More Thoughts
And more

Okay, I've decided to go ahead and write some of the things I have written down in my book. I just write things that I hear as I go along. So, I'm going to just copy it down here.

Roosters

Roosters like to show off. They are flamboyant, colourful people with outgoing personalities and a friendly way about them. They are good communicators and enthusiastic. They like to be indepdent, although they are fond of their families. They can be very entertaining, and their prowess in whatever activity they excel at. Roosters are far more sensitive than you'd never know - or they will never show it - and they can be deeply hurt by critism.

Rooster Characteristics

Roosters put great store by education, and will read and learn a lot by themselves. They often know more than you think, although they don't like to appear too clever. They often play the part of the bafoon when they don't need to - it's just another way of getting attention. Roosters can be quite insecure deep down.

Love, Sex, and Relationship

Love is a serious business for roosters and when they take a partner they expect it to last - for life. They are not, however, necessarily completely faithful themselves but they don't expect their partners to be. They are dramatic and exciting lovers and have endless sexual energy but little imagination. Roosters expect alot from their partners, and can be quite hard to be with too much away about themselves in return.

Rooster's Business, Friends, and Children

**Roosters like to be surrounded by people but probably wouldn't call any of them friends. Although roosters will certainly have many acquaintances, they don't really ever open up sufficiently for friendships to develop. Roosters adore children and can give them considerable attention while still working hard themselves - a unique skill. Roosters have an infinite capacity for hard work which makes them very popular with employers They love a challenge and will often enter an occupation for which they seem unsuited, and will them slog heroically away at it until it is conquered.
**Roosters like to be surrounded by people but their gregariousness can hide insecurity.
**Roosters recognize the value of a good education and will learn as much as they can.
**Roosters are eager to learn new skills and will work hard at whateer they do.

For more of my book thoughts. Go here Book Thoughts...

Update
LEt's see. Tour is over, rest is in order. Kick off the shoes..put down the bags. Sit down those achy bones. CLose my eyes....and RING RIIIINNNNGGGGG. Pick up the phone and realize that....on my...NORMAL (whatever that means) life is going on around me. The first bit of FLawless NEWS. The marriage of two souls. Very very bright. But wait a minute. THE MAID OF HONOR? Wow..um...that's kinda....wow! I turn 21 in a week and a half and already do I have to think of such things! Life is really letting me know I'm alive and loved. I love change..new prospectives. Things that turn me into another dimension. I LOVE TO BE INVOLVED. I love the better things in life. My new life is beginning. My life of adulthood. And watch out. I'm coming...


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((((((something new))))))

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New ideas and lifestyles have been making their way into my life like no other. Traffic jams, Red Lights, fucked up crazies. Everytime you get into your car. Jobs. Ugh Such rage. WOrk is a new concept in my lifetime. Quite the interesting phobia overlooked. IT's amazing how much you stand out by going into Babylon. HOw can I EVER be this way? money. We all need it. We all need to work for our money. Or so they say. What about what makes us happy. IT doesn't make us happy to have money. Or does it? What makes me happy is simple. Love, Music. wait. Music..Love. WHen I hit the freeway, it's like a battle to not keep going. My love is for the road. The signs of nature. Bigger and more beautiful things. PErfection. THat's the goal. To love who you are and to be free. How can you be happy without freedom? We all must learn to fight for what we believe in. FUCK THE DUMB SHIT....if you have the right to talk shit about issues. Why aren't you doing anything about it???""

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TO make this perfectly known. This is why I do what I do. To summarize my life, I’d like to start out by saying that most of society, absolutely DOES NOT approve of my gypsy ways. The first time I set foot at the Rainbow Gathering in 1998, I became a different person. One second, I was lost and unsure of my surroundings. Next, I was playing my drum by the fire without any awkwardness.

Since then, I have begun touring with my favorite bands, I’ve been introduced to something much more spectacular than being free in the National Forests. The feeling I get when the music hits, makes my heart excited, yet calm. Phil is about to play, so I begin to rush faster down the aisle. Closer and Closer I get. Until… “HALT! Let me see your Ticket!” Okay, slight detour, let’s go around the other way.

