March 2008
"Well, Mulder, it looks as though this isn’t the first time Nancy Johnston has been caught cheating on her husband."
Fox waited until his partner was settled in the passenger’s seat of their rental before he pulled away from the curb.
"With another man or the same one who just died?"
"Someone else. Two someone elses."
Fox raised an eyebrow and glanced over at Scully. "At the same time?"
"Oh. Yeah. Seems she was cheating on the man she was cheating on Mr. Johnston with."
Fox gave his head a quick shake.
"Shit."
"Yeah. So, clearly, she’s a very sneaky woman."
"Sneaky doesn’t make her a murderer," Fox reminded her.
"The glass is half full, huh, Mulder?"
Fox was about to snap off a response when his phone rang. Checking the number, he smiled and answered.
"Hey."
Scully rolled her eyes at the soft, sweet tone and mumbled something that Fox couldn’t hear.
"How was your appointment?"
"It was okay," Alex answered.
"Everything fine?"
"As far as they can see, yeah. They’re going to let me start driving and lifting a little more weight in a few weeks."
"Good."
"Well, it’s the middle of the day. You must still be working, so..."
"Actually, we’re on the road," Fox answered. "Heading over to the jail."
"Okay, I’ll let you go. I just called ‘cause I said I would."
"That’s it?" Fox asked. "You mean you didn’t call just to hear the melodic sound of my voice?"
"Yeah," Alex droned, trying to mask the smile in his tone. "That was it."
"Thought so. You got plans tonight?"
"Yeah, I got a hot scrabble date with my brother."
"Is it a marathon, or will you be done early enough to talk?"
"I can play a couple of games just to shut him up then call you. What time about will you be in your room?"
"Well, I gotta go get dinner with Scully. If she has to eat motel food again tonight, she’ll kill me. But as soon as we’re done, I’ll boot her back to her room... maybe around eight?"
"Okay. Talk to you then."
"’Kay. Bye, Alex."
Fox disconnected and set his phone down on the seat, smiling.
"Well, wasn’t that sickeningly, obnoxiously sweet?"
"What?"
"Were you listening to yourself, Mulder?"
"No, I was listening to him."
"I don’t think I’ve ever heard that tone in your voice before."
Fox sighed. "What tone is that?"
"Sappy, Mulder. Mulder and Krycek sittin’ in a tree kind of sappy."
Fox shrugged. "I don’t know. I guess I am feeling kind of sappy."
"What about him?"
"Well... he’s talking. He’s admitted that he wanted more than just that one kiss, so..."
"He... Why didn’t you tell me about that this morning?"
"To irritate you."
"Good job. What else did he say?"
Fox smirked. "That he can’t fight how he feels."
"Which is?"
"He didn’t say the words, if that’s what you’re asking, and I didn’t push. I promised him we could take it slow, and that’s what I plan to do."
"Not much choice anyway, is there?"
"No," Fox sighed. "Not really. I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to hang."
"It’s only going to get worse, Mulder. You’d better figure a way to see him soon."
"I don’t know how. We’ve got cases up the wazoo, and he can’t leave New Mexico for a few weeks yet."
"Peter was talking about coming out for a visit after he gets his cast off. Maybe he and Alex can come together."
Fox groaned. "That’s about a month from now."
"Guess you’ll just have to sit tight until then."
"It ain’t gonna be easy."
"How’re you going to manage this, Mulder?" Scully asked. "I mean, have you really given thought to the difficulties of a long distance relationship?"
"Yeah, and I can’t say that I like it. Our work is here, and he’s stuck there for now... He had mentioned during our conversation a few days ago that he didn’t mind D.C. But even if he’d consider moving back, there’s the whole problem of him being close to his doctor. I really don’t think old Smokey would be agreeable to moving the guy out there on a permanent basis."
"It’s going to get mighty expensive if you’re going to be flying back and forth," Scully observed.
"We’ll figure something out," Fox assured his partner and himself. "But for right now, we’re just going to concentrate on getting to know each other and dealing with the other stuff."
"Other stuff being..."
"We’re going to be coping with his guilt issues for some time to come, I’m sure."
"Can’t fault him for that," Scully said. "If he wasn’t consumed with guilt, I’d be telling you to get as far away from him as you could."
Fox smirked at his partner. "I’m surprised you’re not telling me that now." The smirk grew into a smile. "Even though you’re playing kissy face with his brother."
"Hey, I’m in the same boat you are," Scully said. "Well, not the same. Mine is a little rowboat, floating on a peaceful pond. Yours is more like... well... Titanic comes to mind."
Fox cut her a look.
"Funny."
Scully shrugged. "Tell me it isn’t true."
Fox said nothing for the rest of the ride, and when they were done at the jail, they made one more stop before finding someplace to have dinner.
"Really, Mulder?" Scully said, looking around what basically amounted to no more than a truck stop.
"What? It’s quaint."
"Quaint. Mulder, that waitress has no teeth."
"She does too," Fox argued. "She’s just a little... gummy."
"I’m not eating here. I don’t care if it is only a stone’s throw from the motel."
"Fine," Fox sighed. "I guess we can go to that place that Chief Morrison talked about."
"Which is where we should have gone in the first place."
"Now we gotta drive all the way back into town."
"Aww, and we’re wasting time? You wasted time, Mulder, by dragging me to that dive. We should have gone straight to this other place."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."
They left the first restaurant and reached the second some fifteen minutes later. Another fifteen minutes passed before they were seated.
"See?" Scully said, looking around the clean, tastefully appointed room. "Napkins, tablecloths. Nice, right?"
"If you like that sort thing," Fox droned, looking around for the server. Minutes later, a pleasant girl appeared.
"Hi, I’m Bonnie. Welcome to Sydney’s. Can I start you out with some drinks and appetizers?"
Scully ordered white wine; Fox asked for a beer and a bowl of minestrone; and the girl bustled off with the promise to return soon. While she was gone, Scully sat back in her chair and smirked at her partner.
"So, Mulder. What do you think of your theory now?"
Fox stuck his lower lip out for second then pulled it back in. "I think it’s pretty sound."
