>~ Introduction To My Life ~

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My Life The Part You Might Not Like To See About Me. Or Be Able To Understand About Me

You Might Not Even Believe It About Me. My Life And The Other Part Of Me

"Introduction" To My Life

I'm afraid to trust. I'm afraid to believe. I want to love and be loved as I say in my poems.

But i'm afraid to open up my heart too much. I have been hurt so much through my whole life. In ways that people can't even imagine. That is why I have to write about my life in here. Hoping someday, someone, will understand and be able to love the whole me. Not just the out side. I'am not easy to love. Because of my disability. Men start to love me. But the little girl inside of me chases them away.

I don't mean to do or say some of the things that I do. Inside of me I'am more a little girl than I am an adult. And that part of me is always afraid. I never felt a mans true love. And at the age that I am. It's hard to even try to believe that I can ever fulfill any of my dreams. For God did not invent a love that strong for a man to be able to love the whole me. If he did. He didn't mean it for me.

I had to fight and try to hide fear all my life. I hid a lot of things from people since I was very small. Every time I thought that maybe things were going to be ok. Something else would happen to traumatize me in some way

And I would have to hide more hurt and pain. Not just from my family and other people. But I had to also hide it from myself. When I was 20 after the birth of my first daughter when she was 6 months old. I had a nervous breakdown. The hormone changes forced what I call an explosion in my head.

All that I had hid from the world and myself in my subconscious had to come out. There was no room for any more traumas to be hidden in my head. My marriage was bad nightmare. That is another story to some day tell. I wasn't even safe from him. Dr Jeckel and Mr. Hide that at first I was to blind with love to see

I was very thin and very sick and weak. The doctors told me that I had too many traumas for one person to bear in a life time. All that caused my disability. Came back to life into my memory and view when I was 20. To haunt me for the rest of my life.

My heart can love a man very deeply. Which when you read my story, You might find that hard to believe. But because of my disability. No man can love me back in the same way that I can love.

I have a brain that I can think. But I sometimes get very confused and afraid. I have two eyes that can see. But sometimes I can only see my waking night mares in front of me. I have two arms that can hug tight. But sometimes my arms can't feel, for I only feel the fright

I have two hands that can touch. But sometimes my hands go numb and shake, and i'm afraid to touch. I have two legs that can walk. But sometimes my legs feel like there frozen to the ground and I can't walk.

I have a voice that comes out in my poems. But sometimes when i'm away from home, and something reminds me of the waking nightmares of my past. I can only say please take me home so I can make what is in my head go away fast

I have two ears, but I sometimes can't hear what anyone says to me. For everything echoes like they are far away from me. And the only thing that I can hear are the screams and cries for help from my past. When who could hear me then, that could have helped me that day. But instead they all just ran a way.

For I was nothing to them you see. So they didn't care what was happening to me. The day of my worst trauma. That took the rest of my life away from me. One of the reasons that hurt me in my head the most. One of the reasons that caused my disability that makes me so afraid to get to close. To any man by chance I might love most. My disability took away the future of a normal life for me.

I have to put all of my life in parts. For this all is very hard for me. For I am letting the whole world see. For different reasons. And one of them is for me. As I said on the main page when i'm finished. So much pressure will be lifted from me.

God is helping me with this. With out him I could never do this. He carried me through my life. In my story you will see. Of the times I was not sure that he was there for me. But he was really always standing by me.

In my heart I feel that I'am here to tell people with my life story. For people who doubt Gods existence. To not be afraid of him. And to not doubt him. For he exist. He lives. My existence is proof. The over powering love that I have for mankind. And the forgiveness I have for all people that have hurt me is proof.

The miracles that I will tell about that he gave me is proof. The words that are in a lot of my poems. I do not take full credit for. For when I put myself in a dream state of mind. God is there with me. He helps me with finding the words for my poems

So if there is a poem of mine that you read. That you not only can see. But you can feel. What you are feeling is the love that I have for you. The love that God gave me to give to you. So you are not just feeling me. You are feeling him.

God does not expect us to be perfect. He understands sometimes we have anger and doubt sometimes about him. I had anger. I had doubt. It took me a while to realize that it was not him that caused my pain.

He made men, women and children. He gave us all a mind to chose the path we take, Whether it be right or wrong. We all have been tempted by the devil. And we all at least one time in our lives have given in to him. God did not stop loving us, Not even then. He was hurt when we made the wrong choices in our lives. But he never stopped loving us. He never left our side.

Please believe me. Some of our suffering can be of our own doing. And some are from another man or womans hands. It is not Gods hands that hurt us. I hope and pray that you get all that I mean and say in here with my words. And on my pages of poems.

My heart and mind are open in here and in my real life to my thoughts and beliefs. I'am not preaching. I'am not God. I'am not perfect. I'am not an angel. Even though I wish to be someday. I'am human just like you. I've had good in my past. But I had more bad. I'm not alone with some of the horors of the past.

There are others in the world like me. Some even have had a worst life then me. They are just afraid to let the world see. I'am also doing this for them. Not just for me. My question to you is. Can you see. Can you feel. Can you believe of all I say. See. And believe ?

If you don't, I will understand. I will not turn away from you. Or stop wanting to hold your hand. I will still love you. Even if you don't or can't love or believe in me. For that is the kind of person I am. And I will always be

No matter if you think i'm a little crazy. For if you think from real deep down inside. A little crazy we all sometimes can be, and sometimes try to hide, So that no one can see.
By_Arlene R.Szynal
Copyright � July 28, 2000 All Rights Reserved

The lady in the plate and the rose bar_By my friend John _A friend with a fantastic page_Whose love for his wife my friend Vickie_And hers for him_Is a love that most people go through their whole life to only get to dream about. They don't have a webpage any more to click into. I wish it were still online to click into. The poem that John made for his wife was the one thing on this page that made me smile

If You Would Like To Leave Me A Message PLease Click In Below So That You Can E-mail Me Your Words To Me.I Welcome Your Comments And I Thank You For Reading My Poems.

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