Scoping out all the spots, I step over one chair into the last row of the front pit. Once that was accomplished, I smile with COMPLETE ease. But, I was nowhere close to being finished. With my hawk glare, studying every guard, I silently step over one row at a time. Sometimes, hopping over. Smiling faces lending me a hand (just in case).

NOW, I’m only ONE ROW BACK. I’m so LUCKY to have gotten so close. But, wait. Wait a minute. I’m very impatient to be all the way upfront. ALL I can seem to think about now is getting in front of the rest. I’m not happy in the second row, I want to be UP THERE! Slowly and Smoothly, I ease between two front row women. Take a deep breath. Exhale…and YES!!!!! FRONT ROW!!!! Desperately, I NOW may absorb my share of the Bliss.

The music takes me to another world. I no longer see or feel anyone else around me. The soothing guitars, keyboards, and drums make every INCH of my body move on it’s own. If the music were to stops FOR SOME REASON , I shall be the saddest, most miserable tour mama on Lot. For, my mind, body, and spirit belongs to the music. The music completely takes over whatever energy I have in me. It fills my heart with the warmest love ever felt. To feel this high and serene MUST be a crime.

To love a band or a piece of music SO MUCH that it hurts, makes you understand where the Spirit comes from. If music hasn’t made you feel this way, then you will never know. But you will KNOW when you feel the music start. Gradually building the music up…creating suspense….(your body tingles up the spine and down to the fingertips), Slow Jam going into a more complex Rhythm. (your smiling SO much that your eyebrows are stretched upwards). Now, comes the groove. Groovin to the music, Groovin with the music. Feeling every notes ring. Meditating only on the music. Each musician plays with his whole heart. Everything we hear is a reflection on their mood.

I watch every musician separately. Listen separately. Each one perfecting the other. Then, after loving each musician privately. I place my head downwards and Listen to ALL OF THEM play together in perfection. How they fit together so smoothly! They are a whole. If every tiny aspect was not there, it would not be what it is.

My body, soul, and spirit are completely drowned and drugged with the essence of such sweet music. SO intense that it overcomes me. I then pop my head up and close my eyes. Feel the beautiful music sway my body without any personal desire to. Smoothly and delicately move to the music. Then, I remember the others around me. Forgotten was the rest of the world. I get too zoned out on the beauty of perfection. If you know what it’s like to be in love, then you will understand all I have to say. The measures of the music, control all that I feel. So, therefore, the love in my life is Music. The love is so strong under these circumstances only, because I cannot help myself. Nor do I want to. A different part of me completely takes over whenever the show starts. My heart soars, my spirit leaps, my Energy gives in, and my body…just follows. The feeling is like no other.

The only bad thing about my dear love, is this: When my Perpetual Bliss goes away (after a show, after tour, when touring has got to be put on hold), I hurt. I hurt so painfully, sometimes, that I must put on a headset. I NEED MY MUSIC TO FEEL FREE. I NEED IT TO FEEL LOVE. I NEED IT TO UNDERSTAND, I NEED IT TO SEND OUT LOVE. Inside, my bundles of love and happiness, I can find some kind of freedom outside of the music. I Think. I must find freedom inside of myself. But the saying goes, “Freedom isn’t Free.” The more you say it, the more it’s believed (yet untrue). This COUNTRY is as FREE as it’ll get. TO better your freedom, one must put all his/her efforts to work towards their dreams. You can’t do much for the GOVERNMENT, nor should you bother yourself with it. But, you MUST start within yourself. Only then can you create freedom and self-acceptance. That is true freedom and happiness. The peace inside yourself will set you free.

In conclusion, the enormous sense of relief that I receive from live music is the best gift I’ve ever received. This is the way of my life and I shall stand by it ALWAYS. To dismiss what you really are inside, is a Mistake you will soon regret. When that sound hits my entire body, I am in such perpetual bliss and ecstasy. Why would I (or you, for that matter) stand for ANYTHING less?




