Rob's Top Five Lists
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Top 6 Cartoon Character Pick-up Lines

  • 6. Droopy-- "Hi, I'm Droopy, but not for long..."
  • 5. Bugs Bunny-- "Ehh, now that I've got these Viagra carrots, guess what's up, doc!"
  • 4. Porky Pig-- "L-L-L-Let's go back to m-m-my place and f-fu-f-f-fu... hump!"
  • 3. Aladdin-- "The hell with the lamp, rub THIS and make both our wishes come true!"
  • 2. Inspector Gadget-- "There's this one gadget I've been DYING to try..."
  • 1. Speedy Gonzales-- "Seenorita, eet's just a neekname!"

    Top 6 Rejected Slogans For The Army

  • 6. Undefeated since 1975!
  • 5. Except for the large bleeding wounds, it's just like paintball!
  • 4. One armored tank: $2.8 million
    One loaded machine gun: $625,000
    One Army standard toilet plunger: $1,000
    Cleaning the urinal with a toothbrush because there was a small scuff on your shoe: priceless.
  • 3. Open fire in your high school -- Media outrage and possible jail time.
    Open fire in the Army -- Chest full o’ medals, baby!
  • 2. At least the Village People never wrote a song about us.
  • 1. Come play with our privates!

    Top 5 Rejected Action Hero Catch Phrases

  • 5. "Let's agree to disagree, punk."
  • 4. "Use the big-ass gun, Luke!"
  • 3. "You're gonna want to put some ice on this!"
  • 2. "A little song, a little dance, a little can of Whoop-Ass down your pants."
  • 1. "I know you are, punk, but what am I?"

    Top 5 Signs Your Kid Has a Pokemon Card Gambling Problem

  • 5. Hocks the dog for a Pikachu and 2 Jigglypuffs.
  • 4. You find a My Little Pony head in his bed.
  • 3. Has taken to calling you "Daddylion" and "Mommozar."
  • 2. Christmas list includes Legos, in-line skates, and $30,000 to pay back "Vinnie the Shark."
  • 1. You receive a package from summer camp containing Billy's ear and a note asking for Charizard.

    Top 5 Signs Your Police Department Sucks

  • 5. Final exam consists of guessing the end to a Scooby Doo episode
  • 4. Spent all of last year's budget on a bronze replica of Barney Fife
  • 3.Bulletproof vests issued to cadets are merely Domino's Heat Wave pizza carriers with armholes
  • 2. Across the street from PD: Dunkin' Donuts, Winchell's, and a house they're tearing down to make way for a Krispy Kreme
  • 1. When the commanding officer says "Put a cork in it," he's referring to your weapon

    Top 5 Signs Your Pet Is Depressed

  • 5. Your fish purchases a rope and a helium balloon
  • 4. Fluffy stops leaving dead mice on the doorstep, starts leaving Marilyn Manson CD's
  • 3. Rover used to be so energetic, but now he just stands there and lets the frisbee bounce off the side of his head
  • 2. Keeps running at the electric fence with the sprinkler in his mouth
  • 1. "Yo Quiero Prozac!"

    Top 5 Unpublished Beatles Songs

  • 5. Got to Get You Off of My Wife
  • 4. Eleanor Furby
  • 3. She Came In Through the White House Window
  • 2. Lay Me, Madonna
  • 1. All You Need is Drugs

    Top 5 Fun Things to Do When Ordering a Pizza

  • 5. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song
  • 4. Stutter on the letter "p"
  • 3. Order a Whopper Value Meal
  • 2. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread"
  • 1. End the call by saying "Remember, we never had this conversation."

    Top 5 Signs You Joined A Cheap HMO

  • 5. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento
  • 4. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers
  • 3. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in
  • 2. Tongue depressors taste faintly of fudgesicle
  • 1. No X-ray machine, but each doctor is issued a paor of "X-ray specs"

    Top 5 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

  • 5. Someone call the janitor. We're gonna need a mop!
  • 4. Wait a minute. If that's his spleen, then what's that?
  • 3. Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad dog!!
  • 2. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 mL of this stuff before?
  • 1. You know, there's big money in kidneys. Hey, this guy's got TWO of them...

    Top 5 Signs There's Something Wrong With Your School Lunch

  • 5. The bucket they're serving the vegetable soup from looks a lot like the bucket the janitor washes his mop in
  • 4. You're not sure, but you THOUGHT you just saw a lunch lady straining spaghetti through her hairnet
  • 3. Until now, you never knew pickles grew hair
  • 2. The macaroni and cheese is two different colors, and you know it wasn't YOUR doing...
  • 1. The periodic serving of "albino pot pie" and the chronic disappearance of lab rats from the science department seem more than coincidental

    Top 5 Signs You're in the Wrong Church

  • 5. Church bus has a gun rack
  • 4. Services are B.Y.O.S.--Bring Your Own Snakes
  • 3. Karaoke Worship Service
  • 2. No cover charge, but there IS a 2 drink minimum...
  • 1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"

    Top 5 Signs You Hired a Bad Magician

  • 5. Saws a Gummi-Bear in half, then sticks it back together
  • 4. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma
  • 3. Offers a choice of "ribbed" or "lubricated" balloon animals
  • 2. She agreed to do tricks at your teenage son's birthday party, but you don't see a top hat or a deck of cards anywhere...
  • 1. That wasn't a rabbit he just pulled out, and that wasn't his hat that he pulled it out of

