Dear Santa,
Hi, how have you been? I hope all is well at the North Pole.
I have not written you a letter in a long time, I guess I got older and forgot to write. This year I thought I would send a letter.
Wow another Christmas
Can not believe I have had 33 of them.
How they have passed.
As I grow older, as I make traditions of my own, incorperating those instilled by my family, adding a bit of my own flare.
It seems I find myself right around the 5th of December flooded with memories. Flooded with the faces I had thought I forgot from my past.
I can hear her voice you know. Sitting, crocheting, loud and clear "you missed a stitch, unravel and start from the mistake." I remember how much that irritated me then. Now thankful to hear it. Funny thing is, I look to my work and find that indeed I had missed a stitch. About that time I pipe up "thank you Grandma" and Kevin looks at me like I have now completely lost it. This year I was making a long overdue bankey for Randee, half way through "thank you Grandma" when Kevin looked at me and said "You know I think she heard you.".. I really hope she did.
Each Christmas season I mutter about getting all the decorations up. This person says.. "oh lee, make it look nice" and you know I have to, just in case she can see. Hate to die one day and have my mother come up and tell me I was being tacky, or doing it half assed when I knew better then that.
I become over whelmed, especially in the kitchen. Feeling my heart swell, my eyes water and a choke in my throat.
I will never see my Grandma Nell sitting by the Christmas tree. I will never see the sparkel in my Nonny's eyes and the stutter as she strived to say her s's, t's and r's. I will never again see my mother glow as we ripped open the gifts she picked out for us.
I hate that I know how to cook, for I will never again be standing in the kitchen with the women who raised me, learning how to. I am thankful they took the time to teach me, and the smells of their delights keep the memory of their teaching. They are not there, but I can see them standing next to me, pointing, instructing, and making me understand this was something I needed to learn.
I remember a day when I knew I did not really need to know these things, even when they said " someday you will be teaching this to your own children." I knew they would be there to teach my children, to cook for my children.
Now I know that I am thankful that someday I will be able to teach my children, for now I know they will not be there to do it for me.
I find myself often whispering over the stove "I miss you."
I often find tears streaming down my cheeks.
All the memories come flooding back, not just of the holidays. I find myself regreting that I did not know them better. How much more could they have taught me if I had listened? How many memories did I miss on?
I miss the days of running through Nonny's house, stealing fresh home made corn tortillas Yolanda had just pulled off the griddle. I miss sneaking candy from the cast iron reigndeer sleigh Nonny stashed in the nook. I miss sitting with a cup of hot cocoa on the stone fireplace. I even miss that green jar Grandma Nell insisted we raid for cookies..
I miss Mr. Brisee fixing my bike. I miss playing run sheep run up and hide and go seek. I miss making a snowman and my dad making such a big deal of my construction. I miss believing if I got up enough speed and went down a hill that I could really fly. I miss believing there really is a Santa Clause.
I sit tonight making Christmas gifts, using all the tools My Grandma Nell, My Nonny, My mom taught me. I had to stop Santa, I had to sit and write to somebody to let them know what I felt. I thought maybe you would understand. I thought maybe you could help me.
Kevin and Anita have asked me what I want for Christmas, what I need. I guess I have no answer, because the things I want for Christmas they can not give to me. The things I need, I already have.
So after all these years I sit and write you. Hoping you will forgive me for not keeping in touch, and maybe if you have the time to provide a few gifts for me this Christmas. It doesn't have to be for the holidays, just when it is convient for you.
My list is a little long, but each is so important to me.
Could you tell My Grandma Nell that I thank her, that I love her and miss her? That I really do feel so very blessed for having her in my life. That I still crochet, and fix all the mistakes she points out to me. That I got the chance to teach Amber how to crochet, and I wait for the day when Lauren and Randee want to learn.
Could you tell my Nonny that I send her kisses with each day. That I hope someday I can see the twinkle in her eyes again, that I miss her, and that I love her please? She gave me so much, not just material things, but she taught me how to love. Please tell her how thankful I am for everything. Let her know I have a husband, whom loves me like I never thought was possible, and that I love Him back with my entire being. I wish she could have met Him, she would love Him too i think.