"What?" Scully had to stifle a loud laugh. "How can you still think that after our little confab with the suspect’s sister?"
"She was pissed, Scully. Her own husband is on the growing list of men that Nancy has apparently slept with. She had no proof of anything."
"Come on, Mulder, admit it. There is no X-file here! Fodder for a Jerry Springer episode, maybe..."
Bonnie returned with their drinks and Fox’s soup then lifted her pad and smiled at the couple.
"So. Ready to order?"
"Oh. Uh...sorry, I haven’t even looked at my menu yet."
"Come on, Scully," Fox whined. "Don’t make her come back."
"No, no, it’s fine," Bonnie assured them, thinking that Fox’s concern lay with her. "I’ll be back in a few."
Before Fox could stop her, she was off, and he turned to his partner, sighing heavily.
"Dammit, Scully."
"Ohhh, whatsa matter?" Scully teased. "Afraid you won’t make it back in time for your phone call?"
Fox slumped back in his chair, arms folded across his chest.
"You’ve got your phone with you, you dope. You’re not going to miss the call."
"Yeah, but I don’t want to be in the middle of dinner when it comes," Fox countered.
"So, if it does, you tell him you’ll call him back. Oh. Wait. That’ll be time wasted that you could be cooing and purring at each other, right?"
"We don’t coo and purr at each other," Fox sneered.
"Not yet, you don’t."
Fox snorted and changed the subject back to the case. Right in the middle of the third volley, Bonnie came back.
"So, are we ready?"
"I think I’ll have the chicken Florentine," Scully said, closing her menu and handing it to the girl.
"Great. And you, sir?"
"Uhh..." Fox drummed lightly on the table, glancing quickly down at his menu. A tiny smile tilted his lips. "...I’ll have the spaghetti."
"Very good. Anything else?"
"No, we’re all set, thanks."
As soon as Bonnie was gone, they picked up their argument where they had left off, not stopping until the food arrived nearly thirty minutes later.
Fox dug in, urging Scully to do the same.
"If you want to be up all night with indigestion, that’s your privilege," Scully huffed. "But I prefer to eat like a civilized human being, thank you very much."
Fox stared blankly.
"Is this revenge for last night?"
"Oh, for the love of..."
"It is, isn’t it?" Fox asked. "You had a hamburger and onion rings. It could’ve been worse."
"It was undercooked and greasy," Scully said. "But I’m not mad."
"Not much, you’re not."
"Mulder, what’s the flippin’ big deal if you have to talk to him for a few minutes before you get to your room? Is it that personal that I can’t hear it? If so, I’ll cover my ears." Then she had a thought. "Oh. Oh, Mulder, you’re not..." She looked around the room and leaned in closer and murmured, "Are you having phone sex?"
Fox’s eyes widened. "What? No!" he said in a shocked whisper. "Jesus, Scully."
The redhead shrugged innocently and brought her fork to her mouth.
Fox blew out a heavy breath and tried to concentrate on his meal. But damn if Scully didn’t freak him out just a little bit with that question.
Toward the end of the meal Bonnie came around and asked if anyone might like dessert. Fox snapped off a quick but polite no, thank you, and Scully sounded an immediate objection.
"Speak for yourself! Can I see your dessert menu, Bonnie?"
Fox tossed his napkin on the table and fell back against the chair.
"I’ll get it to go," Scully said to the exasperated man then smiled at the server. "Sorry, he’s in a rush. Can I have a slice of carrot cake?"
"Be back in a sec," Bonnie promised and hurried off. She returned quickly, handing the boxed dessert to Scully, then she placed the check on the table and prepared to leave, but Fox asked her to stay. He flipped the slip of paper, looked quickly at it then whipped his wallet out, plucking off a few bills and handing them to the girl.
"Thank you. Everything was great."
"Thank you," Bonnie smiled brightly, having already processed in her head the large tip she’d just received. "Come see us again!"
"We’ll certainly do that." Fox got out of his chair and waved at Scully. "Let’s move it out."
"Sheesh." Scully slipped out of her chair, and Fox steered her out to the car. They weren’t on the road for more than ten minutes when his phone rang. He shot Scully a dirty look, and he flipped the phone open.
"Hey...yeah, sorry, I’m not in my room yet, but I will be in a few minutes... no. No, no, it’s okay. Yeah, we did. It was good. Guess what I had? ... Nope. I had spaghetti. Yep... I don’t know; I just saw it on the menu, and I thought of you, so..."
"Oh, please."
"Huh? Oh, that was just Scully." Fox reached across the seat and tapped the back of Scully’s head. "Yeah, she says hello."
"Ask him what Peter’s doing."
"She wants to know what Peter is doing... He’s sulking about losing three games of Scrabble."
"Ask him to tell him that I’ll call when we get to the motel."
Fox relayed the message then made small talk with Alex until he got to his room. Once inside, he removed his tie and jacket, kicked off his shoes and fell on the bed.
"Okay, so... how was your day?"
"Same as every other day," Alex answered. "It’s getting old."
"Maybe you could take up a hobby," Fox offered. "Is there anything you like to do?"
"Never really had time to find out."
"Yeah, well, I guess you wouldn’t," Fox murmured. "Was there anything you were interested in when you were a kid?"
"I don’t know. Wasn’t a kid long enough to develop any interests."
Fox sighed. "I think we’ve got more in common than either of us thought. My childhood ended when Samantha disappeared. I’d guess yours was over when Spender took you in."
"Pretty much."
"We’ll have to do some fun stuff then, won’t we?"
"Like?"
"I don’t know. Bike rides. Roller skating... camping. Maybe we can take in a baseball game or... or a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. That usually plays all over the place at Halloween... hey... Wanna go trick or treating?"
Alex rubbed his forehead. "...Sure... sounds good."
"Are you just humoring me?"
"Why do you say that?"
"You don’t sound particularly gassed about any of my suggestions."
"It’s not... We have seventeen hundred miles between us, and that’s just for starters."
"We’ll work it out," Fox promised. "Okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, okay."
"Alex," Fox called, reading the younger man’s tone. "Trust me?"
"...It’s funny."
"What is?"
