A European MINIATURE WOODEN = COFFIN=20 Complete with a Corpse that just WON'T give up! =

Mrs. Jensen was brought in ONLY as a = consultant=85.she is NOT=20 a part of the auction! Now I realize that some sellers = photograph a table with a couple dozen items on it, = and then=20 tell you in the description that you are bidding on = the rare=20 Fenton Vase next to the green Beanie Baby and directly = behind=20 the dirty diaper their cat is sitting on, and you = THINK you=20 are getting the whole collection=85..but I believe my = auction is=20 fairly clear and that she was only a PROP! (Something = tells me=20 that people that ask questions like this are also the = ones=20 that order those expensive Bowflex machines thinking = they come=20 with the hunky stud as a personal trainer too!)=20

I guess I should have never agreed to the free = shipping=20 (nor the upgrade to priority at $150) because now the = true=20 cheapskates from outside the US borders are whining = that it=20 isn't fair to them! OK=85.you do have a point=85..so I = will cave=20 in to your pleas and offer FREE AIR POST shipping also = should=20 the ultimate winner be what we call "those wonderful=20 international buyers" (and save the extra email=85..I = know that=20 you will want the customs form to be marked GIFT or = reported=20 at only $17=85..I kinda figure that at this point, Old = Willy is=20 only worth about $20 tops anyway and the rest of the = value is=20 in the entertainment you all are getting from making = me NUTS!)=20

And when I offered to include a FRESH condom for = the people=20 that wanna make sure Willy is "safe" to be around and = NOW want=20 to know if it will be one that is RIBBED or = FLAVORED=85=85just be=20 happy if you get one that isn't out-of-date=85.and it = will be a=20 color of MY choice=85.not yours! (the lady that would = only bid=20 if she gets one in GREEN because she is into alien = fantasies=20 has been blocked from bidding!) I did check my = personal supply=20 and found that I have only ONE flavored rubber left = and since=20 it in the ultra rare "KISS OF MINT" flavor and has an=20 expiration date of 1994=85=85that says it is from the = 1980s=20 originally and obviously one of the FIRST flavored=20 prophylactics produced by the Ansell Company of = Dothan,=20 Alabama=85.and therefore it is a RARE VINTAGE MODEL = that=20 deserves its OWN auction!=20

Somebody actually wrote and asked me to MEASURE the = corpse=20 under the auspices of wanting to "knit him a little = outfit to=20 wear so he doesn't embarrass their mother when she=20 visits"=85.yeh right! But just to satisfy your = curiosity I will=20 offer the following: Willy is right at 4" tall and the = OTHER=20 measurement you were interested in is 1-1/8" which = means (if=20 that Quantitative Analysis course I took in college = taught me=20 how to interpolate properly) that in scale he would be = the=20 equivalent of something that would make John Holmes or = Jeff=20 Stryker blush in the shower!=20

Now on to Tim's question about whether or not Willy = has=20 testicles=85..tell ya what=85..if little gonads are = what is gonna=20 get YOU to make a bid, I will find some ball bearings = laying=20 around in my junk drawer and include them for = you=85.cause any=20 guy that would even THINK about asking that question = obviously=20 has stainless steel ones of his own! (how DO these = people find=20 eBay???)=20

The email with the story from the depressed woman = mourning=20 the passing of her long-term lover Biff and wanting = the Mint=20 Flavored Condom (seems mint was their favorite flavor = for=20 their food fetish funtime) so she could just once more = "experience the memories of her studmuffin" had me=20 going=85.right up until she told me she had convinced = the=20 undertaker to allow her to remove poor old Biff's = manhood so=20 she could keep it in a jar beside the bed the rest of = her days=20 as some type of memorial to his abilities in the sack. = While=20 you told me MORE things in that email than I ever, = ever, EVER=20 wanted to know about the people that I must give out = my=20 address to in order to get payments from=85..I have = granted your=20 wish, and the Vintage Mint Rubber is now listed and = available=20 for your reminiscing! (see auction # 3262243757) Knock = yourself out sweetie and BID HIGH & BID OFTEN! = Just give=20 me enough time to rent a PO Box so I don't have to = tell you=20 where I live!=20

