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Chapter 1

A String of Pearls

For a long time being has been defined as being able to make the claim "I am", or the classic "I think, therefore I am". Unfortunately, though not without bravado, these reflections on the nature of being are a bit overstated. A being that is alone can never really be sure that it is. A being should really be defined as an entity in possession of enough self-awareness to suspect that it might be. Furthermore we should really define our nature of being as - I think I am, and reasonably suspect that I might be, but I can’t really prove that I am. Such a truthful definition clears our head of emotional bravado, and allows us the possibility to understand being as what it really is, and on a much deeper level.

Fundamentally one of the few proofs we have that we are; is that we seem to be separated from other self-aware entities. We suspect that we are, and part of our suspicion stems from our awareness that others around us seem to suspect that they are, separately from us. The presence of other seemingly self-aware entities around us causes us to hope that we are. Truthfully the very nature of being is such, that there can never have ever been one being, or a first being. Being simply does not manifest as an only. An "only" is a theoretical precursor to being out of which the higher state of individual being arises. Being by necessity is inevitably manifested as more than one. An "other" is a required component of being. We have no chance of ever truly being eternally alone once we are. The nature of being is an intellectually interdependent number of entities greater than one. A one and only is not being, but rather chaos. Such a possibility can never have been, since its quest for meaning would be endless. We can be sure that the number of beings is infinite, and that the revelation of being to itself is infinite.

Being always exists. The only alternative to being is chaos, or infinite eternal existence without proof of being, which is the same as endless chaos. Being always was and always will be. The sense of time that we feel is caused by the continuous revelation of being in its endless process of becoming. There is no beginning or end to being, only an endless becoming and manifestation. All being manifests and becomes at its own pace. The development and manifestation of the becoming of being is at an infinite variety of levels. There is no common pace.

It is and was always about one thing. It is being. There is no beginning. There is no end. There is no first. There is no last. There is, at the top and bottom of it all, the relentless revelation of being. Whatever universes exist are because of being. The universe is for, and because of the revelation of being. Being is the relentless inevitable force that permeates whatever can exist. Being is the destiny of whatever can exist. Being permeates and is all.

There never was one only, and never will be one only. An only cannot be. Whatever is absolutely alone has no hope of proving or recognizing that it is. Whatever is absolutely alone can never be sure that it is. Being never was, and never will be alone. It is not possible to be alone. Being can only exist as more than one. Being can never come into being as single and only. Being is infinite. Being can only be infinite. In order to be it must have no limitation. Being is infinite, and beings are infinite in number.

Being is not something that has begun. Being is not something that will end. Being always was, and always will be. Whatever exists is the revelation of being to being. Being is always relentlessly revealing being: to being relentlessly revealing being. Being is infinite, eternal, and individual. Being cannot prove itself. Being can only manifest form and dimension, and reveal itself to other being as proof to other being. Being must have the revelation of the manifestation of form and dimension by other being as proof to itself to continue being. Being cannot define itself. Being is infinite. Being can only reveal itself to other being. It is a circle of affirmation.

Being can only be infinite because it is eternal and individual. Being can only be eternal because it is infinite and individual. Being can only be individual because it is infinite and eternal. Being can only reveal itself. Being cannot define itself. Manifesting form and dimension creates a finite self-perception. Manifesting form and dimension is only a method of revelation of being to other being. Manifesting form and dimension is essentially the answer to another being’s question. Manifesting form and dimension cannot prove being to itself. Manifesting form and dimension is the question – "Do you think I am?" and the answer – "I am revealed to you."

Eternity, infinity, and individuality can be revealed and proved to being through the apparently finite manifestation of form and dimension by another being, even though being cannot prove itself to itself. There really is no such thing as finite being. The manifestation of form and dimension by being may appear to reveal a finite segment of being, but closer examination of such an apparently finite segment will reveal it to be infinite. A manifested segment of infinity will always ultimately be proved to be infinite as well. The nature of infinity is unchangeable. Anything excised from infinity, however much it may seem to have limits, will always be infinite. Furthermore, because it is given form and dimension for the purpose of revelation to another infinite being, it may be infinitely observed by infinite being. There is no beginning or end to being. The manifested form and dimension of being called human being appears to have a beginning, and end; but truly does not. Whatever the eyes of a human being can see is endless and infinite; and yet whatever the eyes of a human being cannot see is endless and infinite. Being is infinite.