"You. Asking me to trust you."
"You don’t think with the life you’ve had, you wouldn’t have trust issues?"
"Maybe. But you’ve never done anything to me... not that I didn’t deserve, anyway. You’re one of the few people in my life that I have no reason not to trust."
Fox was quiet for a moment, then he spoke.
"I know we weren’t going to talk about anything really heavy... you know, just... get to know each other, but I have a question, and I’m asking it because I think it’ll help me know you better. Is it okay?"
"...Yeah, I... I guess."
"Uh... my telling you that you need to stop feeling so guilty about everything isn’t enough. You can’t tell someone how to feel. I absolutely get that. But they’d done things to you... the drugs, the chemical brainwashing or whatever. I can still understand you feeling guilty; I would too, but... you’re so hard on yourself. How will you ever be able to accept any kind of attention or affection from me, if you refuse to forgive yourself?"
"Affection... from you. Do you know how alien that sounds?"
"Yeah, I know. But don’t change the subject."
"...I don’t know," Alex murmured truthfully. "Sometimes I..." And he stopped.
"Sometimes you what?"
"Sometimes I think I can do it. I can almost talk myself into it. Most times I can’t... I always want to."
"The times that you almost talk yourself into it," Fox asked, "how do you do it?"
"...By telling myself, basically, what you just said. Spender made me what I was. Literally. And the things I did to you weren’t my choice. Then I tell myself that if you of all people can find a way to get past it, I should be able to do it too. Then I..."
Fox waited patiently.
"...I tell myself that I’d have to be completely insane to let myself lose what I’ve... w-what I’ve wanted for so long." Alex went quiet after that.
"How long has it been?" Fox asked softly.
"I knew not long after I was assigned to you that you were... that I wanted..." He let that sentence trail off and started another one. "I also knew that it was way beyond my reach."
"Not so far as it turns out," Fox told him. "I’m right here, Alex. I’m not leaving. I’m not giving up. And I won’t let you give up."
Alex issued no response.
"Are you there?"
"Mulder, I’m..."
"What, Alex?"
There was that low, coaxing tone that turned Alex’s bones to rubber and made him want to tell Mulder everything.
"...Scared."
"I know," Fox whispered. "It’s okay to be scared. I’m scared. But I’m not going to let the fear ruin what I think could be a very good thing."
"I just... I don’t understand," Alex murmured. "Just a few weeks ago you hated me. I remember hearing the words, ‘worthless piece of shit’ the day of the surgery. How did I go from that to ‘a very good thing’? I mean, I know that Samantha had been on you about this, but... is that really what brought such a turnaround?"
"She definitely got me moving in the right direction... as slowly as that happened, but... a few days ago, I kissed you. And it was then that I knew that this was absolutely right."
Another question he really shouldn’t ask...
"How did you know that from one kiss? I didn’t even kiss you back."
"I know. And still you had that much of an effect on me. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like when you do."
"...When I do."
"Yeah," Fox said, fully confident. "When." Then he decided to be a bit of a tease. "You know you will. Let’s just admit it and move on." He listened to the silence then called to the other man. "Alex... you’re smiling, aren’t you?"
"...No."
"Yes, you are. I can hear it."
"You can hear it."
"Mmm hmm."
"You don’t quit, do you?"
"Didn’t I just say that?"
The only answer was a long sigh.
"What kind of music do you like?"
"...What?"
"What kind of music do you listen to?"
"I don’t... I guess I don’t really listen to music."
"At all?"
"Peter will have the CD player going sometimes, and I’ll just listen to whatever he’s got on. I don’t know the names of the songs or artists."
"Hmm. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who didn’t listen to some kind of music."
"What do you listen to?"
"Lots of different stuff. It doesn’t matter who the artist is or what type of music it is. If it appeals to me, I listen to it. I can burn some CDs for you if you like."
"I’m sure you have better things to do."
"Yeah. But since there’s... how far did you say? Seventeen hundred miles between us, those better things will have to wait. But uh... Peter and Scully are talking about him making a trip out to Washington after he gets his cast off. He may be willing to wait until you’re able to travel, and the two of you could come out together. Would you like to do that?" He could hear the increase in Alex’s respiration.
"I realize it’s about four weeks away, but for right now it’s the best we can hope for... Alex? Will you come?"
"Sheer will isn’t going to get it, Mulder. Not in this situation. There’s too much else."
"No, there isn’t," Fox said softly, insistently. "Alex," he breathed, "I need to see you."
"You don’t need to," Alex argued softly. "You might want to, but you don’t need to."
"Yeah, I do. Alex, I... I know we said we weren’t going to get into anything too deep, but it seems to be unavoidable. You’re on my mind constantly. Even when I’m working, you’re there. It takes me forever to get to sleep because I’m thinking about you... going over every second we’ve spent together."
"Of course you do," Alex answered. "You can’t help it with that memory."
"It’s not just stuff I see in my head. Every word, every facial expression resonates through every part of me. I’d never seen remorseful, grieving, frightened Alex before. I never dreamed he existed. That day in the hospital... the day I left you there on the balcony... the way you sounded on the phone after your nightmare. The night we fought in your room... I can’t ever forget the way you looked... the pain in your voice. I didn’t know what I felt at first... I was just... angry, I guess. Then confused. Then I started to realize that I cared. Now it tears me up to think of you hurting so much."
Alex sighed. "Mulder..."
"How do you feel about that?"
"...Bad."
"That all?"
"No. I feel... terrified. Hateful..."
"Who do you hate?"
"My... father. Myself."
"Why would you hate yourself?"
"For being so weak. I shouldn’t have allowed this. I should’ve... should’ve found a way to...w-when Peter told me that Samantha was dead, and they were going to give me her heart, I should have done something. Found a way to stop it. If I had, you never would have to have gone through the pain you did that night. I mean... maybe sooner or later you would have found out that she’d died, but at least you wouldn’t have had to go through the hell of giving her heart to the person you hated most in the world."
"It was hell," Fox said softly. "I’m sure I’ve told you that. But knowing what I do now, I’d make the same decision, Alex. Don’t doubt that. And we’d be exactly where we are right now."
