I first saw porn in 8th grade. I was in the basement looking for the cat, but instead I found porn under my brother's boxes. I remember staring at the pile of well-handled magazines, the jumble of huge breasts, spread legs, and open mouths. Most people probably would have been shocked to stumble across such a collection. But I was thrilled and relieved. "Thank God," I thought to myself. "Now my brother can look at this stuff and leave me the hell alone." I remember smiling and humming to myself.

It was the best day I'd had in a long time.

I thought I would no longer be the object of my brother's voyeurism, as I had been for about a year. It had started one day in the shower. My father always insisted that we leave the bathroom window and curtains open when we showered, so mildew wouldn't grow from all the trapped steam. Anyone in our backyard could see right in. I remember looking up one day in 7th grade only to see a face looking right back at me.

Then he got bolder. My sister and I had a small bathroom that connected our bedrooms. I would be showering in the other bathroom, and he would hide in my bathroom. I would come back to my room to change and he would be peering through the cracks in the door.

The day after I found the porn, I was laying on my bed reading Teen magazine. He came into my room. I didn't bother to kick him out because I wasn't scared of him anymore. He paced around for about 20 minutes and then said, "Katilinne, have you ever seen one of these?" I looked up and he exposed himself to me. And that is when I was hit with the sinking realization that he wasn't going to stop, that the porn wasn't enough for him. That it wasn't a situation of "real girls" versus "porno girls." Or even using porn as an outlet for his sexual urges, because the porn was influencing his sexual urges. I don't know if he was using porn for the same reason he was using me - to get his jollies, or if he started with one and moved on to the other. After a while, it didn't matter.

Over the next few years his porn got worse, and what he did to me got worse.

I started doing everything I could to avoid him. I started closing the curtain in the bathroom, only to have him tattle on me. I started changing in the bathroom instead of returning to my bedroom, only to have him complain to my mother that I was hogging the bathroom. And he started commenting on my body in front of people. "Katilinne, you have a body like Madonna's. Well, except for your tummy. You should do aerobics to work on that. Then it would be just like hers."

All the while I could monitor his stash. The material was getting worse. He had graduated to videos and hard-core porn. I really wasn't surprised when he crossed the line from looking to touching. At night he would sneak into my bedroom. He thought I was sleeping. He thought it was ok to lift up my nightgown or pull down my pants - spread my legs open and do his thing.

Now, I don't give porn the sole blame for what happened to me, for the years of abuse. I blame my brother. He chose to do what he did. But I also recognize the factors that encouraged and influenced the situation. I didn't help matters by not telling anyone about it (no matter how young or terrified I was, or how often he threatened me not to tell). My parents didn't help the situation by letting him have his porn, by never telling him that it was false and disrespectful. They considered it an appropriate outlet for the "harmless fantasies" every teenage boy is entitled to, just like most of the world believes.

The abuse finally stopped when he went away to college. That was about eight years ago. During those eight years I have tried to stop what happened to me from happening to anyone else. I encourage women not to be ashamed when it happens to them, because they have done nothing wrong. And I proclaim loudly that pornography is NOT HARMLESS! It is a negative, widespread influence on sexuality that is becoming increasingly mainstream. The more mainstream and accepted it gets, the more harm we will see. I liken it to cigarette smoking. Will every smoker come down with lung cancer or emphysema? Of course not. But do we deny smoking as a contributor to lung cancer and emphysema? No, we don't. We need to do the same thing with pornography. It's time to hold pornography responsible for its contributions to our culture.

It may be too late for my brother. I know he's still addicted. He still refers to the same old manuals that taught him his sexuality in the first place--that sexist, misogynistic pornography. I yelled at him one day when I ran across a stack of his videos. "I thought you outgrew this crap after you left for school!" It was the first time I had confronted him and it reduced him to tears. He wouldn't stop crying. He knew that there was link between his habit and his abuse. But it never changed his attitudes or behavior. After a bit, he somehow put what he did to me out of his head and, with society's support, he continues on his merry sexist way.

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