Sunday January 20th 2002 128th entry
I have not been keeping this up. Sorry. It's this graveyard
business. My life is going well. I'm very happy with things.
Today I got to play Janet again. I'll post the pics tomorrow.
(Later today)Well, for now it's bedtime. Goodnight!
Friday January 18th 2002 127th entry
Kinda in a hurry to catch a nap before I leave for the
da. Graveyard sucks. I am getting nasty sleep depo.
Only an hour today ,unless I can find a spare fifteen minutes
here and there. I took this test ,let me post my top three
ranking results in order.
I'm beautiful, and I may pretend to be bitchy
but I'm really not. Everything's part of an image that you
have to present to the world.
Find out which J-rocker you are here by
Find out which J-rocker you are here by
I see dead people, I mean...really, they based
the Sixth Sense after me! Oh and don't even get
Me started on Squaresoft. Squall is my clone
Find out which J-rocker you are here by
Wednesday Jauary 16th 2002 126th entry
Ravenclaws value intellect -- you like things which challenge your mind, whether it be math, art, history, or all of the above and more! You might be somewhat withdrawn, or your intellect might make you a bit mysterious to others.
Sunday January 13th 2002 125th entry
Which David Bowie are you?
Tuesday January 01st 2002, 124th entry
Happy New Years!
My resolution is simple. I will become financially
stable and completely independant.
Okay. I have a wild oat. I am starting to get proud of
my cd collection again. Listed below:
David Bowie The man who sold the world.
David Bowie The Singles 1869 to 1993.
David Bowie The Labrynth
David Bowie The Deram Anthology
David Bowie Ziggy Stardust
David Bowie Lodger
David Bowie Hours
David Bowie Earthling
David Bowie Thursday's Child (single)
David Bowie Survive (Single)
Cher If I could turn back time.
Crazy Town The gift of game
The Cure Head on the door
Depeche Mode Catching up with Depeche Mode
Depeche Mode 101
Depeche Mode Violator
Depeche Mode Songs of faith and devotion
Depeche Mode The singles 86-98
Depeche Mode Exciter
Depeche Mode Music for the masses
Dir En grey
Emf Schubert Dip
Enya Paint the sky with stars
Enya Shepherd Moons
Enya A da without rain
Faith No more Angel dust
In the name of the father
Jewel Pieces of you
Madonna Ray of light
Metropolis Gothic Electro industrial 2000
Mindless Self Indulgence Why do frankenstein girls look so good?
Natalie Imbruglia Left of the middle
New Order Brotherhood
Nine Inch Nails Closer to god(single)
Nine Inch Nails Down in it
Nine Inch Nails Pretty Hate machine
Nine Inch Nails Head like a hole
Nine Inch Nails Sin
Nine Inch Nails Broken
Nine Inch Nails Fixed
Nine Inch Nails March of the pigs
Nine Inch Nails The downward spiral
Nine Inch Nails The perfect drug
Nine Inch Nails The day the world went away
Nine Inch Nails The Fragile
Nine Inch Nails Mud Pigs
Nine Inch Nails Painful convictions
Nine Inch Nails Further Down the spiral
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Greatest hits
Pink Floyd The dark side of the moon
Police Every breath you take
The tear gardenSheila liked the rodeo
The tear garen Tired eyes slowly burning
U2 The best of 1980-1990
U2 Who's gonna ride your wild horses.
Friday December 28th 2001, 123rd entry
It's 8:32 AM, and I just got home from work.
I'm too tired to talk about it right now, I've been awake
for far too long. I'll write more when I wake up.
I took this test.. Hmm... well here's the results.
If I were a character in The Lord of the Rings, I would be Galadriel, Elf, Queen of Lothlorien, wife of Celeborn and grandmother of Arwen.
In the movie, I am played by Cate Blanchett.
Thursday, December 27th 2001, 122nd entry
I have a new picture up now. It's about a week old. Christmas
pics will be a little bit, since I need to finish the film
off. I might not be online much for a while.. As a warning.
It's... getting old to me. I still cherish all of you.
But, as most of my close friend's know, I feel there's
something lacking over the internet. I'll keep this up though.
See everyone around!
Wednesday, December 26th 2001, 121st entry
Another christmas has gone by. I just finished
checking my email, and reading on all my friends journal's.
They seem full of comments on long empty Christmas's
and acheing hearts. I'm sorry to hear so many people
were hurting yesterday..
My christmas was wonderful.. I've looked at it as a day
to show people how much you love them and care for them.
