That is correct all you wonderful people. The Church Of Gerbil (CoG) has
entered into a Holy War, a net crusade if you will. Our enemy The Church of the
Bunny. Being the first Holy War to take place on the web, we have a standard to
set for millions of religious fanatics to follow, The Gerbil calls upon us all in these
trying times, so may we please do our best to answer his small but important
requests? It was long thought that we were losing this war horribly, and to tell you
the truth (since the Gerbil doesn't lie) we were. But now since we have been
flogged for 40 days by a wet noodle and we are back in spiritual shape, we are
ready to wash over the earth in rabbit blood. We want to give a special shout out
right now to all you who sent us email in support. You will be rewarded in this life
and the afterlife. And a special shout out to that guy who sent me the picture of
500 dead bunnies. Note: The Church of Gerbil does not truelly condone harm to
small fuzzy animals of any kind. Gerbilists worship rabbits as minor deities, it is
only their worshipers we wish to eradicate.
Who are we fighting?
That is actually a very good question. Like most holy wars, we aren't out to
stomp out the evil Satin (spelled that way on purpose), but rather for purely
personal gain. Furthermore, the bunnies theology differs from our own in one
important area, Lime Green Jello. For gerbilists, lime jello is a beautiful thing, not
only nutritionally, but in other ways also. What would be better than to dive into a
pool of jello on a hot day! Can you feel that soft cooling frictionless substance on
your skin as you suffocate at the bottom of the pool.... Ahhhhh how beautiful.
What are we fighting for?
Don't' Ask Me I Don't Give A Damn! The Next Stop Is Bunnyland! thank you
Country Joe McDonald. Seriously, our goal is unity of all fuzzy religions under
Gerbilism. We would much rather prefer assimilation to all out carnage, but some
people don't like peaceful negotiations.
What do we hope to accomplish?
Yet Another Excellent Question! Since CoG and CotB are so similar, yet so
vastly different, we will hold off on ritual sacrifice of CotB members, and instead
only ask the The Church Of The Bunny lie with all the other fuzzy animal
religions, under the great big Gerbilism umbrella. If, however, they do not wish to
comply, then we break out our electric knives and assure that they only have one
paw to leave on the ground!
How can I help?
Perhaps the most important question of all!! How YOU can help is simple. Give us
your first born child for ritual enslavement. Do not deny the Gerbil. Do not betray
the Gerbil. Pledge your support for the Gerbil every where you go.
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