For Jeff from the great frozen north that is = interested in=20 whether I can provide information to him about United = States=20 Citizenship because he claims that if a fellow-Canuck = wins=20 this auction he is immediately moving south across the = border=20 to escape having to admit that HE is from anyplace = that would=20 have people crazed enough to buy it! Well, = Jeff=85.what gives=20 you the idea that I am the online branch office of the = INS=20 Answer Center??? This is eBay ya ditzoid Moose-hugger! = We try=20 to SELL things here! NOT act as the 21st Century = version of=20 the Underground Railroad for people interested in = escaping=20 strange neighbors. And before you make any rash = decisions=20 about how the good old USA has to be as a place where = you can=20 get away from humans that do inexplicable = things=85..you MIGHT=20 wanna take a short vacation to Washington DC and see = our=20 government in action first! We TOO have our share of = people=20 that shouldn't be walking around loose (or bidding on=20 eBay!)=85but we tend to ELECT them and try to keep = them rounded=20 up in the same place! In my experience, I have found = that most=20 Canadians seem to have their heads screwed on pretty=20 straight=85.well at least until you try to explain = shipping=20 costs & customs forms to them.=20

Just to PROVE that there ARE buyers out there that = ONLY=20 read the title and look at the pictures=85.one = gentleman wrote=20 last evening inquiring why he didn't see the SURFER = WAGON in=20 the auction and wonders if I could tell him how many = miles are=20 on it & post a picture. You are batting a thousand = Mr.=20 Brain Trust! A vintage Ford Woody indeed would be an=20 exceptional bargain at $164 and make you "THE" dude at = the=20 beach! The auction is for a coffin with a corpse WITH = a=20 woody=85.ya = know=85.ERECTION?=85.BONER?=85.HARD-ON?=85.STIFFY?=85.not an=20 old Nomad with wood panels! Perhaps you should have = gone for=20 the x-rays after that last "narly wave, like, did you = in,=20 dude" cause something tells me that the surfboard = smacked you=20 in the head a LOT harder than you think! And before = you decide=20 to bid, OoH MAAH GAAWD PUHAAALEEEZE have your Valley = Girl=20 explain the concept of "if you WIN, you gotta PAY!" If = the=20 last functioning brain cell can grasp that = idea=85.then=20 Cowabunga dude! Bid like you are getting an free trip = to the=20 North Shore of the BIG island with old Willy as a = bonus!=20

(yes there IS more, but I just have to knock back = another=20 double of Crown Royal before going further=85.it is = the ONLY way=20 to deal with the next two!)=20

For the couple that are "into" a rather interesting = lifestyle and want to use the coffin and corpse as a = playset=20 for their child but wanted to know how many = undertakers they=20 should buy to go with it=85..have I got a deal for = you! Win the=20 auction and I will dig out the Michael Jackson "Beat = It" doll,=20 the gay Ken doll, a one-armed GI Joe, a Furby that = talks=20 dirty, AND my spare Mrs. Jensen doll and list them for = sale so=20 you may complete your funeral procession. As far as = the 6th=20 pallbearer, might I suggest the Tattoo Ken doll that = is=20 already listed? (this is where people are supposed to = smack=20 themselves in the forehead & say "I need to look = at this=20 guys OTHER auctions too!") Heck=85.if you are willing = to go for=20 the BIG bucks and get up into the four-digit range, I = might be=20 talked into including my Caddy hearse = garage-sale-mobile as a=20 shipping box and you will have the little munchkin = covered=20 right up thru them getting old enough to drive! (on a = side=20 note however; I think you are beginning to take the=20 live-action Vampire game just a notch TOO seriously! = Being=20 "in-character" while doing eBay is usually an = indication of=20 losing your grip on reality=85.be careful=85wearing = the cape &=20 teeth to your job at the Burger King Drive-thru = doesn't go=20 over well except on Halloween; and.playing "dress up" = after=20 age 25 just isn't something you are gonna be proud of = listing=20 as a major accomplishment in your 10 year high school = reunion=20 book=85.but the "iwant2behermanmunsterwhenIgrowup" = bidding ID=20 was kind of cute! )=20

And for the FIVE STAR, "it had to happen = eventually", loose=20 cannon of the day email=85it came from = Beth=85.allegedly an=20 attorney whose ambulance chasing commercials = apparently aren't=20 bringing in enough for her to do or is simply a very = bored=20 woman who has run out of bon-bons to inhale while = waiting for=20 Jerry Springer to find HER trailer park and be = discovered as=20 the NEXT Anna Nicole; so she is busy scrutinizing = every single=20 word in seller descriptions looking for things to = whine about.=20 (feel free to insert rolling eyes OR a Bronx cheer = here=85.I=20 used BOTH when I read the email the first time) Only a = frustrated, wanna-be barrister could write things = like:=20

