:: ||:::Four Corners:::|| ::

:: Welcome To Four Corners. ||:::Four Corners:::|| :: picture: Coming Soon | 3 2 1contact | ::
CORNER definition-the angular part or space between meeting lines, edges, or borders near the vertex of the angle
VERTEX definition-the intersection of two endpoints, connection or togetherness as one
KANDI definition, all but not limited to'.female. 21. 5'4 . black italian mix. college junior. mother. conscious. daughter. liberalist. sista now in the dirty, dirty south. teacher. poet. student. chosen one. ambitionist. compassionate. sensitive. individual. intellectual. gentle. open minded. kind. unique. urban. benevolent. humorous. spiritual. thinker. affectionate. lover. listener. observer. leader. fighter.
[...Archive...]
[::..Linx..::]
:: [Cool girly clothes]
:: [Feminine Gear]
:: [Candles]
:: [janet]
:: [Janet-Jackson Forum:'Kay'is my nick on there]
:: [Under Construction:Aaliyah]
:: [Black Career Women]
:: [Black Living]
:: Cant Find Out Whats Coming On?
:: [Black Excel]
:: [Upload online pictures without a webpage]

:: 5.10.2002 ::




Friday, May 10, 2002

"Drop your glasses, shake your asses..."




It's about 3am Thursday night Friday morning. I am tired as hell and I'm sure if/when I laid down I'd pass straight out. But that's the problem, I'm scared that if I go to sleep I'll oversleep- and I can't let that happen. So we went to the club last night, and we got there mad early like 10pm. No one was there, but I swear all I did was blink and the place was packed. I gotta confess, having not been to young (18 and up) ghetto clubs in a minute, I really forgot how much of an ego-boost that thing can be. No disrespects to them cuz I have no real reason to anyways been there! done that...already. When we got there we were both glad we dressed down, jeans and cute lil simple shirt, because actually it was us that stood out over all the young guns and young hoochied-out sisters. (I'm not knockin' the dressing up, I do that time to time; but I ran into B and he did make a point to tell me that you know a woman really looks good when she looks good with jeans a white shirt and no make-up- he made me blush!) My God. Dude after dude swearing you are the most beautiful thing he's ever seen- some of them even sober. Sober. Hmm. Speaking of which- my very own sibling (sister) is so NOT sober. As I type she is passed out drunk on my couch downstairs. Poor thing. She is really a beautiful person and cool gal but she can toss it up sometimes. I? I dont really enjoy drinking to the point where I get drunk or even tipsy. Two drinks is plenty for this belly. My sista is always encouraing me to have 'one' drink to loosen me up some. She always tells me she dont try to get drunk, she's like it just creeps up on ya sometimes. I actually think someone may have slipped her something- 'cause I've never seen her like this and we each only had like 2-3 drinks and I am fine. Although she had the balls audacity to try this drink called Purple Muthaf'ka lol. I told her you throw that one back and your going to witness seeing your insides all over this place. Oh, but my pants are NOT fine. My brand new studded/jeweled jeans are in the washing machine cause she vomitted all over them. Poor me. I wish she had lasted a little longer, 'cause the night turned out lovely. I chilled in the VIP for a while with S, my sisters associate friend who is fine as L! get out and who (this is the funny part) I see at least 5x a year but always thinks it's the first time he's meeting me. Dude smoked too much weed when he was at California, for real. But all the weed in the world couldn't turn him ugly. My my. He's too busy concentrating on still being nothing more or less than a freakin friend. He already told me he wanted to spread whip cream all over me and eat him a sondae. Can you believe he told me that? How bold lol! I mean what did he expect me to say after that. "Oh yes bebe, take me now..." lmao I think...NOT! He really dont even know me. He's so freakin conceited that he thinks he can do and say anything. See thats where he loses my membership. I dont want to just have sex then "cya when I cya" bullshit. F! that mess man. I deserve and want more...if Im going to be sharing a very sacred part of me with you. All the cockyness has to go too...That ish aint cute. Its rather annoying. Like Aaliyah said, extraaaa...extraaa...extraaa' Said he wanna be' Said he tryna be...Girlfriend you hit it right on the *euro accent* head! But that was short-lived, I was bored, and I was done drinking, and I had to keep checking on my drunken'd sista. One cool thing that happened though was that when I was going to find the public restroom (YUCK! those are so gross) and some girls were in there talkin' about how so-and-so was givin them the eye and said they were cute and wanted to bone later,etc. They were happily engaging in this conversation too. Boy...way too many youngins' there. I felt too grown there. The crowd was