"Not if I’d done what I should have."
"Don’t say that," Fox rasped. "Samantha’s gone. I’ve lost her. But out of that loss came this. You’ve got a second chance at life. You and I have got a chance at a good life. If we blow it, we won’t be giving full honor to her gift. And we sure as hell won’t be doing ourselves any damn bit of good."
"Being involved with me won’t do you any good," Alex said simply.
"I know you’re not going to up and stop believing that just because I tell you that you should. I know you’re going to keep having these setbacks for some time to come, probably. But I will not give up, you hear me? I don’t promise you that I won’t get frustrated or even angry... maybe very angry... but I do promise that I’ll keep working to make sure we don’t screw this up. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I’ll work to make sure that we don’t screw it up beyond all repair."
Silence followed his statement.
"Alex?"
"...Yeah?"
"You never really answered my question. Will you come see me?"
"I... We’ll see."
"I hope you know that if you don’t, the first opportunity I have, I’ll be knocking at your door."
"Mulder, I... You can’t be flying back and forth so much. It’s expensive. It’s time consuming..."
"Yes, it is. But the alternative is unacceptable. That said, I’ll repeat myself. I need to see you, Alex. Talking is great. It’s fine... for now. But not for too long. I won’t be okay with that, not after kissing you. It just... It changed so much. I just told you how much I think about you... Do you find yourself thinking any more about me?"
Alex ran one hand through his hair and clenched his fingers tightly in the strands at the back of his head.
"...I don’t know how I could think about you any more than I already did."
Fox undid a few buttons on his shirt and slumped down against the pillows.
"But do you?"
The answer came on a trembling sigh. "Yes."
"There’s that tone."
"What tone?"
"The one that breaks my heart and makes me wish like hell that you were with me so I could put my arms around you and hold you all night long."
"Jesus, Mulder, please."
"You want me to shut up?"
"I need you to."
"Why?"
"I told you, I... I don’t have the strength for this."
"You mean you don’t have the strength to resist me. I don’t see that as a bad thing, Alex."
"It’s not fair. You’re taking advantage of the situation."
"I’ll play dirty if that’s what it takes," Fox vowed. "...Please come when Peter does," he murmured seductively into the phone. "I don’t think I’ll be able to last longer than four weeks. I’m ready to pull my hair out now."
Alex squeezed his eyes shut and said nothing.
"Please say yes."
"Mulder..."
"I’m aching, Alex. Tell me you aren’t too."
"God... I... I... Mulder, please don’t do this to me."
"Do what? Torture you? Why not? You’re torturing me. Tell me, Alex. Tell me you want to be here with me. Spend all day together. Lie in my arms all night... I’ll keep the nightmares away, and neither of us will have to be alone. We’ll wake up together..." Fox took a deep, shaky breath. "Please come. Promise me you will."
Alex fought the images that Fox’s words conjured, but they won easily. He whimpered softly into the phone and nodded.
"I promise."
Golden brown lashes drifted down over tired eyes, and Fox breathed audibly into the phone.
"But, Mulder..."
Fox’s eyes opened.
"I don’t. I... I don’t know what a good idea it’ll be for me to s-stay with you."
"Nothing will happen that can’t or... shouldn’t... yet. I just want to be with you," Fox promised. "With no drama, no crap, no pressure. Just us. Okay?"
Say no. Say. No.
Alex’s hand tightened on the phone. "...Okay."
Good job.
"I wish there was a way to fall asleep right now and not wake up for a month," Fox moaned, then he let out a small, pained laugh. "God, if anyone had told me that I’d be on the phone, having this conversation with you, I would have laughed then shot them. Now I can’t imagine not being able to pick up the phone after a long day and hear your voice." His eyes closed again. "Talk to me, Alex."
"...’Bout what?"
"Anything you want. The weather. What you had for lunch... You can read me an article from a magazine. I don’t care."
"Uh... it was warm and dry today. I had tuna salad for lunch, and Peter threw whatever magazines were lying around the apartment into the recycling bin this morning."
Fox smiled. "You’re being difficult. Okay... speaking of Peter, what do you think about him and Scully?"
"At least I don’t have to worry that he’s involved with some brainless gold digger. Beyond that, I’d have to say that I’m shocked. I’d never have dreamed that Scully would have wanted to get anywhere near a son of that vile old bastard."
"She can look past his pedigree and see him for who he is."
"Pete’s a good guy. In spite of being raised by Satan, he never did really fit in with him and his cohorts. That’s why he was always left behind to hold the fort as it were, while little brother handled all the dirty jobs."
"But they could have drugged him like they did you," Fox reasoned.
"Not with the same results, I guess. We may be brothers, but we’ve got two totally different personalities. That descent into the sewer was a lot shorter trip for me."
"...There’s something I don’t understand. Uh... do you want to talk about this?"
"I owe you all the explanations I can give."
"I’d like answers to a lot of questions, Alex, but when you’re comfortable giving them."
"It’ll never be a comfortable thing, rehashing all the things I’ve done, so... fire away."
Fox proceeded carefully. "That day at the hospital, Peter said that you didn’t answer to Spender. When did that happen? I mean, if you were drugged, wouldn’t you follow his instructions without question? Always?"
"From what I could tell, they’d stopped the drugging years ago. But by then I was in it up to my neck. Espionage and assassination were a way of life. All I knew. It was some pretty damn poor judgment, but I stayed. More or less, with a few changes. Changes that Smokey and the boys weren’t particularly thrilled about, but they didn’t have much choice. I did what they asked only when I needed to throw them off track, and only if I was absolutely sure I could... protect you."
"...You were looking out for me?"
"Yes. I know it might not have seemed that way to you, but everything I did was to keep you safe."
"I believe you. And if I’m being completely honest, even back then, under the surface; you know, under the attitude that everyone else saw, there was something in me that responded to you. I’d want to dismiss whatever you’d told me, but there were always those little nagging thoughts, you know? Who knew that it was because deep down, in a place I’d never consciously go, I had a thing for you?"
Alex knew it, of course, but hearing Fox say that he had a ‘thing’ for him sent an unexpected shiver of pleasure through him. A feeling that, despite all of Fox’s assurances and pleading, everything in him told him that he should not feel.