Could you tell my mom that she is missed, that we think of her often and wish she were still with us. She missed the birth of her youngest grand-daughter who was given her name after mom. That Lauren has the love of art and is a beautiful little girl. That J.T. is turning out to be a great kid, athletic and a bundle of fun, and so handsome. That Judith Randee is a doll, smart and full of stuff, she makes me laugh. Please tell her I do miss her, and I do love her.
I think they know I am thinking of them alot lately, but just in case, let them know I am and I am trying to keep all the things they taught me, so someday I can teach my own children.
Please let them all know that I am doing ok, and with the stregnth of my Kevin I will always be ok. That Anita is a wonderful mother and they would be very proud of her. And especially that John has become a awesome Man. They would be so very proud of Him too.
He is a wonderful father, and as the holidays come near, I can see the sparkle in His childrens eyes, that same sparkle we once had. Anita did Thanksgiving dinner this year, they would have all been so proud, though somehow I think they may have been with her in the kitchen on Thanksgiving day.
Could you tell Carol she can be so very proud. That her son Is not only a wonderful Man, but a decent, kind, loving, hard working person. That her son posesses everything that was good that she instilled into Him. I miss her too and send her my love. Let her know Kevin has not forgotten her, and I can see in His eyes He thinks of her often. Let her know Anette is a beautiful, loving, kind woman. That she is happy and loved. That we hope she is getting to be with those children she lost, and able to smother them in all that love she would pour into us, and we look forward to meeting them some day, and wish for one more hug from her arms.
That is my wish list.. though I have only a few more things to ask. If you find a moment when your stuffing stockings and placing presents under the tree.. could you whisper a little love into my families ears.
Anita, how proud I am to have her as my sister. John how wonderful He is. The children, all the love in the world. My dad how happy I am for Him and a promise I will keep to never again distroy his holiday and please whisper that I love Him. Amber, that I will always be here for her, and I love her as my sister too. To Annette, Kevins and my love, with a wish to be with her very soon, that our arms are always ready to embrace her. To Nancy, how proud of her I am, she never stops learning and is full of abundant love, her laughter is like a song from an angel and every day I get with her is one more memory I am so very thankful for. A soft kiss to Dave, Mary, Pat, Leslie, Danny, Tommy, Rosemary, Robert, Clara, Darrel and Jim, with a whisper of love and hope also to see them again soon. Last and most important of all Santa.. My Kevin.. all my love, my life, I dont know what I would be without Him.
And If you find the chance, could you wish Jesus a Happy Birthday for me?
Thank you for letting me have these moments in your so very busy schedule. I will do my best to remember to keep in touch more.
Merry Christmas Santa.. my love to you and Mrs. Clause,
Lee Kitts
There will come a day when I am to stand before God. It in the bible is called judgement day. Perhaps I have my points of view wrong.. but perhaps I do not.
You see, I think God will stand me before Him, He will look me in the eye and say "So Lee, tell me about your life."
I have thought long and hard of what my answer would be, and I think it will go something like this:
"Well Ya know Dad, there is some good and some bad. I did my best to live the experience You sent me there to. As I see it, You made a wonderful, mysterious, and beautiful place. I tried to see as much of it as I could, and have to say I am truly in awe of its wonders. I think snow is one of Your most beautiful and spectacular creations. When you go out on a cold brisk night, after a fresh snow.. there is nothing more spectacular, it simply takes your breath away and makes you feel like life has started all fresh again. The ocean is marvelous, showing its life. People say the ocean calls to them, and Ya know Dad, it really does. If you sit in silence and just listen, you really can hear it talk, clearing your old thoughts and making the new thoughts come crystal clear, it inspires people to do some of the grandest things. The things I think You would be proud of them for. Music, art, love.. those things that I think reflect You.
Some of the earth I liked very much, and could marvel at for so very long, others were ok, but appreciate them for what they are.. Your creation.