like mostly 18-20 years old. We had no idea it was goin down like that until we got there. Then I ran into some ol' thuggy wannab white boy who tried to holla at me. And why was he all in my face but not saying nothing?! I guess he was tryin to be all thuggish and sh*t and let me know he like me. Psh whateva'...get the L outta my face man, I dont know you. I didnt say that but I thought it lol. I just looked at him like who are you?!! Then he gets right in my ear because the music is so loud that it has both our heads ringin...and says hey shorty whats your name mah'. I told him and he asked me to dance. I declined cuz it was too packed on the dance floor and I didnt feel like sweatin' and gettin all hulled out lookin so fast. I didnt really wanna dance with him either. For like a good 5 minutes he was tryin to hold a conversation with me but it was hard with the loud music and all the booty,titty and leg watching he was doing around the club. Not to mention, he walked away and pretended he accidently touched my rear but oh believe me, it wasnt no dang accident. I hate it when guys act so immature. I was so ready to be gone from that place. The club smelled like weed and funk-on-ya...cuz it was so small and too cramped in there. I literally could not walk one step without saying' CUSE ME,cuse..me! That was screwed anyway 'cause they said on the radio that the first 50 cats were free and I KNOW there weren't 50 people in there when we got there (yes they were pushing the limits of the firecode eventually- but not when WE got there!); plus the dudes working the door were so nasty towards me and my sister as we were leaving. Just had to ignore them. I didnt know that you only had to be 18 to get in I wouldn't even have gone. We thought we were goin' out with grown folks. Oh well. I'm gonna go take a hot shower and finish watching Queens Of Comedy. Ive seen da Kangs' as Stevie Harvey puts it but I aint seen the Queens yet. Bernie Macs part was not funny though, I thought DL Hugley was the funniest. Hes hilarious always in stand up. Jaimee Fox should of took Bernie's spot. Hes off the hook in standup comedy aka his standup he did on HBO last Feb. 2002 had me dyin laffin joke by joke lol! I really need to go check on my lil' sleeping beauties again. My son is sleeping with his lil stuffed animal its a frog and he still manges to think its a doggy. Im going to cut it short and call it a nite soon...no time to 'get-away' and go online. Im dead tired. Ive been up on the move since 5:30am and its like 3:20am now. My poor sista, she's gotta work tomorrow. She didn't plan on spending the night with me and gettin wasted but at least she safe at home now and was out with me. Someone who is truly watching her back for the better. We had some great laughs on the way to the club tho'. That girl is so sarcastic and crazee (as in haha not insane now)...she cracks me up a lot. She's always clownin me infront of her friends...tryna make me look like the dumb one and the nerd as she calls me infront of them. I dont mind cuz I know shes jus messin wit me and it be funny...so we all laff about it. I really would like to ask her whats going on cuz she's been draggin her feet lately and kinda snappy too...like sometimes bothering her. So I offered the suggestion that we should go do something together. To release some steam in a good way and seize the day. She is really drunk tho'...she just went in her room and laid across the bed and is snoring. She aint even take a shower...or change clothes. She still has her shoes on too lol. Poor thing. She only snores when she has been drinkin' alot. Snoring is a breathing disorder actually. It has something to do with the improper flow of oxygen to the brain. I learned it in psychology class once. You know I have been in an awesome mood all day. Kinda outta the ordinary mood I hate to say. When I went to this nice grocery store I like to go to, the cashier there asked me if I ever stopped smiling- and I told him no, not when things are going as well as they are right now. He asked why are they going so well- and I just kept smiling. The reason I am feelin' so joyed is because I might get this scholarship Ive been so dyin' to get. Anyone remember watchin the Road Rules series where they were at sea on the boat?? Like back in 2000' I wanna say...I dont watch the show now. Its pretty much dead now a days. Well those college students on aboard' where all basically there thru a scholarship. Its a really unique and educating experience...to travel to different cultures around the world by a big cruise boat and get paid and wined' and dined' and get to do lectures on controversial issues facing different cultures...Only this time, MTV wont be present to film and document it and turn it into a television reality show. I would love to have the experience to meet up with some intelligent minds and share and exchange valuable knowledge. That is one of the many goals...on my itinerary.


