~5/10/01 - 6/27/01~  ~The rest~|
Thursday August 30th 2001 86th entry
Hey ,check out what Ducky is doing to his site! I love it.!HAH! YAY DUCKY!
Wednesday August 29th 2001 85th entry
Look I know my site is buggy still, I know it doesn't run well in Netscape Navigator and I know that I should lose my frames. I am working on it, but this site is a hobby. IT IS NOT MY LIVELYHOOD. If you havn't noticed by the absence of journal entries, I am busy with other things. I love this site, and I love that people come and visit here, I also promise all the kinks will be worked out ,and as soon as I can afford my own domain with more freedom, I will make this a more interactive site. At the moment, I am severely limited as to what I can do. The other day I gleefully found out that Angelfire has CGI capabilities, I have written asking if there is anything else I can do that I was not aware of, but as of yet, no reply.(they are always slow to reply)
Honestly, I have been doing alot of research lately. Today, after my final interview with Microsoft, I made my decision. You can call me "Marketing Director for a successful .com company." Phew. It took me nearly two weeks to decide. It was hard. They offered so much pay and benifits, plus the position is much more prestigious, but you know, software sales for MICROSOFT, is software sales for Microsoft. Heh..Not sure which is better. So ,it all came down to meeting the guy I would be working directly under...Well, You ever see that steriotypical sales person sleezebag on tv? heh..Maybe he was nervous or something, but thats all I could think as I was in the interview with him. Plus the job itself...What is Microsoft thinking? Cold calling? MS should not need to do that, I think they should work a little harder on PR than start a team of people to solicit unsuspecting citizens.. Who is really going to believe it when they hear someone on the phone saying., "Yeah this is ____ ____ with Microsoft. We have this new software, I see that you do not have a select user aggreement with us yet." I would personally think it was a prank call.
Tuesday August 28th 2001 84th entry
This deal is getting too sweet to be real... Hah.! I can't believe I still have doubt in my mind., It must be there because it seems unreal..I need solidity, I need to see it in writing I guess..I am too pooped to talk about it, plus I shouldn't until it is in writing and signed, but phew! Twilight zone or something..Maybe all this bad luck has been happening so some extreme fortune could fall in my lap(okay, I WAS hoping for the lotto, but no complaints,) Good fortune is still good fortune.Goodnight. Oh- I have a big pile of code I am working on but it may calm down for a few days, I am trying to focus on this decision about work. I think I should know my answer by tomorrow ,or maybe thursday.
Thursday August 23rd 2001 83rd entry
I have speant many hours crying to this song..It reminds me of Jaime., See we were supposed to go see the Crow opening weekend, she died the Sunday beforehand..Her loss was life shattering to me..Love does last forever. I hope that she is happy wherever she is now...
IT WON"T RAIN ALL THE TIME Jane Sibberly
We walked the narrow path, beneath the smoking skies.
I hear pounding feet in the, in the streets below, and the,
Oh it won't rain all the time.
Oh, when I'm lonely, I lie awake at night and I wish you were here.
In the pounding feet, in the,
Oh it won't rain all the time.
Last night I had a dream.
Until I felt safe and warm.
It won't rain all the time.
Thursday August 23rd 2001 82nd entry
When it rains it pours.
Sunday August 19th 2001 81st entry
It's been a week since my last entry. I bet you are wondering what is going on in my life. What is happening to me? Well, my life is pretty good, reflecting. At the moment, I have no money, I am worried about my bills piling up, I may even be sent to collections for some of them, geeze, I don't even have my own home. I am living at my mothers house. I am a 21 year old single mother..I never realiazed how hard it is to be a single parent until the days that I started to walk that path myself. Once, long ago in my happy little world I was living, I didn't see what my mom was living ,just so I could have that happy little bubble. Now I do..I can honestly say ,it is one of those things you will never understand until you are there, walking that same path. Who ever you are, who ever is reading this, I hope you never have to walk this path. Some nights I lay in bed not able to sleep. I have this horrible feeling within my chest, it never goes away..I hate where I am...I know I should not be here..My heart, my mind is screaming at me about it. Mostly I am sad though. I am sad for everything that is lost, and everything that will never be. One thing I want..It's something most people want whether or not they verbally admit it.. I want the big house, the nice car, the 2.5 children and the happy marriage..
