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 About | Archives | 4 Seasons

Sunday May 5, 2002

A nite on the Town'....So I finally got off my tail and got my hair fixed (styled,etc) Thursday night. It was my first perm and first time getting my hair styled professionally so-to-say in three LONG months-- so much for the plan to go , NOT. I go it did at home. I can't afford the salon right now, and I'm not speaking to my so-called friend (the cosmotologist who usually does my hair free); coincidentally, I haven't spoken to him in- who would've guessed it- three months, and I'm not about to start! Yes my hair suffered from my boycott of my associate friend, but he did a really good job. The mane is truly bouncin' and behavin' like I like it to. There's no particular style- but it's bone straight, just the way I like it. How I love the looks of a fresh do. I'm so glad to be growing it out. I can't wait for my hair to grow past my shoulders again. Having my hair looking like I like it plus this "sun-kissed" summer tan of mine just does wonders for my overall disposition. I don't place my self-worth in exterior markers alone, but when I look good- I feel good. And when I feel good- I look good. And it was high-time I stopped pulling all this hair of mine into that damned doggone rubber band and got it straightened. On the list of things that are going awry in my life, I can at least cross "hair" off the list- for now.

Last night I went downtown to Urban Exposure, for a great treat, and I went by myself. I know most females dont dare to party alone. I didn't start out alone, but by the time I got there I was; I didn't stay that way long, but (you know me and my willpower) I went home alone too. I happen to get a hold to free passes to the Urban Exposure for that particular night and I was suppose to meet someone there who STOOD me up. So yes I was kinda pissed but whatever' I was already there from driving for 35 mins. I did feel akward watching everyone else at first cuz Im a woman and being out alone. (Out as in going out' not out of the closet). I tried to use the ol celli' to see if he was running late but he aint even answer. Could it all be because we discussed too much before going out? He wanted me as his girl. I wanted to take things much slower and I wasnt looking to do anything but enjoy the nite' and call it at nite in my own bed alone. I just wanted to be friends, Ive forever got along better with guys than females. Girls are envious a lot and hatas a lot too in my experiences that is' but Ive also ran into some cool azz down chicas who were sweethearts too. Then as Im trying to make judgement as to go inside the building or leave, my cell phone rings. Its him. He says he will meet me inside and he asked me what I had on so I could easily be spotted. Okay hes suppose to be 20 mins away and Im inside. Ive been inside for almost an hour. I call him back and he said he was goin to his homeboys house first. So I thought man...F! it I'll jus see you if you ever decide to stop making this harder than it really is. On the phone he kept tryna flirt way too much or too directly I should say before going out. I aint wanna be his girl or his screw for the night. So I think he was like Im not going out with you and spend money and then not get none at the end of the nite. He was my age, so I guess it figures. Young gun, young tender, whatever you wanna call it. I was thinking, Im sorry baby but you gonna have to come with a better game than that. Thats so young...He should of obviously be able to tell that there was more to me than sex. I guess he wasnt ready for that yet. So I guess he will be missing out. I just wanted to go out and kick it. See what Im like first ya know. It was his idea in the first place. I swear I've ran into more than my fair share of geeks. See if he just wanted some ass why aint he go on his merry way and get that. Instead of tryna waste my time like that. Sigh' make up your mind child. I aint tryin to give him the skins oh so fast, great things are neva easily feasible. Its very risky to get down so fast also. The Dallas Mavericks (NBA team in the 2nd round of playoffs right now! Go Mavs hehe) were still in town and in the same spot as I, they didn't leave til yesterday morning for Cali to play their opponents the Sacramento Kings. So I wasn't surprised to run into the few single NBA players prowlin', chillin' and hangin out wit they boys'. One of their staff members as he calls it aka *whispers* water boy, tried to holla' at me. We wound up partying together all night, me and three huge hilarious ball players, jumping from subject to subject in the friendly atmosphere created. Shortly then disappearing in their black over-sized SUV truck and a custom-fitted burgundy Escalade that- even though it couldn't fit in any one parking space comfortably- actually looked tiny with them stuffed into it, all the while not paying for drinks or cover (even though if anyone could afford to pay their own way- they could- I'll never understand that-I say they should pay up cuz if they dont pay for it we ultimately do somehow). It was the funniest thing, while we were sitting around outside talking after the last club had closed, two strippers got in an all-out fight in the parking lot over [one of them]- right there in front of me. [One of them] jumped out to break it up and instructed me to hold his keys, which I gladly did- His friend took pictures of me in his big black truck (think a rappas video car for visual) while the girls fought outside and most of them just laughed or shook their head in disgust.