:: Kay . 3:11:39 PM [+] ::
...


WTH....



So I'm sitting here multitasking: doing laundry, cleaning out my email, making sense of my hair, waiting for him to call, and watching the Cosby Show reruns. Soon as commerical came, I flipped thru the channels to see if anything half way good was on the tv. I passed by the long aired game show based in Los Angeles, The Price Is Right. When they called down the first four players, the last thing I hear Rod Roddy call out is: Ecstasy Apple Shawonte Williams- come on down! All I could do was shake my head, I didn't even have to look up, you knew homegirl was a sister. Ecstasy? Apple? Shawonte? Um, can we say her mama need her azz beat?! lol That's right up there with the girl from my 9th grade Social Studies class, no lie, her name was: La'Na'Ta'tasha Qua'love Funderburk. That's not a typo, count 'em for yourself: three apostrophes in the first name. But ECSTASY?! Damn shame I tell ya, damn shame.


PS- Sorry to anyone out there named Ecstasy or La'Na'Ta'tasha- it's not your fault! But I just at this hospitals website to see my cousins new and first baby and I came across a new baby boy Homer Heche Boone Lafoon, which I think is even worse. HOW do you love your son and name him that?! I don't get it. But I'm glad to know occasionally white people fall off their rocker when it cames to naming babies too; I'm very relieved to know it's not just a black cultural phenomenon, bestowing outrageous names on a poor innocent beautiful angles- it oughta be a crime I tell ya. Nonetheless, I have ran into a lot of beautiful names in the black culture artistic choice of names. I was going to name my daughter a made up name. She was going to be called Dalvenisha but it got changed to Armani. I happen to think they both sounded very cute. I guess only a mother knows how and why to name their own child but...


PS- It gets even better! Ecstasy just spun the big wheel and said she wanted to say hello to her daughter back home, Birthday. Birthday?! She don' lost her damn mind and for your little girl? I know my understanding' is ocean thick but come on now! I love unique names but dont ova do it babes. I know common plain jane names are just not colorful enough (no offense to the plain jane party :) but STOP the MADNESS!!! Oops! Gotta cut this rant short- the phone just rang, and would you looky what I seeee on the caller-ideeee....mmhmm.



:: Kay . 12:25:15 PM [+] ::
...


A nite on the Town'....




So I finally got off my tail and got my hair fixed (styled,etc) Thursday night. It was my first perm and first time getting my hair styled professionally so-to-say in three LONG months-- so much for the plan to go "natural", NOT. I go it did at home. I can't afford the salon right now, and I'm not speaking to my so-called friend (the cosmotologist who usually does my hair free); coincidentally, I haven't spoken to him in- who would've guessed it- three months, and I'm not about to start! Yes my hair suffered from my boycott of my associate friend, but he did a really good job. The mane is truly bouncin' and behavin' like I like it to. There's no particular style- but it's bone straight, just the way I like it. How I love the looks of a fresh do. I'm so glad to be growing it out. I can't wait for my hair to grow past my shoulders again. Having my hair looking like I like it plus this "sun-kissed" summer tan of mine just does wonders for my overall disposition. I don't place my self-worth in exterior markers alone, but when I look good- I feel good. And when I feel good- I look good. And it was high-time I stopped pulling all this hair of mine into that damned doggone rubber band and got it straightened. On the list of things that are going awry in my life, I can at least cross "hair" off the list- for now.