People though.. well we gotta talk. I just don’t understand them sometimes. There are some truly wonderful people, but to run into them seemed to be rare. I think they got it all wrong Dad! I think they wasted their time. I watched floods of people who lived their life without experiencing any of it. I watched them wither in their loss of understanding. I don’t think they got Your messages. I think I failed in part of my life, for I could not have them understand. Of course there were the ones who completely lost their way, they did all their hurt intentionally. The ones I really had a problem with, were the ones who claimed they did everything in Your name. I simply do not understand that, cuz I know if You want something done You are strong enough to do it Yourself. They would shove a book in my hands and claim I needed to have it save me. Why I would always ask, how can that book do such a thing, and what exactly is it saving me from? They would say we are saving you from evil in Gods name. Wow what a statement huh? I thought I had been doing well at keeping evil from me, with the tools and the love and protection of You. I understood they meant well, but I'm tell'in Ya they were tenacious. Can You believe they would even tell me I ran the risk of going to hell because I did not follow their book, or go to this place they call a church. Now You said my bodies my temple and that I took for true. For it is there that I pause and take the time to pray to You. You and I have talked allot over the years of my life, but that was not enough said these people. Strange don’t Ya think? I watched these people for many years in total confusion. You remember when I was so confused and asking You so many questions? You said to me 'Lee that is why you are there, that is why I placed you on earth and let you free. Take some time to discover, and then come talk to me.' Well, I told them You and I had agreed not to speak for awhile. They were appalled at the thought. Maybe I did not give enough details or something. They also would smoother me when I got mad at You, and definitely did not understand when I said You were mad at me.
They forgot I think that You are my father, and sometimes we have little fights like all families do. They forget we forgive each other in time as our hearts heal and longing for each others love compels us to.
They insist people live to the rules of their interpretations of the book. But Dad, the rules can be so stifling they take the life out of life. They insist they know better then me, and they know You better then me. Well I simply dislike that statement and think it is rude. It is the sibling saying 'Dad loves me better then you'.
They preach that You are the judge, and none else shall judge. Contrary in their preaching and in their daily living they do allot of judging themselves. They in Your name would say who is wrong and who is right. Who is evil and who is good. How you should live the life You gave us to discover, and how not. Oh and Dad, if any fell, made any mistake in their eyes, it was terrible. They know nothing of forgiveness that I have seen.
Every year we celebrated the birth of Jesus. The celebration of Your gift to life. Wow You are a strong Man to have given Your flesh, Yourself to forgive our sins. They forget with that celebration, that a boy was not simply born. That he was born with purpose, and a horrid death he would eventually endure.
They forget His biggest, most heart wrenching lesson.. born of life, of flesh and blood from that moment to know He would be staked and bled to die. They forget He had a choice, to die for all of us, the ultimate in forgiveness for all mankind, or to live out His life as a simple human and let us deal with our own sins, to never be forgiven in the blood of Christ. How strong You had to have been dad, to watch and sacrifice your own son, my brother, for us. I know He is a part of You, but Ya know I have to think of Him as my big brother too. Some of these people mix so much of what they think they know, and forget the simple facts. You, My father and brother who mean so much to me, staked to a cross died for all of humanity. Yet as a human some could not forgive a few, yet never took into the fact You forgave all.
You gave me a gift, that I thank You so much for. You showed me love, not for one, but for all. Some tend to judge for all the wrong reasons. Saying morality or You dictated differently. Its sad sometimes what they instill into minds. Making people regret and dread.. or turn away from life. I applaud the strong who stick to their discovery of what life is. Those who learn how to love, those who take the adventure of life. Those who stopped and listened to You, and not let misguided souls dictate them from You.
Even if I did not like what some may do or say, I could still love them, accept them.. even if they could not forgive or accept me. For in the end I knew what mattered. I did as You said, I lived life, I experienced all I could, I loved.. and I enjoyed every bit of it.
Of course I have done some things wrong, but all in all Dad, I really did live as You taught me."
Then I wait for those magical words, that I do think God will provide.
"I am very proud of you Lee, welcome back"
Lee Kitts
This last was a letter Lee gave as a gift to her father and Me.