"When did you realize you felt something for me? I mean, I know you said that you realized that you wanted me not long after we’d become partners, but was wanting me and having feelings for me the same thing?"
Alex fell into silence.
Just answer the damn question.
"...Yeah. Yeah, I guess it... it amounted to the same thing."
There. Easy, right?
"What was it that first attracted you to me?"
There is no easy with this man, you damn fool. Oh, God... ah, shit, just say it.
"...Your mouth."
"My mouth?"
"Yeah."
"What about my mouth?"
Bastard.
"...It was the sexiest mouth I’d ever seen."
The mouth in question twitched into a smile. "Had ever seen?"
"Well... you know, w-we’re talking in past tense, so... uh..."
"Uh huh."
Alex sighed in frustration. The sound made Fox smile wider.
"How ‘bout now?"
"Now?"
He was having too much fun to let Alex off the hook.
"Do you still think my mouth is sexy?"
Alex lightly banged the back of his head against the headboard of his bed.
"...Yeah."
"Did you ever think about what it would be like to kiss me?"
"All the time." The words came out in a hoarse croak.
"When we were working together?"
"...Yeah."
"I never noticed that you were looking at me that way."
"You were always so intent on whatever you were doing. I’d... I’d sneak little glances at you."
"To look at my mouth?"
"All of you. Your hands. The way you moved. I s... I studied your face. Memorized all the colors in your eyes. The slant of your nose..."
"God, why would you want to remember my nose?"
"I like your nose."
Fox laughed softly. "Okay..."
"...And... and... your mouth..." Alex sighed and went silent.
Fox could hear the discomfort on the other end. And something else that sounded to him like longing. He stopped teasing.
"You know, I thought it was the right thing to leave that day and let you absorb what had happened, but I can’t tell you how much I wish I had stayed. Damn, Alex, I’m sorry. I wasn’t prepared for the way kissing you would affect me. I had no idea how much it would affect you. This is going to be harder than I thought."
Alex’s jaw clenched. "That’s what I’ve been telling you."
"You know what it means?" Fox asked. "It means that there are some pretty deep feelings here. This wouldn’t be so hard if there weren’t."
Alex’s breath caught in his throat. He knew damn well how deep his feelings went, but what the hell was Fox trying to say?
"We have to fight, Alex. I know that you may not feel strong enough right now to do that... That’s okay. I can be strong enough for the both of us. Just trust me. We’re going to be okay."
"I don’t know how," Alex sighed, sounding more like he was talking to himself than to Fox.
"You just have to have faith," Fox assured him.
"That’s something I was never very good at."
"Understandable with the life you’ve had."
"How do you do it?" Alex asked. "You didn’t have the best life, right? How do you not lose your faith?" His voice got softer. "How do you not lose your sense of who you are?" Sadder. "How do you not lose heart?"
"I’ve lost those things," Fox answered gently. "More times than I can count. But something always seems to happen to bring them back... There’s some faith restoring stuff happening to you right now. You just need to see it for what it is."
"I’m trying."
"I know you are."
"It’s damn hard."
"Yes, it is."
"Hang on a minute, ‘kay? ...Yeah, Pete... funny. What d’you want? ...Yeah, I know, we talked about it... Don’t you think that should wait until after my appointment next week? ...No, I... I guess so. Okay. Just shut up and shut the damn door... Sorry, Mulder; Peter’s talking to Scully, and he wanted to ask me about going out to D.C."
"Oh."
"He wants to make the reservations tomorrow."
"Is he going to?"
"Yeah. I was thinking maybe it should wait until after my next checkup, but he said the earlier he makes them the better."
"He’s right."
"Yeah, he is on occasion. I just figured this next one is a biopsy, and we should wait to see how that turns out before making any solid plans, but he said we can reschedule if we have to."
"So, when we talk tomorrow, we’ll have a set date," Fox said, happy at the thought.
"Guess so."
"I’ll see about taking the time off."
"Mulder, you... you can’t possibly have any time left on the books," Alex reasoned. "And I’m sure Scully’ll want to have that time off."
"Yes, I’m sure she will, and you have no idea how much time I’ve got saved up."
"Don’t you think Skinner’ll be suspicious? You don’t take a vacation for years, and now all of a sudden, here you both are constantly taking time off."
"So? Let him be suspicious. We’ll put in for the time day after tomorrow. How long do you think you’ll stay?"
"I... I don’t know. A couple of days?"
"You trying to kill me? Your biopsies are every other week right now."
"Yeah."
"You’ve got the one next week and then one two weeks after that. And what’d we say... it’s four weeks until you reach the three month mark? After that, it’ll be what? Once a month?"
He was about to ask a stupid question, he knew, but...
"How do you know?"
"What, you think I haven’t done my homework?"
No response.
"So, anyway... you’ve got plenty of time before your next appointment."
"You don’t expect me to stay for a month, do you?"
"Don’t you think you deserve a nice long vacation?"
"Mulder..."
"I’m going to call Peter."
"Don’t do that, Mulder; he’ll drive me crazy."
"That’s the point." Fox picked up the motel phone and punched in Peter’s home number. "...Hey, Pete, it’s Mulder... No, I’m still talking to him. I called you on the motel phone. You still talking to Scully? ...Okay, I’ll make this quick. Alex and I were just doing a little figuring, and by our calculations, you guys won’t have to be back in New Mexico for a month if you come when you’re planning to... Yeah. Right... Well, I thought so... Yeah, so don’t let him bullshit you. You gonna make those reservations tomorrow? Great. Okay, I’ll let you go... Yeah. See ya." He hung up and turned his attention back to his first call. "Better leave a note for the milkman, Alex. You won’t be home for a while."
"What is it with you and my brother, planning my life?" Alex asked with a touch of weariness in his voice.
"Why? Did you have something else to do?"
"I could have."
"Like what? A hot date? I think I might be the jealous type, Alex. Besides, you don’t want to be alone on your birthday."
He remembered. Shit, of course he remembered.
"I’ve spent plenty of birthdays alone."