    Top 5 Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then

  • 5. Chastity belts require a password rather than a key
  • 4. Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay
  • 3. Horses routinely stop in midstride, and require a boot to the rear in order to start again
  • 2. Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXV actually not released until the spring of MCCCXXXVI
  • 1. The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, such as stonemasonry and weaving

    Top 5 Signs You Weren't Cut Out to be a Hollywood Stunt Person

  • 5. Healthy dose of common sense along with a strong instinct for self-preservation
  • 4. Still can't shake childhood nickname of "Splat"
  • 3. Your fake punches are so bad even the WWF won't hire you
  • 2. Director not impressed by Mommy's note pinned to your shirt outlining all your food allergies
  • 1. Stunt scenes require many takes because your catheter line keeps getting tangled in your crutches

    Top 5 Signs the Chinese "Year of the Rabbit" has begun

  • 5. Always a line for carrots in the produce aisle
  • 4. "Another Oscar? For me? Doc, you shouldn't have!"
  • 3. Time's Man of the Year: Ross Perot
  • 2. Cocoa Puffs and Raisinets. Everywhere you look, Cocoa Puffs and Raisinets!
  • 1. You are overcome by an incredible urge to mate indiscriminately and produce as many offspring as possible--or was that the year of the NBA basketball player?

    Top 5 Children's Books You'll Never See

  • 5. Candy From Strangers Tastes the Best
  • 4. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
  • 3. What's That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
  • 2. "Pop Goes the Hamster" and Other Fun Microwave Games
  • 1. Playing Chicken For Dummies

    Top 5 MORE Children's Books You'll Never See

  • 5. Dad's New Wife Timothy
  • 4. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.
  • 3. Babar Meets the Taxidermist.
  • 2. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
  • 1. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.

    Top 5 Changes in the New "Wizard of Oz"

  • 5. Due to increased interest in political correctness, the Scarecrow is now referred to as The PETA-Approved Crow-Frightening Person of Straw, the Tinman is called The Non-Gender-Specific Recycled Metallic American, and the Cowardly Lion is now known as The Assertiveness-Challenged Feline.
  • 4. New scene added which shows the Munchkins asking the Wizard for testicles
  • 3. Dorothy wakes up in rehab and swears she'll lay off the stuff forever
  • 2. Victim of a careless oversight in 1939, Strom Thurmond is finally credited for his role as "Elderly Farm Hand No. 3"
  • 1. Tinman axes Toto after hearing "Yo quiero Taco Bell" for the zillionth time

    Top 5 Words That Sound Dirty But Aren't

  • 5. joystick
  • 4. masticate
  • 3. cockeyed
  • 2. Volvo
  • 1. crotchety

    Top 5 Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

  • 5. CHARMIN: Butt... Wipe... Err...
  • 4. MICROSOFT: How much are you going to pay today?
  • 3. MTV: Loud and easy to spell
  • 2. APPLE-MACINTOSH: Hey, We thought of it first!
  • 1. DAISY AIR RIFLES: Keeping kids off your lawn for over 40 years

    Top 5 Signs You Spend Too Much Time With Your Computer

  • 5. You name your kids Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom
  • 4. All of your friends have an @ in their names
  • 3. You tell the cab driver you live at www.123.elmstreet/house/bluetrim.html
  • 2. You suffer withdrawals when the server is down
  • 1. As your car crashes through the railing on a mountain road, your first instinct is to look for the "Back" button

    Top 5 Drill Sergeant Pickup Lines

  • 5. What's a weak, pathetic piece of $#%@ like you doing in a @*%!# dump like this?!
  • 4. You make me hornier before 9 a.m. than most people do all day!
  • 3. Soldier, I'm admiring your strategic, frontal mammary tissue mounds, two each!
  • 2. Wanna help me get an "honorable discharge?"
  • 1. Uncle Sam ain't the only one who wants you!

    Top 5 Things You Don't Want to Hear Over An Airline P.A.

  • 5. This is your captain speaking. I'd just like to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as flotation devices.
  • 4. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If anyone recognizes where we are, tell the flight attendant and receive a free bag of peanuts.
  • 3. These planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to, so you'll have to give me some leeway...
  • 2. Is that one ALWAYS on E?
  • 1. We've reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and... uh-oh...

    Top 5 Newly Discovered Nostradamus Predictions For the Year 2000

  • 5. Joy and happiness shall reign supreme as five billion people realize they'll never again have to listen to a much-despised song by an ex-prince
  • 4. A giant fiery ball will drop out of the sky onto the square of Times in the new city of York, causing much screaming and wailing
  • 3. Women shall take fitness advice from a hyperactive, frizzy-haired man of questionable sexuality
  • 2. The one-gloved king of the land known as Pop will form an unholy union with a particularly naughty chimpanzee
  • 1. A child shall repeatedly conquer death, and his name shall be Kenny

    Top 5 Rejected "Peanuts" Specials

  • 5. Good Grief, Your Dog's On My Leg Again, Charlie Brown!
  • 4. It's Called Rogaine, Charlie Brown!
  • 3. Woodstock Meets The Window Of Doom
  • 2. Your Beagle Is Roadkill, Charlie Brown!
  • 1. Tinky Winky's Looking At You THAT Way Again, Charlie Brown!

    Top 5 Things On Barbie's To-Do List

  • 5. Weekly tanning session in Easy Bake Oven
  • 4. Get jiggy in the barracks with G.I. Joe
  • 3. Have a party and invite all her plastic friends
  • 2. Another night searching in vain for Ken's "accessory"
  • 1. Ransack the house looking for that arm the dog chewed off

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