My step dad is living with us again

    My step dad is living with us again. He's all trying to be a reborn Christian and things now. I can say he has changed some in that he's not an acoholic anymore. Thats due to the fact of health related issues though I think. I think he has cancer but I do not know for sure. I never asked and I dont want to. Someone brought it to my attention (speakin of cancer) that a lot of white people have cancer (although my step dad is black). He asked me if I thought it was a link to their behavior of being so racist back in the day. I cannot speak on it for certain cuz I wouldnt want my worse enemy to suffer like that. One of my good friends mother passed due to that. I seen her like Id never wanna see her in my life (very sad). I was trying to be all strong but I couldnt it was so sad. Her mother was a beautiful lady. Now my friend is so focused on her goals and more assertive and more outspoken and she speaks up for herself in a heart beat to anyone. She's a cool down azz chica though. She's 25 and a virgin too by choice. 

    Anyways, my step dad carries the same behavior and attitude. Its like he has no good in his heart. He dont really even seem to like to go to church or do things for people and everything has to be his way. He still talks to me like Im a kid still. Which makes me so mad. Im not a kid anymore and why would you talk to a 20 something year old like a kid anyway and expect a decent response. He's also very sloppy and nasty. I dont eat nothing he cooks and he washes dishes all nasty too lol sh*t. I buy plastic utilities,plates and cups for me and mine. For real. I dont even like to be in the same room as him especially the kitchen. 

    My mom doesnt even trust him around me at all. She doesnt like for me to wear revealing clothes around the house when he's around. Actually she would say something if I did without him around but she wouldnt be upset though.  Its kinda causes me great anxiety to see my mom acting like everything is so cool and her kissin his azz in his face then she dont want me around him and she's always like I dont care about him attitude when he's not around. I mean I dont think my mother is in the wrong considering'...but it just causes me some anxiety trying to balance all this crazyness she's putting up with and going through with him. Ive finally forgiven him of what he did to me when I was younger. Only in respects to God though. I would want God to forgive me for my sins. I however cannot forget though. I cannot block it out my mind. 

    I was watching Oprah one day on this topic' getting molested. Oprah was molested as a kid too. She said a lot of girls who were molested have a big issue with relationships, men relationships and saying "no". She was so on point as always. Ive had issues with all that. Ive questioned a lot of things Ive did in my life. I think I decided to have sex so young because I was missing guidance ofcourse but more so not feeling loved or loved enough and seeking attention. You know they say(about youngins) if you dont get it at will find it elsewhere. I use to fall in love in one day and ish. Hopelessly in love with these thugs and sorry dudes. Trying to make them be my boyfriend, the best guy for me and my dad too. Ofcourse they werent. Not dad in general but like my dad. I was just living alone with no guidance. I had a lose sense of reality. I had no idea how to deal with anything. My mother never talked to me, she was just real nice to me. She was at work 90% of the time. My real father wasnt around much cuz I was a growing into a woman and I didnt think I had that much in common with my father at the time. I didnt feel secure enough to talk to my sister. I thought she would tell and we didnt really have deep conversations then. I was very mature growing up...I was always the youngest around in my crowd. 

    I remember talking about marriage and sex with my step sister the summer of 5th grade lol! She was very mature then too and still is. She's now a journalist in grad school in NYC. We dont talk' even though she has my email and everything. I guess since we lost touch for so many years, she dont bother to reconnect now. My step dad wanted nothing to do with her. She's actually really pretty too and black but so assertive and spoiled too. He also had a kid outside his marriage to my mother while they were still married. He wanted nothing to do with this child(boy) either. I had found out when I was like 13 that this boy was on my mother's insurance too. I was like ??? what...I couldnt do nothing but shake my head. F! that. He's not on there now though. His mother use to call our house sayin she was going to sue if my step dad didnt pay child support. This woman had 6 kids by 6 different men too. She threated us too if we didnt show up in court. She was just plain crazy. The boy was cute too. He came over our house once for like 30 minutes to meet his dad. He was all crying too saying his dad didnt love him. I just went to my room. I aint have time for no mo drama sorry. I felt sorry for the poor kid but aint no tellin what his mother set him up for' and the real reason he was cryin cuz once he seen my nintendo...oh' he was fine! My step dad doesnt even care or realize the anxiety and things he's caused on me and my family. I just leave it alone. I will just let God handle it....