"To be, or not to be..."

I am a writer. I write incessantly. I have drawers and boxes and crates and trunks to prove it- napkins, diaries, parking tickets, receipts, clothing tags, food wrappers, binders- you name it, I've written on it (and more than likely saved it). This electronic medium provides a means for what is just the newest manifestation of the journal I've kept all my life- it's not complete, and it's not always appropriate for public consumption. The wealth of my being can't be confined to my words, but still my words are a crucial part of who I am. I said all that to say, of all the things I am, one that means quite a lot to me is being a writer...


I spent twenty years running- mainly running away from things (and situations... and people... and emotions)... rarely running to anything in particular... I was perpetually in an awkward sort of a static-dynamic (?!) state... I was neither here nor there... I was both coming and going... So where did that really put me? It put me right where(ever) I was: until I'd successfully left where I was leaving, and until (if ever) I got where I'm going- I'd always be right there: Suffice it to say, I'm not running anymore. The name didn't fit, so it had to go. I've still got lots of places to go before my journey is done, and lots of stops to make along the way, but I'm finally letting myself enjoy the journey itself, as much as the eventual destination...


I am a writer, but I do not tell "all" my business online. Believe it or not (ha) Since 1997, I have ventured online and since then it has been a regular part of my life. Part of my life. This journal matters to me, a lot actually, but not more than the people and events and ideas that inspire it. If you enjoy(?!) my journal, you should keep it in that same perspective. I don't want you to know all my "business", but I do want you to know me. I'd love for you to read my thoughts and find something that intrigues or relates to you- as has happened to me so many times. This is about me recording things I need to remember, analyzing things I can't forget; it's my outlet. It matters to me, but it is not the be all and end all of what is me...


Well, for starters, I really like to write/ read/ talk about myself. So this won't begin with the trite confession that "I never know what to say on these 'about me' pages..." On the contrary, I have a hard time gauging what not to say. I've got a pretty good grasp on what I wanted to do with my page. The basics: I am saved (I answer to Him, not you- my Christianity and Salvation are not on trial here). That said, I'm also- a really great mommy (to my 3 lil sweeties), a dedicated student most of the time sigh lol (business major), a pretty good friend, a so-so social life (but getting better everyday) and a better than decent sister/ daughter/ cousin etc. I'm finally 20 years old (no more fake id's for me lol jk), and though I'm quite content with my looks and body, I'm not quite as content with the rest of me. Come to think of it, I just might be my favorite subject...There is nothing painfully significant about my appearance that I don`t like because beauty is not one dimensionl to me but- other than the inexplicable fact that I am woefully unphotogenic (out of a role of 36, 1 pic might turn out decent), the absence of a prominent dent in my upper lip, the small cup size, and not having particularly pretty feet. But no one else has ever mentioned any of those things, and I think as far as imperfections go- everybody has them.


Children and guys' mothers adore me. I'm really knowledgable about things- sometimes I'm that annoying kind of irritating smart. (Ironically, I've noticed that it's only the really unwitty people who are antagonized by my intelligence.) Some of my "friends" and family say I`m lacking in the self esteem departments- but over time I've realized this is more a manifestation of their own insecurities than it is reflective of any real deficit on my part. I`m intelligent, real and proud, and I am not intimidated by people who are the same. I really prefer the company of like-minded educated people, and while knowledge/coolness status is not a prerequisite for companionship, it's an undeniable preference. I have every intention of dragging it (webpage) out as long as possible. I seem to have trouble picking out how to design the layout, but I do alright with whats here now. I do really well writing, and I plan on reachin out to anyone who's hand is open by the time I`m done with my website. If I could be a writer with stable job and good pay, I would...


Actually, I want to manage a network of data computers for a well respected company in the long run of things. God willing I'll be out of school and be working at a real job by the time I'm 23. Whatever I do, I want to live each day as honestly, healthily, and happily as I can. I'm going to be an excellent wife to someone if I ever decide to spend the rest of my life with that special someone out there like a needle in a hay stack. (I said I'll be an awesome wife) and I pray daily that God is preparing my husband (whoever, wherever he is) to be a Godly head of our household. I don't believe in soulmates or love at first sight; in the past I have loved both too hard and too soon. I really enjoy the company of attentive generous men, and in a relationship I behave much the same way. I do believe that God has destined me for greatness, both maritally and otherwise... I really like to win. In life, love, and most things in between, I am exhilerated by the chase, but when the hunt is over I bore very easily. I am excessively competitive, but I`m not very coordinated and I can be more than a tad bit clumsy. I can`t swim and I can`t sing but I have no inhibitions about doing either. I was always busy being paralyzed with fear. It has been a thrilling personal accomplishment for me to set aside my fears and frustrations and ride scary rides at Six Flags and to skydive ;-) and which I did do, and which has proven to me that I am not as much of a klutz as I always thought...


Like everyone else, I am far from perfect (but closer to it than most), and I have plenty of less than desirable qualities as well. Unintentionally, I seem to be really good at putting my foot in my mouth, making enemies, alienating and antagonizing folks, and other equally as socially inept taboos. All of that is ironic too, seeing as how I am a real people-person who can talk to and make friends with most anyone. I'm quite moody and impatient, and I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve as much as I do. I trust the wrong people too easily, and I don't trust the right people enough. I'm too bold and brash, brutally honest, have been accused of being condescending, annoying, patronizing (but rarely all at the same time), and I know I'm the queen of Freudian slips. I`m easily frustrated (I cry way too easily and often), impulsive, vain, indecisive and a huge procrastinator. There are tons of things that I do exceptionally well, but driving isn't one of them. What I have in the way of knowledge and the capacity to learn I probably lack in tact- but I'm getting much better about that. I`m not scared to speak my mind, but I often speak too soon and regret my haste...


I am generally pretty nice- but I also tend to abandon that niceness at too little provocation. I'm quite easily amused, but I'm not easily embarrassed. I can (and do) laugh at myself all the time. I really can have a grand time anywhere with anyone. I'm also the silliest cleverest wittiest person I know (but none too modest), tons of fun (most of the time), friendly, and really outgoing. Actually, "outgoing" doesn`t begin to describe me. Sometimes I get on my own nerves with it. I`m off the chart on the E side on the Extrovert vs. Introvert scales. But for all of that, when I come across one of the few people on the planet who intimidates me I tend to really withdraw. I am not opposed to drinking, but there isn`t much visible difference between me drinking and me not- my super silly mood if im hangin with my circle of close friends and we are in a never turning back silly mood!! lol.... When I am in a crowd or in the spotlight I tend to relish it...


I think I have a really healthy self-image and level of self-awareness. As my sister says, I am definitely the "expert on me". I am very real about what I am and what I am not, I am my own harshest critic and my own biggest fan. I know more than a woman my age should know; I`ve seen more than a woman my age should`ve seen. I`m a work in progress. You might like me, lots of people do! Then again, just as many don`t, and you might be one of them. Either way, I am a masterpiece in the making. Take me or leave me- it`s a package deal.

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