"Yeah, well, not any more."
A heavy sigh sounded on the other end, and Alex changed the subject a bit. "A month is... it’s..."
"Not long enough? I agree."
"I was going to say that it’s too long."
"You’re afraid that at the end of it you won’t want to go back."
"And things will get that much harder." Alex’s hand clenched in his blanket, pulling it into a gnarled pile beside his thigh. "Why can’t you see what a bad idea this is?"
"For the same reason, I guess, that you can’t see that it’s all going to work out... What else besides spaghetti do you like to eat?"
"Dammit, Mulder, you make me dizzy when you do that."
"Sorry. I was just thinking that I should make a list of food to have in the apartment. My fridge is usually pretty empty."
"Christ," Alex whispered then spoke up a bit. "Don’t go to any trouble."
"Uh huh. Let’s see. Fresh fruits and veggies... lean meats... You like brown rice?"
"Yeah. Mulder..."
"I’m trying to think of low fat dessert type stuff... How about Jell-O?"
"You’re just not going to listen to me, are you?"
"You just getting that?"
"I give up."
"Good. What about that Jell-O?"
"Lime."
"You got it. Ooh, how about angel food cake? I hear that’s not so heavy on the bad stuff."
"Great."
"Okay. I’ll work on the list and run it by you tomorrow, ‘kay?"
"Yep."
"You’re being awfully abrupt."
"Am I?"
"You trying to irritate me?"
"Why would I do that?"
"Can you stop answering my questions with a question?"
Alex fell into silence.
"Alex, I..." Fox stopped, catching the sharpness in his tone, and started again. "Alex... try if you have to. But you’re wasting your time. You know and I know that once you get here, all of this will be done."
"...That’s what I’m afraid of," Alex whispered.
"I know."
"I’m... I’m so..."
"So what? What are you feeling?"
"So many things, I can’t name them all."
"Take them one at a time."
"...Not now. I... I can’t... okay?"
"...Okay... you sound tired."
"A little."
"You want to go so you can get some sleep?"
Sleep. Pfffffff. But he lied so that maybe Mulder could get a good night’s rest.
"Yeah. Uh...y-yeah, I think maybe I should."
"Okay. I’ll give you a call tomorrow when I get in, okay?"
"...Okay."
"Have a good night."
"Y-you too."
There was a brief silence, then Fox heard the click signaling Alex’s disconnection. He hung up and let the phone drop to the mattress, and he sat there staring at nothing in particular for quite some time before getting up and stripping off his shirt. Dropping it across the nearest chair, he walked slowly into the bathroom.
"...Oh, yeah, first thing... Uh huh. Okay, I will. Yup. Talk to you tomorrow. Good night."
Peter hung up, smiling broadly. The smile faded quickly as he looked up in time to see Alex shuffling into the kitchen with a decidedly troubled expression on his face.
"Aww, what the hell?"
Hobbling after the younger man, he pushed the door open and called softly.
"Hey, kiddo. Have a nice talk with Mulder?"
Alex pulled a mug down from the cupboard and dropped a tea bag into it. He walked over to the stove and lifted the kettle, insuring that there was enough water in it, then he turned the flame up to high. When that was done, he leaned against the counter and stared down at the floor.
"A month, Peter."
The older man cocked his head. "A... Oh. Oh, yeah. Hey, we deserve it. You definitely do."
"...You might be right about that."
"Then why do you look so... Oh, you don’t mean it the way I do, do you? Okay, what are you thinking? That it’ll be some sort of torment? Is that why you’re saying you deserve it? Come on, Alex."
"'Come on, Alex,' what?"
"It can be an amazing four weeks if you let it be. Stop kicking yourself in the ass, and enjoy that time with him."
Alex pushed himself away from the counter and slid into a chair.
"That time. Four weeks." He looked up into his brother’s eyes. "Then what?"
Peter scratched the back of his head and said nothing.
"How long are we supposed to do this?" Alex asked in a soft, despondent tone. "Not that we should."
"Alex..."
"That’s something that no one seems to get," Alex moaned. "None of this should be happening."
"Why?"
"Are you serious, Peter? There are only a handful of people who know what I’m all about. And one of them has been talked into thinking that I’m his... his soul mate by our sister’s ghost. He’s gone completely around the bend; don’t you flake out on me too."
"You ever stop to think that you’re the one who needs a good dose of reality?" Peter shot back gently. "Think about it. The man wants you. And you just said it yourself in so many words... He’s in a position to know better than just about anyone else, the person you were, and somehow he’s managed to look past it and see the man you really are... the man who loves him desperately."
"You sound like a sappy romance novel," Alex said to the table.
"I don’t hear you denying it."
How could he? To lie at this point would be damn stupid, not to mention a step back, and he wouldn’t do it. He owed Mulder more than that. Instead, he chose to remain silent and hope that Peter would leave it alone.
"How ‘bout it, kid? You wanna look me in the eye and tell me I’m wrong?"
"...Not really."
Peter nodded. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really."
"Don’t you think you’d feel better if you did? I mean, I’m assuming that you haven’t told him."
"Peter, I appreciate your concern, but my feelings are not up for discussion, okay?"
"Not even with the guy you’ve got them for?"
Alex got up from the table and retrieved the whistling kettle. He poured the boiling water into his mug, and without another word, he walked out of the room.
Peter tipped his head back, raking his hands through his hair. Taking a deep breath, he followed his brother into the living room.
"Leave me alone, Peter."
"You’re going with me to D.C., right?"
Alex sipped at his tea.
"You can’t tell me that it wouldn’t be nice to celebrate such an important birthday with him."
"What’s so important about turning thirty nine?"
"You know what I mean. Come on, kid, think about it. The four of us could go out somewhere for a nice dinner, or you could spend the time alone with him, if that’s what you’d prefer... I’m making reservations tomorrow for the both of us."
"’Course you are."
"I’m not going to let you spend your birthday alone."
"You’re not going to let me make my own decisions." Alex shrugged, looking into his mug. "You haven’t since I got sick; why would you start now?"
"I’d be happy to if your decisions weren’t so self destructive. You’ve got a damn good shot at happiness, Alex. I can’t stand by and let you blow it."
