Man, that was a KILLER 2 years though. It was all so weird and magical, to not think about it would be inhuman.

But I could never see her again. And I don't mean date, it's far worse than that, as in I could never have her in my eyesight again. I am that scared of her. E-mail is fine, it's just technology at work, but physical confrontation would be absolutely horrible. I never really was IN love before, even with my 1st long term g/f, I didn't love her, I didn't know what love was. Now I do, it is a gentle touch, and can be a painful knife at times as well, it is everything and nothing all in one. I think that is why me and my ex don't see eachother, we know that we are weak with one another, and we might just mess up.

I know once you find true love, you're not supposed to let it go. But I don't think everyone takes that in the way it is meant. I think people mean you never leave that person, stick through thick and thin, but I think it just means you always hold them in your heart. The last of the relationship was absolutely horrid. Both sides contributed to that. I mean, we would come home, and not talk at all. Anything started a fight, mixing milk in with the packet of that macaroni and cheese sauce started a fight.

I felt REALLY weighed down. I felt she hated me, her parents were constantly pushing me to go to college, and I really just didn't want to at that time.

Everyone in that family was constantly telling me I was a loser, although, I am not sure what I was losing. They provided a great oppourtunity to me, but it was wasted. I had no interest, it was like giving an airplane to someone who couldn't fly. I HATED my job, horribly, hell, it was just a vicous circle of hate in my eyes, even the dog hated me. I still don't know why, but it did. And then came that fucking house, I did not want that house, but no matter what anyone says, I got fucked on that. I told them I wanted to think about it, went to work, got off of work, find out her mom gave her money for the down payment and the process had begun, I was just to help her pay it off, then getting mad at me because my parents are worthless.

My credit sucked too, but hey, I'm actually paying all of that off.

The point of when I really felt like there was a distance was when she started going out all the time and ignoring me. Hanging up on me when I called. I still think she was cheating on me with this recently divorced dude. I mean, by all means, I should have been man enough to break up with her.

This is the crux of love.

Anyway, I was no shining prince.

I think the hardest part is coming to terms with that fact that life goes on, on both sides. When you break up with someone, you expect them to die on the inside, and not want anyone else ever.

But the fact is, they don't. And they do.

And you don't even like the other person, EVEN if you don't know them. That's just fucking weird.

There are a million things I remember, moving in together, fighting, being in love, throwing snowballs at her, going to work together, going to dallas together, a million things.

Things are so much more different in my life. I have my own house, been with someone for about a year (yeah I got involved with someone right after her, I still regret that, but that is the way things are, not that I regret being with her person I'm with, but I do regret jumping into another relationship so quick) I have tons of guitar stuff, new dogs, pure bred miniature pinchers for those of you that care, and I have a job that I love, and I am going to college to pursue a career in nursing.

I really love that job, especially when the patients get excited that I am around, shake my hand, give me a hug, and I can tell they generally care about me. I work at a psyche hospital, a lot of them are very mentally ill, but I try to be a friend, I try to joke with them, and am not just a robot like 99% of the other people there, and I let them know that I care about them.

I have a nice life set up now. Yes, I am sad a lot still, not because of my ex though, I truly wish her to be happy, and I wish that I could just give her a hug and still protect her from it all, but realize that torch was never passed to me. I am never to hold it, but I know that, and it doesn't end my world. I just feel like I have to be sad for a while before I can move on, I don't know how long that while is, but it is.

For those of you who think I will end this with some kind of message to my ex, I'm not.

I said all I needed to say, done what I've needed to do. There is no more for me to do.

"Love is all that I needed, and I found it there in your heart."