I had a really good time hanging out with them, and even though none of us are trying to "hook up" there was definitely attraction from both sides, you know,"sexual tension". And that's cool, everyone's ego gets stroked, no one gets their feelings hurt. Now me? I don't even dance with men period (no, not ever unless asked to dance with them), much less dote or fawn on them; I don't bring them drinks, I don't sit in their laps, I dont throw myself at no one; and I sure as hell ain't fightin' over no negro (all of which I see the other girls doing). No, I'm not a tease, and as much as I wish I had the balls I'm just not a groupie, not hardly, but I can certainly be a subtle flirt, and I certainly have a preference for extra-long extra-strong manly bodied men. But all my preferences aside, it is still such a power trip to turn down a man's advances when all 75% of the other chicks in the VIP are (literally) peeling off their panties for them. Oh, my sisters...patience. Money,glamor, and material does not rule me sorry. They think they are doing something for getting to spend the night in a lake-front mansion? They should try the ego-trip from being wined and dined all weekend at the lake and then coming to the reality of knowing that they have plenty of women besides you to be with so why give them what any of the other women can? Try to give them something the others cant be smarter than the competition. Also not even knowing what your going home with that you didnt leave with..ahem we wont even go there! Not to mention you are making a big decision about your reputation and integrity at state-now THAT's having game. Ladies,ladies,ladies...dont throw all your fruit in one bag and all your cards in the air. Life is about chance...but its also about patience and self-love and respect too. Dont you think you owe it to yourself and your creator.

(Now was THAT not the most obvious segue in the world?!?!) Guess who else I ran into last night? Well I'm not naming any names but this gentleman was all confused by my polite refusals. Now if he'd have come on this strong when I was a freshman and he was a senior in college there might have been a different ending to the story, but that's not what happened. And last night he looked (and smelled and sounded...) as good as ever, but despite it all, I'm not interested. Why? He says he will never go down on a girl LOL. We happen to have a convo that went THERE....yes! lol He was SO last spring. And I'm too busy to play his moma anyway! He said he needed a woman who wanted to be like his mama and be his mama all the time lol. I dont mind being Every Woman but I aint about to be jus like yo' mama and be her all the time. You take yo' mamas boy azz to her titties for all that back support like that. Geez...have a woman for qualities, I dont consider just like my mama always, a quality. I wish my girl could have come, we would have had some stories to share, but I couldn't stay in just 'cause she couldn't go. My hair was clean and I've been itchin' to slip in my new black body defining summer-ish dress with the spaghetti halter strap. Oh so sexy, but thats not why I liked it or chose to wear it. I just love the color and pattern of the dress and not to mention the PRICE!! I do love that the dress fits me so comfortable too. Like most things I own, I bought it months ago and it has sat collecting dust with the tags still on it until a night like last when there was no room in the budget for a new outfit and a quick search of the closet revealed a perfectly suitable never-worn dress, that- knowing me- will never get worn again. Yeah, I wish she (my laffin buddy) could have come, but I do enjoy going out alone sometimes. Hehe...not to sound like I have a huge social life cuz I do not. Im okay with that right now. I love being able to come/go when I'm ready, I love people-watching, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't also love people watching me. I love the attention that comes with going out alone, although it might not always be the safest endeavor. I only had two small glasses of Kamaikazee (mispelled?) though (on the house- OF COURSE!), so there was no drama- other than the fight I witnessed. I got in about 5am this morning, and now I've had my fill of partying for the month. It really was what I needed- not all I needed, not hardly- but it did me a world of good to get out and about for an evening. Lord knows moping around the house feeling unattractive and unwanted has never lifted anyone from a depressive episode, and it never will.

Saturday May 4, 2002

Pay Here Please. Everyday I fight a war against the mirror. I can't take the person starin' back at me. I'm a hazard to myself... Don't let me get me. I'm my own worst enemy. It's bad when you annoy yourself. So irritating. Don't wanna be my friend no more. I wanna be somebody else... Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe somethin. A day in the life of someone else? Cuz I'm a hazard to myself...Pink. I'm quoting Pink? Wow. Stop the presses. But I actually really feel these lyrics, as I am the undisputed queen of self-sabotage. *sigh*

A pastor said something along these same lines. He was talking about how great it is that in times of trouble God not only saves us from our enemies, but saves us from ourselves. And all I could do was nod. He said that it's not just a wonder that our enemies didn't destroy us, but for some of us, the real wonder is that we didn't destroy ourselves. I don't know if I nodded again, visibly at least, but I sure could identify- more than I wish I could. I really think I have a down-right paralyzing fear of success, of moving on, of... a lot of things. The latest casualty? Graduation. Summer 2003 ideally but more realistic to say Winter 2003 sigh.

Well, I will be there summer 2003, but I dont know if I will be graduating. I could graduate, I don't know if I should have, but I sure could have-- I ready to pay my graduation fees and ordered everything. Could've, should've, would've- the story of my life. Yes, much to my family's chagrin, I moved my graduation date- AGAIN. December 2003- and that's it- for real this time (there are like no more classes I could take even if I wanted to after that). It's not like I'm not doing well strictly due to academics, I'm hoping to graduate in the top 5% of my several thousand member class.