I know I can make money. I can have the big house in the good neighborhood, with the nice car, and I have Raven..She is 2.5 children all by herself., but the happy marriage...I won't just marry for the sake if being married, otherwise, I know some good husband material, and both of them would have loved to have my hand..It's love though..I will only marry for love.But me...I am not wife material....I have a questionable past. I have a child.. So I have to give in, I have to hope that I can at least have love, though I can't expect it to last very long, because who would want to commit to me? ... Love...My heart aches for a love so strong that it would be told of in fairy tales. I have so much love in my heart..I just want to have a person I can give that all to... Someone that would also return it. If you want to hear of someone that didnt, look in my archives. I am very jealous of people that wait to have children until they are married. I wish I had waited.
Otherwise, I can't complain about my life. I have this job offer, with a good company, its a very nice position, and the pay is great. They are even letting me have some time to research the company and decide if thats what I want. I will be able to afford a large nice apartment in a good neighborhood in Bellevue or Seattle. Heck, I could afford a house, but I am not THAT grown up yet. Probably go ahead and get a new car and build a new computer. Though I will need a nanny..Any nannies out there? Not really a nanny, more of a roomate that will watch Raven for me on the occasional overnight business trip.Trying to figureout what a good offer for that is..Room and board for a couple/few nights of childcare a month...Or.. Room board and cash for daily..and Raven just going to preschool instead of daycare. But, then again, I don't know any nannies, and I don't trust strangers. Maybe I can bribe my mom to come stay at my house with Raven if I get an overnight business trip. I don't know.. Now this is getting long ,so I should end it. Goodnight.! =^.^=
Sunday August 12th 2001 80th entry
Do you ever have a day where you are just tired? It's more than a physical tired, it is mental emotional, spiritual, and well, you can even feel it in your bones, the world around seems tired... Today is one of those days. I am amazed I even bothered to come and write here. It's been a while, I should.
How you turned my world, you precious thing
Thursday Augsut 09th 2001 79th entry
I just did something very difficult today. It is something that had to be done, but I don't know how I will ever forgive myself for it. I know it is best for everyone, and someone had to do it, but sometimes it is hard to have to be the one that does it. I hope you find peace...You have always been there for me...Please find happiness out there.
I should talk about this.. Geoffrey, we have known each other for a long time, through thick and thin we have been there for each other. I met Geoffrey while he was still in High school, and I was with Nate, Ravens father. At the time I had this horrible job. I had to work long hard hours and I was having issues with my home life. It was good paying, a job to show you your true self worth and I proved I was worth alot. An assett to any company. It was just too much for a 19 year old girl who wished she was not living..I knew I had to, Raven...Geoffrey was this wonderful comfort, some nights I would not sleep for the sake of staying up to talk to him. Eventually my life did change, I kicked Nate out, I quit my job and I went to Car Sales with the intent to save money up for college. At this point I made some new friends, a whole group I fit right in with in Renton. I moved in with two guys that were from that group as roomates.I have to say, even though I did some stupid stuff, that was not a bad time. I got by ,and I was happy. I left car sales and moved back in with my mom, she had offered to support me through college.
Well that fell through, but I had already taken a contract job at Wizards of the coast, I was not about to leave them behind.My word is my word. Geoffrey and I became very close over this time. Talking everyday, sending emails when we both weren't online. At one point he convinced me I needed to meet more local people. That is when I met Jowie. November 18th 2000..We met at the Tacoma mall. I never really intended to fall in love with him, it just happened. I saw him, one look and I was his. We started dating, and before I knew it, I was introducing him to my friends as my boyfriend. We did pretty well until New Years eve. We went to Crystal Method at EMP. It was pretty cool, except there was this girl I could not keep my eyes off, she was so pretty , intoxicating..From that point on, Jowie never seemed to trust me. Geoffrey and I were still close, talking every day, I would tell him everything. I was starting to wonder..What if? The poisenous what if..At some point I am thinking mid January, I told him about that.. Later maybe in March ,Geoffrey told me he was falling for me and asked for me to give him a chance, I was touched, but, I had Jowie.
