This script was written by my good buddy and fellow obsessive Duranie, Nurse Twigenstein, who hopefully won't strangle me for putting this up here without her permission, but that's what happens when she sends me something this damn funny... No resemblance to any persons living or dead is intended, this is a work of fiction...well, the fiction part is true anyway...
This movie script is rated PG-13 for strong language, kinky sex acts, kleptomania, Simon frolicking naked, drug and alcohol use, jabs at Andy for being poor and Nick being a sick twisted freak. That being said...enjoy!
** This movie is the defining moment of John's career! (Oh God, who am I fooling?!)
* Oh the drama!
* Oh the suspense!
* Oh the multiple pairs of orange pants in the wardrobe department!
IMPORTANT BACKGROUND FACT:
First of all, this magnificent role calls for John to have a peg leg. "A peg leg?", you may ask? (It's kind of like a drunken pirate...Ahoy, Matey! Arrrgh!)
John has a damn peg leg because he was in a L.A. mini mart when it was robbed. While trying to escape, he slipped on a Slurpee puddle, sliding into the masked gunman, who accidentally shot him in the foot.
This movie is the defining moment of John's career! (Oh God, who am I fooling?!)
*SCENE 1*
Gela divorced John. John and Simon were having a hot and heavy affair while Gela was out of town, testing various color swatches for next season's Juicy Couture collection. One fateful day, Atlanta came home from soccer practice to find John and Simon performing Kama Sutra on the couch. She was obviously frightened and called Gela on her cell phone. Gela was horrified and caught the next available flight home. Upon knocking on the door, Gela recieved the shock of her life: Simon answered the door butt ass naked and weilding a fire poker! Gela and Simon began angrily wrestling on the ground. John didn't care that Simon was being bitch slapped by his wife; he nonchalantly walked out of the room. After all, he had more important things to do. He entered the bedroom to find Simon's discarded trousers and pocketed all of his credit cards. He wandered back into the living room, where Gela was lying, partly conscious, wearing a severely ripped Juicy Couture shirt. Simon was nowhere in sight; he had escaped and was running down the street in his birthday suit. ("CUT!! My birthday isn't until next month!" SHUT UP, Simon, you fat idiot...) Anyways, John had no idea how he was going to get out of this mess.
"Gela, Simon tried to rape me at gunpoint!" shouted John.
Gela countered, "How do you expect me to believe that?!?? Atlanta called me in tears...she told me EXACTLY what you were up to! You BASTARD!"
John, stuttering as usual, replied, "Gela, Atlanta thought she saw me and Simon engaging in Kama Sutra! She was hallucinating, I swear! She must have pocketed Nick's stash of hallucinogens at last night's show..."
*SCENE 2*
Andy called John on the telly. They had decided that it would be beneficial to meet up and jam for the next Duran Duran album. When Andy, fresh from England showed up at John's house, John answered the door in an apron, pink Juicy Couture jeans, bunny slippers and his trust mullet. Andy was impressed.
Using his favorite quote, Andy announced, "John, you're a child genius!" Upon entering John's house, he marched straight for the refridgerator. He about had a hernia upon realizing that JOHN ONLY HAD NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER!!! Andy went ballistic, tied John up, smothered him in Crisco (John didn't mind being tied up...he was used to S&M acts with Simon and he had heard that Crisco was a great moisturizer.) Andy, being the tubby little teddy bear that he is, cuddled up next to John and forced him to watch reruns of Miami Vice on the "Kama Sutra" couch.
*SCENE 3*
Finally, John convinced Andy to untie him by enticing him with Simon's credit cards. John told Andy that he could buy as much beer as he wanted. It was an offer Andy couldn't refuse. After Andy left for the store, John raced to the phone and dialed up Nick.
Nicky, hearing the phone ring, daintily sat down his pink lipstick.
N: Mmmm, hullo?
J: It's Tigger Taylor.
N: Oh weally? What is the matter dear?
J: Methinks me life is over! Gela's divorcing me, Simon was just spotted frolicking naked in the neighbor's sprinkler, Andy attacked me, and Atlanta hates me because I accused her of doing drugs...I feel so terrible.
