Hello....you made it to my JOKES PAGE!!!! Time for a little laugh? I sure hope so because laughter is the BEST medicine. One thing, you can't be sad and depressed when you are laughing your head off. I used jokes when I was facing the death of my father. Laugher is VERY good for your heart. Medical reports say so. Some of the jokes you probably heard before, some are down-right stupid and corny! But when I get a guest-book up and ready, please send me some of your jokes and I will put them on this page (or another page) and we will all laugh together!!!!!
HERE ARE SOME ONE-LINERS; SOME FUNNY SOME JUST PLAIN CORNY!!!!!
(some of these I use when I go to various chat rooms....maybe you heard them before?)
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms....
And then he stuffed the turkey.
(some of you have SUCH dirty minds!)
Now I have here some name changers. Very Funny
#1 Use the third letter of your first name to determine
your NEW first name:
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa
#2 Use the second letter of your last name to determine
the first half of your NEW last name:
a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker
#3 Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine
the second half of your NEW last name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = buscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice
For example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober
Chickenshorts. Go figure. To be fair, we should
publish Al Gore's new name, too: Lumpy Burgertush.
My name Linda Cozad becomes Zippy Burgerhead! lol! One
of my friends, when I did her name was:
Stinky Diapersniffer!!!! LOL!!!!!! See what your name will become.
WHAT IS YOUR STAR WARS NAME?
It seems George Lucas uses a formula to create all those names you see in
the Star Wars trilogy and Phantom Menace (JarJarBinks, ObiWan, etc.). Well... here's the formula!
To see what your Star Wars name is, follow the steps below...
Your Star Wars First Name:
1: Take the first 3 letters of your last name.
2: Add to that, the first 2 letters of your first name.
Your Star Wars Last Name:
1: Take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name.
2: Add to that the first 3 letters of the name of the town or city
you were born in.
When I did the formula to my name it came out :
Cozli Brstl!! What do you think? I would like to see other people's names changed. Some
will probably be funny, and some might make no sense at all.
The Best Fruit Cake Ever Ingredients:
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup nuts
1 or 2 quarts of aged whiskey
Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, ain't it?
Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the
whiskey again as it must be just right. To be sure the whiskey is of the
highest quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you
With an eclectic mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1
teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile, at this
parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixey hasn't gone bad while
you weren't lookin'. Open second quart if nestessary.
Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit an beat til high. If druit gets
shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver.
Example the whikstey again, shecking confistancy, then shitf 2 cups of salt
or destergent or whatever, like anyone gives a schit.
Chample the whitchey shum more.
Shitf in shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nuts. Add
100 babblespoons of brown booger or whushever's closhest and mix well.
Greash ubben and turn the cakey pan to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole mesh
into the washin' machine and set on sinsh shycle. Check dat whixney wunsh
more and pash out
What My Mother Taught Me...
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into
the middle of next week!"
"Because I said so, that's why."
"Make sure you wear clean Underwear, in case you're in an
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen then?"
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
"Stop acting like your father!"
THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding
his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes
in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto
The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool
and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK!!- the
big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes
himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so. When he returns,
without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and
--BONG!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes
to, tell him that is a crowbar from KMart."