In May, Jowie left me. I was crushed, I did not eat or sleep for a week afterwards, I saw no point to living any further except for my cursed duties as a mother. We can all thank the fates for Raven's existance, otherwise I would not be here today. Geoffrey had to of course approach me, me who was wallowing in pain. I did not want him near me, I was hurting so bad, it was the last thing I needed, some guy who was trying to wisk me away while I was still single, I could not comprehend dating..A couple weeks later I did agree to meet him, so we would at least not always be haunted by what if's for the rest of our lives. I flew down there on June 29th..To meet Geoffrey.
I think his romantic words and offers to always be there faithfully and never hurt me were too much for my shattered heart. I went there, we held hands..It was so nice, a glimmer of warmth in my frozen heart. I fell into this state of being..He was so nice to me..It was so nice to have someone caring like that. That saturday, we aggreed to try. We were going to try to have a relationship with us living 1200 miles aways from each other.
I should have known that it would not work, but my little girl deep inside yearns for a love that can overcome any obstacle and a man that would do anything for me. Geoffrey would do anything for me. Now that it is over a month later, I realize it was only my aching heart reaching out for someone, anyone to love me. Geoffrey just happened to be the first person to make that offer. Now, I have lost my best friend, but at the same time, I wonder how good of a friend he was..After all, he was not willing to give me the time to let my heart heal from the damage inflicted on it. It took me actually to be healed to see what was going on,, and ever since I have, I have not known what to do, now, today ,I have done it.
Tuesday August 07th 2001 78th entry
I don't know if anyone reading this actually has seen the movie but, I have the song, "If I were a rich man" from fiddler on the roof stuck in my head."If I were a rich man, Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum. All day long I'd biddy biddy bum. If I were a wealthy man. I wouldn't have to work hard. Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum. If I were a biddy biddy rich, Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man. I'd build a big tall house with rooms by the dozen, Right in the middle of the town. A fine tin roof with real wooden floors below. There would be one long staircase just going up, And one even longer coming down, And one more leading nowhere, just for show." more... What is scary, is how well I can sing the song...You'de think I was a jewish man(no not really ,I sound quite feminine singing it)Okay.
That's for Nate if he ever reads this.
Saturday August 04th 2001 77th entry
Bah! Today is endfest day, and of course I am too broke to have bought a ticket. Happens every year, I am either too broke or working. On a cheerful morbid note. I found out where Jaimie is buried. I get to go visit her after six years. Maybe I will do that today.
Friday August 03rd 2001 76th entry
Today I received some back files from the local newspaper I had requested. I am trying to gather up pictures and newspaper articles on some deceased friends of mine to make a memorial of sorts on this web site. There was alot of useful stuff, I am guessing about sixty pages. It's just print, no pictures, thats a little dissapointing. It's also very hard to read through this stuff when it is about people that meant so much to me. Especially the stuff on Jaime.Actually, the stuff on Jerry is difficult to, he was only 13 and he was beaton to death. We hung out every day. Actually I had seen him right before he left. I had also seen the people that beat him to death. I remember that night having a seething hatred for Mel, one of the people involved in his beating. But I did not know why.I guess it was subconcious precognition or something. I think about Mel, she is going to be released soon. I don't know why they took it easy on her, she was as much apart of it as the other three. It looks like they never brought up Magick..He got away. He is still out there if he hasn't died of aids..He is out there on the streets offering young girls money for sex. The bastard. I think I have some aggression I have never dealt with involving this situation.So now my mission..I do have some pictures of Jerry, I had pictures of Jaime and Jessie, but I don't anymore, I also don't have a picture of Wes. I am trying to find some pictures. Also...Trying to decide if I should include more people. But those four were all very close to me, and still are deep down inside. Their memories will last forever with me..Jaime...I will always love you. Wes , I'll never forget how good of a friend you were, and Jessie, Jessie, you were the only person that unerstood me. Jerry,....Jerry..All those lazy days of coffee at caffee zoo, music at punk palace ,pool...I always kicked your butt, but it was still fun. Skating in the back streets of downtown Bremerton, dodging cops so we would not have our skateboards confiscated..yeah, a smile comes to my face when I think back at that. May the memories last forever..
