As Gerald's birthdate approaches I reflect on his life, on my life, on our lives together. A year has never passed that we didn't do something to celebrate July 29th. As a young boy, a birthday party was inevitable. Food, fun, games, gifts, family and friends. A day of smiles, preparation and surprises. As he grew older, the day was still celebrated but this time with dinners, lunches, and money was the favorite recognition that God had blessed me with a son. A beautiful, strong, inquisitive, intelligent, caring and generous son. Then as Gerald struggled to understand, accept or change life's disappointments and trials, we still celebrated July 29th. Now it was with cards and visits to the prison or the rehab center. Our conversations were different but I still eagerly anticipated them, although I rarely had the answers to his questions about life. I did have lots of love to give him. I still was ready to assure him, as Mommas do, that "It's going to be allright. Don't worry. Keep praying. Listen for God's instruction. Study His word. I love you and God loves you more." But Gerald was restless, angry, confused. Asking the whys of life. Feeling forsaken. All alone. Wounded. "Earthly" fatherless. Abandoned. Gerald and I wrote to each other often the last several years of his life. Gerald was always a writer, a thinker, a reader. Still inquisitive as he was when a young boy, but now the questions were more serious and thought provoking. Now the outcome of being inquisitive was not so pleasant. Now there were severe consequences to actions. These actions placed him in dangerous places. And that also eventually led to his murder, in the early morning hours near 27th and Arch in Little Rock, AR. Gerald was brutally murdered. I raced to the hospital in Little Rock from Memphis in the early morning hours on September 20, 2006. Praying and crying and screaming and praying.... but still knowing. I could feel my angels gathering closer to me, embracing me for the pain that was about to engulf me. The doctors at the hospital said that he was shot 5 times...in the head, the chest, stomach and twice in the back. They said they could not save him. The hollow point bullets shattered inside of him. I wanted to hit them. I was angry with them. Then I heard an animal like sound coming from somewhere....a wierd scream of intense pain. I stepped outside of my physical body and realized the noise was coming from me. "Take it back, take it back. Don't say that. Go back and save him. It's your job. Isn't that what you were trained to do?" I fell to the floor, screaming, got back up....wanted to sink into the floor, to disappear, to go back in time. What do I do? I can't think! "God, I praise your name, I love you, thank you Father, help me Father!" What else do I say? In order to remain sane and move forward with life, I choose to believe that God saw Gerald's struggle and was merciful. I cannot think in terms of Gerald being murdered....it's more than a mother can take. God knows. He knows His own action to His Son's murder. He brought Him back. I don't have that power. Now I plan for another approaching birthdate, but my oldest son will not be there. Lord, continue to walk with me....continue to carry me, for I'm not able to do it right now. Lord, continue to have mercy. AMEN
On September 20, 2006, just two days after my birthday, my oldest child, Gerald Kunene English, was tragically murdered.....shot down in the streets of Little Rock, AR. And with that brutal and senseless act, my life has been changed forever. A change that I would not wish on my worst enemy. A change that no parent should ever have to bear. The pain.......my God......the pain! Only someone who has experienced it can understand.
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