At 49 years old now and a different outlook on life, this page is very hard to write.
I have lived through it and saw the misery it caused. I dislike it for my daughter alot too.
But if it will stop one person who reads it from dating a married man, I will be grateful. Morals are so important.
I got married when I was 15. And married a good-looking and good guy. At 22 I left. I wasn't happy. We couldn't have children for some reason and I was bored. I had worked mostly part-time because it didn't matter. He didn't care if I worked or not.
Since I got married young, and quit school in the 9th grade. I got my GED and when I was 29 went to College for a year.
I wanted to be Single. Never had been. I dated alot and had a good time. And at 22 I met Charlie. He was 32 at the time, married, 3 kids at home. He is a Conductor for Union Pacific Railroad and has been working there 40 years the first of May. Lives in North Little Rock, AR.
It wasn't love or lust at first sight. Just having fun. Harmless fun I thought. He worked a freight job...one day in Texarkana, the next day at home. We started seeing each other. I told myself that I would just have a little fun and move on. No harm done to anyone.
Before I hardly knew it, 2 years went by. I knew I was in love with him and he with me...but nothing would ever come of it. I am living in the exact same apartment complex, and as I sat here and type, I look out my large plate glass LR window and can see the door of the guy's apartment that I met that was single, a supervisor at Cooper Tire (we have a plant here where they make the tires) His name is Paul. 1976. I turned 25 in March of that year. I decided to break it off with Charlie in November.
I was working at Globe Union Battery Plant. Had worked there for 3 years. Sharing rent with a girl that worked there too. He came in on a trip, and I told him. I didn't ask him to get a divorce. I was just going to move on. Two weeks went by. He called and wanted to talk. I let him come over and we talked. He had been married at that time for 16 years. He told me that he had told his wife about me and was moving out after Christmas.
I had been dating Paul for a few months by then, and didn't break it off with him. He didn't think I really loved him as much as I did....and I was trying hard not to. He also had 3 kids at home that were all under 13 years old at the time.
January came and I was still seeing Paul. I had no perception of what was to come. Charlie started coming in, drinking and picking up every woman in sight.
He had decided to stay home and not leave. And in February, I knew I didn't care enough about Paul to stay with him.
Charlie was partying up all hell. Very mad at me. I had screwed his marriage up and also what we had between us.
So, in Feb. 1977...at 25 years old, I quit my job, lost my apartment and let the bank have my car back. I went to my Mother's house and layed down in her back bedroom. And layed there until January 1978.
The only time I got up was to use the bathroom, and about every month or two...I would get my sister Betty to drive me to see him. (the RR guys stayed in a motel while they were here)
I had quit having periods from depression. So, finally a guy I had worked with at Globe Union looked me up. And got me out of that bed. In April of 1978, only 2 months after I had started seeing this guy, I went to the Doctor to see why I wasn't having my periods. I was 4 months pregnant.
Finally got back up.Four months pregnant. Oh gosh, I thought I couldn't have kids! I was overjoyed!! It didn't matter. I was up and on my feet and having a baby! :-)) I went to Charlie and told him.
He wanted me to get an abortion. I said, "hell no!" Everytime I would talk to him about it for the next month, he wanted to pay for an abortion. My baby was kicking by then and saying "Mom, I am here and alive! Don't listen to my ass-hole Dad."
At 6 months pregnant, Charlie left me. He went on a job in the yard in Little Rock. I had no job. I had quit mine when I layed down in that bed the year before.
On 7-8-78 Angie was born.
Nine days after she was born I drove to Little Rock Freight Yard and showed the baby to her Dad. He came up to my car and if I was there 5 minutes, I might be exxagerating. He said he had to get home. That was his meeting with his baby daughter. I drove home and didn't see him again until she was 3 months old.
He bid a job in coming back to Texarkana. By the time she was 6 months old, we were back together. He ignored Angie as much as possible,,,never offering to buy her anything she needed. And I had gone back to work in a Convenient Store. We stayed together almost 16 more years. My place one day, home the next. It was the way his job worked.
Around 13 he started paying attention to her. Helping me buy her school clothes, Christmas presents, etc. She looks just like him and acts just like him. He saw that in here and liked it.
Angie is a strong, serious minded, fiercely determined, ambitious girl. And so is he as a man. By then, his 3 kids at home were growing up. He put them all through College. And Angie was just like "kinda hid in the closet."
She started asking me questions about her 2 brothers and sister. I told her what I knew about them. I told him she was asking the questions. She mostly ignored him when he was around.
When she was 15, he and I started talking about him admitting parentage on her Birth Certificate through an Attorney. And also "bringing her out of the closet." She wanted to meet his side of her family. I worried and thought about it for several months. I loved him so dearly, and didn't know what the outcome would be.
