Conversations

Excepts of May  II

Conversations: Bedtime


LaShae: "Mommy, I like dogs and cats."
Me: "You do? what else do you like?
LaShae: "I like dogs and cats."
Me: "Oh? Do you want me to get you a dog and a cat one day?
LaShae: (long silence  and then-) "Uhhhh...yep"
Me: "Ok. You wanna know what I like?"
LaShae: "What?"
Me: "A little girl named LaShae." (kiss)
LaShae: (hysterical laughter) "Mommy- I pooted."
Me: "LaShae, you really know how to kill the mood."
LaShae: "Mommy- I pooted again."

        Top 10 Lessons Learned When Attending A 21 and Up Club

10) If you buy your outfit the day before at Express or Bebe- be prepared to see TEN other chicks rockin' it...
9) Girls shouldn't go out if they have to be somewhere early in the morning
8) Me: Don't wear my hair down- It'll get sweaty!
7) No matter how cold it is- leave the coat in the car!
6) If you wear open toed shoes your toes will get stepped on.
5) If dancing, dont let a guy straddle your leg over his shoulder
4) Dont participate in 3somes on the dance floor or aka the sandwich
3) Never walk around lookin' lost and then end up gettin' lost!
2) Make sure all your GIRLS leave their belonging in the car!.
1) No mattter how cute you are, the DUDES in the staff shirts WON'T let you back in once you leave!
and lastly...  Dont dance when you first arrive (you will be perspiring and looking tired after the first 5 mins)

"Single-Parent Dilemmas"



      Why did I even call him? Why didn't I leave goofy alone? Almost a full day later- I still don't know. I only called ' to chat for a moment, to see what summer plans were for our kid, and when he had to go 'cause he was cooking I was glad- keeps the phonebill down. I had to make this phone call in respects to our daughter. So how, after he im'ed me when he was done eating, did we wind up in a two hour sob-fest on the phone late last night. Why were we  fussing,blaming,clowning and apologizing and crying and fighting and who knows what else into the wee hours of the morning? Isn't this what I broke up with him to avoid? Isn't this why we are cut it "off"- because we could never get along.

        He is scaring me; he really is. And despite what he says, his current depressed and irrational state has not been precipitated by our break-up alone; there's way the hell more going on in his life than he is even willing to be honest with himself about. My dilemma: I don't want him to take my friendship and compassion as signs that I want our relationship to begin again, but I don't want my distance from him to be seen as a sign that I don't ever want a relationship for him and his daughter. All I know is I want no drama this summer. NONE. It is hard as hell to be there for my daughter and work through him  without letting him pull me down with him. As I know from experience, I can do bad myself- I don't need a man to help me do worse. Aint that right Mr.A'! *wink*

*sigh* In better news, We had a great dinner tonight- barbeque, broccoli with cheese, fresh corn on the cob,macaroni and cheese,big soft rolls,red velvet cake...and sweet ice tea, that was my contribution ;-) Even better than the food and spot it hit, was it talking to my 2' peoples who know me best who a spot too!  It is so easy for me to talk to them, and that is really rare for me. People might find that hard to believe- because I can talk to anyone, but not about anything or at least in public. I have to know someone for awhile' and see if Im feelin' their vibe and what kind of friendship they have to offer and is their mind right and their heart. It's rare, more rare than I'd like, that I find someone who is as good to talk to as they are to listen to and they are listening to me and understanding me. They are alla them. You know who you are *wink*

 

"Two Can Play At That Game" 



          My cuz tries to keep the kids for me sometimes to give me a break on Monday nights so I can be free for a moment... But without fail, I wind up keeping my son still. He hates to be separated from me. Last night I blew off going to the movies with this guy and watched "Two Can Play At That Game" with my sister since she still aint seen it yet. It was an okay movie minus the supposively funny guy in the movie. I cant recall his name but he's in a lot of black comedies always playing the stupid one! How he gonna get a serious role in Hollywood always being stupid and dumb in the movies lol.  Rarely do I get to see a "black" movie that isn't a "black" movie. Translation: it was written, produced, acted etc. by black people, but managed to avoid the sterotypical one-imaged perspective that have come to make many of our films so sad and redundant-- definitely worth seeing again. My son is crying because he now feels alone and he's thrown 2 big fits about it so far. That boy wears me out. I am SO glad he wasn't twins! Besides, one of him is plenty...he gets 110% of my love already'...