** (Of course Atlanta isn't doing drugs! She has to pass a pee test for soccer, you know...)
N: You silly thing! Uhhhh...ummmm...why don't you and Andy fly over the pond and pay me a visit? It's just a hop, skip and a jump! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to boiling my potpurri.
J: POT-pourri?! I want some!
N: No, dear, it's perfumed leaves and pinecones. Over and out! Tah tah!
*SCENE 4*
John immediately hung up the telly upon hearing the doorbell ring. He was hoping that it was Pablo Escobar with 4 kilos of cocaine, but to his disappointment, it was little old Andy, shit-faced drunk. (Surprise!)
Geez, John, why is that rolled up 100 dollar bill hanging out of your nose?" exclaimed Andy.
"Oh, I don't know, Andy. Nick said that we should fly on over to London and pay him a visit. He said if you come along, he'll bake you beer bread."
John hurriedly packed his suitcase:
Hair gel?
Check.
Crowbar?
Check.
Orange jeans?
Check.
Small balloons filled with a mysterious white powdered substance?
CHECK!
Handgun?
Check...
"Saddle up, Andy! Methinks we are ready! Wait, Gela took the SUV...we have no car. Oh dear, poor lass, she won't get very far. I filled the gas tank with narcotics...she should be getting pulled over any minute." John said.
Andy started jumping up and down like a greasy little monkey.
"What is your fucking problem?" John yelled.
"I have the greatest idea ever! You take Atlanta's Hot Wheels Barbie car and I'll sit on your lap!"
"Brilliant!"
When they miraculously reached the airport, John realized there was only 10 minutes until the plane left.
"Last mullet to the plane is a rotten egg!"
** Well of course Andy won: even though John's legs are three times as long, he has a peg leg for this role. Also, Andy's mullet was so big that it flapped like wings in the wind.
Finally they reached the plane. Upon boarding, John heard an oddly familiar, earsplitting voice...
"JOHNNY! John, it's you! I FUCKING LOVE YOU! I WANT TO HAVE ALL OF YOUR CHILDREN! GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE! I am a world famous actress now!" (Oh, lord. What is the world coming to? Who is she trying to fool?)
John slowly turned around. He was face to face with the biggest mistake of his entire life----Amanda.
John was panicking - he wasn't known to handle stress well. After all, he was high, trying to babysit Andy, and face to face with his ex-wife from Hell (literally!). John was a terrible wreck. He reached into his suitcase. His heart was pounding...it was either going to be him or Amanda. He reached for his handgun. He found it...WAIT! IT WAS ATLANTA'S CAPGUN...
*SCENE 5*
* 1 hour later.
By now, Amanda was out cold. After all, downers and champagne were not the best combination. John began to get emotional. How could so much possibly go wrong? He needed someone to talk to. He rang up Nick, but there was no answer...Oh, well. There was only 12 hours left. The 12 longest hours of his entire life...
*SCENE 6*
The plane FINALLY landed. Swaggering through Heathrow Airport, John pulled Andy along on a luggage cart.
** (He was passed out cold...what was John supposed to do? Let him drift away on the baggage claim? What is wrong with you people?!!)
John was starving. He had a severe craving for some comfort food...he hadn't had anything to eat since earlier.
"Wake up, Andy," pleaded John. "I need to borrow some cash. It's not like I have any money...between financing Juicy Couture and paying for Atlanta's soccer lessons...that is the ONLY reason I'm doing that damn reunion tour."
Andy replied half coherently, "John, don't look at me! I only have foodstamps...Remember? I'm being chased by creditors."
John sat down; after all his head was spinning. Looking up, he thought he was hallucinating. He thought he saw the likeness of Simon standing in front of him...No, it couldn't be! John swiped the fringe out of his eyes; IT WAS...SIMON.
"Simon?! Where did you come from?"
Simon had a stone cold expression on his face.
"John, isn't it painfully obvious? Where have you been?"
John muttered half jokingly, "On drugs."
