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Thursday May 23, 2002

Man Problems Just Fuckin Suck Stink... I think the reason why it is so difficult to move on for both of us is because neither one of us did anything horrendous to each other' that the other can latch on to as justification for severing all ties; we didn't cheat on each other,he was in love with "who" I was, he never hit me...he never called me a bitch and sure as hell aint callin' me no n*gger. I know one would say, how can you know exactly what hes thinkin'? Can you read his mind? I cant...but I can say Ive known him long enough to know him and thats definitely not in alignment with his character.

So why did we break up? Originally I had two reasons: Xavier and sex. We had to stop havin' sex so we could stop the relationship. -Sex C said to me' "when you said you dont think of "oh look at her azz, look at her...blah,blah,blah" when you make love to me, you said your not trying to just get your rocks off since you are in love with me...you do it because you love being as close as you can be to me physically,emotionally and spiritually at the same time...and knowing that about the woman you love drives you crazy...and making love to me isnt a position..its a feeling..."

As for Xavier, I felt like in the past year the tension and strength of the relationship has not expired.. C' fell in love with his son, he is actually his #1 fan. But C' always seemed so damned uncomfortable when I speak of my other kids fathers' like my 5 yr olds dad D'. D' swears up and down Xavier is his' and the test lied, C's jealous of him if I have any interaction with him even just talking on the phone, D's jealous of C period, and I aint about to have this kinda drama. Theyve both already been told. I mean what they jealous of? Me?? Then...Im definitely none of D's but I guess he's jealous of what C' can potentional get from me. I dont really understand all that man-ish. Then D' is sayin he's just another horny white man tryna run a sista fast. I was just like sigh...Whatever you wanna think' you go right ahead and be crazy like that cuz u aint changin a thang ova here. I mean Im not with him because he is white. I love who he is and the fact that he loves who I am and we understand each other and have a special connection,the way we connect is just undescribable. He's so sweet to me and very cool and such an individual. If he was black, Id be with him so...whatever. Its not like Im all in love with you that I cant see straight and we gotta be lovy dovy 24/7 makin eyes at each other haha..its not like that. We jus mad cool' and there for each other now. Im afraid tho' if we get any closer we are going to develop a brother/sister relationship and Im not sure if I want that hehe *halo* jk!

I was like you dont even know him, thats just what you want to assume. I said I will let you think that tho' because I could care less then it just got really ugly. He said he started gettin all rowled up and takin in all these thug terms about how he was gonna do this and that if he seen him again. I just hung up...why argue with someone when they aint even lettin' you get a word in and they going crazy and cussin' every other word. I couldnt let C' know a word of our discussion. C' is a bit jealous but he aint tryin to do nothing outrageous or crazy. Yeh I know, D' is all thuggish and grew up in a broken troubled home so I dont really expect him to be like "Alrighty guys lets talk this over". But whatever'...they aint about to have me half crazy over this either. D' has some serious anger control problems from not having anyone in his life, no one period. When we were together...he was even younger, so it was worse. He's gotten a bit better but he still has a lot of room for growing still. Nothing was good about our relationship and I didnt even see that back then cuz I was even younger than he was by far.D' didnt want to do anything in the relationship to make it work.

Where D's logic fails- and I'm well aware of this- is that (admittedly) to make a relationship work, you do have to sacrifice and compromise, participate in give and take etc. But drawing the line between compromise and concession is something he just haven't figured out how to do yet. When shit gets complicated- he bails. He says we broke up because I complained too much. Okay so I guess I shouldnt complain about how he totally took advantage over me as a 14 year old, how the only time we didnt really argue was when we were having sex, how he wanted to know where I was at-at all times and I couldnt know where he was at, how he would smoke weed right infront of our daughter and she would get high by just watching him and he was so high that he stopped watching her and I come to pick her up and as I hold her pee comes out the side of her pamper because he was so messed up he hasnt bother to change her pamper or feed her (because she ate like some starved homeless person when I fed her) and he kicks me out the house callin' me everything but a saint, the time he took my address book and poured water all over it and let the ink run because he thought I had some guys # in it which I did but they were simply friends, all the times he cheated on me or put his hands on me as old as he was compared to me but oh I wont complain *sarcasm*. I just got tired of his ways, and eventually pushed me away from him to let him go his merry way basically! The funny thing is he acts like he knows what time it is and will be all cool to his friends and anyone else other than me. I just dont get it and I dont care anymore. He was forever calling me a nerd and wack because I didnt think it was cool to smoke weed, drink and have sex for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

He was just a thug though, a ol' hardcore thug straight outta the hood. Like the hip hop conscious rapper Common said, "A thug is a man with a lost mind." Dont get me wrong, some thugs are just cool and laidback and not trying to harass nobody. I said thugs, not ruffnecks necessarily. I gots mad luv for any of my peoples who aint hatin or/and tryin to have somebodys goal and do something with their life. Racism is why thugs exist. Racism is the struggle of black america which links many things directly, indirectly and subtly. It all ties down to that and education but then again education can be tied to racism too. Thugs are acting out through the racism and oppression. It amazes me how black people always see the light at the end of the tunnel and will try to turn a negative into a more positive thing and try to work with it. There's a lot of love in the hood too, some very good hearted, nice people there because Ive met several. Okay, how did I get off subject here? but...D' lives his own life and I live mine. Ive so moved on from him but through our shared daughter, we still communicate. I will have to try my hardest to color in that half of her life that is not there. A man who should set an example for her so she will know which one to pick out when she gets older. Honestly I dont want my girls dating until they are 17 but that is another journal entry hehe...