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**Maybe I think too much, but, People need to come to the conclusion that they want to know reality. Most don't know reality. They learn to play games and cause drama from the rest of the world. Soon those games and drama become reality. The ones that scare me are the ones that have been shown the difference between reality and DRAMA. Yet, they pick the drama. I cannot imagine to wish the concern onto myself. IT makes them bad people. Greedy people. Always wanting more. Simplicity is MY road to happiness. To be happy is to know that you are beautiful no matter what you wear or put on. Why would you want to change yourself to fit in? Why not find those who fit you. Just an idea. Everyone appreciates those who are true to themselves.**
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**The cost of greed is ugliness. Inside and out. THe cost of greed is insanity. Insanity of the soul. So if you choose the material and emotional greed even though the consequences. Then you deserve the punishment that will be bestowed on you. For those that don't have the luxury of knowing your punishment. You have the reward of the ugliness and insanity. For if you choose this life of greed, the punishment stands the same.**
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**The poor poor bastards that walk this earth without direction, have one or two things in store for them. As I stand on the other side and watch. THey run through the obtacles and exercises. It makes me laugh. It makes me cry. To wonder why they don't just walk around the gate like we did. Some happily run through the obstacles. Most cry and bitch the whole way. It makes me laugh.**
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**The outcome of an unhappy situation is torture on the mind. Why do most thrive to be unhappy? To keep them on their toes? What suffering they have making themselves and others unhappy. It's a game now. The never-ending game of torture. It's the human race. If children knew what they were to become, they will wish they had been aborted instead. IF I knew what I could've become, I'd rather be a chimp. Anything but swallowed in greed. I'd rather shoot myself in the head then be a slave to another human being.**
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**The idea that I may be wrong in my True feelings confuses me so. Thinking of how my true feelings could be untrue would make my world SO incomplete. But no one can resist what one truely feels. So you're wrong for making me question myself. My instincts tell me you're a shit. My true feelings say that you're a shit. So, you must a shit in my eyes. If you question how I truely feel then you will go nowhere. For though your opinion is different than mine, I will not change my mind. So I'll spell it out differently. You're a fuckin shit in my World. Not everyones. Are we both happy now?**
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**I get the feeling sometimes that I'm being used. I rarely get that feeling, so maybe I should pay attention. It easily warps in your mind, however. You make yourself believe that you are the user yourself. But the other believing the same. So, in the end, it's the "not so wise" one who is late to find out. It's a lame little game that goes nowhere. SO, get rid of that feeling EIther way. Being the user or being used. It's the same game vice versa. IS a road of misery. So Fuck the Dumb Shit and get rid of the games.**
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**I am the answer to your problems even though you don't know. But I thought you would realize the truth. It is now to late for you. If only I would have you told you before you made that mistake. But I didn't and you died without even knowing that I could have set you free.**
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**IF you only knew that you were wrong, everything would be fine. But since you decide to confuse yourself, I'll let you hurt inside. I will step back and watch. Like being at the zoo. And in the end you'll realize that you are in the cage. So I will wait until I see your smile turn into a frown. Then I will tap the glass and wave goodbye smiling. NEver to return again.**
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**THe feeling of emptiness and lonliness competes with my sanity. But, my sanity fights with no weaknes. Trying to move the emotion from sad to memory. The aching sadness keeps on throbbing. The heartache of your one and only. Given and TAKEN by the same energy. The best friend that NEVER meant harm. As innocent as a newborn. She loved me more than herself. But I mustn't let the sadness overcome. You must go back inside. I must heal instead of hurt. I must allow my healing to start by hurting no more. IT will hurt no more.**