Dear Jay,

        Jay(O)- not the rapper Jiggaman' Jay(Z)- The Jay that wants more from me than I can give right now too. Who is the Jay? the Jay is the one: who can pop back into town- and my life- and like he hasnt  missed a step. Last night when I wouldn't (couldn't) give him a enough of a satisfactory answer to his question of wanting me to come over and watch a movie as well as probably engage in other things if permitted, he got all agitated and was like "Whatever, that's fine, just forget"- and got off the phone clearly annoyed. So why was he calling me again at 8:30 this morning? I have known him for a lil' than less a year, we have seen each other 4 times- but he keeps mentioning that he doesn't want to "waste his time"( with me). I keep asking him to elaborate, because if "wasting time" means he doesn't get to marry me- then he is DEFINITELY wasting his time. If "wasting time" means not getting to sleep with me- then he is wasting his time too. I like, him a lot, he is handsome and witty and fun and generous- but he seems (like me) to get easily frustrated. That is a bad sign- 'cause all the men (and women!) in my life will state- I can the same way...but he seems like he's worse.



    I hate the way that most of my relationships with men are so focused on turning into a knockin' da boots  showdown, that if we don't, they think they are "settling" for friendship or less only. It really ought to work the other way- become friends and then let it go from there. <hint>If you want me, want all of me- your best strategy is going to be to not rush me, to show me you have a life other than me, to be patient but persistent- and to make me laugh without putting other people down...</hint>
I think he might finally get that- he sent me a long email yesterday confessing his heart out to me. Kinda scary but my understanding is pretty deep.. Yeah, I'm beginning to think he "gets it". Maybe. Well we'll see...

Oh My Goodness....!

And the Jay called last night about 9pm- I spent the requisite ten minutes hollering at myself for missing A' and C's phone call and not checking the caller identification  until 1am. I got all fidgety and called peoples back right away. Sorry...poor Jay' no hard feelings but I gotta move on son. From getting so hostile from me not coming over to writing me letters about how you want me sexually. I must turn the page but perhaps with doggy ears. So dont go crazy on me again lol. Some of that poetry of how you would like it sexually was artistic but not so fast, keep those thoughts to yourself buddy. You might some help in the game' department. I talked to my ace..A'!!! Didnt talk to C' so then I had to wake up and almost curse myself, turn away from the locked purple treasure chest that is for him as I tucked my thoughts of him away. I had to- if I didn't I couldn't function today at all. He throws me into this frenzy everytime he calls, lucky (?!) for me it isn't with enough frequency or regularity to cripple my day-to-day living!

Who is C'? Who I'd break a set date with someone else to steal a few moments with. who I'd lie and scheme to get a chance to go see. who has instant access to the privileges other men wait years for. who though I've known for 2 years(romantically), it still takes me a while to warm up to when we come together. whose efforts to please me are interrupted by my giggling as I think "I dont believe this'..." who never has to ask me for forgiveness. whose heart and soul are is such in harmony with mine. who acts as surprised that I adore him as I do that he adores me. for whom the locked drawer under my bed exists. who knows not to mention it, but consoles me all the same. who makes me break all of my rules. who sends me into a girlish daze with his voice, his touch, his kiss. who has mastered the art of balancing pleasure with pain. who never has to ask me. who makes six hours fly by in an instant. who could make me consider doing anything for him. (ok, but only for a second!) who made me feel like a woman is supposed to do all yesterday evening. who is so spontaneously on time', and even loving the way he picks on me. who will probably dissapear now from my life for another (too) long while. who will expect, understand, and forgive that I predicted that...Dont get me wrong, we do have our moments...where we argue a little bit and dont talk'...but he's never called me out my name, any bad name or told me to go to hell. He' will just not want to talk when he's mad. who also happens to be my sons father.

Today I get the letter from LaShae's father, sigh...why the hell am I so scared?! I pretty much shouldnt be...I need to stop driving my own self crazy lol.....sigh.




TWO FREAKIN YEARS AGO....!

  Friday night- no evening out with my sista or her girls'. No one is at home but me. Why did I tell a certain a certain someone this 3 weeks ago and he remembered to the very day and decided to pop up. Doors opened and all the rest of that crap I kidded him about TWO YEARS AGO.

