Rob's Top Five Lists
Enter at your own risk...
Top 6 Cartoon Character Pick-up Lines
6. Droopy-- "Hi, I'm Droopy, but not for long..."
5. Bugs Bunny-- "Ehh, now that I've got these Viagra carrots,
guess what's up, doc!"
4. Porky Pig-- "L-L-L-Let's go back to m-m-my place and
f-fu-f-f-fu... hump!"
3. Aladdin-- "The hell with the lamp, rub THIS and make both
our wishes come true!"
2. Inspector Gadget-- "There's this one gadget I've been DYING
to try..."
1. Speedy Gonzales-- "Seenorita, eet's just a neekname!"
Top 6 Rejected Slogans For The Army
6. Undefeated since 1975!
5. Except for the large bleeding wounds, it's just like
paintball!
4. One armored tank: $2.8 million
One loaded machine gun: $625,000
One Army standard toilet plunger: $1,000
Cleaning the urinal with a toothbrush because there was a
small scuff on your shoe: priceless.
3. Open fire in your high school -- Media outrage and possible
jail time.
Open fire in the Army -- Chest full o’ medals, baby!
2. At least the Village People never wrote a song about us.
1. Come play with our privates!
Top 5 Rejected Action Hero Catch Phrases
5. "Let's agree to disagree, punk."
4. "Use the big-ass gun, Luke!"
3. "You're gonna want to put some ice on this!"
2. "A little song, a little dance, a little can of Whoop-Ass down
your pants."
1. "I know you are, punk, but what am I?"
Top 5 Signs Your Kid Has a Pokemon Card Gambling Problem
5. Hocks the dog for a Pikachu and 2 Jigglypuffs.
4. You find a My Little Pony head in his bed.
3. Has taken to calling you "Daddylion" and "Mommozar."
2. Christmas list includes Legos, in-line skates, and $30,000 to
pay back "Vinnie the Shark."
1. You receive a package from summer camp containing Billy's
ear and a note asking for Charizard.
Top 5 Signs Your Police Department Sucks
5. Final exam consists of guessing the end to a Scooby Doo episode
4. Spent all of last year's budget on a bronze replica of Barney Fife
3.Bulletproof vests issued to cadets are merely Domino's Heat Wave pizza carriers with armholes
2. Across the street from PD: Dunkin' Donuts, Winchell's, and a house they're tearing down to make way for a Krispy Kreme
1. When the commanding officer says "Put a cork in it," he's referring to your weapon
Top 5 Signs Your Pet Is Depressed
5. Your fish purchases a rope and a helium balloon
4. Fluffy stops leaving dead mice on the doorstep, starts leaving Marilyn Manson CD's
3. Rover used to be so energetic, but now he just stands there and lets the frisbee bounce off the side of his head
2. Keeps running at the electric fence with the sprinkler in his mouth
1. "Yo Quiero Prozac!"
Top 5 Unpublished Beatles Songs
5. Got to Get You Off of My Wife
4. Eleanor Furby
3. She Came In Through the White House Window
2. Lay Me, Madonna
1. All You Need is Drugs
Top 5 Fun Things to Do When Ordering a Pizza
5. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song
4. Stutter on the letter "p"
3. Order a Whopper Value Meal
2. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread"
1. End the call by saying "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Top 5 Signs You Joined A Cheap HMO
5. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento
4. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers
3. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in
2. Tongue depressors taste faintly of fudgesicle
1. No X-ray machine, but each doctor is issued a paor of "X-ray specs"
Top 5 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
5. Someone call the janitor. We're gonna need a mop!
4. Wait a minute. If that's his spleen, then what's that?
3. Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad dog!!
2. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 mL of this stuff before?
1. You know, there's big money in kidneys. Hey, this guy's got TWO of them...
Top 5 Signs There's Something Wrong With Your School Lunch
5. The bucket they're serving the vegetable soup from looks a lot like the bucket the janitor washes his mop in
4. You're not sure, but you THOUGHT you just saw a lunch lady straining spaghetti through her hairnet
3. Until now, you never knew pickles grew hair
2. The macaroni and cheese is two different colors, and you know it wasn't YOUR doing...
1. The periodic serving of "albino pot pie" and the chronic disappearance of lab rats from the science department seem more than coincidental
Top 5 Signs You're in the Wrong Church
5. Church bus has a gun rack
4. Services are B.Y.O.S.--Bring Your Own Snakes
3. Karaoke Worship Service
2. No cover charge, but there IS a 2 drink minimum...
1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
Top 5 Signs You Hired a Bad Magician
5. Saws a Gummi-Bear in half, then sticks it back together
4. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma
3. Offers a choice of "ribbed" or "lubricated" balloon animals
2. She agreed to do tricks at your teenage son's birthday party, but you don't see a top hat or a deck of cards anywhere...
