[ January 02/04]
A new year is upon us and I am certain that most of us have indulged ourselves in one way or another to usher in the new year, a time for change for the better both personally and in general.
I just feel older and am beginning to look like an old man trying too hard to "look cool." I dont feel as if I am trying to "look cool," since I have always done whatI believed I needed to do to discover the person I am and wanted to be. I never meant to come across as if I am trying to "look cool." I never meant it to be this way.
I just did what I believed in and looked to find my place in this shit world where I belong and it took years of struggle and fighting and now I have found it and I feel good about who I have become;but now I am old and I am sure I am not the only one out there faced with his inevitable crises for lack of a better term for facing ones aging.........o well.....
An overwhelming sense of helplessness in the form of dependency and poverty can bring on feelings of depression and may even feel as if it is more than any soul is able to bear, consuming enormous amounts of mental, emotional and psychic energy. Freud once said " how sweet it is to die."
No one can be sure of what to expect or what comes after this life, but I must wonder if the embrace of death simply may mean oblivion. But that is the state of ambivalence I am caught in--- is my entire identity effaced or do I merge trustingly into something bigger? There is something comforting in yielding to a superordinate power, a sense of relief in letting go of the colossal burden or do I fight the temptation to admit helplessness and dependency and humiliation and with determination embrace life no matter what?
Its the ego that gives self governence, it allows me the ability to take action, make choices and to shape my destiny in some ways. But what deters me, what impairs me from attaining higher aspirations? What is it about this existence that I find wearisome? How do I face up to the emotional reaction of fading away with justifying that fading away? Should my death have any meaning?
I can justify it from within, to trust those meanings that I securely know, but those meanings are ephemeral, fragile, discredited or I can trust nature which seems rather unconcerned, even antagonistic to my desire for meaning and purpose. What does nature care if I live or die or anyone for that matter? It is able to negate millions of lives with no regard or remorse or regret. And what of humankind. We go off to war, destroy nature herself, so what now? I have tried appealing to a higher power for justification and I have sought a conceptual support for the meaning of my life from some kind of transcedental dimension. I cannot be sure of anything except for the day when my life pulse ebbs and fades into oblivion.
But I cannot avoid asking, what remains and where do I go? Perhaps not knowing is what keeps me here.
It seems that I have secured little knowledge about and possess even less understanding of human nature, and have attained a sisyphean and absurd level of general imbecility ......but I must not lose courage........however difficult situations may appear, however impossible it may seem........humour helps.......
I was listening to a talkshow radio program, and the host was discussing the matter of ethics in the workplace and wether or not it exists, has worsened or improved over time. Apparently, if you believe in statistics, 26% believe their employer is ethical.......dismally low or what!
60% of those under 30 would sleep with ther boss in order to secure a promotion!!! I won't get into it, but I certainly have a few choice words to describe what I think about all that.
When speaking to young people, the majority are jaded and cynical about the future and issues pertaining to morality and ethics, right and wrong, respect and so on in general.
Nothing is sacred and nothing deserves honor unless it is completely self-serving.Commercialization is rampant and so prevalent, that the almighty dollar...praise god..is to be served at any cost..........
We've have all made mistakes, and become embroiled in morally questionable behaviour at some time in our lives....personal harm is one thing,and at some point one must assess the merits of continuing that undesirable behaviour or not and what it means to do so...to give the head a shake and say whoa......this is not good..... but when that harm remorselessly extends to others and destroys lives and the answer to that is "its all part of Life," I Say F$#^%&^%$CK THAT!!!
I have tranquilized myself from the madness that has taken place during the war. I have felt choked at the miscarriage of lies and deception and I can't help but feel that the damaging effects will show in increasing fury over time and the pettiness of human beings will be expressed in deterioration of value and respect for others. As I grow older I thought I would become wiser, more tolerant and accepting, but some things are just too insane and bitter to put up with.
Recently,my thoughts have become increasingly filled with horribly disturbing and vicious images ever since the escalation of hatred and distrust between the USA and Iraq has increased.
The problem of course isnt with the people of either country, its the insanity that takes place between political figures seeking some sort of domination of this paltry world and have it resting at their feet..........I am obviously oversimplifying the situation, but a political point isn't what I want to do here. Its the increasing disgust I feel rising inside of me like a disease that makes sleep difficult and Life even harder.