     I am now a mother of three and I am very careful as to who walks into my life now because they also walk into my childrens life too. I also hope one doesnt think I have men around my kids like walls in a house. 9 times outta 10...these guys come and go...cuz they young guys (23-27) what can one expect ya know??? They find out they aint gettin' none so they bounce. Most of them who have tried to maintain'...never got past a 60 second kiss. I could see myself dating maybe 1-2 of them longterm if things turn that way, it's just that as adorable and young (ok ok, so they're my age- but I'm used to dating older men) as some are- I don't think either has any serious interest in me. If either of them asked me out again I'd accept gladly, but my gut instinct just says that they are both probably just interested in me in that very flirty back that thang up' friendship way- who knows, maybe one will prove me wrong ;-) However, They see I have 3 kids so they dont want to get serious. They cant come to my house right away because my family doesnt know my business' and for them to just see a guy coming over and knowing my past' (when they dont even know me, as present) that can be quite a bit to chew. So in respects to them, I dont let them come over really. Another thing I dont want them to meet my kids and my kids have to see mommy with a new guy' each time. Also I really dont even have much of a social life and Im okay with that for now. These guys consume less than 10% of my time, believe that. Until they can prove to be more worthy. Im so busy with school right now that Im really not lookin'. I dont wanna sound real rude and say' look get lost...lol. I do sorta have a problem with the N' word. No not that N' word...but that one syllable that I prolly learned to perfection at age 2'.."no". Im working on it. You would understand if you read my journal entry from 5.16.02 about my step dad. Anyways, I certainly don't want any of these men to be a new father to my kids, I would expect somethings from them.. I expect any man I am with to understand that they are my heart and must be treated with nothing less than lots of patience/love, a 3some that is 3-the-hard-way, mischievous, contrary, hard-headed, coy and all that comes with it- and when they start actin' up, I don't want a man to take it selfishly as an annoyance or be impatient,cold and irresponsible toward them. This has a lot to do with why I dont want to get married besides other reasons listed in my journal entry from 5.16.02 So, dont think for one hot minute that I am runnin' around like some lady in France! This choosy lover is under a new management, that started oh' a few moons ago...

Part of me wishes there had been some glaring WRONG done to me by C' it seems it'd be easier that way to let go. I can't help but compare this relationship to the one that immediately before it when I actually was with D'. D' would just intentionally try to hurt my feelings sometimes. Like, nobody cares about you and nobody is going to care for someone with 3 kids so young. C' hates it when I say this- but I am 21 years old, and I DO feel like nobody cares sometimes. I just dont sometimes. Nobody = my immediate family. They care about my needs but my wants, desires, goals and thoughts on life? They seem to not care. I know they are busy trying to make ends meet and dealing with things in their life. My family works really hard. They are good peoples but they have never had the opportunity and time to prepare for their desires,dreams,wants and goals. So I guess me saying it, either makes them hurt, a little jealous and thinking Im in the clouds with that one. So I dont speak to them about it anymore. They are more of the line of thinking, you need to finish school (I will be the first one in my immediate family to do so) and get a job and raise your kids, and stop being foolish with your dream yada yada talk. I have this conversation with A' all the time. When you tried' and tried' cried' til your eyes were fried'...Eh, maybe not fried but ya know.. Why bother? Everyone is NOT your soulmate. Everyone is NOT for you. Everyone is in your life for a reason and is not in your life for a reason.Some relationships have to end so you can grow. Inevitably, trying to force something that isn't working on its own will make it much worse.

    Though my son's father was my first relationship were both of us were in love and having sexual relations, our relationship was the first to have a serious longlasting impact on my life (as we do have a child together), and that was my ONE drama-filled relationship that didnt end on ruff ends between me and he.. I got enough drama in that couple of years to last me a lifetime. Thanks A' for all your counseling through my journey. And I apologize, to my past and future boyfriend(s)- but when I see drama coming, I break out. I have too much else going on in my life, with school,kids, family and the like- to let a non-working relationship dominate my time and energy right now. I dont like to leave things in the air but until people can calm down and talk like adults I do. Although, Im usually the one who orchestrates the talking.

    Right on cue, A' called last night- and really helped to get my mind off of somethings *smile*

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