It was beautiful. I spent the day, and the day before,
surrounded by people I love. I was thinking, it wouldn't
be that hard to be that loving everyday, and life would
be much more pleasent.
Which Rocky character are you?
This is great! I think it's right. I would make a
good Frank. ! He's also my favorite charector.
Sunday December 23rd 2001 120th entry
I saw Lord Of The Rings last night! All I can say is:
Humina Humina Humina Humina
I'm still sick, stil can't talk. That's no biggie though.
It was abeautiful day today!wow!I was driving down this
long twisty back road, and the sun was shining down through
the trees, cascading over the road and carressing the
backs of my hands. It looked like one of those pictures
you would see in one of those inspirational posters.
Then, to ad onto it all, Enya's, Only time was playing.
MMMM.. That was one of those moments that seemed
to last forever, but not long enough at the same time.
Saturday December 22nd 2001, 119th entry
Argh! I have the flue. Two days of vomiting, to be followed
by a terrible cough and loss of voice. Right before
Christmas too. Not that Christmas holds any meaning to me
(recent realization) But it is a time to show your loved
ones how much you love them.
Tuesday December 18th 2001, 118th entry
It's ironic. The whole six months that Jowie and I
were a couple. I never got my hands on a picture that
actually looked like him. He is Mr .Un photogenic.
Today, he accidentaly took a picture of himself, and
it looks exactly like him catching the true Jowieness.
Here is is if you want to see it.~Jowie~
Hmm. Other side of the coin.
Things are still going great with my boyfriend Nick.
It's like a fairy tale. Wonder how I could be more fortunate.
I first saw him so so long ago. It was in elementary school.
There was this little boy I sometimes saw.. Always staring at.
There was just something about him.
Then Ten years later, I was invited to go see Rocky with
a friend who was on the cast in Bremerton. I was looking
for a local group to call my own, so of course I went.
I went with my friend Flood There was this guy on the stage..
Something about him, that couldn't be placed. Then I met
Jowie, and dissapeared for six months. When
I came back, I met Nick, whom I ended up giving a ride
home, as he was stranded. We talked the whole way ,to
end up exchanging email and ICQ addresses. Three
later, after talking online nearly
everyday, we ended up a couple. People tend to say
"Oh, how sweet" when they see us together.
Apparantly, alot of people around town were just waiting
for it to happen, so it came as no suprise to anyone
except for us. Somedays I want to kick my own Hiny
for not seeing it earlier, but Jowie had such an important
lesson to teach me. Which, I will always be grateful for
Life goes on. There are pains, great and small, but
we must always go on, because where there is pain
there is pleasure sure to follow. Things seem to balance
out very well in life, even when it seems to not be.
Looking deep into what is happening, there is always a
Monday December 17th 2001, 117th entry
Christmas Tree: 30/50 Snowman: 0/50 Santa Claus: 35/50 Reindeer: 5/50 Mistletoe: 25/50 Star: 0/50
Take the What in Christmas Are You? test by webkin and aaronr!
Take the Corporate Mascot Test at Willaston's Lounge!
Sunday December 16th 2001, 116th entry
Happy Birthday Max
It's my little cousin Max's birthday today. He's turning 16!
Time flies by. FAMILY IS ALWAY"S FAMILY.
Just a reminder for people who sometime's forget.
Myself not exluded.
I did something cool and different
last night. As usual, I go to Rocky Horror picture show
One weekend a month. It's turning into a regular
tradition for about a year and a half, except with
Jowie for that six months. He didn't seem to like it.
-Back to story- I walk in do my usual, have my hand stamped
etc etc, then IMMEDIATLY, I am being asked if I can play
Janet, because our Janet couldn't make it last minute.
Of course I can, but my reply is, "I don't know the part,
can you teach me in half an hour?" I ended up on stage,
with no rehearsal ,half a costume, and had a blast.
Although, I had to do the Floor show, (for any Rocky
regulars) in just my panties, bra, and a borrowed pair of fishnets.
That was odd. Alot of hooting and hollering. My friend
Lonnie took pictures, I might post them when I get
my copy. Havn't decided. Well, it's time for me to be
out of here. See everyone later!
Thursday December 13th 2001, 115th entry
Wednesday December 12th 2001, 114th entry
01. name: Serena
02. d.o.b.: December 8th 1979
03. location: Grapeview, WA
04. religion: Self Proclaimed
05. occupation: Computer Geek/Student/Mom
01. hair: red
02. eyes: hazel(brown red right now)
03. height: 5'5&3/4
04. weight: 122
05. figure: soft and slender
01. clothing: Gothish
02. music: Dark and Soft
03. makeup: Some eyeshadow and alot of Eyeliner
04. bodyart: Piercings, Just added a new one
today, I nearly fainted.(self piercings make me dizzy
01. wearing: Black thick cords, Long sleeved black
tee, belt with lots of.. silver things(those holes)
02. listening to: Depeche Mode, Somebody
03. thinking of: I still want to learn Chinese
04. feeling: Like I need a road trip.