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**Yes, I am young. And you can put me down for it. But it is a cheap shot I will allow you to take. I do, however, have more life experience than most. Lived where the hardest and baddest have lived. Taking the hardest route. Sleeping under bridges to living in a big house. There is alot that I have done street wise. Not saying I have seen it all. For I am wise enough to know I've seen nothing. And here I am, doing as well as you. So, no need to look down on a young body. For my old soul will tell you. If I was to put you down, I could say that you're just as bad. But because I do not have time for such silliness, I will let you slide. But take the advice that age doesn't matter and until you see that, you are of young soul. Until people do not put others down to make themselves feel better, it's a war. There is no convincing the close-minded.**
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**The cost of love is sacrifice. WHich is easy to do for lobe. The cost of love is consequence. We take the bad in with the good. So, if we decide to give up our fight and sacrifice our lives for love, then Love is willing and ready to take us for a ride. I hope you know what you're doing because it sure is rought. Either you are happy or completely miserable. But if you do find the one to end your suffering, hold on. There will be no one like it.**
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**THe mere hope of being completely free fades with the sun. Realization occurs. The realization of the sun and the moon. The balance of light and dark. Of responsibility and freedom. As part of the sytem. THe way of things. The becoming of a person rests on their progress. So Progress I shall. No needs to become restless. Only pure balance to make one completely free. Freedom inside and out.**
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**Simplicity is the road to happiness. To not argue with what is sure to happen anyhow.**
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**Although it confuses me why anyone would want to live in such a chaotic world. The confusion and care goes away slowly with the light blow of the wind. THe sweet rays of the sun fill the room with warm ease. Making me smile and laugh. Nothing could make me feel more alive. The sun overhead slowly moves into the ocean. The water glitters in the yellow reflection. Skies turn colors from Pink to Purple. From Green to Blue. The orange sun plummets into a beautiful sunset. As the darkness of the night envelops the sky. THe most beautiful moment of my life is every day.**
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**The feel of invisibility is a rush of excitment, with complete utter ease. To practice the power of the jedi. TO be helped by the simple mind fuck. To use what power you have inside of you. Not your physical power. To not be seen or felt. TO glance without staring. To be understood without saying a word. That is complete jedi takeover. A permanent smile appears as the crowd of bodies surrounds you. Yet, you are not seen by a soul. Makes more mischief come to play. Like a little child with a new found achievment. I've GOT to keep this up.**
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But besides all the stuff that I write down daily. I have much and much more things going on in this little brain of mine. In 98, I went to my first National Rainbow Gathering. IT was like an opening. TO an alternative way of trying to fit in. Before going to my first gathering in Central California. Which is where I met the kids (in the town that I went to High School). It's amazing how much family is where I grew up. There's even a beautiful Rainbow House maintained by a friend ofmine. They taught me the way to be myself. ONce I felt the gypsy blood in me begin to run.. I couldnt' stay away from the road. I started traveling...mostly only going to Rainbow Gatherings and small shows here and there (Jerry Garcia Band-without jerry- MErl Sauders, Jefferson Starship, Mickey Hart, etc....). But, when you're only beginning a "good time" at a gathering, You don't notice all the drama and politics of it. "Weekend Warriors" is what we call it. I became involved with the Shanta Sena of every gathering. SO...from the point on that I got a little bit of information about the bad points of the gathering. We were involved. We had CB radios in our tents. We were Definately ON IT. IF there was a rape, a theft, a fight, or anything that was a call for Shanta Sena, we were there ready to handle anything. We'd counsel, involve lawyers and provide anything that was needed. SO, it was a necessity to be there for SEED CAMP, THE GATHERING, AND CLEANUP. We couldn't have it any other way. PEace Shall PRevail in the Woods!!!


