Book Of Writings

Wednesday June 27th 2001 60th entry
I am thinking about a friend of mine online..One of those friends that has been there on my list forever. Every time we see each other, we say hi and how are you , you know little stuff, we never go very deep into conversation. As we know each other longer little things slip through. Sometimes I really wonder why we are not better friends..Hm.. Oh well.. all in due time. Maybe someday we will be great friends.

Wednesday June 27th 2001 59th entry
The storms are back! Oh I love stormy weather. The one enduring thing about washington weather. The storms. We get the most incredible thunder/lightning storms. *Runs outside to call to the storms* To harness that..Oh..They are beautiful. I had another nice meditation last night. I feel as if I am truely progressing. I think I have a new mission ahead..In the spiritual realm. I will be working on it. I am sure you will all see reflections of it on this website. Today, and most day's lately I have spent much time listening to the spirits of the world.. We really live in a beautiful world. If only people saw that. My sadness.. Oh well. Everyone will see in their own time I am sure. At that.. I need to go, I hope you are having a wonderful day as I am!

Tuesday June 26th 2001 58th entry
Ack! Three more days! Friday I leave for San Diego. Time is flying by. On other things. Meditation has been deep lately. I am reaching new levels..Very nice. Other things. Sorry for the way angelfire is being. It is doing this to everyone that uses it. I am looking for a new webhost. I don't know who to work with, so if you have any suggestions, feel free to tell me. Thanks.

Sunday June 24th 2001 57th entry
Okay five more days tell the big trip. Now I feel nervous.! Thing that really bugs me Thing #1. Why is it that people always try to hide pain? If you are hurting don't deny so much that it hurts. Okay thing # 2. Don't get back together with the ex that hurt you so badly. Thing # 3. Why is it that all the people you want to be around live so far away? Thing #4.When there is something on your mind you really have to say and you can't remember what it is. -Ohh this medication is bad for me. I better go.

Wednesday June 20th 2001 56th entry
Uh-Oh. Plans changed. Now I am going to San Diego! It will be neat to go there. But, I am nervous. Going to strange place so far away, with hardly any money. What if things went really bad? Oh I shouldn't look at it that way. They won't. I get to visit California which I love, and I get to visit my best friend, even better. I am pacing back and forth. What to wear, what to bring.. even which suitcase should I bring? Oh this is weird. What else? What else? Oh I bumped into someone I used to hangout with in junior high. Heh. I guess she is my neighbor now. Small world.

Monday June 18th 2001 55th entry
It has been a while. Why? I needed some me time. Everyone needs it from time to time. I just did not feel like talking much or ever writing here. What has been up lately? Well little things. I got my car fixed but it was very costy. I still am not working. Though I don't want to be until I find the right job. My brothers birthday was saturday. WE had a small party. That was nice. Fathers day sunday. I hate fathers day. Okay. Um. One of my friends is not doing well she went to the emergency room. So I went to her house today and helped out with her son. Okay all caught up.

Wednesday June 13th 2001 54th entry
Taken from a song..Total eclipse of the heart. Oh very fitting. "Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart. Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart. Once upon a time there was light in my life but now there's only love in the dark."

Tuesday June 12th 2001 53rd entry
Ah! I took my car to the shop. Okay the place I took it they are ultra cool. So I am very happy with them. It's just the diagnosis. I am looking at about a thousand dollars in repairs. Also one of the things wrong is a part I had put in by Start mart a year ago. It's supposed to be under lifetime warranty, they refuse to honor it.! I paid extra for that. Assholes. Errrrr....Don't go to start mart. If you wanna hear about it.. I will tell you but I won't waste the space here. It will be nice to have my car runnign again. Whew. Last night I didn't get sleep again. Sucks.. I know I was awake at 4:30 AM. I woke up at 6AM. Bad habits. I have a Revamped Poetry page I am working on, But it's taking forever. Alot of work involved. I will be putting it up soon, incomplete and work on it page by page after that. I put up a new page the other day. "My religous calling" Okay. going to do more work on site now.

Sunday June 10th 2001 52nd entry
Well, I just got home from Rocky. That was fun. It is 6:30 AM. there's alot I want to talk about I will get to after a nap. For now. We just had another EARTHQUAKE! Wow. The weather's nice and we are having earthquakes and water shortage. I think since I can't go to California yet, it is coming ot me.>^.^<

Thursday June 7th 2001 51st entry
I am coding I am coding I am coding., oh no! My computer froze! Un freeze unfreeze unfreeze! Darn it. Lost everything again. Ugh.. Gotta get those darn upgrades done. This is getting old. You'd think I would have learned to save every line by now. Time to start over at the beginning.

