An Update
September 11, 2000
My Daughter
An Update, September 11, 2000
I have two other children. And one needs to know the whole me more then the other. Because for some reason she has felt more anger and hurt from my disability. And she doesn't realize that she is the one that got the most from me.
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Because my disability was not at a peak where it completely controlled where I could go. Or what I could do. And she is the only one of my children that had her father in her life.
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She holds a lot of anger inside. And I see it. And I feel it when she lashes out at me with loud hurtful words sometimes. I tried in so many ways to get her to feel my love for her. But her anger gets in the way.
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I know that she feels that I don't love her like my other children. I love all my children the same way. But her anger keeps her from feeling it. And I know that she needs to feel my love the most.
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But I know that I have to approach her in a different way to help her to know and feel my love . I have to put it all in writing. I will never be able to get her to read it in here.
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And I know that I can never get her to sit and listen to me tell her about the whole me. For my disability and the way that I am is an embarrassment to her. I see it. I feel it. And she has told me it.
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My birthday and all holidays. She gives me beautiful cards and gifts. She has never missed one. I know that she loves me and needs me. But some how, For some reason, she can't reach out to me.
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I hope and pray that the way that I will approach her will help her know and feel my love. I'm going to have everything written in an envelope of what I need her to know. And also a letter to her of all the things that I feel that has caused her anger.
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An apology letter for my not being able to see of the times she most needed me. Like when helping children of the state. I didn't know that it bothered her. That she needed the attention and time that I gave them. She held it in. And never told me until she was an adult in anger.
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I tried to let her know that if I knew at the time that helping children of the state for some reason was hurting her. That I would have given it up. But her anger was to strong to hear me.
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I also have a niece that I love as if she were my own child. She is older then my daughter. Twelve years younger then I. She lived in the house that I grew up in with out her mother, My older sister.
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I was very close to her. I treated her like she was my child. I promised her that I would never leave her. Like her mother did. When I got married I only agreed to mary my husband If I could take my niece with me.
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He said yes. But he said that he wanted time for us to be alone at first. But when we got married he kept having excuses for my not being able to take her yet. So I took her every weekend . Every Holiday.
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He broke a promise to me. And acted resentful of me taking my niece every weekend. I was not going to desert my niece that I felt love for as my own child. It turned out that he was jealous of the attention I gave my niece
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When I got a divorce I took my niece with me. As I promised her I would 3 1/2 years before. She had anger at me for not being able to take her when I first got married. She had anger for her real mother never being in her life.
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So she was hard to get to feel my love, She took all the anger out on me.The doctors told me that my niece needed me to be kind of a punching bag mentally. Not for the anger of me. But for the anger of her real mother's rejection, refusing to be in her life
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And that took time away from my first born daughter. For my older daughter didn't understand why my niece took some time that my daughter felt should have been all hers. It took me years to figure that out.
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That my older daughter was hurting in a bad way because of my love and being there for my niece. My niece shows me in many ways that she is thankful that I was there for her as a child now. As the doctors told me that she would
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I gave my older child a lot of love and attention. She went with her father on week ends. But she doesn't remember the things that I did do for her. She only remembers the things that I wasn't able to do for her.
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I'm going to tell her that I'm sorry in a letter. And ask for her forgiveness for not being able to see of the things that I did that botherd her. That hurt her. I wish that I could turn back the clock and be the mother that she needed me to be. I thought that I was.
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But I guess my ex mother inlaw did a good brain washing job on my daughter when she had her for the weekends. I found out years later why my daughter woke up every night with night mares crying and not wanting me near her. When she was only 4 years old. Like she was angry at me.
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My ex mother in law kept telling my daughter that I was a bad mother. And that I was going to leave her some day. She also took her to open casket wakes of her friends that died. I also found out that on the weekends it was my ex mother inlaw my daughter was with. Not her father.
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I took him to court and had the week end visiting rights taken away from him. So that it would guaranty that my daughter would be with her father not the mother inlaw.
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I told my ex husband that if that ever happened again. He would only visit her under my supervision. The judge agreed with me. And yelled at my exhusband for not being a responsible father to protect our daughter from mental harm from his mother.
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I just hope and pray that what I'm going to do will help me get back the beautiful loving child that I use to have in her. And that she will understand and be able to feel my love enough to forgive me.
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I want and need so bad to free her of her anger and pain. And to also get her to see and understand my disability. I want her heart to be healed of any anger for me, And to know and remember that I love her with all my heart. I always have, And always will for eternity.
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Before God takes me to his home. I want, and need so bad for my older daughter to feel and know my love for her. And I need to know that she can, And will someday forgive me
Poem By_Arlene R. Szynal
Copyright © September 10, 2000 All Rights Reserved
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Nevr2lb's Bars/Lines/Divider Gifs_My Gray Bars
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