The Supremely Amazing, Slightly Magical, and Altogether Horribly Interesting Adventures of Platagonis the Amazing Philosopher Man and Much Much More...
There once was a place where ideas reigned supreme, where you could trust in the good nature of men without being deemed a heretic, a moron, or a dead man. Logic was prized above all, even money! (the idea of valuing anything more than money may be foreign to many of us, but it managed to work here)
This story has absolutely nothing to do with that place.
In fact, this story takes place in a rather different kind of world entirely. In this world, logic forgot to shave (hence fuzzy logic) and was amazingly inebriated at the time the universe was created (This is, as many philosophers would point out, a perfect explanation for all the pain and suffering in this life. Because according to the aforementioned philosophers, logic rules all, and if it were horribly inebriated at the time of creation, then he is currently, and forever will be, until the end of this age, hung-over with the worst headache ever known. However, to quote a true genius, this is believed by most to be "a load of Dingo's kidneys.")
. In this place actors often go into politics after an unsuccessful movie or television series, to continue their acting career.
This place was believed, by many of the inhabitants of the land to have been either hatched from a gigantic egg (the gigantians) or by the even less intellectually stimulated, who believed the few "educated" people in the land when they said that the world was created from a large explosion. (Both of these arguments, more specifically, the logic behind them, were so well endowed in the facial hair department that they could scare the be-jevus out of ZZ-Top.)
The Gigantians (believers of the giant reptile) say that the world (which is much like our Earth, has a shell (the crust), that white bit in between the shell and the yoke (the mantle), and the yoke itself. (the core)
They held the belief that the world was round like a cold-blooded animal might lay. The Gigantians used to scoff at the Humongousians, who believed that a humongous avian birthed the world. They justified their act of ostracizing by saying that a bird would lay an oval-shaped egg, and that the world was clearly round. (This is not true, the world has no shape, this planet is like an amoeba, but with more gravity and trees.)
Our story begins (sighs of relief are heard across the world, or at least across the room, as I start rambling with some sort of plot in mind, instead of just rambling) with a Gigantian by the name of Platagonis, who happens to be a philosopher. The term philosopher, in this case, is used in its most common usage, if not its strictest. Philosopher is used ,in this case, to mean a person who pretends to think between stiff drinks, cashing federal checks, to keep the ideas flowing in the right direction… and of course tofu burgers, yes lots of tofu burgers (because animals are people, too.) He was, actually working on a theory right now, dealing with congruency between the angle of two points and the angle's corresponding points. (He had not, as yet, decided what an angles corresponding points were, but it sounded sufficiently confusing to keep students confused for centuries, if not millennia, to come. Perhaps an angle's corresponding points are the points it actively sends and receives letters to and from, respectively, he would have to keep that in mind.)
Everyone wants to leave a legacy, and Platagonis had certainly left his with his ingenious ideas on the subject of numbers. He had, many years ago, put forth a theory that all matter was based on a number that, when divided (quite a nifty idea, accredited to the Massyrians, a very large civilization) by five equals X times five divided by the square root of 625. He had many political views, too. He thought, if he were despot, he would do away with the term "intern", instead replacing it with the term "concubine" or "boobs-for-hire," but that was just for starters. Yes in the Platagrosian Despotomy, there would also be an appointed vice-despot who would take care of the everyday oppression of the populace, punishment of the accused, and the like. Also, the maniacal laughter would have to go, too, as it is quite unnerving to think of some of the past rulers of Tanninbaum who employed this practice. There was Grunthos the Flatulent, Ovulous the Petulant, and Ethosimus the Obscure, rumored to have practically lived in the dungeons of Tanninbaum castle, he is given credit for deeming the "funny bone," ever so funny. Some still say they can hear the screams of victims to this day, usually saying something to the effect of "No, not the big tickley feather of doom, anything but the big tickl- AAAAAA AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH…"
Yes Platagonis had definitely left his legacy, but there were also some ideas he had had that he was less than proud of. Take, for example, the Platagrosian Theorem, which stated that in a left triangle (much like our own right triangle, in that one angle is 90o, but unlike our beloved right triangle, there were some added restrictions. The right angle had to be the farthest to the left between 4 A.M. and 6 P.M., but may be on the right side between 6 P.M. and 4 A.M., but only if given the proper governmental licenses.) the smallest angle could be multiplied by the reciprocal of E2, where E= nothing in particular, just assign some random number to it, (this is because with E2 equaling nothing in particular, the chances of you getting the right number are one in infinity, or one over infinity, this is important because, according to the probability clause of the Platagrosian Theorem, the reciprocal of a number with probability x will have a probability of the reciprocal of x, therefore, the chance of getting the right number by using the reciprocal of E2 is not one over infinity, but infinity over one. Therefore, it is infinitely probable that the number will be the right number for the job, and how can you screw that up, eh?) and the medium angle can be multiplied in like manner to find the area of a square in which all the angles are left (a very rare occurrence, only happening twice a day.)
Now, without all the interruptions… The Platagrosian Theorem, which stated that in a left triangle the smallest angle could be multiplied by the reciprocal of E2, and the medium angle can be multiplied in like manner to find the area of a square in which all the angles are left. There, isn't that better?
He had, quite unsurprisingly, forgotten years ago where all these numbers came from, and therefore he made up some story about a gout intestine that was bound to be believed by the people, because they were just that way, and had just hoped against hope that all this would blow over after a few years.
Now, it can oft be said of Platagonis that he was a man of action, especially when manning a 40 ounce, so at current, the surrounding friends, countrymen, and everyone else, for that matter, were lending him some room. He had just finished explaining, for the fifth time, the theory of conquering Anglo bystanders to the coat rack, before giving up because his pupil was so dense. (oak, I suspect.) He stumbled out, somewhat disenchanted with the state of youth today, they won't even listen to good math…Whoa, what on Earth is that thing? Wait, what on Earth is Earth?. His thought continued on like this for many minutes, I will not record most of it, because the pink elephant dancing about in his mind soon stamped out any thought of math and left only those you get when in your most primal stages, mainly the urge to urinate and sleep, and, if possible, not do so at the same time.
As he wandered about, he managed to stumble into his associate professor and philosopher Playdoh. Now Playdoh was a Canninite, and worshipped dogs. (musical interlude: Tush by Z.Z. Top… Since paper cannot be made to make music, at least not without years of training on the subject, you will have to hum this for yourself.) He was the author of the now famous book The Idle Republic, describing his idea of how the government could best benefit the people (the president and his cabinet, (a Canninite word that translates in English to mean "drinking buddies") happen to be people, and from a certain point of view, it could be said that they were THE people.) In the past, many great minds have been devoted to studying and upholding their ideals of the republic, and many far more cunning minds have been devoted to studying the ideals of the republic more carefully, so they could find a loophole at least the size of one term in office.
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