly in love with you.”
“She is not, and she is only seventeen! Caroline, Darcy won’t leave Elizabeth and I won’t leave Jane, and that’s that!”
Harsh, but sometimes Caroline was so dense.
“I’m sorry Charles... Can I come live with you?”
The train was late, and crowded, but Charles was just happy to get away from home. Or Former Home, he guessed. Caroline had asked, but she’d brought most of her stuff already, so he couldn’t really turn her down. Ah, well. He’d need a new place anyway, if things went well today.
His phone played the tune it always played when Jane called him, Calamity Jane. He suspected it wasn’t quite her, but that was the only tune with “Jane” in it he’d found. He knew it was Jane, but he looked at the display anyway. It said Sweet Jane My Girl Friend."Hello?" he said, and smiled at himself. He liked to pretend he didn’t know it was she.
“Oh, Charles, it’s me you silly boy.”
“Hello Jane,” and he made sure the Box was in his pocket. An old lady looked at him crossly, so he flushed and removed the hand.
“Charles, about lunch today...” He heard that she didn’t use capitals like she should, this wasn’t lunch it was The Lunch, the Luncheon of Luncheons.
But then he remembered it was all a secret to her, and she really didn’t know it was The Lunch.“Don’t tell me you are to busy!”
“No... Darling, would you mind awfully if Lizzie and Will joined us? I really really need to talk to Lizzie.”
Oh. Darcy and Elizabeth on The Lunch. Well, it wouldn’t be The Lunch, then.
“Pretty please?”
He could never say No to Jane.
“Sure, Honey, that’s fine with me. I’ll tell them to give us a bigger table.”
He ended the call and two blokes nearby laughed at him.
“Turned you down, did she mate?” said one of them.
Charles felt a little angry at the world.
His PC broke down at half past ten, and Support was no help at all. Then the phone rang, and it was Louisa.
“Hi sis!”
“Oh, Charles, everything is just horrid! I’m leaving Fred!”
“Now, Lou, you don’t mean that. You love Fred.”
“I hate him! He’s so mean! I’m catching the next flight home, can I stay with you?”
“Lou...”
“And Caro told me Georgiana Darcy is dying of a broken heart because of you. Why don’t you date her?”
“Because I’m dating...”
”And speaking of Elizabeth Bennet, I heard she has a lover already. Maybe you should tell Darcy?”
“Elizabeth Darcy...”
“Is a hussy, yes I know. Well, are you going to pick me up from the airport or what?”
Jane was sitting with her sister and brand – new brother – in – law at a table by the toilets. Charles walked over.
“Yes, I tell you, the man has to throw some salt over his shoulder when they are eating at a new place. It’s ancient, you know.”
Elizabeth Darcy had a voice like an angel, a voice that made men do just about anything she asked, and a lot of things she didn’t. Charles saw Darcy quickly throw a pinch of salt over his shoulder.
“No, no, it has to be the left one!” said Elizabeth, and poured a generous amount into her husband’s cupped hand. Darcy rose and threw it over his shoulder, and Charles got most of it in his eyes.
Later, red – eyed and teary, he tried to pretend the conversation was interesting. Jane was telling them about something funny her boss, the reverend William Collins, had done, Elizabeth was talking about a book she was reading, and Darcy was talking about some projects of his.
“... So there I was, with this really awful wig in my hands, and Reverend Collins goes, ‘And you thought a fat old lady couldn’t throw a mean punch did you?’ and I go, ‘Fine, you tell the Council...’”
“And it says the crystals can be used to focus all negative energy, Will dear have some of my potato, I can’t eat another bite, and so all the energies flow together...”
“... But I told McCartney that if you had a brand – new wife and two large corporations to run, wouldn’t you...”
“Eh... Caroline and Louisa are moving in with me.”
Silence. Not Good. And his fish was overcooked.
“Oh, Charles!” cried Jane.
“Bingley, do you really think...” Darcy very carefully didn’t look at his wife.
“With them behaving so...”
“Both of them!”
“... My sister!”
“... My wife!”
Jane got all read in the face, and Darcy’s jaw was set in that very stubborn way. Elizabeth looked up from her salad, which she had been examining for traces of toxic waste, and looked at them.
“I sense a lot of negative energy around this table, suddenly. I must get you all some crystals.”
Darcy got a silly smile on his face, and the newlyweds started making out. Jane, however, was less than pleased, and gave Charles the Angry Look.
“We’ll talk tonight,” She promised, in a tight voice.
His boss gave him a dressing – down that afternoon, and his mobile died, and Louisa called to say she’d charged his American Express for her plane ticket, and almost anything he touched broke in his hands. In the street, black cats kept crossing his path, making him trip, and old women spat after him for no reason.
He kept having to walk under ladders, and once a raven in a tree cried, inexplicably,“Nevermore!”
when he passed.
Bad Day but it was still Little Box Day, because his calendar said so and Charles Bingley didn’t argue with his calendar and the date was circled in a Red Heart.
Jane didn’t want to make out, she wanted to Talk, and Charles forced himself to pay attention.
“...Really, all they have done since Lizzie met Will is bad – mouth her, and Lizzie’s so unaware, she thinks the world of everyone, so if you think I’m going to tolerate them whenever we’re at your place, you have another thought coming Charles Andrew Bingley Junior!”
“But it doesn’t matter!”
“Doesn’t matter?”
“Let them stay there, Jane, I need a new place anyway.”
“A new place? What are you talking about Charles?”
He swallowed, and looked into her big blue eyes. And found his Little Box. And fell on his knee.
“Jane Miranda Claudette Bennet, Will You Marry Me?”
Jane stared at him, her mouth open wide.
Then she started to cry.
First, he thought they were Girl Tears, like girls always cry for everything from small dogs to proposals. Then he realised she was really sad.“Why Jane, whatever is the matter? Don’t you love me?”
She looked up from her hands, her eyes red and her nose runny.
“But Cha – harles, youhu ahasked mehe on... Friday the Thirteenth! What kind of a marriage could possibly stem from such a horrid day? Elizabeth says, the negative energies would triple, for sure!”
She kept crying for a little while. Then she looked up from her hands again, and said in a firm voice:
“But ask me again tomorrow!”
(He did. She said yes!)
FINIS
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