Last night I went downtown to Urban Exposure, for a great treat, and I went by myself. I know most females dont dare to party alone. I didn't start out alone, but by the time I got there I was; I didn't stay that way long, but (you know me and my willpower) I went home alone too. I happen to get a hold to free passes to the Urban Exposure for that particular night and I was suppose to meet someone there who STOOD me up. So yes I was kinda pissed but whatever' I was already there from driving for 35 mins. I did feel akward watching everyone else at first cuz Im a woman and being out alone. (Out as in going out' not out of the closet). I tried to use the ol celli' to see if he was running late but he aint even answer. Could it all be because we discussed too much before going out? He wanted me as his girl. I wanted to take things much slower and I wasnt looking to do anything but enjoy the nite' and call it at nite in my own bed alone. I just wanted to be friends, Ive forever got along better with guys than females. Girls are envious a lot and hatas a lot too in my experiences that is' but Ive also ran into some cool azz down chicas who were sweethearts too. Then as Im trying to make judgement as to go inside the building or leave, my cell phone rings. Its him. He says he will meet me inside and he asked me what I had on so I could easily be spotted. Okay hes suppose to be 20 mins away and Im inside. Ive been inside for almost an hour. I call him back and he said he was goin to his homeboys house first. So I thought man...F! it I'll jus see you if you ever decide to stop making this harder than it really is. On the phone he kept telling tryna flirt way too much or too directly I should say before going out. I aint wanna be his girl or his screw for the night. So I think he was like Im not going out with you and spend money and then not get none at the end of the nite. He was my age, so I guess it figures. Young gun, young tender, whatever you wanna call it. I was thinking, Im sorry baby but you gonna have to come with a better game than that. Thats so young...He should of obviously be able to tell that there was more to me than sex. I guess he wasnt ready for that yet. So I guess he will be missing out. I just wanted to go out and kick it. See what Im like first ya know. It was his idea in the first place. I swear I've ran into more than my fair share of geeks. See if he just wanted some ass why aint he go on his merry way and get that. Instead of tryna waste my time like that. Sigh' make up your mind child. I aint tryin to give him the skins oh so fast, great things are neva easily feasible. Its very risky to get down so fast also. The Dallas Mavericks (NBA team in the 2nd round of playoffs right now! Go Mavs hehe) were still in town and in the same spot as I, they didn't leave til yesterday morning for Cali to play their opponents the Sacramento Kings. So I wasn't surprised to run into the few single NBA players prowlin', chillin' and hangin out wit they boys'. One of their staff members as he calls it aka *whispers* water boy, tried to holla' at me. We wound up partying together all night, me and three huge hilarious ball players, jumping from subject to subject in the friendly atmosphere created. Shortly then disappearing in their black over-sized SUV truck and a custom-fitted burgundy Escalade that- even though it couldn't fit in any one parking space comfortably- actually looked tiny with them stuffed into it, all the while not paying for drinks or cover (even though if anyone could afford to pay their own way- they could- I'll never understand that-I say they should pay up cuz if they dont pay for it we ultimately do somehow). It was the funniest thing, while we were sitting around outside talking after the last club had closed, two strippers got in an all-out fight in the parking lot over [one of them]- right there in front of me. [One of them] jumped out to break it up and instructed me to hold his keys, which I gladly did- His friend took pictures of me in his "big black truck" (think a rappas video car for visual) while the girls fought outside and (most of) the men laughed at them or shook their head in disgust.


