November-Early December 2001'
"Excerpts:  Uncut"
                I was startin' to fall for my business professor- I just really like the man. Fall as in...thinking he keeps it real and is good people. Then I saw him pulling out of the parking lot yesterday and saw his "Al Gore is a risky scheme!" bumper sticker. *sigh* Poor guy- a bit misguided- but still cool. He's also the reason why I didn't go to bed last night- at all. Literally, I came home from school, fed, bathed, and put my kids to bed, and cracked open the business statistics notes. I studied all night. When I got tired I took online breaks, and the caffeine levels in my blood are probably bordering on toxic. After my 9am exam I had no clue how I was going to last until my 12pm lab, and I knew full well if I went home I wouldn't come back, so somehow I had the idea to go crash in my office. Wait, it's not my office, it's her office (my new job on campus in the music dorms, that I just happen to have a key to! I got the HRA secretary to wake me up close to noon, and I slept as hard as I could for those two hours- which wasn't too hard considering the jittery side-effects of a gallon of Arizona freshly brewed sweetened ice tea, multi vitamins for women,brownie, a really great tasting hotdog (havent had a good one in awhile) and doritos. (*note to self: NEVER do that again*) Point being, I never realized how long and comfortable that couch in our office is- woo! I hope I can get an internal "promotion" next semester or year- I really like working as a University Advocate, and now I've got extra incentive. I work with really nice or cool people...what Im trying to say is for the most part nobody bugs me or pisses me off at this job. Its never me...Im always down and cool about things but Im not great at dealing with assholes lemme tell ya. Because I didnt grow up around any in my close family excluding my step dad but hes not family. I work with a buncha exchange students from the middle east, to Thailand,Japan,Spain and London. They like to keep to theirself a lot but its all for the merrier because they dont cause any drama with anyone. But there's a tiny percentage of some ghetto ass people who work there full time and dont go to school at my school...they look receptive to wanting to cause drama at any given day but I just watch my back and try to keep the peace ya know. Not saying they are automatically up to no good, this is just from working with them, Im just describing them, not saying because of that, "this". They all stay in the same projects too. They are so jealous of me and I hate that. They get mad cuz all the black guys who we work with try to flirt with me alot. Thats ALL on them, I dont do no flirting. I really dont flirt period. They will do anything to f*ck with me and be messy towards me. They think Im this spoiled, stuck up mixed girl who's in college walkin on clouds. Well if they "really" took time to know me...Theyd know I know the game just as well as they do and "better" and Im non of those descriptions. They dont know jack about me besides their silly assumptions. I know they are carry a big load of weight on them but HELL so am I. I just handle mines differently I guess, Ive taught myself that things arent always what they seem so have faith. They are grown with families at home and worrying about what some guy tryna holla at me. What they losing from it? ya know...Besides Im not even feeling them. My standards are higher now that my eyes have been opened and my mind. No disrespect to the guys cuz we cool and can be cool all day but they not gettin in my draws or gettin my They kinda bug me, being all on my heels every 5 minutes geez...let me breathe. I wanted to tell them Im happily married (that usually does the trick lmao) but we see each other everyday, sooner or later...theyd wanna know about my husband LOL. If I feel something is really there and your nice,cool and patient "sweet" type guy who respects females...then we can be friends and see what happens from there...can we take it to the next level? Hehe...but no rush or nuttin.  I only work 5 hours a day Monday-Wednesday for $2.00 an hour less pay than my previous job. I want to stay at this job until I graduate maybe? Its easy, on campus, so agree-able on the hours I selected to Im pretty content about it. Anything but retail is what Im screaming its all good.

            I am in Dallas (yes in the city pary right now), at one of my sister's friends familys house (get all that?). Yesterday was not a good Thursday, not a good anything, definitely not a good Thanksgiving. They celebrated a little they could fly to Chicago where they are from originally. I'm just no good at fronting, none at all- and when it got too much for me to take, when I felt the words that I knew I would regret pulsing in my throat and burning to spill forth- I bit my tongue (literally), and turned my shut and bloody mouth- and left. I am someone's mother now, and I just can't say everything that I want to say- in the case of yesterday, even the things that really need to be said. I haven't been online since yesterday and Im feelin so bored because I havent got near my laptop (yes *confession* ....."Take 2") , and I won't be back on until Sunday night when I get home, but even then I will maintain the forced silence whose only outlet has been in tears. It's no fun to get to say "I told you so", and there is no vindication in being right- when saying I told you so and being so very right means watching someone you love get hurt- especially when that someone is you. So onto dropping some hints then seeing if they will pick up on it...if not? Then hey, I tried...and it means its not for me to keep pursuing it. People have to learn from their own mistakes...just like a crackhead. You can try to lecture to them all day about their addiction but until they wanna stop their habit...they will just keep on being a crackhead. The power is not in my hands...