1994... I knew it was taking a big chance and it was a big decision. He was going to have to go home and tell his wife and grown kids about Angie in order for them to meet her. She deserved to know her family, but could I live without the love of my life.? Him. I knew I would loose him over this.
For the most part, we had gotten along through the years, and loved spending time together. I cannot put into words how much I loved him. I had been with him since I was 22...I was now 42.
I ask him to get a divorce, his kids were all grown. He said no. He is very materialistic and by that time had been married for 34 years. She knew about me through the years, but turned her head to it. I thought back to 1975, and spending that year in bed.... Was I a stronger person now? Could I handle it if he was gone for good? Could I handle not letting Angie meet her family?
I had no choice for my daughter than to let it happen. After several months of trying to decide, I told him to go ahead with it. He ask me if I wanted to go through with the admitting of parentage first. I said it can be done later.
I have to tell you I thought the sun rose and set in his ass. We could talk for hours, make love for hours, be open and the best of friends. We could go for a country ride and turn it into an adventure. He had been good to me for several years. He made sure Angie and I didn't need for anything anymore moneywise. So, in May 1994 Angie met them. He had told them about her and they wanted to meet her.
She went to meet them, my Heart died...
I had always taught Angie that education is Important. She was in the 10th grade and quit school because I was so sick.
My family tried to take care of her, but she instead moved in with a guy she had met that lived at home with his Mom and Grandma. And when she turned 16 in July, she went to work in a Hamburger Joint. (Carole's son owns it)
She would come and see me in that Hospital and all I could do was cry.
I was there the last time for 4 months before I was released. She couldn't stand it, and I don't blame her, so she quit coming. I ended up with Social Security Disability for Panic Attack Disorder, Chronic Depression, and Generalized Anxiety. In 1995, I tried to put my life back together again. Charlie had been gone for over a year.
My daughter was with Jimmy. I was so full of guilt for failing my daughter. I had never felt guilt before, even from seeing a married man for 20 years. I came home from the Hospital, but I had no Home. And I still couldn't face my daughter without crying.
So I left. She was with Jimmy and his family and wanted to stay there, so I moved to one of my sister's house in Hot Spring, AR.
I stayed there for several months and went to visit my X sister-in-law in Mena, AR. We have known each other since she was 9 and I was 13. She and her husband live in the country there and have 10 acres with a Pond.
She talked it over with her husband and offered to buy a Mobile Home and put it on their property for me. I would pay them rent. So I said okay. I moved there in August of 96.
I had gained ALOT of weight. So I started trying to lose it.
Jim and Kathy stocked the Pond with catfish, and in the Spring, he plowed up a Garden Spot for me. I was healing. I fished everyday. Worked my ass off on that Garden! :-)) And loved every minute of it. I would go to Texarkana and not cry anymore around Angie. I drove to see Charlie a few times in Mineola. But, it wasn't "there" for us anymore. I still loved him and always will, but I couldn't get over the way he had done his child of mine. Charlie does what Charlie wants to do. And he could have had a relationship with Angie and left his wife and me out of it.
A year and 2 months after I moved to Mena, and I had just met Robert there....Angie broke up with Jimmy. She ask me to come home. She had just turned 18. She was working in a Harvest Food Store. I came home.
She didn't have the Income to afford a place of her own. She and I moved in together as Room-mates. I talked her into getting her GED. And we went to Charlie in Mineola (where he was going on the trains) and ask him to help her go to College. He said no. She nor I have seen him since.
She changed jobs and has worked for this Company for almost 4 years and is the Manager of 2 of their stores now for over a year. She is on Salary and makes $28,000 a year with Medical included. Not ALOT of money, but not bad. Robert moved right in behind me from Mena. I lived with my daughter until this past September.
For the past 4 years, I have written to Charlie at the Motel he stays at now in Longview, TX. about twice a year. To let him know how Angie is doing. Occasionally I send him pictures of her. Two years ago, she wanted a nice car. She needed a co-signer. I called him and said co-sign for Angie. He said he would if they would send the paperwork to him in Little Rock. She picked out a car, they sent them to him, he signed.
In September of last year, I thought it was time for me to let her be "on her own." I thought she was ready and able. So I moved out and a friend of her's moved in to share expenses. They have a ball! Both girls love 'em and leave 'em. :-) Haven't found the right guy. They both work hard on their jobs and have a good time too. I don't feel guilty anymore. She knows I am here for her. But she doesn't need me except to be her friend and Mom.
Two months ago Charlie fell backwards off of a box car. Broke his shoulder blade in 4 places. I found out about it a few hour after it happenned because Carole works there. It happenned around 1 am on March 27th. Carole called and told me at 5 am. Around 10 am I went to Angie's job and told her. She said it was weird because she had dreamed her Dad was standing watching her sleep and it woke her up about that same time. That is weird! She sent him a Get-Well Card. So, that is "The End"
I am glad too. My fingers are sore! :-)