--Microwaving oven Pizza.
--His email addy name.
--Unnecessarily coy flirting.
--Realizing that getting reacquainted is good, but getting to really know each other for the very first time all over again is infinitely better.
--Wack movies purchased from Blockbuster. Studio apartment and he be sayin' Im going to the living room, bedroom,etc.
--No shoes on the new white carpet.
--Cash Money rap group CD stuck in his car audio and its his friends CD..
--A downright hypnotic white ceiling fan.
And to top it all off, this kid had actually SAVED an "I.O.U." for a date, an "I.O.U." that I had totally forgotten about, that I had given him when I gave him "the third degree" (his euphemism for my blowing him off) TWO! FREAKIN! YEARS AGO. He SAVED it- and the little red "message in a bottle" glass I gave it to him in-TWO! FREAKIN! YEARS AGO when I declined (indefinitely postponed) his invitation for a second date. TWO! FREAKIN! YEARS AGO. Destiny? or Fate?- after so many months of no contact, and then in the oddest of circumstances to "reunite". Could this time be the time? Yeah, so it hasn't even been 48 hours since I saw him, but I'm used to my voicemail on my cell being blown up before I even get home. My 5 yr. old will leave 10 messages in there...
"Mommy, are you getting my messages"
"Mommy its me again, come get me"
"Mommy, where are you"
"Mommy, why are you takin so long"
"Mommy...*sad voice now* can you pleaseeeee come get me"
"Mommy, xavier and shae are sleep, Im the only one up...Im bored"
"Mommy...I wanna go home...*cryin now*.
Sigh...I tell her to be watchin the clock when the Little Magic School bus goes off...because it means mommy is on her way. She calls me like 3 hrs before it even comes on lol. Oh yeah-back on track here. I hope we aren't playin' a game of test of wills, 'cause I'll win, I won't call, but if I win this one, have I lost another? Did I miss my chance? back when he was just graduating from his community college- TWO! YEARS AGO? I dunno. But I know Friday night was as nice as any I've ever had. So what went wrong? Why hasn't he called me? I couldn't tell ya, I couldn't tell ya. But I can tell ya this- my little "boos" are all in bed and sleeping away'...my,my,my...what a beautiful sight. Makin' me want to go give them each a little kissy....


(UPDATE-  He called...we chatted for like 15 minutes and his phone beeps and he says he will prolly talk to me later. Translation: "My other girl is on the other line who's actually giving me some unlike you so BYE for now! Holla at cha on the flip side peace.) Hardy har har...why dont you tickle my fancy and ask me if I even care'...He can have all the fun, butt lickin n rubbin' and skins he want...he's not my "man"... *smile*


Just Because I Date Anutha' Color'...It Dont Mean I Dont Like My Strong Black Brutha...

I ain't knock the swirl, but I'm not threatened by it either, as some of my black sisters are. I aint sayin' I just dating this particular race and excluding the other races. I dont wanna chop my chances in half' shoo...its hard enough finding a good man period. I know cultural boundaries can be dramatic. I would love to see an interracial couple that got together for non stereotypical reasons and the relationship was healthy and worked out. I with my own eyes have no witnessed that... I mean yeh' me being who I am, I can knock down a lot of barriers by just datin' a strong black brutha...mmmm' but I aint ignoring the other men either. I would love to find me a strong black brutha' you betta believe...but Im lookin' for mr. right for me...yo' like when me and my sista' and her good friend had our race discussion that often rears it head have it, we are in the dirty dirty south and young sistas in this confused/beautiful world that will knock you down in a minute. They have a preference for bruthas' but they will say a man is cute' or fine' regardless of his race. Because we had the professional black sports player and rich black man conversation' in regards to dating/marrying'...Like what you see more times than not'...but hey'. Kneegrows wanna date women from other ethnicities, fine. If that's what he's looking for, then so be it.  Sisters want to date men from other cultures, whatever. Unlike some brothers, you can always come home... Folk should love whoever God has blessed them to love, and be thankful each day that they can love and be loved. Period. I have an argument with "I only date this race for a hatred reason,misguided reason, past experience reason or misueducation' of your reasoning. I say if a brutha' say he's only dating a particular race outside his race because of the mentioned reasons above?? Fine...be that way, your 9 times outta 10 not the man I'm looking for anyways. 

Does you-know-who love his 20-something petite,,blonde,slobbin' the knob' for a place to stay, penny snatcher' conquests? Debatable. But to provide  in reference to the soon to be Mrs. NBA wifey (DAMN!):

Does she realize that if I, a college-educated, professional black woman from a (mainly) two parent home, and all the trappings that come with being an intelligent, self-confident, successful black woman, will throw MY drawers some man for his $, and throw all my values and integrity out the window for some dyck and $ I might could get my hands on and riding someones fame coat? No...sorry thats your call, but not this sista'. As for the sex, once youve been in a great relationship and both of you so in love righteously' then you have to raise the bar some'...but sometimes I do get lonely I do admit but still...As for the money, I aint having sex to get it...and fame'...Im not too impressed especially if it aint mine right, ha!
Shoot girl, if that doesn't make Newsweek's Perspectives, I don't know what will- other than maybe last night when someone coined a phrase I believe has never been uttered before in the history of the world, "Good, once you're gone I can finally excavate the corn from my bra." Then again thats when you said "I'm a little top heavy." Ha- "little" my ass! (Sorry inside-joke) *whistlin dixie*

 





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