Forever is immeasurably short and immeasurably long. Forever is all the same time. Eternity is and being is. Time is part of manifesting form and dimension by being for the purpose of revelation. A manifested form and dimension by being is never, and can never, be the whole of being. Time is only the trail of revelation of being, through manifesting form and dimension to other being. Time does not pass in eternity. Time is the order of thought and observation. Time is the dimension through which being that always was and always will be watches itself be relentlessly revealed to other being relentlessly doing the same. Time is just an excised piece of eternity for the purpose of revelation. Being can never grasp nor encompass the entire length and breadth of its own being. The essence and longevity of being is endless. Time is the way being embraces other being. Wholeness and wellness of being are unattainable through self-recognition, because there is no end to the whole. The manifestation of form and dimension by being for the purpose of revelation of being to other being, is the exchange of proof of being to being, that promotes the wholeness and wellness of being, which can never grasp its own entirety.

Time is really something less than relative to real being. It is like paint to an artist. He sees the picture before him, in his head and heart, whether he paints it or not. The passage of time is only for the purpose of revelation of self to another. The past is not written in stone. If the past makes a possible present impossible, it is only because of our relativity to the passage of time, and our incorrect perception of the nature of being. We generally believe that the present and our present alternatives are founded to some degree on the past actions and deeds of others and ourselves. This is entirely not the case.

Our remembrance of the past, and our attitude that it is fixed and cannot be undone, are part of our foundation of the present. It is this intellectual empowering of past events, that makes the past seem unchangeable to us. We simply do not believe that a present is possible, if it is necessary for that present to overturn any past events. This is completely in error. Any present is possible. A present may be manifest that completely restores lost loved ones, and changes any number of past events. The present is only based on any single being’s manifestation of him or herself at any point in infinity and eternity. It is really basic geometry.

The past is as fluid and changeable as the present. The past is manufactured and left behind by infinite presents. You can be sure that the present can re-manufacture the entire past if that past does not fit the manifested truth of the present. Furthermore, it only takes the action of a single human being to manifest a present that has the re-action here of changing all of human history. It is the true nature of time, that the present produces both the past and the future. There is no plan or purpose to its nature. It was not constructed. Time can only reflect the truth of being, and thus it unravels and turns in a way that would never allow the truth to be overlooked. Death binds no one to the grave. Love crosses the barrier of death like water seeps through the ground. Being is infinite and eternal. Its fluidity is permeating and irresistible. The forgiveness of sin is simply the changing of the past by the present. The purpose of the manifestation of form and dimension by being is revelation of being to other being. Time is just the trail of that motion.

Our perception of the passage of time in our present state of form and dimension contributes to our confusion about reality. We see time going by, and we organize our thinking to accept the idea of a beginning and an end to everything we come in contact with. The truth is - there is no beginning or end. Being is all that there is, and being always was and always will be. Being is endless, and everything that is apparent is because of being.

If we cling to the idea of a beginning, we need only to apply sensible logic to such a misperception, and the truth will begin to become apparent. No matter how we define ourselves or relate to our own meaning, whether we think we are something or almost something, we can only define an ultimate beginning of us - as absence of us. That is what a beginning is - a place and time where something that previously did not exist, comes into existence. If we are going to define our beginning as absence of us, we might as well define an ultimate beginning as absence of everything. A logical term for an ultimate beginning is absolute nothing.

It is obvious that logic may not progress beyond the point of defining an ultimate beginning as absolute nothing, yet even absolute nothing has a characteristic. If it has a characteristic it is something. If it is something it cannot be a beginning of everything. Absolute nothing has the characteristic of being absolutely alone. The absolute nothing is the absolute only. The ultimate beginning of anything and everything, no matter what definition of terms we apply, is "onlyness". It is not possible to get to a beginning, but it is possible to get to "onlyness". Absolute zero will always be proved to be one. The truth is that "onlyness" is the nature of fundamental being. Whatever is eternal, infinite, and individual is absolutely alone and yet can never be alone.

I think I am. I suspect that I am, but I cannot prove it. I am a shadow on the ground that disappears into a night that I cannot hold back. The outline of my meaning is marked by a light above me that shines out of my "onlyness". I am spoken of in whispers just outside my hearing, and the voice is mine.