            Oh yeah, by the way- I cut my hair. Yup- all of it. I'm damn near bald. Well that's not true, but it's really suppose to look somethin like like Kellys hair from Destiny Child. I LUV HER HAIR! The floppy,self assured feathered upside down curls are just too fly. My sorta homegirl kept jokin' me today and saying she can't believe I got a "black girl" haircut. Whatever. I stayed up all night Saturday night unbraiding my hair, and I looked straight up like Scary Spice when it was over with. Even without a perm it was so lengthy, and I just couldn't decide what to do with it. So last night my cousin took me to the (closed) salon where her cousin works, and cut it off for me- all of it. I am still recovering from the shock! I have never had my hair this short in my life, not by accident or by choice- and I'm pretty sure I was even born with more hair than I have now . It's ironic, last year this time I cut it off, but it wasn't this short. Last year I cut it too short to be able to pull it into a ponytail, but left enough to still be able to push it behind my ears- this time I can't do either. It's not shaved- but it nearly is. I still can't believe it- and it's cold without hair! It was just time for it to go, it just seemed fitting with all the other things going right in my life to just let go of my hair too. I cried, I knew I would, but one thing about hair- it grows back like grass. I look older I think, I don't know, I'm getting used to it- slowly but surely... I already warned *him*- but he's still gonna piss in his pants when he sees me later this week. We'll take lots of pictures I'm sure. There's nothing wrong with short hair but depending on how it looks on you. Some people look lovely with it and okay with it. I just was shooting for KElly from Destiny Child but instead ended up with Grace Jones? *euro accent* What in the world?? nah.... *update* Somehow it wound up into the Halle Berry cut that she wears now. know how that is? Go to the beautician wanting something and you wound up getting whatever. I like it though. I  do it up my own way, sometimes like Halle's only because I think its pretty fly. Not that I wanna copy her. Im the last to copy someone. Most of the time when Im lazy or rushing...I wear it straight with the ends flipped up with slight hair spray to keep them flipped, not too much. Hair spray is such a mess. Sometimes I wear it natural curly. People have always made jokes sayin I should wear it natural curly because then I will already have  hair style but I dont like to wear it curly too much because I look so much younger. On some occasions I curl it into Shirley Temples, whew takes so much work to get the curls right. For a bad hair day, its cool to have shorter hair, jus throw on a nice hat or cap...and put on some natural lookin lipstick,eye shadow and your ready to roll... :D

        "Here's My Thesis"
            Lots of folks thought I was gonna drop out of school after my 2nd child and not finish school. Nope, I was gonna take my kids and work 40 hours a week (but in reality I only work 15hrs a week) and ignore the fact that their fathers was there footloose and fancy free (except my sons dad) and I was gonna go to college if it killed me, and it [damn] near did. Wooh! I wish I knew what I know now, back then. But it has all helped to shape the wise person Ive come to be. Without it, Id be a square I believe. It sure wasn't anything of my doing; it's nothin' but the grace of God and the love and dedication of a praying family that got me out of that one alive. I just spent an hour and a half on the side of Round Grove Blvd. crying, laughing at myself for crying, waiting, wondering and feeling more than a bit overwhelemed by the awkward situation I had fallen into. It's going to sound foolish when I relay what happened- it already sounds foolish as I relay it in my mind- but what matters more than anyone's perception of what I did is that I realized in a personal and poignant way what an integral part I am in this universe.

        Speaking of my little darlings and cuteness, last night as I was tucking my 3 yr. old girl in I sneezed hard and she recoiled and hollered "Eww Mommy! Don't blesh on me!" ("Belsh" = "Bless you") She's a little lost in the process of events...she thinks bless you means sneeze too. I tried to teach her the right meanings. Then she got all wide eyed and innocent looking and said, If you you say bless you and she ended it with a big silly laugh. I said no silly only when you sneeze. When you pewt, you say excuse me. That kid of mine cracks me up, and now every Monday night for an hour and a half she'll have a nice outlet for some of that energy of hers.

