Twelve Year's
Old And Up_Part 2
This House Represents The House Of My Aunt And Uncles Of When I was Twelve
The Blue Fog Represents My Cousin Luceil Age 13 And My Cousin BettyAnn Age 7 Who Died In There Upstairs Bedroom From Smoke Inhalation, When There House Caught Fire
Part_2
A Nightmare That Haunted Me Every Night Until I was Seventeen
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Twelve Year's Old And Up_Part 2
Doctors said that it was possible that my Uncles friend, Also frightened me with words, So that I would be too afraid to tell my family of what happened to me. After what was done to me I felt different. Like there was something wrong with me. That I was not like any other girl my age
It made me confused of why I felt that way. I had a hard time to concentrate in school. I had a hard time to remember anything the teachers tried to teach me. It was like something was blocking my every thought
I was told as an adult that I tried to forget the things that were bad that happened to me. But instead of forgetting all the bad. I was forgetting all the things that I needed to remember. And the power of those traumas were taking over my every thought
I kept forgetting the things that I wanted and needed to remember. And I very suddenly had a great fear of death. In which when my cousins Luceil and Betty Ann died in the fire when their boiler blew up in the cellar. That made my fear of death even worst
My first love when I was almost seventeen. My thinking that I was a virgin. I found out that I wasn't. My first love Johnny, The brother of my best friend Barbara Comeau talked me into being with him
We were going steady. I wore his class ring. I had tape on it so it would not fall off my finger. He said if he didn't get it from me. He would have to go to another girl to get what he needed
I was afraid. But I loved him and didn't want to loose him. I couldn't stand the thought of him being with another girl in that way
I remember one of my fears was that maybe he would tell someone if I did let him take my virginity. I remember it didn't hurt. He said it was suppose to if I was a real virgin. He also told me that I was suppose to bleed. But I didn't
He said that he had been with virgins before. And that I was not a virgin. He accused me of lying to him. I remember crying. Telling him that I had never been with anyone in that way before
He said all the signs prove me to be lying. That was the second thing that I told doctors, that they say confirmed that I was raped as a child. And of what those night mares were about
I found out years later, In my late 20's that my uncles friend, The guy in my night mares from the age of twelve to seventeen, Had been put into a mental institution for raping children
Of which the doctors said confirmed it completely of my being one of my uncles friends victim. I also found out that he also raped my cousin Luceils brother of who I also played hide and seek
My uncles friend raped girls and boys. Doctors still wanted to hypnotise me. Because they think that it was not just one time that he raped me. They wanted to have an idea of how long and what age it started and ended. So they could better help me
I was to afraid to find out and remember it all. The doctors believed that when I had the night mares, That I relived the whole thing in my dreams. But the little girl in me wouldn't let me remember it all when I woke up
You have just read about another trauma in my life. You probably think that it's the worst. But it's not. To end this page, I would like to say, For you to know. God was with me and held my hand all the way. He helped me bear this cross I had to carry. Man gave me this cross not God. God helped me survive it
If it were not for God I would not be here today. If it were not for the love for and of God and the love for and of my Dad. I know that I would not just have a disability. I would either be completely insane
Or to be honest I would have taken my life a long time ago. Because my life was out of control. Because with out God and my Dad I would have had no strength, And would have had to let go
Some of you might say. Why did God let that happen to you. God made man. He can't stop when man chooses satan's path. God only gave love to me. He never hurt me. Man did. God helped me carry my crosses. He still does. He gave me miracles to make up for the crosses that I had to bear
I wish that you could feel the kind of over powering love that I get from him. There is no love that can compare. It's how I know for sure that he is always there
If you don't feel it now. You will feel this love that I feel someday too. If you only open up your heart, So God's love can run through you. If you just believe. You will have miracles too
By_Arlene R. Szynal
Copyright © October 20, 2000 All Rights Reserved
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