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English rapidly becoming Heaven's top language

HEAVEN, Universe (GTA) -- Statistics show that English is expected to surpass Latin as the most-widely used language in Heaven by 2009. Meanwhile, as the number of English speaking inductees increases, so have the number of English conversation schools. In addition, English books, tapes, CDs, and radio programs are everywhere as students hope to meet and converse with more people.

According to the Vatican, which remains in close contact to Heaven, there will not be enough English teachers available to fill the growing demand. Schools cannot hire qualified teachers fast enough.

Heaven Eikaiwa has become so popular recently, that even Jesus Christ himself recently purchased a two-hundred block of tickets for Nova.

"Jesus comes twice a week to my lesson. I asked him why he wanted to study English and he said that he wanted to meet and speak to lots of foreigners and maybe even travel to America someday," said Heaven Nova teacher Glenn Schumacher. "Plus, He says that he wants to watch movies without any sub-titles."

Like many students who are beginners, Jesus Christ has had his difficulties with the language.

"Sometimes I wonder why He comes at all. Even He Gaba or Nova Present Perfect: The Last Frustration
acknowledges that he has no time to study. Recently, I gaveGaba of Christ
"Him" a level-up check and asked Him what his hobbies were,"
Glenn explained.

"He just said (imitates thick Aramaic accent) 'I like sleeping.' When I encouraged Him to expand, He just refused say anything for three whole minutes. My god! Then, I almost thought that He was going to start crying. I ended up boosting Him up to level 6B, but that was just a mercy-level up," he added.
Working at Gaba or Nova? Another Eikaiwa school? "Oh, sure. He does comes to Voice Room sometimes. But, if you ask him what He wants to talk about, he'll just say 'I don't know' or 'Anything is OK.'," Schumacher recalled.

"As if He expects you to do all the work for him. It is no wonder He doesn't improve."

When asked what he likes best about Nova, Christ commented that the Christmas party last year was really, really fun. He was happy that teachers explained what a Christmas tree was and even participated in singing Christmas carols with the Nova Teachers.
OK Jesus also struggles to level-up.

JC is not the only 'celebrity' interested in studying English conversation.

Other students include: Martin Luther, who "comes late to class" and "spits when he talks," Queen Victoria who apparently just "wants a boyfriend," and Mussolini, who has "terrible stank breath," and St. Aquinas who refuses to give anybody a good evaluation unless they are all "super genki and stuff."