LAST THING YOU...:
01. bought: Lotto Ticket and Beef Jerkey
02. did: Took My Boyfriend home
03. ate & drank: Tea and Potstickers
04. read: Kaplans SAT and Pre SAT prep book
05. watched on tv: Braveheart.. I cried again.
EITHER / OR:
01. club or houseparty: club
02. tea or coffee: tea
03. high achiever or easy-going: high achiever
04. beer or cider: beer
05. drinks or shots: shots (flavored)
06. cats or dogs: cats
07. single or taken: Taken
08. pen or pencil: Pen
09. gloves or mittens: Gloves, if I can stand the itching
10. food or candy: Food that tastes good.
11. cassette or cd: CD
12. snuff or cigarettes: neither.
13. coke or pepsi: coke
14. hard or mild alcohol: depends
15. matches or a lighter: lighter
16. sunset beach or the bold and the beautiful: Again, depends
17. rickie lake or oprah winfrey: Yuck
WHO DO YOU WANT TO...:
01. kill: Um...If I said, then people would know it was me.
02. shag: Myself.. You have to admit, it would be
interesting to "shag" yourself
03. slap: I don't slap
04. hear from: Eli ,so I will know if I am playing D&D tomorrow
05. get really wasted with: David Bowie
06. tickle: I don't tickle.
07. look like: me, only flawless
08. be like: See above
09. avoid: That girl and guy that seem interested in me.
10. tease: Not in a teasing mood
01. food: Spring Rolls
02. drink: Tea, Mountain Dew, Water
04. album: Bowie...Cant decide, maybe Man who sold the world.
05. shoes: My Chunky vinal boots
06. site: Webmonkey.
07. dance: .
08. song: Bowie, Wild is the Wind
09. vegetable: Artichoke
10. fruit: Golden Plum/ Star fruit
11. berry: strawberries
Friday December 7th 2001, 113th entry
I put up a message board. Its not mine, obviously,
but it will have to do until I leave angelfire.
Christmas is coming, I keep finding myself driving
down the road humming christmas tunes. Do you find
yourself doing that ever? My birthday is tomorrow.
I am having a lemon cake, with lemon pudding in
the center and lemon frosting. YUMMY! >^.^< (Miaka moment)
I will also have Sherbert.., and Fruit punch..
MMMMM.. Can't wait until lunchtime tomorrow. Hey,
I wanna know what my visitor's would like to see
on my site. Could you let me know? I was thinking
about the art board some more. I don't know if I
can pull it off while using angelfire, but I will
try if people would like to see that go up. Is
there anything else you want to see up? Well, look
forward to hearing from anyone that has
Thursday, December 6th 2001, 112th entry
Which Evil Criminal are You?
Mad as a hatter and friend of Beach Boy Dennis
Wilson, you believe that the Beatles song Helter
Skelter is indicative of a coming race war, where
the "blackies" will win. You also consider
yourself a talented folksinger.
You have amassed a group of female followers known
as The Family, who perform killings for you and
look upon you as if you were Jesus Christ. You
have sex with each and every one of them, and
encourage them to have sex with each other, but
they're most famous for killing pregnant actress
Wednesday December 5th 2001, 111th entry
It's been a little while since the last time I
wrote in this. Honestly, aside from the loss of my
phone for a few days due to an irritating little
rodent, I just havn't felt like it. You see, a
journal is a journal, a place that you write down
your feelings and thoughts for the moment.
Journal's are a place for both good and bad, a
place to reflect on your life at the moment. As
many have seen ,my journal is just that. I don't
mind sharing this with other people. The invention
of the online journal is a wonderful way to share
who you really are with the people who you are
close to, it's a nice way to know someone better.
