A little background:

I worked at a Summer Camp for two years as a teenager and that's where I met
what the person whom to this day I call my 'first love'.   I still love him to this day
even though our lives have taken different paths and while I know that the chances
of us ever seeing each other now are slim to none..
He still makes frequent appearances in my dreamlife.

So, Jay, where ever you are...I hope you are happy, safe and well.

The Dream:

I was on a cruise ship somewhere off the European coast and I was sitting in my stateroom..
still in my wedding dress.  My luggage was all stacked up against the wall as if the porter
had just brought it in and left it but I couldn't bring myself to unpack.  I had just run away
from my wedding in Greece- left the groom at the alter- and I was still in my wedding dress,
just sitting there, crying.   I don't know what motivated me or how I get into it- but I found
myself changed into a black, formal dress and ascending the staircase of the great ship to the
casino.  The casino of the ship was grand and very 'classy'.. no Vegas neon or other assorted
cheese.  I was playing roulette- still feeling rotten and sad and I didn't even know if I was
winning or loosing- it didn't seem to matter much all I knew was that I was playing.   A
hand fell upon my shoulder and instead of jumping at the suddenness of it- I felt
a sudden calmness and clarity fall over me and I knew who it was. When I turned
around, there he was smiling brightly just as handsome as he was when I first met him and
all dapper for the gambling... at his side was a small boy which I instantly recognized to
be his young son.   We spent hours catching up and laughing and talking and the feeling
of me loving him the same way I did and had in the beginning had never changed... it was
the same.  But I also knew he was married and that he had a child... And like the time before, we
could never speak on what we felt -always skirting the subject.  Suddenly, I felt terribly hurt
and angry.. as if there was a great weight on my chest and the frustration, sadness and
loneliness of not being able to tell the one person in the world you love the most-
that you simply love them....   It all came back.. and I backed away and started to run away..
down the staircase and to my stateroom.  He followed me and wanted to know why I had run and
then I told him how I'd run out on my own wedding and how I couldn't really ever move past this love
and how I needed him and cared for him so... The look in his eyes was terribly sad and regretful and his
hands fell on my arms when he told me that his life had taken him to another woman and that he
couldn't help me with this.  But I could see something more than an apology behind it-
I could see that longing there too.  And then I broke down and cried.. with him holding me..

And I woke crying.

So now here I am a little less than 24 hours later from the dream and it has been
with me all day and it has caused me to miss him more than I usually do... and I just
had to write this before I forgot the dream.. because I miss him terribly and sometimes it feels
like I have so few pieces of him and bits of memory to hold on to about him anymore..
and I just want to keep them all.  Safe inside my heart so that I can go on loving him....