I had a really good time hanging out with them, and even though none of us are trying to "hook up" there was definitely attraction from both sides, you know, "sexual tension". And that's cool, everyone's ego gets stroked, no one gets their feelings hurt. Now me? I don't even dance with men period (no, not ever unless asked to dance with them), much less dote or fawn on them; I don't bring them drinks, I don't sit in their laps, I dont throw myself at no one; and I sure as hell ain't fightin' over no negro (all of which I see the other girls doing). No, I'm not a tease, and as much as I wish I had the balls I'm just not a groupie, not hardly, but I can certainly be a subtle flirt, and I certainly have a preference for extra-long extra-strong manly bodied men. But all my preferences aside, it is still such a power trip to turn down a man's advances when all 75% of the other chicks in the VIP are (literally) peeling off their panties for them. Oh, my sisters...patience. Money,glamor, and material does not rule me sorry. They think they are doing something for getting to spend the night in a lake-front mansion? They should try the ego-trip from being wined and dined all weekend at the lake and then coming to the reality of knowing that they have plenty of women besides you to be with so why give them what any of the other women can? Try to give them something the others cant be smarter than the competition. Also not even knowing what your going home with that you didnt leave with..ahem we wont even go there! Not to mention you are making a big decision about your reputation and integrity at state-now THAT's having game. Ladies,ladies,ladies...dont throw all your fruit in one bag and all your cards in the air. Life is about chance...but its also about patience and self-love and respect too. Dont you think you owe it to yourself and your creator.


(Now was THAT not the most obvious segue in the world?!?!) Guess who else I ran into last night? Well I'm not naming any names but this gentleman was all confused by my polite refusals. Now if he'd have come on this strong when I was a freshman and he was a senior in college there might have been a different ending to the story, but that's not what happened. And last night he looked (and smelled and sounded...) as good as ever, but despite it all, I'm not interested. Why? He says he will never go down on a girl LOL. We happen to have a convo that went THERE....yes! lol He was SO last spring. And I'm too busy to plan his moma anyway! He said he needed a woman who wanted to be like his mama and be his mama all the time lol. I dont mind being Every Woman but I aint about to be jus like yo' mama and be her all the time. You take yo' mamas boy azz to her titties for all that back support like that. Geez...have a woman for qualities, I dont consider just like my mama always, "a quality". I wish my girl could have come, we would have had some stories to share, but I couldn't stay in just 'cause she couldn't go. My hair was clean and I've been itchin' to slip in my new black body defining summer-ish dress with the spaghetti halter strap. Oh so sexy, but thats not why I liked it or chose to wear it. I just love the color and pattern of the dress and not to mention the PRICE!! I do love that the dress fits me so comfortable too. Like most things I own, I bought it months ago and it has sat collecting dust with the tags still on it until a night like last when there was no room in the budget for a new outfit and a quick search of the closet revealed a perfectly suitable never-worn dress, that- knowing me- will never get worn again. Yeah, I wish she (my laffin buddy) could have come, but I do enjoy going out alone sometimes. Hehe...not to sound like I have a huge social life cuz I do not. Im okay with that right now. I love being able to come/go when I'm ready, I love people-watching, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't also love people watching me. I love the attention that comes with going out alone, although it might not always be the safest endeavor. I only had two small glasses of Kamaikazee (mispelled?) though (on the house- OF COURSE!), so there was no drama- other than the fight I witnessed. I got in about 5am this morning, and now I've had my fill of partying for the month. It really was what I needed- not all I needed, not hardly- but it did me a world of good to get out and about for an evening. Lord knows moping around the house feeling unattractive and unwanted has never lifted anyone from a depressive episode, and it never will.
peace out...!


:: Kay . 2:49:18 AM [+] ::
...


"Pay Here Please"



Everyday I fight a war against the mirror. I can't take the person starin' back at me. I'm a hazard to myself... Don't let me get me. I'm my own worst enemy. It's bad when you annoy yourself. So irritating. Don't wanna be my friend no more. I wanna be somebody else... Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe somethin. A day in the life of someone else? Cuz I'm a hazard to myself... -Pink . I'm quoting Pink? Wow. Stop the presses. But I actually really feel these lyrics, as I am the undisputed queen of self-sabotage. *sigh*


A pastor said something along these same lines. He was talking about how great it is that in times of trouble God not only saves us from our enemies, but saves us from ourselves. And all I could do was nod. He said that it's not just a wonder that our enemies didn't destroy us, but for some of us, the real wonder is that we didn't destroy ourselves. I don't know if I nodded again, visibly at least, but I sure could identify- more than I wish I could. I really think I have a down-right paralyzing fear of success, of moving on, of... a lot of things. The latest casualty? Graduation. Summer 2003 ideally but more realistic to say Winter 2003 sigh.


