Agent Doggett and Agent SecondAgent knock on the door. Bond lets them in. Agent Doggett's partner, Agent Sam SecondAgent, is an F.B.I. Agent we last saw in "Anasazi." He's a tallish, graying-blonde guy. He was brought up in California. He surfs.

In true X-File tradition, the Agents have come to ask the Lone Gunmen to hack into a secure government site, an act that carries the risk of several years in a Federal penitentiary, and of course they haven’t so much as brought over a free thermos of coffee from F.B.I. Headquarters for the guys’ trouble.

(Leila’s note: This flagrant abuse of friendship soon will be rectified by Frohike’s e-friend Lois Lane. Frohike has given her printouts of the daily log that he has kept for the past several years. Lois is in the process of documenting their billable hours as “consultants” to Special Agent Mulder. She has enlisted the aid of her lawyer to wend a very discreet path. Any hacks into secret government sites will be characterized as having been authorized by Special Agent Mulder. “This will accomplish two important tasks,” Lois explains to the guys, “It gets you the money you deserve, and it directs any blame to the proper place.”)

“Uh, I’ve been asked to have you guys sign off on anything you have me do,” says Bond, as the Agents enter the office. “It’s our new policy.”

“Well, we don’t want you to do anything,” says Doggett, looking around, “Where are the guys?”

Bond explains that they are on “A Cruise to Nowhere,” and adds, “But, actually they’re gonna go to four ports…they leave from Seattle, cruise to Olympia, then up to Victoria, over to Vancouver, and back down to..."

“WHAT? shrieks Doggett, "Seattle…Olympia…Victoria and Vancouver???” He races over to a wall upon which hangs a roll of maps, and pulls down one that is titled “Western Provinces.” He grabs a marker and connects the cities Doggett is wild-eyed. “Are they mad? Don’t they know what this is?" Both Bond and Agent SecondAgent are befuddled.

Doggett continues, "Why, they’re sailing into ‘The Vancouver Quadrangle!!!”

Bond and SecondAgent are as bricks.

"It means ships check in, but they don't check OUT." explains Doggett.

"Whoa." says Agent SecondAgent.

“Jeepers. I hope everything’s ok.” remarks Bond, glumly.

February 25, 2002: The S.S. Queen Faraday, in the Strait of Georgia:

But indeed, things could hardly be worse. Because the cruise date is in the “off season,” all of the ports are filled with ice that is beginning to break up. They have just visited Vancouver and are their way back down to Seattle. The captain has posted a watch for any large chunks of ice. Night has fallen and a fog is on the seas. In the middle of the night, the watch awakens the captain and crew with the report of a huge iceberg off the starboard bow! They veer sharply to port but the iceberg is still in their path! They execute a series of evasive maneuvers, but the iceberg is still dead ahead! Finally, the captain orders the ship to stop, prior to putting the ship in reverse. The iceberg powers up alongside, and on one section, where a part of the iceberg overhangs the ship's maindeck, the ship is boarded! A horde of penguins overruns the deck, capturing the captain and crew! Penguins that have managed to sail a huge iceberg up from Antarctica.

Fascist Penguins.

It seems that during the filming of the Spookyfiles movie, some several years before, the Spookyfiles Producer had asked his cousin, Bud Baxter, the research scientist, to biologically engineer some penguins smart enough to pull the film’s hero across the ice on a sledge to a secret Alien facility hidden under the vast Antarctic ice sheets. A gene-splicing goof caused the penguins to become way too smart. Instead of just standing around staring fixedly, which is what penguins do 90% of the time when they’re not looking for some fish to eat, the little band of super-penguins held secret organizational meetings, then broke out of their pens one dark night and took off. The scene that originally featured the penguins pulling a sledge was rewritten to be shot with a “sno-cat” vehicle, but that vehicle ran out of gas before the hero could reach the Alien facility.

This was when the Spookyfiles cast and crew found out that not only had the Penguins escaped, but in addition to stealing a lot of frozen fish, they also took several small boats which they re-configured into their massive iceberg craft, and also took most of the film expedition's fuel with them. The scene that was to be done with the penguin sledge, then the sno-cat, was rewritten so the hero discovers that the secret Alien facility is within walking distance.

The rest of the scenes were shot at Pox studios, with a lot of harsh laundry detergent “snow” on the set. The female lead developed a rash.

On their way up North, the Penguins decide to subjugate Humanity, and then they plan to make the planet colder, if they can, by not burning any more carbon-based fuel for warmth. If they can instigate another Ice Age, so much the better.

February 26, 2002: Various Places Around the Queen Faraday:

The first thing the Penguins do after taking over the cruise ship is to turn off the heat, and then flood and freeze all the decks. They freeze the pilothouse and the boiler room, and the ship comes to a halt. They freeze the communications room, and the ship is cut off from the outside world. They freeze the kitchen, and now the only edibles offered in the dining hall are cold raw fish and cold raw seafood.

February 27, 2002: The Main Deck of the Queen Faraday:

As the passengers slip, slide and crawl helplessly about the now inhospitable vessel, the Penguins are waddling stiff-legged on their rubbery little feet, marching in formation around the decks, in a show of strength and solidarity. They salute a flag with a penguin chick cracking out of an egg, symbolizing the next generation of Penguin Overlords.

In case you were wondering, since leaving Antarctica, the Penguins have been travelling the globe, mostly staying in colder regions, but sometimes making forays into warm areas to wreak the occasional meteorological or political havoc. El Niño? That was the Penguins! Those impossibly little old men and women in Florida who apparently forgot how to vote? Those were the Penguins! Well, ok, only some of them were the Penguins.

February 28, 2001: In the Water Near the Queen Faraday:

Agents Doggett and SecondAgent, Bond, and for some reason, Yves, are approaching the cruise ship in a small Coast Guard craft under a cover of thick fog. With them are Navy Seals: Amelia, Freefall, Dumpling, Toulouse, Nimetz, Nemo, Pom-Pom, and Zeus, plus baby seals Dubya and Sheena, Oprah and Xena. Do I need to mention here what seals eat?

Problem (urrrp!) solved. The cruise continues to Nowhere, as planned.