"John, I thought it was apparent...I've been stalking you for the last 20 years; the only reason I joined the band was to get into your pants."
John stared off blankly.
Simon was exasperated..."Hello?! Anybody home?"
"Not really," mocked John.
"JOHN! I'm STALKING YOU!! It was only natural that I tracked you down..."
This was too much for Andy to bear. He perked up and yelled, "Simon! Simon!"
"What you little piece of shit? We should have let you drown in Rio. If I could do it all over again, I would have not turned that boat around." Andy was pissed...
"Simon, you look terrible. I mean, you've always been greasy and had a huge nose and your voice is constantly off tune and you always sound like you're going through puberty, but really, right now takes the cake; you look absolutely terrible!"
Simon's eyes were so dark and clouded; this wasn't a joke anymore and Andy knew it.
"Look at me! Look at me!!! I've been crying my eyes out. I've realized I'll never be able to live up to John's standards."
** (Oh, is that so? That explains why you had throngs of groupies dress up in two-toned mullet wigs and blazers?")
*SCENE 7*
"Well, I guess we should call Nick. There's not much else we can do. Maybe he can figure out this mess..."
J: Nick, what time is it?
N: It's a hair past a freckle, silly.
J: Can you pick us up at the airport?
N: Sure, darling! Wait...um...first, before I leave, I have to wipe off some of this makeup. I'm sick and tired of being mistaken for a 10 cent hooker by foreign camera crews.
*SCENE 8*
There was a whirlwind - and then Nick appeared in his powder pink automobile. He loaded in the boys, but stopped dead in his tracks when he heard snickering. Nick wasn't in such a grand mood.
"Hey! Don't laugh at our car! Piss off!"
John felt odd; something was not right. He could sense it. Nick was acting strangely. His suit was rumpled and his tie was crooked. A small scratch was visible on his cheek. John's stomach turned when he heard a tiny yelp coming from the trunk.
J: Nick, what was that?
N: What, dear?
J: I heard something...I think there's something in your trunk.
N: What?? Are you out of your mind? What a wretched thought. You've very well gone mad. Of course there's nothing in my trunk, silly.
By now, Simon and Andy were cracking up.
"John, lay off the crack pipe for a few hours," mumbled Simon.
John heard it again; an eerily quiet voice.
"Nick, I am not leaving until we check your trunk."
Nick was uncharacteristically snappy; "Fine! We'll just leave you behind, you limey bastard!"
John was pissed.
"Pop the fucking trunk! NOW! I can't take this. I just don't feel right. I am pleading with you! PLEASE..."
N: Absolutely not! Piss off!
Andy was laughing uncontrollably; "Dear God, Nick, you sound like his mum!"
John could feel his face turning a bright crimson. His blood was boiling. He was having an out of body experience. He lost complete control and lunged at Nick, yanking the keys out of his hands.
N: John, what has gotten into you?! Don't open that trunk! DON'T! PLEASE DON'T!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
John popped the trunk and about had a full blown heart attack.
*SCENE 9*
John could not believe his eyes; it was Atlanta! Atlanta was in the trunk with a hairdryer cord tying her arms together. She had been bound and gagged. A pink silk tie was tied around her mouth; she could only let out small yelps.
J: Oh dear God, Atlanta, what has happened? Nick?! What have you done to my baby girl?! What is going on?
N: It's a long story. I've always regretted having a baby with Julie Ann. Really, I should have known better, but she was a dominant woman and I was REALLY drunk, so what can I say? I thought Tatjana would make my life complete and fill in a nagging void. Instead, she was my worst nightmare...she ate my lipstick, rubbed eyeshadow into my fine Egyptian carpet, tried to color on one of my most prized Andy Warhol silkscreens, threw up on my Dolce and Gabbana suit, the list goes on... Well, John, I have always envied your relationship with Atlanta. Atlanta was beautiful and well behaved, the perfect daughter. I wanted that girl. I wanted a fresh start. Whenever I was around Atlanta, we clicked. I wanted to be the doting dad for once. Obviously, you weren't going to give her up, so I decided to kidnap her for my own selfish reasons. When you called me and told me about Gela walking out on you and all of the drama between your and Simon's kinky sex acts, I felt like I could do a better job of raising Atlanta. I wanted her for myself. Since you were preoccupied with other things, I thought it would be the perfect time to kidnap her. When you called me you thought that I was at home in England. That was a sham; I was on my cell phone at a nearby hotel. I lead you on and told you to fly over to England with Andy so I could distract you and kidnap Atlanta. We flew back here and I didn't have time to take her out of the trunk. I had more important things to do, such as touching up my makeup.