Thursday August 02nd 2001 75th entry
Please save me from this hell I am living?!?
Sunday July 29th 2001 74th entry
I think to today is a lyrics day. I am adding this to my lyrics page, but since not everyone frequents that, I thought I would put it here. This song truly expresses my romantic heart. It is from Mysterious Play, which is definatly one of my favored anime series.
The legend begins to unfold
Sunday July 29th 2001 73rd entry
OHhhh.. Sweet surrender. There is nothing more soothing than driving some of the backroads on the way home late at night., The feel of the curve as I push my car, flying around corners and sweeping on dips and hills..I don't know any way to describe the sweet blissfulness it is. Which brings to mind a song. Fitting to my mood.
reluctantly crouched at the starting line, engines pumping and thumping in time. the green light flashes, the flags go up. churning and burning, they yearn for the cup. they deftly maneuver and muscle for rank, fuel burning fast on an empty tank. reckless and wild, they pour through the turns. their prowess is potent and secretly stern. as they speed through the finish, the flags go down. the fans get up and they get out of town. the arena is empty except for one man, still driving and striving as fast as he can. the sun has gone down and the moon has come up, and long ago somebody left with the cup. but he's driving and striving and hugging the turns. and thinking of someone for whom he still burns. he's going the distance. he's going for speed. she's all alone in her time of need. because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course, he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse, he's going the distance. no trophy, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no wine, he's haunted by something he cannot define. bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse, assail him, impale him with monster-truck force. in his mind, he's still driving, still making the grade. she's hoping in time that her memories will fade. cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course, he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse. the sun has gone down and the moon has come up, and long ago somebody left with the cup. but he's striving and driving and hugging the turns. and thinking of someone for whom he still burns. cause he's going the distance. he's going for speed. she's all alone in her time of need. because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course, he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse. he's racing and pacing and plotting the course, he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse. he's going the distance. he's going for speed. he's going the distance.
Friday July 27th 2001 72nd entry Argh! I have to get moved. I think that this me living with mom is destoying our relationship, any time I am out at all late she gets all mad at me, and then it makes me want to leave again! Then she gets even madder! But then maybe her anger is caused by her knowing that I will be moving soon, and her being a handicapped 53 year old, she is worried about being here alone. It's not that I'm going to forget her its going to suck to have to spend my weekends coming back to her house two hours away to clean and help her with other stuff. Responsibilties..Sometimes I feel like I have been thrown a little more than your average 21 year old. Sometimes I just want to get away from it all and act like a normal person..Sometimes I feel like I could snap. Sometimes I get angry at the world and angry at myself..
Tuesday July 24th 2001 71st entry
It's that time of year again. Every summer there is a day when I can almost feel her fear and concern shooting through the skies for him. What am I speaking of you ask? I am speaking of my cousin Russ, and his poor mother CJ. See ,do you ever hear of those valiant people off fighting the wildfires? He is one of them. He goes out every year risking his life to stop fires that no one ever sees, no one thinks about, but if it weren't for him, and others like him those fires would make their way across the land destroying homes and taking countless lives. Do you ever stop and think about the people that fight for your safety and well being? Do you ever thank them, at least in your mind? There is more than just them. How about police? Everone down talks them, but would you be able to safely walk down the street after the sun went down if it weren't for them? I won't rant for too long, but maybe you should stop for a moment and thank the people that are out there risking their lives to help keep you safe. Well, Goodnight.
Sunday July 22nd 2001 70th entry
It has been a few days. I have done a few things . last friday I went out with my friend Clarence to a show and then coffee, that was fun. I am still looking for the right job. I have added some songs to my lyrics page and today I added a dream to my dreaming page. I don't have anyhting else to say. I am in inward thought mode today. See you around!