Tuesday June 5th 2001 50th entry
I have definatly been meeting odd people online. I think summer is the season for weirdos to rear their heads out. I won't go into it. But I have met some cool people to. Hm.. What else? Alot of people I know are going through finals. Good Luck! I hope you studied well and get good grades. I am thinking of my family. I would like to find out where my dad is now. I want to talk to him. If only he would tell me when he moves. It has been a long time since we last spoke.

Sunday June 3rd 2001 49th entry
Life of Serena. Well I spent most the weekend studying. As usual. I also did not sleep much. As usual once again. I am really excited about ~Geoffrey~ visiting. I have all sorts of plans. Now I just have to narrow them down. Two days to show someone a state. Ahhhhh!!!!!! I only have 4 more weeks to figure this one out. Gonna be weird to meet my best friend face to face for the first time. Technology. Isn't it a wonder? There are so many incredible people I would have never met without it. Bringing to mind., My ex ~Jowie~is really going out of his way to make himself sound shallow. I wonder why?

Friday June 1st 2001 48th entry
Today, I have the sense of utter lonliness come back to me. I don't know what happened or why, but I do feel it today. I have cried several times. I know that I shouldn't. I have lots of wonderful people in my life helping me to get past this, some old that I have known for a long time, but some I believe were sent to me because of my distress. In this past week I have met several very special people I am sure I will make lasting friendships with at least a couple of them. Life goes on, even when it seems like I can't last another day. It will all be well one day. Thank you to all who are here for me in my difficult times.

Thursday May 31st 2001 47th entry

I can't believe this! It is 88 degrees out! Here in Western Washington. Its still May! We don't usually get that kind of weather until July, if we even get it then. I guess that is global warming for you. I wonder what it will be like in a few years? I should be worried but I love warmth.

Tuesday May 29th 2001 46th entry

Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light. I couldn't think of a more fitting thing to say today. Thank you for always being there to rekindle my flame, old friend. Lets see. What's up in the life of Serena? I am still learning c++. It is turning out more difficult than I had thought it would be. I am actually seriously considering going back to school, as in have financial aid papers and college schedules and other stuff., What was I kidding myself? School is so freaken important. I should do at least one class a quarter if nothing else. I admire my brother for going to school full time and working full time. That has to be hard. Other exciting things. Geoffrey is coming out in five weeks! I can hardly wait. We have never actually met in person. I finally get to meet my best friend.!(sounds wierd huh?) Last weekend was my grandmas 80th birthday party. That was fun. I also went to the Folklife festival. I have pictures. I will have them up soon in my photo gallery. I am hoping to go to Junefest next weekend. Gotta count my dollars for that though. Might not be able to. I missed Viking fest, so I should try to go to Junefest. You know hang out with drunk Vikings and brag about my family line being better than theirs.(it really is strong)Oh.! Got a new motherboard for my proccessor, so soon I won't be on a dinosaur anymore! Just have to take the time to swap them out. My friend Tri is graduating college soon, he invited me to come to the ceremony, I am so proud of him.Okay I think thats all the updates. Actually I am meeting lots of new and interesting poeple online. Hope to make friends with a few of them. Now that's it. Gooodnight.

Sunday May 27th 2001 45th entry
I went to this festival today, it was nice to get out. I took a bunch of pictures, I will put a page up with them once they are developed. I got to watch Koto. It is an ancient Japanese performance that they ripped off the Chinese, That was cool too. Hey, this is different, a GIRL just random messaged me on icq. Think I am going to go talk to her.

Saturday May 26th 2001 44th entry
Today, I have a song of the day. It is "Just about enough", by Sebrina Paris. What is going on? It's been a few days. It hits home today. I have responsibilities, not only to myself and my daughter, but the rest of my family too. There are a couple of special women in my family , I deeply care for, that can't get by without my help. One of them has cancer, and she can't even handle doing the dishes. The other is handicapped with serious injuries and really no hope of the pain ever leaving. I guess I don't get to follow my dreams anymore. I sometimes wish that there were other people to care for them. I am so young and have so much to live for. Unfortunatly there isn't much family teamwork, so it's on my shoulders. I guess I can live an okay life here, and my staying here will make it so that they will not suffer as much. I hope to move away someday. I will have to be able to afford caretakers before I can though. That day is getting further and further away.

