A THIRD GRADER EXPLAINS GOD
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THE DEVIL IN CHURCH
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Because I've been married to your sister for over 48 years!"
THE WEDDING VOWS
During a wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows,
the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped, looked around, and finally, in a tiny voice, said "Yes."
After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal??!!" The pastor took out a $100 bill from his pocket, put it into the groom's hand and whispered back,
"She made me a MUCH better offer!!!"
THE LITTLE WEDDING BOY
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
And so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR.... all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
THE PHILOSOPHY OF LOVE
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, watches your TV, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place,...
then you either married it, or gave birth to it!!
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused, and then said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
CAN'T BEAR TO PRAY??!!
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. Full of fear, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"
Then, there was a lightning bolt in the air and the bear stopped a few feet short of the hunter. The bear had a puzzled look for a moment, and then looked up into the air and said,
"My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive..."
JESUS VS. SATAN ON THE COMPUTER
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of their computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that'll run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused away.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent out faxes.
They sent out e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course, the electricity went off. Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on.
Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do?" He asked God, "What happened to Jesus' work?" Jesus was just sitting there smiling. Again, Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. Jesus turned his computer back on. The screen glowed and when he pushed 'print', it was all there.
"How did he do it?" Satan asked.
God smiled and said, "Jesus saves."
THE RIGHT EMAIL ADDRESS??!!
It's wise to remember how easily technology can sometimes be misused unintentionally, with disasterous consequences.
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a holiday in sunny Florida. His wife, on a business trip, was due to join him down there on the following day. Upon his arrival, the man decided to send his wife a quick e-mail to her office. Unable to find the scrap of paper where he had written down his wife's e-mail address, he decided to type it in from memory.
Unfortunatly, he mis-typed one letter of the address and the note was, instead, directed to an elderly preachers wife whose husband had passed away the day before. Upon checking her e-mail, the grieving widow read the note, let out a piercing shriek, and fell on the floor in a dead faint!
Her family rushed into the room and saw what was written on the screen:
To my lovely wife
Just got checked in here
Everything's prepared for your arrival tomorrow
Love, your husband
P.S. - It sure is hot down here!
CAUGHT UP IN THE SPIRIT
In a tiny town in west Texas, at that town's Baptist church, they were having a revival. A guest preacher was hosting the revival and the whole town was in attendance for the weekend celebration. On the last day, the evangalist was really preaching up a storm and the whole congregation was really getting into it! People were shouting, dancing, and jumping for joy!
Just as the excitement reached a feverous pitch, a young woman in the balcony, dressed in a white lacey dress, was so overcome with the spirit and the joy that she jumped a little too high and fell over the edge! At the last second, she reached out and grabbed a hold of the chandeler!
As she hung there, swinging back and forth above the whole congregation of the church, the preacher saw what had happened and quickly shouted out to the people,
"By the power of God, the first man that looks up will be STRUCK BLIND!"
At that moment, a little old man in the back stood up, put his hand over the side of his face and declared,
"I believe I'll take a chance on my LEFT eye!"
CHILDREN ARE GODS GREATEST GIFTS!
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest....
Better To Be Safe Than.... Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The.... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before.... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of.... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.... How?
Don't Bite The Hand That.... Looks Dirty.
No News Is.... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A.... Mr.
You Cant Teach An Old Dog New.... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll.... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.... Me!
The Pen Is Mightier Than The.... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is.... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There is.... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who.... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is.... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's.... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What.... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh & The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry.... and You Have To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As.... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not.... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed.... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You.... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind.... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like.... Aunt Eddie.
DONATIONS FOR THE POOR
The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand. As he was doing this he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you!"
THE NEW PASTOR
A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the back of the door.
Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock:
if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."
Genesis 3:10: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked:
so I hid myself."
WHEN YOU CARE TO SEND THE VERY BEST...
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace!"
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location!"
PSALM 23 (for the Cyber-Age)
The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installeth his software on the hard disk of my heart;
all of His commands are user-friendly. His directory guides me to right choices for His name's sake.
Yea, though I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear no bugs or viruses, for He is my backup.
His password protecteth me.
He prepares a menu before me in the presence of mine enemies. His help screen is only a keystroke away.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my computing life, and my file will be merged with His and saved forever. Amen.
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk man replies:
"No use knockin' mate, there's no toilet paper in this stall either!"
RELIGIOUS QUESTIONS ANSWERED
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharoah's daughter--she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. - Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. - David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. - The apostles were all in one (Honda)Accord.
A. - 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the book of Genisis it states: In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out of the Garden of Eden?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan--the banks were always overflowing.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharoah's court.
Q: What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
A: It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.
Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, the son of Nun.
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!
Q: How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
A: Because Noah sat on the deck.
CHURCH BULLETIN HUMOR
These are ACTUAL Announcements Taken from Real Church Bulletins:
1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Baptist Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
24) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
25) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Up Yours."
HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS
The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday school class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week:
The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day so I bought the bumper sticker and put it on the back of my car. I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I might never have noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go!....Go! Jesus Christ! Go! Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida behind me because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters in Christ and drove through the intersection. I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign I had just learned one more time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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