Tuesday July 17th 2001 69th entry
Saturday July 14th 2001 68th entry
Thursday July 12th 2001 67th entry
Monday July 9th 2001 66th entry
For now, I will be speaking of my best friend. My best friend.... His name is Geoffrey. Most people call him Geoff, Tsihao, or Kabuki, but to me he has always been Geoffrey. We have known each other for a long time. Somewhere around two years, although neither of us is entirely sure when it was we met. I do know however that Nate and I still lived together. That was some time ago. When we met, I had searched him on icq. Yes the culprit! ICQ..I was merely looking for new friends, other people that liked gaming, anime, and well other common interests. I did not search by area. I merely searched that time by people who gamed. I am sure you can imagine how many results that brought up. There was something that made me feel like i had to talk to him. I made an effort to always try and start conversations, sometimes not sleeping at all just to talk with him that night. At this point in my life, I had a job where I would sometimes work up to 17 hours a day. How was I to know that this boy in High school would end up such a significant person in my life? We were so different..
Over time we spoke more and more often, I started to feel some very strong emotions to him, admiration, dedication..and well he made me feel very comfortable and was able to soothe me at the worst of times. I had never seen a picture of him, I really had no idea what he looked like, but I had a crush on him. I knew that our lifestyles were so different that my crush was fruitless., There was no point to it. He and I would never be together. He deserved a nice young girl who had lived a life siliar to him, not me.. Oh no not me, I did not want to corrupt him. He was too pure, too inocent for me to lay my hands on..Too PERFECT...So I turned my efforts, I tried harder to look at him as only a friend. We became closer friends. During the summer, he went away to China.. Well I should say asia, without warning and I did not see him for a long time. I lived my life, constantly thinking about him, wondering what had happened if he was okay..I knew in my heart he was alive, but I was worried. I changed my lifestyle alot that summer. I was in a drunken stuper honestly, I discovered just how much a girl like me can actually hold down.. That whole thing about body fat is a crock of shit.
Geoffrey Comes back. Okay, the little while he was gone turned into much longer that we did not speak. My computer crashed. I did not know how to fix it, it was down for two or three months. Eventually we did regain our contact and we became very close friends after that. I stopped the things I was doing, cleaned up my act alot. He sent me his picture. Geoffrey's picture.. I could not kid myself about him being a boy any longer..I know he is not a boy. No more than I am a girl..(Notes how young I really am)There was something about him. Made mt heart sigh with longing for more. My dedication became much stronger. I only wanted the best for him. I then started trying to help him find his Belldandi. He never did find her. I dated a few people, but never anyone seriously. Just guys.. At Geoffrey's prompting, I decided to meet more local people. That very same night I searched ICQ for people that(I have a thing for Korean guys, I think they are very attractive) spoke Korean. I found Jowie...Why he has that in his profile? I don't know he doenst speak Korean. I was intrigued by this guy. Joseph Carlson. That spoke Korean with such an American name. So I sent him a message. I wonder if I even slept at all that night. We stayed up talking all night. He did most the talking about this girl he knew in Utah. We agreed to meet, we were both bored and there were a couple mutual movies we wanted to see.. We were supposed to meet as friends.. Well, that night turned out more like a date. Before we knew it, Jowie and I were a couple, spending Christmas together and everything. Geoffrey and I were still very close, We talked about everything, and he was happy for me finding what I had with Jowie. A few months in..about four and a half my relationship with Jowie went bad. What drove it bad? Well, he still loved that girl in Utah.