Wednesday May 23rd 2001 43rd entry
The summer is calling me. It's always times like this that make me eager to follow my dreams and move away to California. Yes, as with many people, the sun reminds me of California. There is something that is bothering me. Ravens grandfather, he has alot of pride, he never said anything until today, so I know it is bad. He is diabetic, this I knew. He was forced to retire early due to his diabetes gettting bad. He retired I am guessing four months ago. He is still waiting for his social security to come through. His money is gone, and he really has no family, except for maybe his adoptive family, Raven. Which would then include me. I guess it is so bad that he had to go to his former boss and ask to borrow some money for food. I don't know what I am going to do, but I have to find a way to help him. He isn't expecting money until July. I think that it is unfortunate for things like this to happen. As someone I know once said., We need replicators. Okay with that I am going to go. I have enough canned food to last a year. Think I will bring some of that over, and I have a ton of meat in the freezer.

Tuesday May 22nd 2001 42nd entry
I seem to be doing better. I just keep my mind focused on happier thoughts and it's all okay. I am making progress now in the C++. I am hoping to get this down soon. It now officially makes sense to me. What else? Guess I am meeting new people. Decided to search icq for people with my interests. Talking to a couple of them now. Not much else. Gotta go. Dark Angel night.

Sunday May 20th 2001 41st entry
It's much later in the day now. Something happened in me. I just snapped. I think it will be okay now. I feel better. I will get over this. Someday, I hope to have a happy marriage. How can I have that if I am all hung up over Jowie? Time to get over it. So um. What's the plan? One thing, I am not working, but I am studying as many hours if not more than I would be working. In a couple months. I should have one kick ass job. Other things. I am not sure if I will move to town, or if I will end up moving to Olympia not really sure. In Olympia I could rent a Huge Nice place for less than a dump in Bellevue. It's a thought. Bellevue is only an hour from Olympia. Might be worth the commute. Another thing. It will be hard, but I am going to start dating. Yes. Dating. Casual dating..Not ready for anything more. But I think it will help me heal. Don't worry, I am very wary of the evil rebound word. Let's see.. Other things. I do not listen to sad music. I am meditating more often. Walking every couple days. Working out more. Maybe I will pick up yoga or something. (What I really wish for is some Kung fu) Hm...Oh, I am up for suggestions too.

Sunday May 20th 2001 40th entry
Today I went to a party. I have just gotton home actually it it 5:33 am. I guess I was trying to get him off my mind. It didn't work. All I did the whole time was sit in a dark corner by myself thinking about him. Sure occasionally someone would come over and offer a drink, or smoke..But thats not what I wanted. I wanted my Jowie back. I can't do this. I am trying so hard to be strong. I just can't do it. I love him too much, and he has truely hurt me. I just can't keep this up. I am crying now, as I am most of the time. If I am not crying outwardly I am inward. I still can't eat or sleep. It's been a week now. Sometimes I can hold food down, once every couple days. I do get a little sleep. I may have gotton five or six hours this week. But I don't think that cuts it. I love him so much. I wish I could stop loving him.

Thursday May 14th 2001 39th entry
Why is it that bad things always happen at once? It has been a bad month. First, I get layed off unexpectantly, second, Jowie leaves me, third, my toilet starts falling through the floor, yes,, There is a hole in my bathroom now, fourth today, is a very bad hair day, had mom "trim" my hair. She butchered it! where as she should have taken 3/4 inch off she took I am guessing three or four inches. Then I go to try a new more subtle hair color, and it turns out almost black...Black is so hard to get out, and it makes me look very pale.. Just wondering what is next? Oh lets not forget the car problems. Think that must be it, yup my car is going to altogether kick the bucket.

Thursday May 14th 2001 38th/45th entry
Not really sure if I should call it 38th or 45th,...Guess I should figure that one out. Today I spoke briefly with my grandmother, about "my plans for the future" she always disapproves of my decisions, but she doesnt just say it., She just gets all cross and has short answers with long sighs..Silent disapproval... What am I doing with my life anyways? I guess I am trying to go on. I had the longest one chaptor yet yesterday in my studies. Who would have thought it could take me all day to do what would normally take fourty minutes? It was so hard to concentrate. In a way, I am glad I am not working right now, I am sure I would get fired if I was. It's time to get back to studying. I need that cert fast..I need to learn this..NEED to...

Sunday May 13th-Wednesday May 16th
Okay I am going to sum up the last 3 days of posts, some of you may have seen it some may not of. I had seven posts. They were very personal, I should not have put them up, But when you are in a state of pain like I have been in, you are not yourself. so here it is, Jowie left me, it hurts like nothing I have felt before. I am an idot for losing the one man I love. It really fucking hurts. There.