The beginning is outrage. Outrage is the inability to be. Outrage is the abused child. Outrage is unproved feeling. Outrage is the deepest prison at the bottom of the night out of which all of the night pours. Outrage is insanity. Outrage is the flame that burns but cannot consume. Outrage is absolute death - the death that continues living.

The beginning is despair. Despair is the inability to find a way to be. Despair is a feeling of being without proof. Despair is the prison above outrage. Despair is the never-ending desert. Despair is the empty altar in the flames that burn but cannot consume. Despair is the orphan. Despair is absolute desolation.

The beginning is the only. The beginning is the absolute nothing. The absolute nothing is the only. The only is the all and everything. The only is being without proof. The only is the name without meaning. The only is the useless bravado of outrage and the empty dignity of despair. The only is the self-fathered child. The only is the prison above despair. The only is the continuously consumed holocaust on the empty altar of despair in the forever burning flames of outrage that cannot consume. The only cannot find meaning. The only is nameless.

The beginning is self-sacrifice. The beginning is the continual destruction of what can never be destroyed in order to find its meaning. Self-sacrifice in order to find the meaning of self, is the eternal torture of the infinite in order to find the end of what never ends. Self-sacrifice is the inability to begin. Self-sacrifice is the prison above the only. Self-sacrifice is the smoke. Self-sacrifice is the manifested process of the quest for meaning. Self-sacrifice is the permanent hunger. Self cannot name itself. Self-sacrifice is hell.

The beginning is exhaustion. It is the exhaustion of boredom, not the exhaustion of completion. The exhaustion of boredom is the fundamental-self crushed beneath the weight of the sorrow and misery of self-sacrifice. The exhausted self sees, hears, and feels only a numbing rhythm as itself. The exhausted self blends the maniacal scream of outrage, the dry whimper of despair, the desperate yell of the only, and the driven howl of self-sacrifice, into a single rhythmic tone. The exhaustion of boredom is the lullaby of self. Exhaustion is the prison above self-sacrifice. Exhaustion separates the hope of being from the inability to prove being. Exhaustion is the sleep of death.

The beginning is a sleeper. Collapsed in the smoke at the altar of self-sacrifice there is a sleeper. The sleeper is exhausted by its quest for proof of being and soon will only dream of being. The sleeper has given up trying to prove its being. The unproved infinity and eternity, the self and being of the sleeper, has lulled itself to sleep with the rhythmic pulse of its own terror. The sleeper is imprisoned above exhaustion. It is asleep.

The beginning is a dreamer. The dreamer is alone. The dreamer is the absolute only and is aware that it is alone. Whatever the dreamer knows, or doesn’t know, is itself. The dreamer dreams of itself. The dream is other than the dreamer, even though the dreamer can only dream of itself, because it is a dream. If the dreamer awakens the dream will end and become unreal to the dreamer. The dream is precisely the nature of other. The dreamer is the only. The only while sleeping may only dream of itself because there is nothing else to dream of. When the only awakens, the dream it had of itself is intangible and other in its relativity to the awakened only. The dream was of the only, and can only be an only as well. The awakened dreamer relates to its remembered dream of itself as an impossible dream. There can only be one only. Still the persistent dream will not be forgotten. It is as only as the dreamer who dreamed it.

All being is infinite, eternal, and individual. Whatever suspects that it is, is of this nature. All being is so completely alien from any other being, that it is impossible for one being to be aware of another being. Every being is only. One being is no more tangible to another being, than a remembered dream to an awakened dreamer.

Every day of our lives in this human form and dimension we are aware of the possibility of other being. As much as we seem to have in common with others in the human condition, there is something different each from the other about all of us. Even though our species seems to be the same, we are all different in some way from one another.

The truth is, no matter how close we may become with one another, we never are so close to essentially change anything about each other at the level of our fundamental nature. We are in each of our single identities essentially only. This is individuality. Because we are being we will always have such "onlyness". There is however a wonderful dynamic at work in this place. The magic at work here is remarkable. This is the common ground. This is where only becomes aware of only.

Every only has one single thing in common. All being goes through the process of the futile search for meaning within itself. It is inevitable for being to search itself for meaning. It suspects that it is, and it has nowhere else to look for meaning than within itself. Since defining infinity is futile, being eventually gives up the quest out of exhaustion and begins to dream. Every being dreams of itself: infinite, eternal, and individual or essentially only; since it knows nothing else but what it is. The only thing common to all being is that it dreams of itself. This is the common ground and this alone. One being is so essentially alien from another that neither can ever be aware of the other.