"I reviewed your auction for the coffin with the = wooden=20 corpse and am concerned about the fact that the photos = show a=20 curious angle on the dangle of the male appendage .My=20 experience; be it somewhat limited; says that normally = the=20 male organ is much more erect and pointing skyward. = Therefore,=20 I must ask if Willy's stiffy spring is sprung; and if = so;=20 while it is something that occurs naturally in males = as they=20 grow older; it would appear that you are selling an = item with=20 an 'age defect' and not disclosing it in the auction=20 description under condition of said item. Perhaps you = are not=20 aware of eBay's rule #7301-22, sub-section 38, = paragraph 4 in=20 which the 14th sentence specifically states that = buyers should=20 rely on the description & photos as to what we are = bidding=20 on. You are evidently not telling the whole story and = your=20 bidders are not being fully informed."=20

Well Miss Watched-One-Too-Many-Judge-Judy-Reruns=20 "Attorney"=85..perhaps you making some rash judgements = and not=20 operating with enough research under your skirt! Old = Willy's=20 dangle angle is just fine and even IF there is some = "age=20 defect" involved; it appears from the STIFFNESS of the = aforementioned member, that said defect has been = corrected via=20 a previous owner's use of prescription medication such = as=20 Viagra. (see I took a couple of law courses in college = and can=20 use them fancy words and terms too! I even know what = "et al"=20 means!) I would suggest that you hit a singles bar = tonight=20 (preferable a very dark one for best results in your = case) and=20 do some actual VISUAL research as to your claim of the = "normal" dangle of the angle of the typical male. = Willing to=20 bet that if you can get enough drunk frat boys into a = "show me=20 yours and I'll show you mine" contest, that you will = discover=20 that there is quite a RANGE amongst even the younger = males on=20 the planet. Some will point up; some will point down; = some=20 will have a left turn; some will bend to the right; = and you=20 could even find a few that just plain STICK STRAIGHT = OUT! In=20 any case, I always stand behind my descriptions and am = confident enough in my photographic talents, that = bidders are=20 being given everything they need to be able to make = their=20 decisions. Unless you are actually interested in = PLACING a=20 bid, you are cordially invited to go back to your MAIN = life's=20 work of memorizing the eBay rule book. When you = accomplish=20 that, maybe they will give you a job explaining it to = THEM,=20 because getting 3 customer service reps to AGREE on = just about=20 ANY rule they have is the Holy Grail of most sellers!=20

While I heard "You've got mail!" less this morning; = there=20 ARE questions that did come in for me to address. In = no=20 particular order, the answers for you strange people = are:=20

For Julia that would like to know if Willy is = "removable"=20 because she has a two-fold need to win this auction = and only=20 wants to bid if she fulfill BOTH desires. Seems that = her=20 husband comes up a little short in the package = department (her=20 exact words were: "he has a really teensy-weensy = little=20 weenie") and is thinking that THIS could be an = improvement to=20 her sex life. Well, Julia, dear. Something just tells = me that=20 if you read the measurements listed somewhere ^^up = there^^ and=20 you think that 1-1/8" is an "improvement" over your = present=20 circumstances=85.then by all means YES you should be = able to pry=20 Willy loose from the coffin for personal pleasure. = While I=20 wouldn't recommend it due to the potential for = infection or=20 injury to sensitive tissue; what you do with old Willy = is=20 entirely up to you after paying for him! (somebody = that deals=20 in hot tubs needs to get over to THIS lady's house = quick! Let=20 her sit down on top of one of those bubble jets for 15 = seconds=20 and you got the easiest sale you will ever make!) Now = as far=20 as your wanting to use the remaining, now empty, = wooden coffin=20 to bury your dearly departed boa constrictor (hubby's = got a=20 "teensy-weensy weeny".....any GUESS at what the snake = died=20 from?) in a proper manner=85..I think it would be MORE = than=20 sufficient for that use. Since the coffin is only 5" = long and=20 your late reptile is over 48" long; you would have to = get=20 hubby to fire up the BBQ and cremate your friend = first=85.but=20 the ashes should fit quite nicely! (and if the price = on THIS=20 auction is too steep, the Ex-Husbands Urn is still = available=20 for only $3.99 too!) In any case, allow me to extend = my=20 sincerest condolences at the loss of your buddy. (you = probably=20 could use some sympathy over that other thing too!)=20