Well, I will be there summer 2003, but I dont know if I will be graduating. I could graduate, I don't know if I should have, but I sure could have-- I ready to pay my graduation fees and ordered everything. Could've, should've, would've- the story of my life. Yes, much to my family's chagrin, I moved my graduation date- AGAIN. December 2003- and that's it- for real this time (there are like no more classes I could take even if I wanted to after that). It's not like I'm not doing well strictly due to academics, I'm hoping to graduate in the top 5% of my several thousand member class.


But- to make a much longer story somewhat shorter- I have some loose ends to tie up before I leave Texas, and I'm not leaving 'til I do just that. My family doesn't have to understand that, my friends don't have to understand that, but it's what I have to do. The thing is, as good as my grades are, sometimes I feel like such a fraud. I haven't worked as hard as I should have / could have. I don't feel like I have earned the patience that my loved ones have shown me, but they know my heart and mind are sometimes not parallel, for i.e. worldly frustrations trying to eat me up. Now I have the Musiq song in my head. I believe it is called Half Crazy. Its his latest song out now. I was like nooo....not tired slow singing Musiq but I love his lyrics though and the way he vibes in his songs...you can tell his expressions are genuine. The song has been playing in my head like a broken record today. It so reminds me of my situation with my sons father. I wanna just be friends but I love this man something horrible like a soulmate. I guess you cannot control love even though we going on our separate ways and doing our own things. He's too good to me and his challenge is much pleasant and not dramatic or wrong. Im trying my best to gather myself and walk away from the deep love I have for him still. Although it will just take time...Thank goodness he is a million miles away, so I can really try to move on.


Here it is, the last day of class for the semester, and true to form I am scrambling left and right to finish up shit that should have been tended to months ago. Yes I had a LOT going on this semester, but still- WHY in my third-ish year of college am I still playing this foolish procrastination game?! The sad part is, it's not just when it comes to academics that I feel an imposter. I am always talking about how no one knows me, the real me, when the rest of the story is that for those who have really wanted to know me and those who have earnestly tried to know me- I haven't let them. When a man gets too close- I cut him off. When a girlfriend gets too close- I shut her out. When a family member gets too close (to close to me, to close to the truth...)- I sever ties. In its own warped way, that strategy has worked for me- kinda- up until now. But I just don't think it's working any longer.


Maybe its the lack of a strong male figure in my life who should of been my father. Maybe its the lack of a strong close relationship of a woman figure in my world which should of been my mother. My father is the greatest man I know or heard of...My mother is the most loving woman I know and heard of but none of them were in my life much due to their on call life duties such as working so very much and hard to keep clothes on me and my mouth fed and give me a few nice things. My father was out of my life when I needed him most, during my teen years and young adult life. My mother was never in my life again once she met my step father when I was almost age 5. I dont think they consciously made the decision to not be in my life. I understand my my mother has worked so very hard in her life and faced many obstacles in her life. However, she's always trying to show me love the best way she knows how. Her day can be turned upside down and she will never take it out on me. We can have company over and she will be the happiest person and it will be 12am and it will be me and her in the kitchen alone...and she will be the same happy person. Thats what I love about my mother. Although she unintentionally brushes me away and doesnt know I run away to hide my tears. I wish we did have a relationship. I think a close mother-daughter relationship is the most beautiful relationship in the world. I try my best to bite my tongue when I want to speak on it because Im usually frustrated and when Im frustrated...the words dont come out as they were conceived in my mind. A lot of people are so lost in life because their parents were not there for them as they were facing this crazy, stereotypical, evil,confusing and backstabbing world.


Right about now I am operating on auto-pilot. It's a role I am all too familiar with. You know the drill: put on a happy face, never let them see you sweat or cry. So I play my part, all smiles, all laughs, my usual easy-going personable extrovert energetic "hard-working" self. Oh and I nod and smile when they say 'She's- she's so strong. You know she's a young single parent? And a college student? Yes, she's gonna be somebody, you know. And she's this...? Oh she's so strong, so strong..." Frankly, I'm sick and tired of being the strong one. For once I want to be weak. I want to peel back the masks and reveal the broken... frightened... violated... struggling... tender... little girl that- sometimes- I really still am. I honestly believe that the first step in healing (what all I need to heal from would be another years worth of entries) and becoming whole, is acknowledging the hurt and also acknowleding all of me. Thank God for Oprah.