I have nothing to hide from the world. Well, there
are some things, and those don't go here. I know
that with my busy lifestyle it is sometime's hard
to ever catch me online or on the phone, let alone
in person, so this may be the best way to know
what's up in the little life of Serena. That's
fine, I check out my friends journals for the same
reason. However, it seems that some person,
someone I don't even know who it is, because this
person has not the courage to state his/her name,
has found my journal offensive. I wonder why this
person reads it if it is so horrible. You can find
the message from this mysterious person in my
guestbook... This person is obviously not as
intelligent as he'she thinks they are, for they
are wrong in many aspects. Also the closest I have
come to leaving messages for people on my journal
is to say Happy Birthday to this person or that,
or an occasional thank you ... Well, excluding
this of course, since I have no way of knowing who
this hateful person is., I would rather leave a
private message. My message is simply this, if you
don't like my journal, don't read it. You must not
like me, so why are you wasting your time on my
personal website? yes ,I have plans for it, if I
can find the time to put them into action,
eventually, it won't even be a personal site
anymore. But, I really don't understand why
someone who is so disgusted by me would waste
their time by reading my journal, unless it maybe
gives this person some feeling of superiority., If
that's the case, you truly are a sick fuck.
A true Paladin would not waste their time on such bickerings.
Saturday November 24th 2001 ,110th entry
I didn't mention it yesterday, but Harry Potter was
very cool. I plan on buying it when it comes out
It did manage to get me to look forward to the Lord of
The Rings even more. Less than a month away! Well,
everyone knows what I will be doing on the release day
for that. HEHEHEHE HEHE HEHEHE!!!
Life goes on as it always does, but sometime's I say it
sucks no matter what you do.. I guess I just need to look
forward to brighter days.Oh.. I took yet another test
that managed to label me as goth.
| 20% - 30% (Goth)|
Depressed, mopey, but largely non-violent.
You're fully aware that life sucks, but it's more like a fashion thing to you - you can take it or leave it.
A healthy interest in the dark and evil, but *could try harder*.
Friday November 23rd 2001, 109th entry
A longing, a need for some untold thing. Or maybe it's
not a thing at all, but a notion, or a fantasy, a feeling.
An emptiness growing inside that cannot be explained.
I look down at my lap, wondering why this is?
Is it just the pressure of my life bearing down on me?
Am I near a point where my backbone will just break,
sending my crumbling to the ground like an old building
hit by a tractor? Or is this just another time I will
find the strength to stand on my own two feet?
Thursday November 22nd 2001, 108th entry
Do you ever really think about the meaning behind the
holidays you are celebrating.? Today, I day of thanks.
We are supposed to be giving thanks to the Native American's
for being so civilized and kind to us. For taking us in,
they accepted us into their world, people lost at sea, looking for a new world.
We are all just immigrants in another man's land.
But we call it our land and chastize the people that are
newer to it than ourselves.(actually my fathers side is new here)
Where did the simple thank you go to? Why are there so
many people fighting to take away tribal rights?
Why are they winning? When the land was purchased, there
were treaties signed, stating that the promises
would be upheld. There was no saying, after 50 years
that the people will stop paying rent on this land.
Do you know the shit these people have gone through?
Do you really know? It was in 1972 when they were actually
declared human beings in some states. Washington included.
Have some freaken respect. How would you feel if your
mother had been raped repeatedly by city officials, because
she wasn't human? Or if your grandfather had watched his
brother get beat to death for wetting the bed?
Then, to make it worse, the children of the assholes
that did that to your family, were taking away everything
that was still yours, even after the promise was made
that it would be yours for the rest of mankind.
We have alot to be thankful for, every American citizen
should be thankful, and we should stop trying to go back
on the treaties that our founders made. Thats Wrong.
Wednesday November 21st 2001, 107th entry
I am 73% ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET.
I am pretty addicted, but there is hope.
I think I'm just well connected to the internet and technology,
but it's really a start of a drug-like addiction.
I must act now! Unplug this computer!
Take the INTERNET-ADDICT Test at Fuali.com!
Sometimes people dissapoint me. I don't think I will
ever understand the need to make false accusation's.
What is the point to lying? Especially if it gains you
nothing and hurts another person. I guess I am just too
nice of a person to understand it. Sometime's it
makes me feel weird to be so non violent and accepting
in a world full such cold hearted selfish people.
I often wonder if people like that will ever learn that
loving someone and caring for people is much more satisfying
than harming others.
Monday November 19th 2001, 106th entry
If I was an Autobot, I'd be:
Take the Transformers personality test at android5.com!
Sunday November 18th 2001, 105th entry
I couldn't go to sleep tonight without adding one more entry.
Today it has now been one year since the day I met Jowie.
I can't believe it has only been a year, it seems like
much longer. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday.
I had no idea that meeting him was going to change my life
the way it did. The guy taught me alot about life.
Thank you Jowie.
Everything happen's for a reason, there is a lesson to be learned
with every action. One of the most important lesson's I
have learned was learned in the six months following
November 18th, 2000. Or maybe it is even still being taught
to me this very day. The human heart is not a playtoy.