                                                                                                This silly, crazy thang is my kid, La Shae, age 3
                                                                                    lol just kiddin' shes so sweet and very good at playin Jeopardy

    "There's no room like my room"
            Pillsbury's classic "Chocolate chip" cookies, seedless watermelon, Sunny Delight orange juicen (yes I know these dont compliment each other Ha!) ,my S L O W laptop,freshly out the shower smelling baby fresh (baby powder is the BOMB) and im good now for the nite, the freaks who come out at night online and keep me rolling with their tri-hourly IM interruptions on my screen (that ALL go unanswered)to better clarify this: in the past guys Ive talked to and knew in person and I wasnt feelin them and they persistantly bug me and try to lure me into freaky talk at nite (sorry I dont talk dirty after dark or dirty period unless your special enuff for me to feel like doin it lmao anyways;just because I have 3 kids out of wedlock and young dont mean I got FREAK tattoo'ed on my forehead), I dont mind chattin' online when Im free to but Im not amused by  guys acting as animals wantin me for their selfish sexual preferences so if this is you...listen closely "Go jack off somewhere and leave people alone", my online babies U know who R are muah,Cosby Show repeats make the day/nite go easy,Comic View on BET please make me laugh tonite,Hey Arnold cartoon on Nick (yes I watch it thanks to my 5yr old Im addicted to it!) and my sons father who only watches tv once a week for 15 minutes on Sunday nites to watch Adult Cartoons on the Cartoon Network, he has me watching that too now lol but I dont watch tv routinely just depends cuz its so ridiculously corny as in stale chips these days unless u have alot of time on ur hands, my incredible nack for churning out "A+" work at deadline time, the patience of a good friend who isn't annoyed by being called at 4am, and lastly the uncanny (but no doubt learned) ability of my sweet two year old son to sleep like a log and snore         This little cheery gentleman is my son, Xavier, age 2 (in a half nearly)

like a grown man even with his procrastinating Mommy pecking away at her pc with the lights, scented apple pie candle.. on careful alert watch, and fan going as quietly as they can- I'd like to thank you all for keeping me awake tonight when my body said to cave in.

"Joy of Motherhood"
        This morning in accounting class there was a lady (girl? woman?) in the back of the room with a very fussy baby- I can't rememebr her ever having brought the child before. Actually I'm not even sure who she was, because I was sitting in the front row and didn't want to be rude enough to turn around and look like all of the folks around me were doing. At some point Dr.Cole interrupted himself and admonished her, "Miss, you're going to have to do something back there"- at which point she excused herself. But she came back, and the kid still cried and fidgeted and fussed- and I felt so bad for both of them because he has no business in an accounting class and she looked like she takes her time with him to be a good to decent mother plus she never misses class cuz she sits infront of me. Ive never seen kids in the classroom unless its a huge class and they sneak them into the if they've just gotten out of school and mommy has one class left, so she brings her kid to class. Im guessing? Eventually they just left, which was probably best because she certainly couldn't have been getting any real notes taken.

When she left that time she left for good, but if she'd have been there at the end of class I would have spoken to her. I would have told her not to be embarrassed, and I would've told her that last semester I almost had to bring my son with me to this same class one day when he was sick and couldn't go to school because when my kids r crying sick...I want them by my side not in the hands of some under-paid worker in charge of more kids than she can count. I would have told her that I understand how it feels to not have a sitter, but to not be able to miss class either. I would have told her that I know how crucial class notes are, not to mention the fact that Dr. Cole is infamous for the pop quizzes. I would have told her that if it happens again not to worry, that I'll copy my notes for her. I would have told her that I'm a single mother too, that I know all too well about the demands of balancing motherhood and education. I would have told her, but by the time class was over she had gone.

Me + Macy's sale= TROUBLE
I knew I shouldn't have gone, or taken a chaperone with me at the very least. But alas, foolish me, when I left school at noon (nice easy morning: no test, no new material to lecture on today in either of my 2 classes, I headed across downtown to the Galleria where Macy's is having its annual city-to-city traveling clearance blow-out sale thing. From the commericals, it says everything over $50 is 65% off in womens clothing. (WOW) So the 40 minute drive thru Dallas hazardous suicide traffic was worth my time this round. Those sales- man they are amazing- they have so many things you never realized you needed until you see them! But I was good- really, I was. True, I spent double what my hypothetical budget coming in was- but if you could see all the stuff I put back you'd be proud of me too.

My final take: this sexy black leather vest (its like the kind Mya wore in Lady Marmalade video) what the hell was I thinkin buyin that expensive thing??? sigh...i am a impulsive buyer...but it also came with black leather pants...Im gonna say that for a special nite out somewhere,  velvet green wallet, brown leather fisher type hat,black stretch long tee with a long v-cut saying "Cutie" on it hehe/a cool pair of denim jeans with faded black pockets and slightly flared at the bottom with leopard suede running down the horizontal hem of the jeans and low cut on the waist like some Beyounce jeans (cool huh? but dont ask me why I call them Beyounce jeans guess cuz she was the first Ive ever seen sport that look)/ light golden suede jacket with wooly fur on the collar and sleeve end, 2 really cool girly sweaters, and gold link chain belt and a brown thick belt, black satin dress long sleeve with a long v-cut and collar very simple lookin and i like that, and Ive already got some shoes from 2 months ago so I ran into some really cool candles on sale (im startin a collection or cool,neat or weird candles) and oh I also got a suede dark brown long strap purse. Can you believe that's all I got myself? (joke) (No, that's not all I got, but that's all I got myself.) It broke me to put back the long black butterflied dress, the cutest little oval shaped black glasses, the dressy girly pants, the cool out on the town shoes and the two pair of girly blouses- but I did it. If I were in a depressive episode I probably would have gone ahead and bought the whole lot- but thank God I'm not, so I didn't. Then I thought mental note *Christmas save some money* When I walked out the hit me. I forgot to remind myself that Im a compulsive shopper that needs to think about the long term effect on my budget to come before shopping til dropping right on my head and crying because I wont want to turn the merchandise loose and I dont want to be broke. Places shouldnt have such cute things all at once. Now I only carry a certain amount on me so I wont overspend. I usually dont "shop,shop" unless I got the money to, this isnt my average shopping day.