But- to make a much longer story somewhat shorter- I have some loose ends to tie up before I leave Texas, and I'm not leaving 'til I do just that. My family doesn't have to understand that, my friends don't have to understand that, but it's what I have to do. The thing is, as good as my grades are, sometimes I feel like such a fraud. I haven't worked as hard as I should have / could have. I don't feel like I have earned the patience that my loved ones have shown me, but they know my heart and mind are sometimes not parallel, for i.e. worldly frustrations trying to eat me up. Now I have the Musiq song in my head. I believe it is called "Half Crazy". Its his latest song out now. I was like nooo....not tired slow singing Musiq but I love his lyrics though and the way he vibes in his songs...you can tell his expressions are genuine. The song has been playing in my head like a broken record today. It so reminds me of my situation with my sons father. I wanna just be friends but I love this man something horrible like a soulmate. I guess you cannot control love even though we going on our separate ways and doing our own things. He's too good to me and his challenge is much pleasant and not dramatic or wrong. Im trying my best to gather myself and walk away from the deep love I have for him still. Although it will just take time...Thank goodness he is a million miles away, so I can really try to move on.

Here it is, the last day of class for the semester, and true to form I am scrambling left and right to finish up shit that should have been tended to months ago. Yes I had a LOT going on this semester, but still- WHY in my third-ish year of college am I still playing this foolish procrastination game?! The sad part is, it's not just when it comes to academics that I feel an imposter. I am always talking about how no one knows me, the real me, when the rest of the story is that for those who have really wanted to know me and those who have earnestly tried to know me- I haven't let them. When a man gets too close- I cut him off. When a girlfriend gets too close- I shut her out. When a family member gets too close (to close to me, to close to the truth...)- I sever ties. In its own warped way, that strategy has worked for me- kinda- up until now. But I just don't think it's working any longer.

Maybe its the lack of a strong male figure in my life who should of been my father. Maybe its the lack of a strong close relationship of a woman figure in my world which should of been my mother. My father is the greatest man I know or heard of...My mother is the most loving woman I know and heard of but none of them were in my life much due to their on call life duties such as working so very much and hard to keep clothes on me and my mouth fed and give me a few nice things. My father was out of my life when I needed him most, during my teen years and young adult life. My mother was never in my life again once she met my step father when I was almost age 5. I dont think they consciously made the decision to not be in my life. I understand my my mother has worked so very hard in her life and faced many obstacles in her life. However, she's always trying to show me love the best way she knows how. Her day can be turned upside down and she will never take it out on me. We can have company over and she will be the happiest person and it will be 12am and it will be me and her in the kitchen alone...and she will be the same happy person. Thats what I love about my mother. Although she unintentionally brushes me away and doesnt know I run away to hide my tears. I wish we did have a relationship. I think a close mother-daughter relationship is the most beautiful relationship in the world. I try my best to bite my tongue when I want to speak on it because Im usually frustrated and when Im frustrated...the words dont come out as they were conceived in my mind. A lot of people are so lost in life because their parents were not there for them as they were facing this crazy, stereotypical, evil,confusing and backstabbing world.

Right about now I am operating on auto-pilot. It's a role I am all too familiar with. You know the drill: put on a happy face, never let them see you sweat or cry. So I play my part, all smiles, all laughs, my usual easy-going personable extrovert energetic "hard-working" self. Oh and I nod and smile when they say 'She's- she's so strong. You know she's a young single parent? And a college student? Yes, she's gonna be somebody, you know. And she's this...? Oh she's so strong, so strong..." Frankly, I'm sick and tired of being the strong one. For once I want to be weak. I want to peel back the masks and reveal the broken... frightened... violated... struggling... tender... little girl that- sometimes- I really still am. I honestly believe that the first step in healing (what all I need to heal from would be another years worth of entries) and becoming whole, is acknowledging the hurt and also acknowleding all of me.

Thank God for Oprah. She doesnt realize how much of an angel she has been in so many peoples lives. She's touched so many with her wisdom and warmth of her heart. Her ordinary, understandable ways and educated views are so comforting and refreshing to my soul. I would love to work for her someday but she noted recently that she is giving up her day job when the contract is over in 2004 *sad face*. I still would love to meet her to just give her a hug and tell her that she is my angel. That is if Im able to mouth it out. Im sure I will be soaked in tears. I truly feel she was heaven sent.

This might sound foolish- but I feel like there are parts of me that have never met, that I've never allowed to coexist, that I've kept separated to maintain a semblance of sanity. But it's time to put me back together- if I ever really was, because the lines between those isolated parts of me are starting to blur. I cry at sappy commercials, I break down at traffic lights, I have nightmares that wake my son up in a panic- the lines are blurring. For many years I've exerted all of both my conscious energy and my subconscious might into repressing and suppressing things that are now rearing their ugly heads. I am being told and shown that I can't go on this way- ignoring my truth, my past, my reality. It's hard as hell to keep this front alive, and sometimes I swear I just want to let it all go, all the posing and posturing, and break down...
l o u d l y . . .
p u b l i c l y . .
v i o l e n t l y . . .

My hair is a mess. My bedroom is a mess. My family is a mess. My car is a mess. My relationship is a mess. My house is a mess. My finances are a mess. My schoolwork is a mess. Sometimes I feel like... my life... is... a... mess. It is at times like these that I truly feel like a hazard to myself. Please God, don't let me get me...


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