Love is not something to be taken lightly, prior to the
pain caused to me roughly six months ago, I was unable
to truly love someone, to, treat someone with any respect.
I just didn't take it seriously. Now I do.
On a lighter subject. I have new pictures up.!!
Raven and I~portrait~
Raven and I~Love~
Sunday November 18th 2001 104th entry
Take the Affliction Test Today!
Tuesday November 14th 2001 ,103rd entry
I had some time to waste while waiting for the
laundry to get done, so I did one of those stories
where you just fill in the blanks then it randomly
inserts your answers in the storie. I am LMAO! SO, I
decided to post it!
A Bold Words Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, there was a big, fat girl named
Flood. Everyone loved Flood, but that didn't
matter. You see she was hairy and in love with Eric,
who happens to hate hairy girls. Flood tried very
hard not to be hairy. She even tried fucking. But
that didn't work.
Then one day while sucking through a very sexy Street
Corner, she fornicated upon a pale Dragon. This
pale Dragon spoke to Flood and said, "If you
can answer my riddle I will grant you a wish."
Well Flood masturbated. And she sadly said, "What
is your riddle, small Dragon?"
The Dragon replied, "If a Unicorn has a Girl, how
many Little Boys does it Fuck?"
Flood thought about the riddle and answered, "15!"
The Dragon began sleeping, than it participated, and
turned into a Crackwhore. The Crackwhore came
and said, "You are correct! You turned this old
dragon back into a handsome Crackwhore. What
is your wish?"
Flood was so happy! She knew exactly what she
wanted, "I don't want to be hairy any more! That
way Eric will fall in love with me."
The Crackwhore then manipulated his pale Eric and
Flood was no longer hairy! She left the Street
Corner to find Eric. When she did, she found him
standing Serena, the beautiful girl from
Bremerton. And Eric and Serena lived incoherently
ever after. Flood, on the other hand, died a
I swear I did not know it would turn out this way!
Monday November 13th 2001, 102nd entry
Hey, I finally took some of those tests. I didn't
want to waste my time on emo or grunge though..-sorry-
In order from highest score to lowest.
I AM 79% GOTH.
Image and attitude are my paths to Goth-dom. Graceful and scary. I am the Master, with many slaves.
Take the GOTH Test at Fuali.com!
I am 55% Raver.
|I may not be freaky like those Candy Kids, but I do know how to party. I am well connected in the scene, but may be getting a little tired of it.|
I AM 46% GEEK.
I probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. I never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But I have friends, and this is a good thing.
Take the GEEK Test at Fuali.com!
I AM 41% PUNK.
The intelligent punk. Tuff and Smart. I may be able to maintain a train of thought long enough... What the fuck was I talking about?
Take the PUNK/POSER Test at Fuali.com!
Monday, November 5th 2001, 101st entry
...There are no words to describe today's events...
There was alot I should have done long ago, that I
started to do today. Today was a life changing day.
There is no telling where it will go from here. Goodnight.
Sunday November 04th 2001, 100th entry
Wow., I just hit 100. Actually with how long this
site has been around, that means I'm slacking. I do
try to only write in my journal when there is a
purpose. Today's point to me writing is simple. I have
new content. I added some pictures to my photo album
from halloween. I have a picture of OsirisN and I
together, and I have a picture of my friend James.
On the personal front, things aren't too bad. I have
good friends and close loved ones. My only real issue
is that I have a family to take care of and no real
income to do that with, but , all in due time, I will
succeed. Right now, money is tough, but if I keep
working on my education and trying hard to go
somewhere, I will. I know it with every fiber of my
Wednesday October 31st 2001 99th entry
This is the new year for some people. A time of rebirth,
letting go of the past and being ready for
the future. This last two weeks or so, I have been doing
just that. I am finally leaving some things behind.
I'm the type of person to keep memorabilia left and right.
It's gone now.. All except the most important things.
There's growth and change in my near future. It's
time to get ready for it. Sorry it's been so long since
my last entry, but I've had to go inward for a while.
There were so many answers deep down inside that had to be
found. You probably won't see me hanging around online
much anymore. For those of you that know me in real life,
Don't worry, I'm not dead, just hiding out in the
middle of the boonies. I am spending time in
meditation, and working on cleansing myself, in more than one way.
Alot of people go through this, it's like your life
is so crazy that the only way to get it in order is to
go inward, like a hermit. It's time I got my act together.
There are so many reason's I should, but most important,
is that I do it for myself. Goodnight world,
in the morning you shall find me a different person.