When I got home my sister Ki did her usual battery of questions- am I selling drugs? am I stripping? She calls me that ham Kandi (because Im just like a pig when it comes to what I want, when I want, how I want, for whom I want) and says she doesn't know where my money comes from. She doesn't consider the cash flowing in from helping hands of family in time of need i.e. grandmother,aunt,child support (Now dont think for one minute I use my kids money ALL on me, they come first but if I were to get them something this time it would be wants because they have a million clothes,toys and go to their doctor check-ups. Shoot, and you dont even wanna know what I had to go through with their so-called fathers. They owe me more than money except for my sons father. He without the courts hands in our business, on his own gives me whatever I need for his son. He's a real man about things...sigh thanx gawd for him in my life too. We have a special relationship. Anyway...Man, I really like my new clothes, and I needed them- it's amazing how quick I go through loot. Im working on my money management skills actually. Ive learned that its not necessarily HOW much you have ...its how you manage what you have :-) Im kinda sad in that... I just really hadn't planned on spending that much money in one day.

Compared to my oldest kid whose dad keep her decked in some of the flyest clothes Ive seen on a 5 yr old (thats how he measures his love for her, but Im not mad at him at least he trying besides I know what resources he came from and who he I see why he thinks that but anyway), then she goes to a learning school for toddlers (its not day care but school, they learn stuff new every week, counting, ABCs,words,singing lessons,swimming lessons,math, anything to stimulate their learning skills and people skills) It cost a damn arm and a leg to allow her to join but my dad use to pay until my kids dad got a better job. Then on weekends...she's often pouting over me not allowing her to spend the nite at her friends house on weekends alot. I swear the kid has more of a social life than I do. She wants to go out every weekend lol. I dont get to see my kids but on weekends..due to the fact that Im 1hr and 35 mins away in school during the week. So Id like to see her little angle face when Im home...but I do let her go sometimes then sure her friends parents dont really want another 5 yr old in the house every weekend, so I spare them the energy. Not to mention, she's now going to model for Macy's Christmas Ball 2001' next week. She's so sweet and smart too. She's not one of those obnoxious, mannerless, spoiled kids too much...I try hard and patiently to prepare her to turn into a beautiful grown lady someday.

This is not Harry Potters twin' its my boo Armani, age 5
I know some might be wondering who's in the background?
Thats my step dad...

Well I'm home alone again tonight- but not feeling the urge to go out, at all. When my oldest (whos 5) was an infant I used to be dying to go out and scrambling for a sitter (being the young,lost and easily influenced as i was "then"<--keyword)- now I always have a sitter and rarely want to go out. Part of me says I should go out, it is Lady's night after all (although every night is Lady's night when you have my mentality that you are a queen and must remember that because there's no reason why you shouldnt think you are less) and I could use to blow off some steam from that God-awful test,my accounting teacher who's the worst teacher,suicide drivers = Dallas traffic,worldly frustration and a girl who acted like a complete asshole to me when I asked for little cheese and lots of chicken faquita on my quesedilla. I mean I asked nicely no need to act rude because I asked after she rung my order up. I guess she had the fast food blues but hey Im not no punching bag and I wasnt rude to her. *Thinkin* Why do people wanna be stupid with me today...?

        Unfortunately I've done all the blowing off I can afford this week- and I have another project for my business statistics class due by morning- so if you need me, you know where to find me. An unintended side effect of that self-censorship has been that I have also kept myself from saying things that perhaps should be said. For whatever reasons, I have for a long time been really hesitant to make much more than passing reference to spiritual issues that have been on my heart and mind, until recently. Everyday is filled with its own unique blessings, of course, but the past two days have really been special ones for me, and it was nearly impossible for me to contain that joy and satisfaction, online and off. And even though I worried that saying what was on my heart might make people who read this "look at me funny", I said it anyway- and anyone who reads my page made taking that risk worth it.

Im out.