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Christmas Holiday Tear's
Part Two
What I Kept From My Friend's And Family For Year's

I lived with guilt for a very long time. You see. Inside my head. I was afraid to face my friend Barbara's family. I felt responsible for my friends death. I was afraid that her family would see it in the way that I saw it in my head

If I called them or went to the wake and funeral. It all came out in therapy after my nervous breakdown. When my daughter Barbara was six months old. I was twenty years old

You see a couple of years before, Barbara's family asked me to live with them and share a room with Barbara. They said because they worked the night shift, They were afraid for Barbara to be alone. They said they would feel more secure if they knew that I was with her to help keep her safe

Through therapy came out of how I felt guilty for her death. And felt that her family would not really want to see me. For they might feel the same way that I did about me. I felt if I was there with her. That if I lived with them. That I might have been able to save her

With there being two of us there when her cousin broke into the house. The doctors told me. That they doubt that I would have been able to save her. That more then likely there would have been two deaths that day. And one of them would have been me.

I still ask myself over and over again. Could I have saved her. Could I have made a difference so the death would not have been her. So that if a death had to be that it would have been me. That's how much I loved her then

That is how much I still love her now. I wrote a letter to her family after my breakdown. To apologise for not being there when they might have needed me. I wrote of the reasons that I was afraid to face reality.

The doctors told me not to hold onto the guilt. That her death was not my fault. They also said to not let it get to me. If I never got a return letter from Barbara's family. Because they said that their pain might be to strong for them to understand and forgive me. For not calling them. Or going to the wake and funeral. I never got a return letter back. I didn't think that I really would

"BARBARA"
If you can see and hear me from heaven above now, I hope and pray that you have forgiven me. For not being there for your family when they might have needed me. I know that God will make you feel and know of my love, From where you are in the heavens above

A love and memory's that I will have of and for you, For eternity. I love You Barbara. And I miss you so much, Especially this time of year that your not being here with me, Hurts very much.

"My Worst Trauma"
The worst trauma to be written in a short version here, Also happened this time of year. It will be in a longer version after Christmas. Very few words will be here. Blunt words in a sentence will give you the just of it. But not the how of it

For it will be to much for me mentally to write here. It is this trauma that affected me worst of all. It caused me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because I remember every thing in detail

I was stalked, Captured in a way that might be hard to understand, Raped continuely many times in 24 hours. I escaped three times, But was caught every time. One of the times caught he tried to kill me by choking me to death

But God made me pass out before my death came to be a reality for me. People could have helped or saved me. But their fear made them afraid to help me.

There was a women who lived in a house who could have called the police or let me in her house when I was screaming knocking on her door. But she just shut her outside lights off. Out side her house is where my death almost came to be for me. He dragged me back to the car

The other people who could have helped me. About 15 cars. I don't know how many people were in each one of them. That is all that I know for sure is that they all heard me screaming for help, When I was able to kick the door open far enough of the car that I was in for all to see and hear me and my cry and screams for help. Of him raping me. Of him going to kill me.

All put their lights on in their cars. And drove away. It took me years to realize it was because they were afraid for their life too. I have forgiven all who could have helped me that day. Even for what ever reason they had for not calling the police to help me

I have forgiven them even though it still hurts. I can't write any more about this today. I just wanted you all to understand why at this time of year that I sometimes seem to hide away

"Loneliness"
One more thing, Of which I know of many people that feel this way. Loneliness for wanting a true love in your life, That can be with you on Christmas day. Can be almost an unbearable feeling on a Holiday like Christmas Day. I bear those hurtful feelings like you every Holiday. I've beared them for over 30 years.

Even when I had an almost 9 year relationship with my younger daughters father. He never spent any Holiday with me. He spent them with his ex wife and family. I wasn't important enough to him to spend a Holiday with me. I was to blinded with my love for him to see that he was using me. That he didn't really love me.

I had a lot of people around me. But that still didn't stop me from feeling lonely on the Holidays. Our relationship ended when I had his child growing inside me And I realised that he didn't really love me. He said that if I didn't get an abortion, That he would never see me again

My Angel child, That is what I still call her today. I gave birth to her. I couldn't be with a man that would want to destroy a child in me that is a part of me and the love that I had for him

"You And I"

No matter how hard and how lonely you feel on a Holiday. Please always remember this that I say, And that I feel. We are lucky. We are alive. We may feel sad and hurt in a lot of way's. But we still have time for our dreams to come true. With this gift f life that God has given me and you.

There are people who were not lucky to live long enough to see this day. You are not alone. There are so many of us who hurt in some way. It's ok to cry, When you are feeling bad inside. It doesn't matter if your a woman or a man

God gave us all tears to release all the pressure and sadness inside. Please don't ever hold you tears inside. When you feel a need to cry because you hurt in some way inside

I use to hold my sadness and tears inside. I was told by doctors that is what led me to a nervous breakdown. Because I didn't release the pressure by letting the tears out, That God gave man and woman to push out some of the pain from the trauma's in their life

As it is for women, It is for men. God would not have given us tears, If we were never meant to cry, When we are hurting inside. To the men who read this. You are more of a man if you are not afraid to cry. Even if it's behind a closed door that you have to cry. Let the tears flow so that you may feel better inside

Let's celebrate life on Christmas day. Lets celebrate life everyday. Lets celebrate Jesus birthday. For if it were not for him, We would not be alive in any way

Be happy that you still have time to dream. Be happy that you still live, as I will be happy for, Especially on Christmas day. I need you to be happy. I need you live. I need you to forgive all that have hurt you as I have forgiven.

I need you to feel loved and not alone on Christmas day. I need you to feel loved everyday. I don't have to know you to love you. People that know the real me, Know that to be true. For I love you as sure as I know that God has mad me and you. For as God loves me. He also loves you too.
Merry Christmas

May you always know that as God loves you
"I LOVE YOU TOO"

By_Arlene R. Szynal

Copyright © December 13, 2000 All Rights Reserved

"Mom And Barbara Comeau"
I miss you so much, I love you and think of you always, I think that in heaven that you know how very much.

Life hasen't been so easy for me. Sometimes it is so unkind. As you both know how that is true. It makes my life even harder, Because I have to live my life with out you.

Someday we will be together, Of that I know is true. But until then know always, That you will be in my memories, In my heart, Where I will always love and be close to you

Midi Playing_Butterfly Kisses

The Picture Of The Little Girl On Santa's Lap Is Between Six and Seven Years Old. She Is The Little Girl That I Once Lost. And Finally Found Again Through Doctor's Help. My Mom Made The Hat, Coat, Mittens & Leggings. She Also Made The Little Girl

"The Little Girl Is Me"

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