Wednesday October 17th 2001 98th entry
Yippy!!! Some days working on my site makes me
soooo happy. I wish today would never end, well okay,
tomorrow is another day, and I bet I can fit some
time in to work on this in the evening. You can't
tell, but I've been doing alot, most of it is in
making this site more efficient, however I am having
some thoughts on the interactive f my site, you know,
the part I never made, so I need to do some research.
Yay! Someday this site will be all it was meant to be
upon creation, plus it will also be a reflection of
me, which it does show more and more of every time I
work on it. Yay! Yippy! okay.. somebody needs to go
to bed. Oh yeah, ~Jowie~ sent me a link to
Devil.com. It's a nifty little IM service, its still In beta stage,
but its alot like ICQ, withought all the dorks. My
number on it is 25575. Okay, it's bedtime, so Goodnight.!
Tuesday, October 16th 2001 97th entry
Today after alot of thought about someone that is a regular part of my life, I am pretty sure I figured out this person's priorities. ...disturbing.. On the other hand, it had me thinking about my own priorities...I need to work on actually following through on them. There's something else..I have been noticing things I didn't before in life. It has it's beauty again. Last night was a beautiful night. I think it may have been the most beautiful night I've seen. The stars were so bright, and I could see them all, even the ones that I normally don't see. The sky was a deep dark midnight blue. I was with my boyfriend ,and,, everything felt so utterly perfect at one point, I had wished that moment would last forever. I hope that the memory does.
Thursday October 11th 2001 96th entry
Funny thing, I say one thing and do another. I havenít written a word in my journal in a whole week! What am I thinking? I guess my mind is just elsewhere. There's alot going on in the world today. It makes my little dilemmaís seem a bit trivial. Overall, I am a happy person. Things didn't turn out the way I thought they would, but do they ever? As the world evolves, I follow. Today I blew up on someone online. There's this guy, everytime we talk he asks me why I don't like Mexican's. I never said I don't like Mexican's, he just jumped to the conclusion. Either that or he's not who he say's he is. Could be Tec. hrmph! But I won't go there. Someone I don't talk to for a reason.
I had alot more, but I decided it made me sound racist, which I am not ,so it's not here anymore. Instead I will only give three examples of real life situations that I saw with my very own eyes and the images and experiences are burned into the depths of my soul.
What they would do, is they would hang around in large groups, 20-30 of them near the bus stops. When young girls got off the bus, they would circle around the pretty ones. They would then start touching the girls and throwing sexual enduettos at them. The girls that played along with their games, were usually let go. However, the girls that resisted, they weren't. There was a 12 year old girl I saw being taken forcefully by them and thrown into a van. I did not see her for three years. Then one day, as I was with my mother getting out of her car at Safeway to do some grocery shopping, I saw a van pull up besides us. I saw four of these "men" pile out the side door, then a girl with a baby being thrown out. One of the men reached down and grabbed her by the arm pulling her and the baby in her arms up. I saw the same face of that 12 year old girl. Only this was the face of someone with no life left within them. She was malnutriated, dirty, tattered, bruised all over and the only emotion that could be read was a slight pain and submission. That same look that you would see so often on those poor Mexican women with all the children. I knew this girl had been taken forcefully. I knew. I saw it.
Not only did I see it, but about a year before they had tried to force me into one of their vans. I was only grateful that I had taken self defense and was able to get away. To this day I still have nightmares of what life would have been had I not gotten away. After I got away ,I formed a strong hatred for what these monsters were doing, but one day, I saw something that would bring it beyond hatred. I was too far away to help, god know's I tried, I ran as fast and hard as I could to try to help her, but I saw them throw an old woman into their van. No ,I am not racist. I would and have had Mexican friends. However, I do cringe anytime I see an immigrant and wonder if this one is like one of those foul beasts I had to grow up around.
Thursday October 4th 2001 95th entry
I will have a little extra time to work on my site for a while. I am not commuting right now. It's so nice. 5-6 hours of driving a day sure is a waste of time. I uploaded some pictures ,not much, I put up a new picture of Flood. There's also a picture of me with my first vehicle. I uploaded the new background. It is named shame. Alot of people have been asking me about that. In the picture I am 14 maybe 15. You can't really tell, but I am in a corner sitting on my boyfriends bed curled in a little ball. In a way, not only is it shame, but it is also submission, to leave the back so vulnerable like that. Yes, I can see how that may look like prayer, however, it is not, unless you want to go into the queer relationship I had with the photographer. Who was, of course the boyfriend. Hmm...It's strange but we are now friends. He is alot older than me, not suprising it did not work. I am talking about a picture that is 7 years old as if it was yesterday!