For the joker that was probably drooling all over = his=20 keyboard while typing his email to me, because he = thought it=20 would be just freakin' hilarious to ask "Since it is = an=20 auction for a COFFIN=85.do you offer a LAY-AWAY plan?" = (trust me=20 buddy=85.ya don't wanna quit your day job, cause = Comedy Central=20 isn't ready for you quite yet! Bet you peed in your = pants when=20 you hit the "send" button with that one didn't ya?) = Now; just=20 in case you are serious and not just clogging my = in-box with=20 the OLDEST undertaker joke on the planet; while I = would LIKE=20 to be able to offer a lay-away plan with Willy, I = simply=20 cannot at this time as the cupboards are getting bare = and the=20 furbuddies have started to lick my toes on a regular=20 basis=85.usually a sign that if I don=92t get them = some food IN=20 the house soon, that my appendages may start becoming = snacks=20 for them! (and since I tend to eBay in the = nude=85.there is ONE=20 specific appendage I would prefer the doggies NOT use = as a=20 chew toy!) So if you would like to bid on this = auction, it is=20 with the understanding that you MUST pay for it IN = FULL within=20 10 days should you be the winner=85.. but there are = MUCH better=20 odds that you have already been tacked onto the = blocked bidder=20 list. You got your laugh for the day=85..now go back = to the=20 embalming room and get busy!=20

A nice lady by the name of Marie, wrote saying that = she=20 would love to add this to her collection of wooden = sculptures=20 that she has accumulated over the years in her = travels, but is=20 concerned over whether there might be a "HOT MAMA IN A = COFFIN"=20 companion piece? (why am I visualizing a 4" tall = corpse with=20 GIANT bouncing boobies on little springs???) Well, = there just=20 might be for all I know. If this one is worth $175 (at = this=20 point) just imagine what THE SET would be worth if you = found=20 her! But alas, I neither have that one nor have any = clue where=20 you might find one=85=85UNLESS=85..maybe you could = take a vacation=20 (probable NEED one too) to the Netherlands=85.it IS a = very=20 beautiful and historical country and the Dutch are = wonderful=20 people=85..and you could find that same flea market = where Willy=20 popped up (yep.=85pun INTENDED!) and possibly find his = long lost=20 mate to complete the rare set! Take in the museums, = see the=20 sights, relax a little, possibly even visit one of = their=20 infamous "Coffee" Shops too. (something tells me that = it=20 wouldn't be the FIRST time either!) So while I am = unable to=20 positively confirm that there is a female version of = this=20 somewhere in the world, do you dare chance passing = this one by=20 in case it ever DOES surface? Art is an investment = after all=20 and as with ALL investments, there is always a certain = degree=20 of risk you must shoulder. (watch....this is where I = will get=20 a bid out of her!) By the way; thank you so much for = the=20 picture of your cute little puppy. Schultz seems like = he is=20 very happy and obviously has a mommy that puts him on=20 pedestal! Give him a tummy-rub from the old packyrat = would=20 ya=85.bet he would like one! (seller note #118: Always = suck up=20 in emails to pet people=85.they are brain dead when it = comes to=20 spending money!)=20

(hang in there=85.just TWO more!)=20

Remember the female legal expert from yesterday? = Well now=20 she has decided that she needs one other question = answered=20 before using that latest retainer fee on my auction. = In=20 typical lawyer-speak she writes: "In reviewing your = auction=20 again, I noticed that you do not tell whether; in = repose; the=20 corpse dresses to the left or to the right. Would you = please=20 check that detail and respond to my query at your = earliest=20 convenience so I may evaluate if the offering merits = my=20 further consideration?" Unfortunately Beth; this = question must=20 remain a mystery along side the one about whether the = little=20 light actually DOES go off when you close the = refrigerator=20 door! I can't really find a way to check which side = old=20 Willy's wanker waves to when you close the lid on the=20 coffin=85.I am not even sure WHY it would = matter=85..except to=20 someone that is so anal-retentive and making more = money with=20 "briefs" in a day than Inspector #12 over at the=20 Fruit-of-the-Loom plant does in a week! The ONLY = reason you=20 aren't being slipped onto the block bidder list right = now, is=20 that if you ARE indeed an attorney, I would like to = leave open=20 the chance of getting into those deep pockets! Tell ya = what=85.go ahead and bid and if what you get isn't up = to your=20 standards ("an attorney with standards"=85now THERE is = an=20 oxymoron!) and since we live in the same state; I am = sure that=20 you will find some devious way to make my life a = nightmare via=20 the court system=85..at least until you figure out = that the Law=20 School at FSU carries the name of one of my old = antique store=20 customers and figure he would welcome the opportunity = to butt=20 heads with you over a corpse with a woody. He hasn't = had a=20 whole lot of "interesting" cases since he beat the = tobacco=20 companies for a gazzillion dollars! Oh yeh=85Fred = would LOVE=20 this one=85..Go ahead=85.BID!=20

