Military Humour and Wisdom.

<XMP><BODY></xmp>Military Humour and Wisdom.

Military things to remember

Many friends of the Scrapboard have sent me jokes and other humour over the years –thank you to you all, you know who you are. I've decided to post a few of these up, since there is often an element of wisdom in many. You'll see versions of these elsewhere – if I've missed any out or you have new ones to add, send them to the usual address.

TIME TO REVISIT OUR DECISION!!!

It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there.

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on the TV are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?

The land is too large to secure all of it.The bad people causing this damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place.

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Their government is unstable, and in the process of changing.

Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes.

It will cost billions to rebuild, which we can't afford.

There are more than 1000 religious sects.

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?

And to repeat. Every day we hear of more Americans killed in this dangerous land.

It is clear! We must abandon California.

Printed in The Times:-

Oh, No We're Not

FRENCH paratroopers have changed the name of their unit after jibes from British and American special forces about the unfortunate English acronym formed by the four capital letters in the title, which were displayed on their badges.
They were formerly the Commandos de Recherches et d'Action dans la Profndeurr

"You don't win a war by dying for your country. You win a war by making the other son-of-a-bitch die for his." - General Patton

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography". - Paul Rodriguez

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit"
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher - "Aim towards Enemy."

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.

We are not retreating; we are advancing in another direction.

If you see the bomb disposal expert running, try to keep up.

"Nothing is as easy as it looks."
"Everything takes longer than you think."
"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."
"If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong."
"If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then."
"If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway."
"If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop."
"Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse."
"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
"Nature always sides with the hidden flaw."
"Mother nature is a bitch."
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
"Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first."
"Every solution breeds new problems."
"Trust everybody ... then cut the cards."
"Two wrongs are only the beginning."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles."
"Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget."
"Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view."

Subject: USMC and Navy Rules for Gunfighting

USMC Rules For Gunfighting

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
9.5. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.
"All skill is in vain when the Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket." (From what looks like a very old stained glass window in a German Officer's club.)
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of your gun.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don't drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with at least a "4."
24a. A .40/10mm is just a medium bore with a better publicity agent than a 9mm. Use a .44 or .45 and Vaseline your hollowpoints

Navy Rules to Gunfighting

1. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture

2. Send in the Marines

3. Drink Coffee

If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If its stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid. (worth repeating)
You are not Superman [ Marines & Fighter Pilots take note ].
Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
There is always a way, Thinking of it before you need to is the trick.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.
Incoming fire has right of way.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb. bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything
Body Count --- 4 Pigs + 3 Cows + 1 Enemy = 99 KIA's.
No combat ready unit ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit ever passed combat.
Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
Tracers work both ways.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery.
Artillery adds dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.
When artillery doesn't work, call for an air strike.
Close only counts in horse shoes, hand grenades, and H-bombs.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Friendly fire --- Isn't.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an 2nd Lieutenant with a map.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
The buddy system is essential to your survival, it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you [ and miss ].
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
If the Gunny can see you, so can the enemy.
Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets --- printed at different scales.
All battles are fought uphill.
All battles are fought in the rain.
Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare.
"Military Intelligence" is a contradiction of terms.
What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
If orders can be misunderstood, they will be.
War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact.
Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank.
Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.
Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%.
Tactics are for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.
It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy.
Always know when it's time to get out of Dodge City.
Always know how to get out of Dodge City.
Always remember, your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.
Always honour a threat.
The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the length of the time you have been carrying it.
Fighter pilots make movies; Attack pilots make history.
There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost.
Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander.
All warfare is based on deception.
A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
Cold and snow are not neutral.
The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.
Diplomacy has rarely been able to gain at the conference table what cannot be gained and held on a battlefield.
War is the unfolding of miscalculations.
Perfect is the enemy of good enough.
Good enough --- Isn't.
He who wants to defend everything defends nothing.
Mine fields are not neutral. They attack anyone.
The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater than the distance you can jump.
The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater then the average grunt can throw it.
Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
The mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds. To ensure this, the mortar team should carry extra pins.
There is no such thing as a convenient fighting hole.
Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.
Beer Math --- 2 Beers X 12 Grunts equals 49 Cases.

The History of the Army

From the Gospel according to Saint Miles, Ground Pounder.

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry.

And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them "Thou art my chosen children. Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain".

And as a mark of His favor the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armor Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun.
Likewise gaveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand Grenade.

For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, C-Rats, and Alcohol. Shun all other unclean food and drink."
And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein.

And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying
"Lord, help us, for we are weary."

And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Armored Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still they were known as Armor, or DAT's for short.
And the Lord looked down upon the Armor and saw that it was mediocre.
The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines."

To the DAT's the Lord said "Quiche shall be thy food, and bottled water thy drink. Touch not the sacred chow of the Infantry."
And the Infantry and the Armor dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying
"Lord help us, for we are weary."

And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen. Then God took those of the Armor with butts like baseplates and breath like sulfur and tiny, tiny pee-pees and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself, "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out."

Unto the Artillery He said "The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryest thou not to hurt thyselves." To the Infantry the Lord said "When the night is darkest these shall light the way...more or less. When the approach is most open these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy's sight.
When thou callest for fire support these shall - eventually - provide it with high explosive, cluster munitions and, best of all, nukes."
Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery.
And the Infantry, the Armor, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Air Defense Artillery; but quickly asked forgiveness.

And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying
"Lord help us, for we are weary."

Again the Lord looked with favor upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armor, Artillery and Air Defense Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters, and of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made Adjutants General. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Ordnance Corps.

Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the Transportation Corps. Of the least articulate He made Signalers. Of the mindlessly doctrinaire and arrogant He - reluctantly - created Military Police and Inspectors General (though the Lord admitted, to Himself, that He was probably only providing employment opportunities to Satan's minions). Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics and of those whose minds had been destroyed by the same made He the Chemical Corps.

Yea, the Lord of All filled up the MTOE.

And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein.
Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying,
"Lord, help us, for we are weary."

And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightnings spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid.

And the Lord spoke with anger, asking "How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armor and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the Earth Quartermasters and Adjutants and Signalers and Transporters and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it were a contradiction in terms?"
Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying,

"Lord, it is of these that we are weary."

Sending Old Men To War..

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.

If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early (to pee).

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys

We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food.
We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, to wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out, to learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death, let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11.

The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Strange but true. In the Roman army the third line of infantry (the Triarii) was made up of the older legionaries. If the day went well the young bucks would do most of the work. If things went badly the first two lines could fall back behind the Triarii, who would form a phalanx . Being older and more experienced the Triarii were less likely to panic under such conditions.

By the Author of the Scrapboard : Blog of the Books.
	Attack, Avoid, Survive: Essential Principles of Self Defence Available in Handy A5 and US Trade Formats. A5 Edition. US Trade Edition. New Global Edition Epub Global Edition Video Webpage
	Survival Weapons: Optimizing Your Arsenal
	Crash Combat Fourth Edition Epub edition Fourth Edition.
	Anatopismo: An Underrealm Novella
	Hell-Ay: Angel Town

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