Theoretically some have thought that there can only be one eternity and infinity. The truth is that eternity and infinity will always suspect that it is. Because it is only it will never be able to prove to itself that it is, but only suspect such a nature. Because infinite eternal individual being is only and cannot ever prove itself completely, the number of such possible entities is infinite. The number of infinities and eternities is infinite. Because they are all only, they are so completely alien one from the other, that they have no effect on the awareness and relativity of one another. None is aware of the other on any level. Again the dream is the only common ground. Whatever is eternal, infinite, and individual, is only and can only dream of itself. Because such an entity inevitably suspects that it is, and by intellectual necessity must search for proof of itself within itself, since there is nothing else to search, it will most certainly be reduced eventually to dreaming of itself or imagining itself. An infinite, eternal, individual essence can only find fulfillment and self-proof through the discovery of an equal entity.

There can never be only one eternal infinite individual being. Only one would be chaos and endless oblivion. There must be an equal to give proof of being one to another. The exchange of proof and affirmation of being is what brings wholeness, wellness, and peace. The problem is obvious. One eternal infinite individual being that can only suspect that it is, is so completely alien from any equal other, that neither can ever even be aware of the other, let alone exchange any proof of being or affirmation.

When we sleep and dream in this human condition, many times we are unaware that we are dreaming, and while we are dreaming we fully believe that the dream is real. When we awake, we discover that what we thought was real, is only a dream. Sometimes we remember the dream clearly even after we are awake. In any case the dream remains in our memory as something less than real. The dream does not ever go away - it only becomes a memory, something a little less than real, after we awake. The only can only dream of itself. Eventually the remembered dreams of its only self, will inevitably bring the only to realize that its singular hope of peace and proof of being is the revelation of another equal only. Its need for other is made apparent in dreaming or imagining itself.

If we are fortunate enough to love someone in this human condition, when we are with them in the center of a moment we are fulfilled and joyful in their presence. If we are separated from them for any length of time, though they are not real for us at any given moment our affection for them is still real. In some cases our affection for the memory of a person is as great as our affection for the person when they are really there with us. If our loved one is not with us every waking moment it does not diminish our love for them or make that affection any less real. Our loved one does not have to be real and in our presence for us to love them. When our loved one is not there we feel the loss in some cases, but we still love them. Obviously when we are contemporaneous with our loved one we are joyful, and that joy inmost cases grows with each encounter, but it is also true that joy in our loved one does not decrease just because we are not together. The loss we feel when our loved one is not in our presence is the cessation of the growth of joy not the loss of joy. Our joy in our loved one is as great as it ever was. It has just ceased to grow because of their absence. Real love is constant and so is joy the fruit of that love.

Inevitably because it is infinite, eternal, and individual, the only progresses through the process of burgeoning self-awareness. It is the inevitable nature of being to do so. It comes face to face with the futility of "onlyness" and out of exhaustion or boredom begins to imagine or dream. It can only imagine itself. It begins to recognize its imagined image of itself as separated from itself. It realizes that its only hope of fulfillment and proof of being is in finding an equal other. It is only. There is no equal other. It can only imagine an equal other. Eventually the only is forced, out of its need for proof of being, to recognize its need to love an other. The only other the only can locate is its dream of itself, which is all its hope of an equal other can be. It begins to examine the dynamic of its dream of itself, and how the dream became separated from the dreamer.

The dream appears to be an impossible dream, but because the only must have an equal other for fulfillment and proof of being, it loves the idea of the dream. As a dream alone the dream can satisfy the need of the only to love an equal other, but it cannot satisfy the need of the only to be loved in return by an equal only. By this time the only realizes that the only possibility for an equal only other is that it is entirely alien to its own essence. The only begins to recognize that an equal other can never exist for it, because it is only. The only suspects that any other only must be completely alien to it, and yet if it is truly only it must go through the same processes of burgeoning self- awareness. The only realizes that any other only must be in the same position that it is - needing an equal other.

At this point the only seeks common ground. It finds that common ground in the dynamic of imagination and dreaming. The dream is loved. The impossible hope of an equal only is loved. It is this love that keeps the memory alive in the consciousness of the only. The memory is alive in that it can be loved.