Now I did hear from one very enterprising eBay = seller with=20 the foresight to recognize a good fad when he sees = one! He=20 thought it might be a great idea to take more pictures = and=20 collect detailed measurements to be able to duplicate = old=20 Willy and his final resting container and toss them = out one at=20 a time every week or so=85.at least until they go they = way of=20 the Beanie Baby, Pez dispensers, and the Furby and = join that=20 "What the crap WERE we thinking when we paid that much = for=20 this?" eBay legends! Fantastic premise; but being a = seller=20 that prides himself with my honesty and the reputation = that I=20 have worked SO HARD to build up (Neil in Canada & = Mikey in=20 Chicago can stop laughing=85.and somebody pick Marjie = up off the=20 floor and put her back in her wheel chair!) well, I = could=20 NEVER offer something that I know is but a cheap = reproduction=20 of the original to my customers. And since THIS is the = ONLY=20 auction on eBay right now for a Woody Coffin, it just = MUST be=20 as rare and desirable as those goofy Moose bean = things=85.and=20 this is far below what THEY have brought this = Christmas=20 season. So, thank you for you kind offer to be my = silent=20 partner & provide venture capital for supplies and = equipment, but I must pass in the interest of keeping = Old=20 Willy a one of a kind. (note for bidders: that is what = that=20 "OOAK" thing is you see in some auction titles=85I = just didn't=20 have enough room to use it and was too cheap to = pony-up the=20 extra 50 cents eBay wants for that "second line" title = scam=20 they came out with a few weeks back.) But keep on = thinking of=20 new ways to expand your eBay business, buddy=85.you'll = hit a HOT=20 one yet!=20

OK=85.one MORE email just came in that I really = should=20 address. No name, no clue to gender, no offer of = keeping me in=20 chocolate and money, no suggestive comments, not even = a=20 promise to make my eyeballs sweat while taking me to = an=20 ecstasy never before experienced=85.just a simple one = line=20 question=85=85.=20

"Are you single?"=20

Sheesh=85now ya went made me blush! Bear with me as = I attempt=20 an explanation for you. Technically=85.yes, I am. This = will be=20 my third Christmas celebrating with just me and the = furbuddies=20 here tomorrow morning. THEY are looking forward to it = and have=20 a bunch of gifts from their "Aunt Mary" to chew open,=20 but=85.sigh=85..I will have no human companion to wake = up to with=20 a bow tied somewhere and asking if I would like to = "unwrap=20 THIS first?" Now there IS an "ex" that has never quite = grasped=20 the FULL idea of the term and fully expect to see them = sometime over the next 48 hours=85.after10+ years of = sharing our=20 lives, and breaking up solely due to medical necessity = 2 years=20 ago=85.well, ya just kind of still have an attachment = that=20 really means something, and neither of us have truly = sought=20 out a new partner. I hate being single and = occasionally the=20 loneliness gets to me; but I am also just old enough = and set=20 in my ways enough that I am not what you would call "a = good=20 catch"; and looking like Danny DeVito with better hair = doesn't=20 help any either=85..to say nothing of the fact that I = live in a=20 house that is packed to the rafters with STUFF for = eBay! That=20 said, I AM open to the possibility and the ex would = even give=20 you a good reference if I asked him to; but there = needs to be=20 a little more romance & intrigue than just "are = you=20 single" to tweek my interest. (think roses, wine, a = Mercedes,=20 or offering to teach me better computer skills than I = have at=20 this point! Willingness to do yardwork, empty litter = boxes,=20 and clean the pool will add to your score too! OH! A = rainbow=20 flag on the back of your car is required also.) Now = that you=20 have made ME smile, either write again and tell me = that you=20 are Tom Cruise and willing to take a chance pursuing = something=20 or go bid on some of these auctions I have running!=20