After living doing the Rainbow Gathering movieAfter going to many gatherings including, Shawnee National Forest, Allegheny National Forest, Ocala National Forest, Sequoia National Forest...etc. I opened my eyes a bit. First arriving to the family as a weekend warrior kid who was just there to have fun. Then with experience, I taught myself, and was schooled to open my eyes to what else was going on. With a little bit of information and training, I learned that it isn’t all Peace and Love to be out there. And because we are practicing peace legally in our National Forest, we should have no problems. But, instead, the locals and the local law enforcement try to take charge. They make our area completely unlivable. They try everything they can to get us out of “their” area. So, all the actions that the local teams are taking, are completely “off the books”. For, if we were doing something wrong, we would definitely held liable, but instead, we are called “liars and uncivilized”. To be free means to live without worries or feelings of being uncomfortable. Also, with every different cultures , we do have our bums and punks. But, because of the few of them, is no reason to pass judgment against all. For there are a lot of us that are the ones that keep it all going. Feeding these hungry children, and promoting a lifestyle more peaceful and free than the one appointed to us. We’re there because we Love our Family. Every single one.


After giving all I could to the Family, it was time for us to go on a vacation. SO we took a trip down to Key West, Florida. It was beautiful and new at first. I quickly made our statement there. ME and my girlie Angela ran that town. Rolling in cash and “mama’s little helpers”. Everything we did down there consisted of heavy drug use and partying out. Because my problems there had to do with my companion, it wasn’t as fun as it should’ve been. Down in the keys, I had MY shit together, but the marbles of my boyfriend were falling very frequently. So..soon enough, they got caught. My dear Angela and my “boyfriend” were caught. Jailed and held for Parole. 17 felony charges against my sweet sister. And 1 measly felony for him. I, being the ONLY witness had to stay in KEy West and testify. We worked on this case for the next 5-6 months of our lives. I couldn’t go anywhere until all was resolved, and neither could my kids. Finally at the end of this “annoying” case, everyone was surprised. At least I was. Because of the Crooked-ness of the little city of Key West, it was easier to stay calm. Angela’s lawyer (Mr. & Mrs. Fowler....atty), who used to be a Judge of Key West, Seemed to still have his “connections” and made a deal. The final deal that would be the end of it. Angela would walk on 17 felonies with a misdemeanor, (FUCKING SWEEEEEEEET DEAL), and Sometimes get 1 felony with 1 year Probation. When it could’ve been worse, that deal was so sweet, there’s no way we wouldn’t take it. We lived in a phatty house across the beach, where we had MANY MANY good times. Including my 19th Birthday Party which I really don’t remember.. ha ha. I got a handful of Xanax for my birthday in the morning. Ate a couple.......(i was supposed to have a party that night at my house)...and next thing I remember, I was waking up the next day. The party took place, without me. Angela and I had successfully locked ourselves in my room and did Every single drug that was around. Hehehehe. After that, everyone went on their way. I left Sometimes (he’s a crazy sad obsessive brother) and took off to California for the Holidays (as I do every year).

Once I was out of the game and realizing what it is I was doing, I didn’t want to be there or doing anything of the sort. I spent my holidays with my family realizing what is and isn’t important in my life. We decided that in my life, my dog is the only thing that I love more than anything. SO, being such WONDERFUL parents that they are, they flew me to Florida (I was traveling during new years). I hung out at my school bus with sometimes and my friends. While I was there, I was going to seal the deal with Sometimes, and take my sweet Xomas with me. We had alot of fun living in Hollywood, FL on a Bluegrass Festivals Ground. But, when the time came, I left it all to go home with my Xomas.

Once in California, I lived in town and did a couple things I needed to get done. I got my drivers license, took my SATs.....etc. After living with my friend Sean, he became hooked on H again and I couldn’t Deal with seeing one of my best friends hurt himself anymore. Before I left, I ended up adopting another beautiful animal. He lived across the street with a family that beat him and made him fight for his food. They called him Lucas, but I knew his name needed work. The second he became mine, I named him Irey. For, Irey means the state of being happy or high. That’s what he would be from now on. So, I adopted him and left Sean’s house.

Moving to Santa Barbara was the first time I was going to try to do things the “right” way. I brought my two dogs and lived in an apartment. Because Irey wasn’t trained, he became a problem for me. Xomas was trained out in the woods and has every command down. No leash needed for Xomas. But Irey was just a wild one. Gypsy heart. And because of the position I was in, I didn’t have time to train him. Nor did I believe that I could handle two pitts. So...I made the decision to give him away. The more and more that realization came about, the more depressed I felt about giving him away. I loved him already and would’ve been heartbroken if I hadn’t done what I did. And what I did was give him to my family. My parents and my little brothers. THey love him and he loves them. IT’s a perfect fit. Now.....I am able to concentrate.