She doesnt realize how much of an angel she has been in so many peoples lives. She's touched so many with her wisdom and warmth of her heart. Her ordinary, understandable ways and educated views are so comforting and refreshing to my soul. I would love to work for her someday but she noted recently that she is giving up her day job when the contract is over in 2004 *sad face*. I still would love to meet her to just give her a hug and tell her that she is my angel. That is if Im able to mouth it out. Im sure I will be soaked in tears. I truly feel she was heaven sent.


This might sound foolish- but I feel like there are parts of me that have never met, that I've never allowed to coexist, that I've kept separated to maintain a semblance of sanity. But it's time to put me back together- if I ever really was, because the lines between those isolated parts of me are starting to blur. I cry at sappy commercials, I break down at traffic lights, I have nightmares that wake my son up in a panic- the lines are blurring. For many years I've exerted all of both my conscious energy and my subconscious might into repressing and suppressing things that are now rearing their ugly heads. I am being told and shown that I can't go on this way- ignoring my truth, my past, my reality. It's hard as hell to keep this front alive, and sometimes I swear I just want to let it all go, all the posing and posturing, and break down...


l o u d l y . . .
p u b l i c l y . . .
v i o l e n t l y . . .


My hair is a mess. My bedroom is a mess. My family is a mess. My car is a mess. My relationship is a mess. My house is a mess. My finances are a mess. My schoolwork is a mess. Sometimes I feel like... my life... is... a... mess. It is at times like these that I truly feel like a hazard to myself. Please God, don't let me get me...



:: Kay . 2:39:56 AM [+] ::
...


Intro Disclaimer:


Hi welcome I am starting something new. I was tired of the big hassel of maintaining a website with very little webpage knowledge as some might have never guessed! (joke) hehe. I am now here. I am however, not starting over with the information from my previous webpage sorry. I am just going to start where I left off. There really isnt a format to an average webpage. It is just whatever'...


It records many of my day-to-day thoughts such as experiences,poems,random thoughts,raps and analysis of both. Might not be quote, "the life" to you, but its my life. Its an online journal no longer masquerading as a long paged website with poor editing. It is a modified version of my daily. This keeps me straight It. forces me to look frankly at my thoughts and actions, and then to make better decisions. Its part of my reflection. This a huge risk that has nothing to do with you but has everything to do with me. This is NOT intended as a showcase for my web-design layout skills nor an all-inclusive newsletter about my life. It is not to embarrass the people I know and love (and those I don't). This not a a webpage were you can say I know that already because it is unique to me. It is my mental. I wont try to impress you, sorry. I won't mention people who've asked that I not. It isn't written to appease, please or entertain you. Im just trying to keep you well informed. You got all that?


Perusing these entries may give you some serious insight into my life, or it might tell you much more than you wanted to know. So before you go through them, please keep a couple of things in mind. First of all, I am not the young woman I was when I began this journal, and my entries reflect that. The tone, content, style and attitude has dramatically changed. Alright alright, enough with the disclaimers already: if you would like to comment (positive or negative), say wassup or whatever...feel free to anytime!



:: Kay . 12:57:29 AM [+] ::
...
:: 5.9.2002 ::


Intro Four Corners


Cor·ner `definition` - the angular part or space between meeting lines, edges, or borders near the vertex of the angle

kandi. female. 21. 5'4 . black italian mix. college junior. mother. conscious daughter. liberal sista now in the dirty, dirty south. teacher. poet. student. chosen one. ambitionist. compassionate. sensitive. individual. intellectual. gentle. open minded. kind. unique. urban. benevolent. humorous. spiritual. thinker. affectionate. lover. listener. observer.





3-2-1 contact. aim email






:: Kay . 7:51:23 PM [+] ::
...

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?