"Mulder already made me promise that I’d go."
Peter broke into a grin. "Can’t say no to him, huh? Awwww."
"Shut up."
"’Cause you luuuuuuuv him."
"As soon as I get the all clear from the doctor, I’m going to kick your ass."
Peter chuckled and dropped onto the sofa.
"Loosen up, kiddo. Mulder sure has."
Alex let out a long sigh. "No shit."
Peter cocked his head. "Can I ask you a question?"
"No." Alex lifted one hand and let it drop heavily to the arm of his chair as his brother ignored him and posed his question.
"What are you afraid will happen if you give in to your feelings?"
"You may think you know how much he’s suffered at the hands of that old bastard, but you have no idea. I may have his best interests at heart, but dear old Dad doesn’t. Do you really think that Mulder deserves to have any more exposure to him than he already has?"
"Spender’s not the one that Mulder wants a relationship with, Alex, it’s you."
"But he’s my father. That just compounds the pain!"
"Mulder seems to be handling it fairly well. It’s you who’s having a hard time with it... Listen, I understand that your intentions are honorable. I understand you feel the need to save Mulder from more pain. But to stay away from him at this point... you’d only be causing him pain, not preventing it."
"Maybe. But not for long." Alex looked up at his brother, eyes brimming with agony. "Before it goes too far, it’s got to be stopped."
"Alex, I think it may well have already gone past the point where all he’d feel is some fleeting disappointment. For you to think anything else is pretty foolish, in my opinion."
Alex closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. Peter studied him for a moment.
"You know it, don’t you? Alex? Is Mulder in love with you?"
"He didn’t say that."
"But you know."
"He said he wants me. There’s a very big difference."
"Okay, okay, if you want to be technical about it. But even if he isn’t in love with you just yet, he’s well on his way. And what about you?"
"What about me?"
"What about your pain? You’re so in love with him you can’t think straight. If this all comes to a grinding halt, where does that leave you?"
"It doesn’t matter."
"The hell it doesn’t!"
Alex set his mug down with a thump, splashing some of its contents onto the coffee table.
"It doesn’t! All that matters is that he isn’t hurt any more than he already has been!" The burst of anger spent itself quickly and gave way to pleading. "Help me, Peter. He won’t... he... I can’t do this. I can’t, I..."
"Alex, if you’re asking me to help you chase Mulder away, forget it. And since when do you need my help?"
"Because I..." Alex shocked ten years off of Peter’s life with his sudden candor. "All he has to do is talk to me in that... that tone he uses, and I can’t, I... Whatever little bit of will I’ve managed to scrape up is shot to shit. If we’re face to face, I won’t stand a chance."
"Well. That’s the first bit of pure, unfettered emotion I’ve seen from you. I’m glad. But, no, kid. I won’t help you. Not to destroy your life, anyway."
"Would you rather destroy one life or two?"
"What?"
"You don’t get that, do you? My life is screwed no matter what."
"It isn’t, Alex. What do you think? You think that love isn’t right unless it’s all sunshine and butterflies? I got news for you."
"How the hell would you know?" Alex snapped. "You and Scully make goo goo eyes at each other for a few weeks, and all of a sudden you’re a relationship expert?"
"It’s just common sense," Peter tossed back. "Something, little brother, that you’re clearly lacking right now."
Alex sat, tapping his fingers on the table for a moment, then rose and took his mug into the kitchen. He reappeared seconds later with a damp sponge. Cleaning the tea he’d spilled, he returned the sponge then walked without another word into his bedroom.
Fox sat slouched against his pillows, flipping blindly through channel after channel. Finding nothing to keep his interest, he dropped the remote and ran his fingers through his shower-damp hair. Sleep was not going to come easily tonight, he could tell. His conversation with Alex didn’t end on the pleasant note he’d have liked it to, and it weighed heavily on him tonight.
He glanced at his travel alarm.
Eleven-ten. Not too late, he thought to himself. Maybe he should call Alex and see if he could smooth things over a bit.
Before he could argue the thought, his phone rang. Quickly, he snatched it up and checked the screen. Frowning, he answered.
"Pete? Hey... uh... is something wrong?"
"Sorry, Mulder. I didn’t mean to scare you. No, nothing’s wrong. Well..."
"Well, what?"
"How was your talk with Alex earlier?"
"Could’ve been better. I was just sitting here thinking about it. Why?"
"I could see it all over his face when he came out of his room. So, I bugged him about it."
"And?"
"You made him promise to fly out to see you when I go."
"Yeah."
"I think you should know that he asked for my help."
"With?"
"With finding a way not to go."
Fox said nothing.
"Sorry, buddy. I just thought you should know."
"Don’t worry about it," Fox said. "I’m not surprised. But I’m not letting him off the hook."
"God, I’m so glad to hear that. He wants to go, Mulder. Please don’t think that he doesn’t. It’s just that he’s so friggin’ concerned about you, you know? He’ll put himself through holy hell to protect you. I tried to convince him that staying away from you wouldn’t be the best thing for either of you, but he doesn’t think I have any idea what the hell I’m talking about. I said this to you, Mulder, the day you flew out here to see him, but I need to repeat it. He loves you. He loves you with everything he has in him, and he’ll do whatever he feels he needs to, to keep you from being hurt again. Even if it means that he’ll be in agony for the rest of his days. Or rather, he wants to do what he feels he needs to. But apparently your voice seems to have a quality to it that turns my little brother to silly putty, so that’s about all we have working in our favor right now. Use it, man."
"I already told him I’d play dirty if I had to."
"Atta boy. I hate that he might feel like he’s being ganged up on or backed into a corner, but I don’t know any other way to get him to the place he needs to be."
"Which is?"
"With you. Once he’s spent some quality time with you, he’ll figure it out. He knows it’s where he wants to be, but he needs to know that it’s where he should be. By the way, I don’t know if you know it, but his birthday is soon."
"April ninth."
"Yeah. I made mention about maybe the four of us going out somewhere, or if he wanted to just be alone with you, it’d be okay with me."
"Did he answer?"