Xomas and I are living in Santa Barbara when Summer comes around. My eyes begin to get starry, and my blood begins to rush. The gypsy in me already knows where it’s going. It doesn’t matter! As long as it’s beautiful. Dov and I began our summer trip as so...We would hit the Berkeley, Oregon, and Washington shows. Then hop over to Idaho for the National Gathering. But.....as always, the plans got a bit changed around. We ended up going to Red Rocks, CO and......ended up finishing the tour. All the way to Atlanta, GA.

On July 17th, I was checked out from the crowd. Rob Barracco comes all the way to the side of the stage to give me a hug and get my name. HE told me to check Will Call the next day......I sure did. At Will Call, on the Guest List........my name. It was beautiful. Tour was filled with meeting new people and making new connections. And most of all...tour was about bringing everyone together for the music. The Memorabilia I Received : 5 Phil Guest Stickers, 1 Allman Brothers Sticker, 1 Jones Beach Party Pass Sticker, Signatures from Phil Lesh, Rob Barraco, Jimmy Herring, John Molo and Warren Haynes. An original copy of A Night of a Thousand Stars, signed by Mr. Rob Barracco. Warren and Jimmy guitar picks and a pair of Molo’s drum sticks signed “I LOVE YOU NICKY -- PEACE AND LOVE--”. Can you make anyone so lucky?

After Phil tour, I decided to jump on Ratdog tour to take me back to the West coast where I belong. It actually wasn’t as bad as I expected. Bob Weir really did make me wanna hear more. The setup for So Many Roads tour was DJ Logic, Karl Denson, Rusted Root, Keller Williams, and Ratdog. I only got to see Logic and Denson one or two times. Once you see Rusted Root more than once, it gets really old. Rusted Root Definately ruined the whole tour with me. I didn’t even know anything about rusted root before this tour. And now I know every song they sing because they played it every night. I mean, how many times can you take.......”I wouldn’t wanna be, livin in a world of ecstasy.....yea-ahhhh”..... Drove me crazy. However, Keller Williams (which came on before ratdog) was probably one of the best performers I’ve seen in awhile. Good job Williams. The band was really nice to meet and it was really nice to see that they weren’t “rock stars” yet. :o) On Aug 14th, in Baltimore, MD, I got to ride on the crew bus. It was SO much fun I didn’t ever want it to end. But of course it ended once we got to the venue. It was time to work. The whole crew for Ratdog’s band was very sweet and.....they really leveled up to what I expected. The Memorabilia I Received : 6 Ratdog Guest Stickers, 1 Signed Setlist -Mark Karen, Rob Wasserman, Jay Lane, and Jeff Clemente. 1 Unused Full Ticket with BObby Weir’s Signature. My other memorabilia for Both Phil and Ratdog, mostly reside with my head. I’ve got memories to last a LONG time.

After tour was over for me...(when I got back to Cali), I had alot to think about. I had nothing but the clothes on my back. When I was on tour, I was known as the “High-Maintenance Mama”. Which just meant that I had clothing to clothe 6-10 mamas. During my whole time on tour, I took care of 8 mamas. All at different times, but they all needed it. It feels really good to go out there and give all that you’ve got. I NEVER denied anyone of anything. Even if that meant that I starve. Since I’ve been home, more has come to my growth. I MUST think of my future, and I musn’t allow FUN just to make me irresponsible. Balance is where I need to be. I must find my balance. Just like everyone else. Without balance, we will fall over. A couple years ago, I made the decision that there was ABSOLUTELY NO WAY to combine my life (my roadie, gypsy ways), and my “responsible” life my parents wish on me. I know that someday I will have to figure my future out. So, why not do that now. I’ll have fun on the side. WHenever I can. Summer tour has still got my name on it.

Every single lost soul that goes out on tour, or out on the road. We are all confused and need to be shown the direction to go. Music brings us together. The beauty of the music that we all go for. I love to hear Jam Bands. They are what keep me going. WIthout Live music in my life, I would be stuck in a world of misery forever and ever.

I love All my New Family that I have met out on the road. You guys are what keeps us going. Keep on truckin. We love you.