The only discovers the distance between itself and the object of its affection. The dreamer sees the dream as something remembered and notes that distance is all that is between it and its dream. The distance between a reality and a dream is only time. The distance between imagination and self is only time. The dreamer concludes that any other only must have created the same dynamic within itself. Time becomes the beginning of the common ground.

Time is only the distance between imagination and reality. If we are infinite and eternal and individual, we have an endless capacity to cause time and space within ourselves. It is the same for any being. The consciousness of the infinite eternal individual only is entirely experienced as simultaneous reality. There is no fundamental distance between thought and realization for being because it is the all. There is only one exception to this truth. The exception is the love of an equal other. Because the reality of an equal other never comes, we can be certain that an equal other is entirely alien to the all. This is not dualism. There are an infinite number of equal, but entirely alien from each other, others. It is absolutely certain that there is distance between the conception of the idea of an equal other and the reality of an equal other. Time is really the awareness of something not yet manifest.

In the process of being the only discovers that it is the all, and that thought and discovery for it is already of itself and anything it thinks is real. The idea of an equal only is the only exception. The distance between the only and its beloved equal only is the only reflection of time in its eternal essence. Here the only finds the way to make the impossible possible. Inside the eternal essence of the only is a hole of time that is the distance between itself and its dream of an equal only. The only knows that any other equal only has the same hole of time in it. As the only goes on expanding into its own eternity and infinity, its own realization of itself refines and changes its idea of its equal only, and each new visitation of its beloved dream of equal only creates layer upon layer of revealed self and hope of other suspended in time. Eventually the only realizes that it must find a way to reveal its eternal infinite individual "onlyness" in time.

If I were an artist in the truest existential sense that I could be, and could paint what I had never seen, I would discover in my paintings only images of myself. Each new painting would reflect what I had just become, and would become something that I had seen, and if it were my desire to continue to paint what I had never seen, I would have to continually produce new paintings. As I painted, a record of my becoming would be stretched out behind me in an endless ribbon of paintings. If it were my desire to continue to paint what I had never seen, I would be engaged in painting new pictures forever.

If I were such an artist and desired to paint all that I could see, I would discover that I would be engaged in painting the same single painting forever; essentially a never completed self portrait. There is no end to what I could see any more than there is any end to what I have not seen. What is yet unseen is only waiting to be seen, and what can be seen is endless.

The true neutral in this analogy is the paint. The paint is the distance between the artist and himself. The distance that is the paint is created by the artist as a means of expressing what is yet unseen. The artist can shape the paint to reflect in any detail he desires. If the artist is the eternal infinite individual only, the paint is the distance formed out his longing for proof through the revelation of an equal only other. That distance is time. The medium of the only is time painted across the canvas of itself. All essence that is eternal infinite individual only uses the same paint - time; and whatever essence they might be is the canvas. All that is in time began to be known in this way. No matter how alien one essence of only may be from another the distance between any only and its dream of an equal only is time. Time is the universal medium in which being may be revealed to being for fulfillment and wholeness.

When a foreign particle accidentally becomes lodged inside an oyster’s shell next to its body and cannot be rejected by the oyster; the oyster begins to cover the particle with layer after layer of a secretion called nacre. The layers of nacre over time form a pearl. The process of manifesting form and dimension by being is similar.

When the eternal infinite individual only recognizes its need for the love of an equal other only, that dream of another becomes like a foreign particle in its nature. Its normal nature is that its thoughts are reality. In this case its dream is impossible. The absolute necessity and need and love of an equal other cannot be dislodged from its essence, and in this case the thought is not an immediate reality for the only. Because the dream remains a hope and not a reality, for the first and only time distance is manifested in the only. This distance between itself and its dream of other is time. Because the thought of the only is continuously bringing new realizations of itself into reality, its vision of an equal other is constantly changing across the distance of time between the two, to equal its new self-perception. This has the effect of laying out realization of being across time in layer after layer of essence and time. The nacre of fundamental being is an essence containing time and self-realization. This essence of being laid out across time is the pearl of wisdom and the greatest treasure of being. Through this process the impossible becomes possible. Strung through every spark of being that is eternal infinite individual and only are an uncountable number of these pearls. All of them are destined to have the same cause and effect. They become a manifestation of form and dimension of being and places of common ground, where alien eternal infinite individual "onlys" may become aware of one another in containers formed of common ground, and only may find equal other only and wellness and peace - and where even a blue rose might bloom.