Tuesday October 2nd 2001 94th entry
My heart is heavy today. When I came to work, I had a meeting with my boss, the owner of the company I work for. You see, as a company, we are struggling for money. There is a project, a great project that we are working on, which will be this companies saving grace, I am the director of marketing for this project. One thing to another and this thing we are doing gets set back for it's release date. So now it's company cut back time. Some people are part time..Me however, with my position, have been sent over to the structure of straight commission. I swore I would never work for that again. My commission rate is nice, very nice for the industry, a good 7% higher than most companie's pay,(20%) however, I won't have anything to sell for another month, possibly two, actually there is some talk about not being able to do anything until even later than that. It is very intimidating. I have arranged to work from home, one or two hours a day so that I can find some other source of income while I am still doing what I need to do to make this job work.. Deep sigh...I said I would never do this again..Now I will be working two jobs. I hope it pays off in the end. They better get their shit together in the development department.
Friday September 20th 2001 93rd entry
I missed a day! Oh no!!!! I was intending on making an entry everyday for a while, but by the time I got home last night, I was just exhausted. As it goes, I overstayed my lunch talking with a friend on msn, so I don't have time to write something interesting today. I will be out tonight, so guess it will be tomorrow huh?. Oh- expect changes soon. I am finally buying my own domain and I will have more freedom as to what I can do. YAY FOR ME! okay, gotta go. See ya! >^.^<
Wednesday September 19th 2001 92nd entry
As most people have already figured out, I didn't have very much money when I was little. I didn't have any. My mother was struggling by in life to provide for my brother and I. Neither of our fathers were around to help out, and unfortunatly, I was a high maintanance child that needed constant supervision. I was very unstable. So, mom, being the loving mother she was, stayed home with me. My mother was not a skilless woman. She was a successful realtor at one point., I just needed a parent with me. Curses to my father for not being there at all. My mother ran a business from home. She ran many. She had the second largest rabbitry in the state. Yeah. I lived on a farm, what's it to you? We grew the food we ate and traded for what we couldn't grow. My mom also ran a florist business on the side during the spring and early summer. Yes, I know the art of floral arrangements.(amongst certain farmer skills.) Another thing she did, when I was very young, I barely even remember it ,was she ran a daycare out of the home. Sound familiar? It seems so many of my friends mothers did that.
I was lacking material possesions, but, on general, I had a good life. We lived in a secluded neighborhood where everone knew everyone, and the kids would run between each other's houses. One big family. Candace, Shiloh, and Amanda may as well have been my sisters. We had this huge treehouse. It was three stories tall, and it really looked like a house. Sometimes Candace, Shiloh and I would run away to the treehouse. We would board the windows up and pretend that we were all alone on a deserted island.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah... When I was in first grade, my grandmother took me out shopping. It was in December, so it must have been either a birthday gift ,a christmas gift, or one of those combined birthday/christmas gifts I got so often. She took me to the Seatac mall, we went to Pennies and Sears. I was allowed to pick out one outfit. I chose a sweatsuit, it was purple and had a picture with balloons on the front. The balloons were silky with ribbons hanging off them I had never been able to get something brand new and pick it out myself. I think that was my first brand new outfit. I don't actually remember wearing it, I am sure I did, but it was so nice to have it.
I always have a point to what I write. What is my point this time? Sometimes, even the smallest gift will be treasered and remembered for a lifetime. What may seem like nothing to you, Could be everything to someone else.
Tuesday September 18th 2001 91st entry
My website is becoming impersonal again isn't it? What's going on in the life of DawnChylde AKA Serena? Sometimes it does slip my mind which is the real me. Which is? Serena? The person who is all for show ,the elegant, quiet, pretty girl with neat clothes? Or DawnChylde? The dark, creative, intelligent girl who bares all? I really don't know..I guess I need to work on meshing the two me's together huh? Online, has given me a chance to show myself ,for who I am deep down inside with no fear. Now, I need to do that in real life.
- I am starting to. Showing that I do care, to those that matter, voicing my opinion, speaking up when I have something worthwhile. I will be meak no longer! Okay- So forgive me if I am every now and again. I am an introvert exrovert after all.
There's something I want to talk about. It's a story, a true story from my very own past.
When I was in elementary school, I was a very quiet girl, I was so afraid of people that I would run and hide anytime I had to meet someone new. If there was no where to hide and my mother was near, I would hide behind my mother. It did not matter if they were my age, 30 or 60 for all I cared. People were scary. I was happy to only know the people that were in my life. I would have kept it that way forever.