"No, he was too busy accusing me of making his decisions for him. But my guess is, once he gets there and sees you, he won’t want any part of anyone else."
"I told him I’d take the time off so we’ll have plenty of time to spend together, and we’ll see what happens."
"Yeah, we will. Okay, Mulder, I’ve kept you long enough. I’m sure Alex will tell you about the reservations tomorrow, so I guess I’ll see you in a few weeks."
"Okay, I’ll see you then. Have a good night, Pete, and thanks for calling."
"No problem, buddy. Goodnight."
Fox hung up and closed his eyes, groaning softly. "He’s a seriously huge pain in the ass, Samantha," he murmured. "I know, I know, it’ll all be worth it, right?" He opened his eyes and sighed heavily. "It’s a hell of a thing, though, you know?" Laughing softly, he looked around the nearly dark room. "I don’t even know if you can hear me anymore. I might just be talking to myself, huh? I don’t know. Anyway, uh... I just wanted you to know that I’m pretty damn well screwed. Don’t know if you know it or not, but I kissed him a few days ago, and it was like... I don’t know, like switching on a dozen floodlights in a pitch dark room. I... I got it. Everything you’d been trying to tell me. It was like..." He snapped his fingers.
"But it’s not that easy for him. He’s got so much goddamn baggage. So many fears and regrets. I’m not sure what to do to reassure him. I mean, it’s easy to tell him not to worry and that everything will be okay, but how can I expect him to believe it? Just because I say it doesn’t necessarily make it so, does it? I have to prove it to him. Show him. I’ve got a month. If I can’t do it in that time, I don’t know what’ll happen." He sighed softly. "Guess I shouldn’t borrow trouble, should I? Guess I should just take it one step at a time." His eyes drifted shut again, and he went back, as he had dozens of times already, to that day in Peter’s kitchen.
The look of utter agony in Alex’s eyes as he came into the room to tell him that he was leaving. The scent of him filling Fox’s nostrils as he moved in close. The feel of his mouth. The taste. The way he trembled when Fox backed away from him. He could feel the despair, the longing that Alex couldn’t give voice to. Fox never wanted him to feel that hopeless again. But he didn’t know that it was preventable. Not if Alex couldn’t be made to understand that he was worthy of Fox’s absolution and his affection.
"I need your help, Samantha," he murmured. "If you can hear me... what do I... I don’t want to push too hard, yet I don’t think I can afford to be... I don’t know... wishy-washy. So, uh... if you can give me some sign or... something, that... that’d be really good."
Those were his last thoughts before sleep took him.
"Mulder... Mulder."
"What?" Fox lifted himself to his elbows and blinked at the hazy figure by his bed.
"You know how long I’ve been trying to wake you up?"
He squinted at Scully then looked to his clock.
"Shit."
"No kidding. What, were you up all night talking to Krycek?"
Fox shook his head slowly. "No," he mumbled. "No, I... I got to sleep at a decent hour. God, I slept like the dead."
"Apparently." Scully sat down on the edge of the bed. "You gonna get up, or what?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Well, this’ll get you moving." Giving her partner a mild scowl, Scully cleared her throat. "Nancy Johnston was found dead in her cell early this morning."
Fox pushed himself into a sitting position, now fully awake.
"Suicide?"
"There are no initial signs of it, according to Chief Morrison."
The golden brown head cocked to one side. "Then, what?"
"Don’t know. Won’t know until I do the autopsy."
Fox heaved a hard sigh and scrubbed his hands over his face before getting out of bed.
‘I’ll be ready in a few minutes."
Scully watched him disappear into the bathroom then retrieved one of the two cups of coffee she’d brought with her. She dropped into a chair and waited for all of fifteen minutes before Fox emerged, showered and dressed only in his underwear. He pulled a fresh suit out of the closet and proceeded to get dressed as he and Scully chatted.
"So, did you and Peter have a nice talk last night?"
"We usually do." Scully sipped carefully at the still very hot coffee. "How about you? Have a nice chat with Alex?"
Fox tucked his shirt into his pants and pulled the zipper up.
"He almost got me going." He bucked his belt then sat to put on his socks and shoes. "Almost."
"How d’you mean?"
"He keeps have these little spurts of... I don’t know... willfulness, I guess you could call it. I asked him to promise me that he would come with Peter to visit, and he did. But then he would think about what a bad thing it would be, and his mood would change. He was all over the place, Scully, and it was starting to get to me. But..." He stood up and secured his weapon to his belt. "...I recognized that my patience was wearing a little thin, and I gave a little ground. Not a lot, just enough to let him know that I’m not to blow my top every time he provokes me. Maybe if he knows it isn’t going to work, he’ll stop."
"You think so?"
Fox draped his tie around his neck and disconnected his cell phone from the charger. "I don’t know, but I..." He looked at the screen. "Did you leave me a text message?"
"Huh? No."
"Hmm." Fox checked the message and frowned at the phone.
"Mulder?" Scully got up and approached him. "What is it?"
"I don’t... It’s just a one word message."
"What’s it say?"
"...Easy."
"Easy?"
"Yeah."
"Where’d it come from?"
"I don’t... I don’t know."
"There’s no name? No number?"
"No." Fox stared at the phone for a moment then looked up at Scully. "It’s Samantha."
"What?"
"I asked her for help last night."
"And you think that’s it?" Scully asked, pointing at the phone. "Easy? What’s it supposed to mean?"
"I guess... she must mean for me to take it easy."
"Um... okay."
"What, no argument?"
"Would it do me any good?"
"No."
"All right, then. But, Mulder. Easy. Don’t you think a message from your sister would have been a little more... I don’t know... profound? Instructive?"
"Maybe it takes a lot more for her to contact me from where she is now. Maybe she has to be... economical."
Scully didn’t have the heart to argue with him. She knew the amount of pain he’d been in since he’d told her that Samantha was gone. If this one four-letter word on his cell phone gave him hope that his sister had managed to reach him, who was she to dispute it?
"Maybe. Well... I’ve got an autopsy to perform. You ready to go?"
"Yeah." Fox looked at the message one more time then picked up his jacket and keys and followed Scully out the door.
End of chapter
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