1. That wasn't a rabbit he just pulled out, and that wasn't his hat that he pulled it out of
Top 5 Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then
5. Chastity belts require a password rather than a key
4. Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay
3. Horses routinely stop in midstride, and require a boot to the rear in order to start again
2. Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXV actually not released until the spring of MCCCXXXVI
1. The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, such as stonemasonry and weaving
Top 5 Signs You Weren't Cut Out to be a Hollywood Stunt Person
5. Healthy dose of common sense along with a strong instinct for self-preservation
4. Still can't shake childhood nickname of "Splat"
3. Your fake punches are so bad even the WWF won't hire you
2. Director not impressed by Mommy's note pinned to your shirt outlining all your food allergies
1. Stunt scenes require many takes because your catheter line keeps getting tangled in your crutches
Top 5 Signs the Chinese "Year of the Rabbit" has begun
5. Always a line for carrots in the produce aisle
4. "Another Oscar? For me? Doc, you shouldn't have!"
3. Time's Man of the Year: Ross Perot
2. Cocoa Puffs and Raisinets. Everywhere you look, Cocoa Puffs and Raisinets!
1. You are overcome by an incredible urge to mate indiscriminately and produce as many offspring as possible--or was that the year of the NBA basketball player?
Top 5 Children's Books You'll Never See
5. Candy From Strangers Tastes the Best
4. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
3. What's That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
2. "Pop Goes the Hamster" and Other Fun Microwave Games
1. Playing Chicken For Dummies
Top 5 MORE Children's Books You'll Never See
5. Dad's New Wife Timothy
4. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.
3. Babar Meets the Taxidermist.
2. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
1. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
Top 5 Changes in the New "Wizard of Oz"
5. Due to increased interest in political correctness, the Scarecrow is now referred to as The PETA-Approved Crow-Frightening Person of Straw, the Tinman is called The Non-Gender-Specific Recycled Metallic American, and the Cowardly Lion is now known as The Assertiveness-Challenged Feline.
4. New scene added which shows the Munchkins asking the Wizard for testicles
3. Dorothy wakes up in rehab and swears she'll lay off the stuff forever
2. Victim of a careless oversight in 1939, Strom Thurmond is finally credited for his role as "Elderly Farm Hand No. 3"
1. Tinman axes Toto after hearing "Yo quiero Taco Bell" for the zillionth time
Top 5 Words That Sound Dirty But Aren't
5. joystick
4. masticate
3. cockeyed
2. Volvo
1. crotchety
Top 5 Slogans That Never Quite Caught On
5. CHARMIN: Butt... Wipe... Err...
4. MICROSOFT: How much are you going to pay today?
3. MTV: Loud and easy to spell
2. APPLE-MACINTOSH: Hey, We thought of it first!
1. DAISY AIR RIFLES: Keeping kids off your lawn for over 40 years
Top 5 Signs You Spend Too Much Time With Your Computer
5. You name your kids Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom
4. All of your friends have an @ in their names
3. You tell the cab driver you live at www.123.elmstreet/house/bluetrim.html
2. You suffer withdrawals when the server is down
1. As your car crashes through the railing on a mountain road, your first instinct is to look for the "Back" button
Top 5 Drill Sergeant Pickup Lines
5. What's a weak, pathetic piece of $#%@ like you doing in a @*%!# dump like this?!
4. You make me hornier before 9 a.m. than most people do all day!
3. Soldier, I'm admiring your strategic, frontal mammary tissue mounds, two each!
2. Wanna help me get an "honorable discharge?"
1. Uncle Sam ain't the only one who wants you!
Top 5 Things You Don't Want to Hear Over An Airline P.A.
5. This is your captain speaking. I'd just like to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as flotation devices.
4. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If anyone recognizes where we are, tell the flight attendant and receive a free bag of peanuts.
3. These planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to, so you'll have to give me some leeway...
2. Is that one ALWAYS on E?
1. We've reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and... uh-oh...
Top 5 Newly Discovered Nostradamus Predictions For the Year 2000
5. Joy and happiness shall reign supreme as five billion people realize they'll never again have to listen to a much-despised song by an ex-prince
4. A giant fiery ball will drop out of the sky onto the square of Times in the new city of York, causing much screaming and wailing
3. Women shall take fitness advice from a hyperactive, frizzy-haired man of questionable sexuality
2. The one-gloved king of the land known as Pop will form an unholy union with a particularly naughty chimpanzee
1. A child shall repeatedly conquer death, and his name shall be Kenny
Top 5 Rejected "Peanuts" Specials
5. Good Grief, Your Dog's On My Leg Again, Charlie Brown!
4. It's Called Rogaine, Charlie Brown!
3. Woodstock Meets The Window Of Doom
2. Your Beagle Is Roadkill, Charlie Brown!
1. Tinky Winky's Looking At You THAT Way Again, Charlie Brown!
Top 5 Things On Barbie's To-Do List
5. Weekly tanning session in Easy Bake Oven
4. Get jiggy in the barracks with G.I. Joe
3. Have a party and invite all her plastic friends
2. Another night searching in vain for Ken's "accessory"
1. Ransack the house looking for that arm the dog chewed off
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