A nun gets on a bus late at night and discovers that she is all alone except for the driver. "Listen driver," says the nun, "I have just found out that I am dying of an incurable heart condition. I don't want to die having never had sex, so is there any chance that you could help me out while we are alone?" The driver thinks about it and eventually agrees.
"There are two conditions though", says the nun, "You mustn't be married because I can't commit adultery and you are gonna have to do it up my arse because I have to die a virgin".
The driver has no problem with this and off they go to the back seat where they commit the act.
Afterwards the driver is full of shame for what he has done. "Listen, Sister", he says almost in tears, "I have to confess to you that I am a married man with children."
"That's okay", says the nun, "as I too have a confession. My name's Fred and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."
A priest is spending the night at a hotel and asks the receptionist to join him in his room for dinner. After they have eaten the priest makes a pass at her, but she stops him and reminds him that he is a holy man.
"It's okay," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So the receptionist gives in to his advances and they spend a night of lust and passion together. In the morning the girl asks to see where it is written in the Bible that it is okay, so he pulls the Gideon copy out of the draw and on the front page in pencil someone has written, "The girl on reception will screw anybody."
Q: What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?
A: Somebody who knocks on your door at 7.30 on a Sunday morning and tells you to fuck off!
Not long after he had been created, Adam noticed that all the other animals had a habit of disappearing into the forest in pairs and returning some time later with big grins on their faces. He inquired of the Lord as to what was going on.
"That, my son", said God, "is called reproduction. Why don't you take Eve into the forest and find out about it yourself?"
Adam did as the Lord suggested, but the next day he returned with another question. "Lord", asked Adam, "what's a headache?"
Seems that God was just about done creating the universe, but he still had a couple of left over things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up to pee. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple when he found them hanging around underneath an apple tree. "I was wondering if either of you wanted that ability?"
Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It's the sort of thing that a man should do. Oh, please, oh PLEASE! Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to. When I am working in the Garden or naming the animals I could just let it rip. I'd be SO cool. Oh please God, let me stand and pee, oh please......." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one to be given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was, and it was...well and good.
"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of left over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
Elvis, Liberace and River Phoenix are getting pretty bored hanging around in heaven and ask God to let them return to earth for a day for some fun. God agrees to their request, but warns them that they will go straight to hell if they even think of a sin while they are on earth.
Anyway, there they are walking down Hollywood Boulevard when Elvis spots a bar. He thinks for a moment and then heads towards it, but the instant that he touches the door, POUF!, he's gone. The others think, "Hmm, God was serious".
A little further on River Phoenix spots a bag of coke in the gutter. He thinks for a moment, bends down to pick up the bag and POUF!, Liberace disappears.
A man walks into a Catholic church and tells a priest that he wants to join his religion and train to be a priest.
The priest says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow; you cannot get an erection during the training period." The man agrees.
The priest strips the man of his clothing, ties a bell around his penis and puts him in a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. The priest sends a naked woman across the room and all the bells are quiet, save for the man's.
The man begs for another chance, which finally is granted. The woman walks by and the man's bell rings again. The priest says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit to be a priest in the Catholic Church."
As the man bends down to pick up his clothes, all the other nine bells start ringing.
© Religious Truth 2001