This is when Geoffrey decides to tell me how he feels. COuld his timing have been worse? After I had completely given up on him, found a relationship with someone else and was having problems? Oh no.. bad timing..That was when I needed his friendship the most. I felt very alone all of a sudden. I was having problems and my best friend was having problems with me having them. Oh it was a nightmare..A couple weeks later after Jowie had requested I not talk to Geoffrey any more, Jowie and I had a fight..I thought for sure we were broken up. But I guess we weren't. We worked things out . Well, sorta. Shortly after, I was layed off from work. Jowie had a vacation coming the week after I was layed off. The two days before his vacation started I was at his house using his computer for study..(It is really nice) I was opening something in a new software program or something.. Not exactly sure thinking back how this happened, but Jowie was beta testing the new windows..Whistler. It was all buggy, it opened up something else..Right before me, looming where I could not look away was an msn conversation about how he still loved her. I never told Jowie what I found that day, So, Jowie if you are reading this, this is why I got so upset that day. That mothers day, just a week or two later. Jowie left me. I was sent into oblivian, I was so depressed I could not do anything but cry. I could never go five minutes before bursting into tears, I could not sleep or eat. For a week. All that sleepless time where all I could do was hide in my bedroom and ignore the outside world., Well, it gave me alot of time for thought. Alot.
Eventually I did pull out of this. It was long and drawn out but I did pull out. Sometime through this Geoffrey decided we would be meeting. To know once and for all if we would ever be more than friends. Originally we were to meet here in Seattle, He would come visit for a weekend. Not much time, but honestly enough to know. One thing then another, his parents were so against him coming, he decided to respect their wishes and flew me out there instead. That was the 29th of June. I came out not really sure of myself, wondering if I could possibly be a good judge of my own feelings right now, while I am not trusting men at all, afraid of rebound.. Afraid that the comfort of someone who cares so much would overcome my senses..Meeting Geoffrey, it was just like it had been so many nights when I had dreamed of knowing him. When I went there..There were many things I had been seeing all my life. Things I had dreamed of. Things I knew were telling me of something very important to me. I know now why all the things that have happened to me happened..I had to be ready for this. Jowie. Thank you for hurting me..I am actually grateful you did. Someone had to sometime..I am glad it was you.
The weekend I went there. Something new happened to me. I never expected it, but it happened. I had a feeling of utter complete wholeness. I felt as if the part of me that has been missing all my life was found. My missing part, my best friend..I could have spent eternity with him. I did not want to leave, those moments with him., well It went from to nervous people until the end where I felt like we were flowing together as one.. I fell like I never have before. I found myself wondering how this could ever happen, but it has to happen to everyone sometime. I think that if there is such thing as a soul mate. Geoffrey is mine. I think I knew way back when we first met on icq that night, but now., Now there is no way to deny it. I love Geoffrey..Heh. Yeah . I am smiling. I talked to him on the telephone today..Well, we talk all the time. Recently, we have decided to wait for one another. There is no point to having small insignificant relationships if there is something like this possible on the future. Today, I asked him if I could call him my boyfriend..He was so happy. He actually thanked me. That is a first for sure. But I feel that calling him my boyfriend, that does not truely describe my feelings.. Boyfriend is an understatement. I really dont know what to call him. He is Geoffrey, Geoffrey who has always had a piece of my heart..Geoffrey who I willingly give myself into now..Geoffrey whom I will wait for as long as I need to. Geoffrey..my other part..I feel complete now..I will not be tearing that away.
Friday July 6th 2001 65th entry
Wednesday July 4th 2001 64th entry
Wednesday July 4th 2001 63rd entry
"United we stand, Divided we fall"
It is my sentance for thought today. The other day, monday I think it was, I was nitpicking my mother. Actually, really getting down on her. See while I am home, I upkeep the house. I do most of the cleaning and household repairs. I was gone for three days and when I came home, the house was a disaster. I guess I over reacted, but I should not have taken it out on my mother. She is disabled after all, and she was a great help by picking me up and watching my daughter while I was gone. It turned into one of those things where she got all defensive and we started arguing. I had to go to my room, put on some music and think. Something in me just clicked. I kinda smiled and went back out to apologize. I realized how silly I was being to get upset over something so small. A house can be cleaned. It's not that difficult to clean. It is no reason to harm a relationship. Instead of fighting over little things. Well, I am going to try to reinforce the good things. Yeah there could be no better quote for me today. Also it's fitting being that it's independance day and all..
Thursday June 28th 2001 61st entry
Thursday June 28th 2001 61st entry