J: You sick bastard! This is insane. I have always loved Atlanta and SHE IS MY DAUGHTER! YOU TWISTED FREAK! It's not my problem that Tatjana's gene pool was bad. You are just pissed because you helped create a mutant!.....kind of like yourself, you pudgy, raging queen!
Nick lost it; he was sensitive to insults, after all. He pulled out his umbrella and smacked John upside the head. John was out cold.
*SCENE 10*
Nick was freaking out. Atlanta was in the trunk, John was out cold and lying on the pavement, and Simon and Andy were bickering. He pulled out his cell phone and rang up the only civilized person in the whole band; Roger. Of course, Roger didn't answer the phone. He never did. There was an inside joke in the band that Roger was a mute. The answering machine clicked off.
Click.
A shy, reserved voice was on the other end.
N: Froggy, it's me. Some major shit just went down. What took you so damn long to answer the phone?
R: Gee, I was out feeding the pigs.
N: Rog, I swear, you are the ONLY sane person in this band...
R: Why in the hell do you think I left?
*SCENE 11*
John finally woke up. The car was full of bickering bandmates, but he seemed oblivious. He had a huge bump on his head from where Nick had hit him with the umbrella earlier; it made his mullet appear lopsided.
J: Nick, please pull over to that Walmart! I forgot to pack some stuff in my suitcase.
N: Like what, silly?
J: Oh, you know, some of the necessities such as a lighter to fire up my crack pipe, some womens' knickers, and new bunny slippers.
N: Alright, you poofty numbskull. But let's make this fast; I still have some unfinished business to take care of.
Nick parked his pretty pink car in the lot. He blushed uncontrollably when he was asked by a shopper if he got the car from selling makeup for Mary Kay. He shouted, "Of course not, silly! Dont you know WHO I AM?!!"
The shopper looked both amused and baffled. "Uhermyoure my Aunt Gertrude,right?"
*SCENE 12*
Simon,Nick, Andy, and John entered Walmart. They quickly scurried off into different directions. John hastily found his necessities and gathered up the other bandmates. As he approached the checkout counter, he began eyeing Nick. Somehow, Nick appeared as if he had gained a solid 20 pounds in ten minutes! There was only one explanation that he could think of. Nick, did you hit the in-store McDonalds? Youre looking a bit hefty. Nick was fucking furious. How dare you, Tiggy! I am NOT A FAT COW! I only subside on strawberries and champagne!
As they exited the store, a security device went off.
*BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP!*
John was the only one who had bought anything, so he was searched by security and sent through.
*Silence*
Andy and Simon were next and they also got through with no problem. The last to go was Nick. He was sweating profusely. His makeup was beginning to bead up and drip.
*BEEPBEEPBEEP!*
Security ordered Nick to open his coat. They were amazed at what they saw. He had gained 20 pounds from stuffing his coat with stolen cosmetics! As he was being drug away, Nick shouted at all the gawking shoppers, "All this eyeliner and lipstick is for my mum, I swear!"
*SCENE 13*
Andy, Simon, and John stood in the parking lot, looking completely dumbfounded. They had to come up with a plan. Simon was the quickest thinker; he remembered that he had an extra set of Nick's house keys. There was only one problem..how were they getting there? Nobody had a set of Nick's car keys.
Andy had an idea.
A: Hey, I know! I have a bottle opener. We can use Johns lighter to melt it into a point and pick the car lock with it!
S: Brilliant!
An hour later, they had the car unlocked. Andy wanted to drive. Simon was not too amused. Andy, youre drunk. Do you think I trust my life in your hands?!