"listen to the hungry cries for Life
as death fills it red with blood
and savours the marrow of lambs
listen to the howl of death
and the moans of the weak and the butchered
as the sickness grinds away
dark and furious."
What happens to us and of what do we speak of when our strength, aggression, fearlessness falls away and our egos are eclipsed by our souls and then realizing how vulnerable and fragile we really are, we find perhaps that we are filled with more questions than answers.
What do we think about when we are faced with our own extinction, annihilation of our existence, and there is nothing that can be done about it. What is exposed?
As if the terror of existence wasn't enough to deal with, now the face of beyond is staring out at us. Perhaps at that moment something new is created and something old is destroyed and only this way can self-transcendence be experienced.
It would seem that in order for this process to take place, thrashing about in the realization of ones finitude is required in order to question it and see beyond it.
The invisible mystery of existence lies within every creature, that inner self that yearns for ultimate significance, to stand out and be seen-a small god.
And perhaps there exists as well the invisible mystery of creation one ought to affirm and connect with in order to experience ultimate cosmic significance-true freedom.
What is wrong with believing, hoping, and creating, in order that death and decay are outshined?
Spirituality has come to mean less and less.
It has been eroded and trivialized by what we perceive to be the reality of our existence. And in its stead, we have chosen to fetishize the pursuit of those things that shall pass and fade away and quickly forgotten. Money and its pursuit has become an obsessive compulsive, fetishistic need. Money is certainly essential for survival, but it has become so much more than that now .... it is THE new god, and it has driven us away from self-knowledge, awareness, reflection.
The irony is that it has doomed us to a life that isn't ours. Commercialism has contrived endless ways to prevent us from thinking, deadening our sensitivity and passions and the urge to be distinctive in the universe. Its time to reach beyond this mind "dumbing" and to reach beyond ourselves, develop a stronger will, dedicate ourselves to a greater vision for mankind. Even with our monumental achievements man cannot deny nor diminish the large scale ravages inflicted upon the world.
We like to pretend we are potent and powerful but the truth is we have only given ourselves over to our greedy and vile nature, which only serves to conceal the true inner fears of that of a trembling, fearful animal desperately seeking approval and comfort, trying to affirm our feeble powers.
We have no power. We are not potent. We have no magic.
This may appear cynical at first but we need to generally create meaning, a new reality by which we can live and nourish the soul and thereby express mans nobler side.
The potential is there ... maybe ... perhaps that belief is nothing more than wishful thinking on my part, a character defense created making it neccessary to exist and move each day as if I mattered in the great scheme of this ambivalent universe and from recognizing what I really am to keep me from going mad ....
And so the question remains; are we noble creatures? I am not afraid of what I am. Humanity is a trembling tragic nightmare imposing its arrogant, offensive desires upon this world. The questing nature, so ambitiously poking and prodding attempting to know everything, to manipulate and even go so far as to challenge nature herself.
We gratify our obsessive indulgences at the cost of the air we breathe and the water we drink and the land we ravage.
So what we have is basically the vulgarization for the reverence of life. We have a short-sighted bureaucracy, public servants too weak and passive to take a courageous stand against the powers that be for fear that they may lose the next election and a public that impassively sits apathetically by bloated with a sense of self-importance.
When do we wake up and realize we are no longer immature children seeking immediate gratification. Will we wait till nature is fed up with our antics and say ok,I have had just about enough of this and responds accordingly? Is there hope for us? I say no, there isn't. But I will say this.
There are individuals that have risen from the slop that is human waste....hahahahaa......forgive me but that last line ACTUALLY made me laugh!! But that is not a reflection of the human condition in general. They are exceptions. They are the light. It is they that make me feel that maybe there is hope residing in our little vulgar souls.
The noble stature of the human species has always been a questionable condition for me. We are at a point in our history where our souls need tremendous healing and requires a sense of wholeness and conversion and commitment to free ourselves from the hideous darkness of war and violence.
Perhaps our role models need to change and qualities of leadership should be found among saints, poets, artists, writers. Perhaps we need to foster an environment, a new climate of genuine creativity driven by strong values, truth, promise-keeping, or is this simply naive idealism?
I have added another poem, "APOCOLYPSE" on page 3 of my poetry section dealing somewhat generally with these issues. It was written a while ago, but it seems that as humans we choose to strip the human soul of dignity and value ....
its just easier ........