I must describe myself. I was tall for my grade, not my age, but my grade. I was very skinny, you could see every bone in my body, people had accused my mother of not feeding me on more than one occasion. My hair was long and scraggly. It was the most beautiful shade of blonde, like the soft kiss of butter.(real butter) When the light shined in my hair it would look white. My clothes were old and worn. You see we were very poor. My clothes were the hand me down clothes that Goodwill- Rather Helpline for local PO people., could not sell. That is second hand clothes so crappy they didn't sell. I had always looked at the other girls jeaously, I wanted to wear pretty clothes and have pretty hair, but no matter how hard I cried to my mother, It didn't happen. One day ,heh..I took things into my own hands. Here goes Material girl. I learned how to sew, I also cut my own hair! well, anyways ,that went weird. back to the story. Nobody wanted to be my friend. Why would they? I looked bad, and I was shy.
I learned to be very quiet and in the background. The problem with that is that I burned within my heart to be the Star. That's all I wanted. I wanted to be the beautiful girl on stage or on tv that everyone loved. As soon as I was home from school everyday ,I would pick up my mothers old playwrite books ,my favorite was Hamlet, and start performing. I was an actress. (I still am)
I think I am going to start talking about myself a little more from now on, but this, what I have just written, is another open window to my soul. Thank you for looking through it with me today.
Thursday September 13th 2001 90th entry
I am pasting a portion of something I posted on ~Jowie's site~. The stories are tear jerking... Stories of the Muslim Americans rip my heart right out of my chest, hearing about the little boy who was refused entry into his school because of his religion, or the widowed mother who was layed off because of political reasons...Its so sad. All the loss and what our "free" country is reverting to. For being a people of no prejudice, we sure are full of it today. As a people we need to just stand together , UNITED for this..Not fight amongst ourselves. It is no Americans fault, no matter where their people are from. We need to catch these bastards and make a public display of them, to scare off any followers. Thats all.
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under God ,indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
Think about it before the next time you slander a Muslim.
Violence is not the answer.
Black Tuesday- September 11th 2001 89th entry
That's what they are calling today. That and the first day of WW3. For a long time, I have been thinking something like this would happen, but it did, and now I am in shock. I wonder if it will turn out at all like I anticipated? Oh. I just lost my appetite. Well, lunch is about over so, I have to cut this short. I hope everyone is okay.
Monday September 10th 2001 88th entry
Happy Birthday Lonnie
Well, I have been at my new job for a few days now its working fine, but I'm not online as much anymore. Theres something pretty cool going on where I work, and if anyone reading this is interested in becoming a journalist they should go to ~this site~Okay, I need to get back to work.I'll have to write more later.
Tuesday September 04th 2001 87th entry
Ah...September. I love the crisp early autumn air. Its still warm, but there is this sense of fall just around the corner. People are rushing about, making their instincual winter preperations. Kids are going back to school. Festivals are happening everywhere, and I am left smiling, taking everything around me in. My spirit always soars this time of year. I had my habitual evening of staying up late and watching the sunrise again. I seem to do that alot, and I always do when the season is changing. This time, someone stayed up with me for it. Thank you.
I realize that in my life I will have many people I hold close to me, many people that I love in one way or another. Just as the seasons come and go, so do those people I hold so dear to me. They will always be there in my heart, but I have to make places for those that are yet to come. No matter who is here with me, in whatever form of relationship it is, I still have one person. I will always have my best friend. Someone that will always love me and be there. I know I can trust this friend through thick and thin. There will never be any form of betrayel, or growing apart. I have reached a point in life when I realize, I am my own best friend. For the people reading this that truely understand me, congrats! For those that don't., Heh..you must think I am either really alone or conceited. I am not alone, I have many friends whom I love and cherish. I am also not conceited, I am no better then anyone else. Sure, I may be in one way or another, but I am positive that you have something that you can outshine me in. It all balances out.
I am reflective today, at the same time, I am looking forward to what the future holds, and enjoying what the present is. I have a wonderful life. I have done many things that most people only dream of. Sure, I have seen pain that some people can only imagine what it feels like to go through, but everything happens for a reason, my pains, they made me stronger, they also made me more understanding of other people. Even though the past has been hard, I would not trade it for anything, for without the life I have lead, I would not be where I am today. I must not ever let all this glitter make me forget where I came from. I am here, I am climbing, and soon I will be the queen of the mountain. When I am there, I think I will need to help other people to get on their paths.