8.24.02 8:00 p.m.
Kath and Tiff are sitting on the couch, watching Buffy the Vampire slayer. Enrique jumps in the room snarling "I'm a vampire!" Kath and Tiff look up for a moment, then turn back to the t.v.
Colby walks in, humming. "I bet I could kick Buffy's ass." Tiff looks appalled and says defensively, "No one can hurt Buffy." Kath opens her eyes wide and asks Colby if he likes daises. Colby blushes and leaves the room, muttering an unconvicing "no..." as he exits. Kath winks at Tiff, who has a slightly horrified expression.
Later, everyone gathers in the kitchen to make pear pizzas. They melt cheese on the pears. As the housemates bite into them, they experience a vile taste that should have never been achieved by man. However, Enrique likes them, and eats the leftovers as the rest of the housemates vomit on the yard.

8.23.02 11:45 a.m.
Big Brother calls all the housemates outside, where they find a series of three targets at different distances, and a table with seven identical paintball guns on them.

"The object of this competition is to get the best score on this shooting range. You will have three shots per target. The winner will be allowed to choose a celebrity to enter the house until the end of the game."

Kath is first. She misses the first shot but scores fairly well on the second two shots on all three targets. Tiff is next, and has a similar performance.

Graham goes third, and scores three perfect bullseyes on the closest target, misses all three shots on the middle target, and scores two out of three on the farthest.

Enrique has never seen a paintball gun before and is more facinated with jumping on the paintballs with Kath than shooting the targets. When he does shoot, he hits the closest target once, and misses every other shot, except for one, which hits Graham in the forehead. Graham then stumbles inside.

Dan is next, and shoots the best out of anyone so far. Seeing this, Eric mutters something in German under his breath. Colby hears and giggles, then Dan turns around and glares at them. "What are you two laughing about?" He glares at Eric. "You shouldn't even be allowed to compete for what you did to our hair!"

Eric points his gun threateningly at Dan. "For the last time, I didn't do that!"

"Yeah, like I'm going to believe that. Who else would do something like this? And don't point that thing at me." Eric shoots him in the leg (with orange paintballs, of course), which starts a shooting spree between Colby, Eric, and Dan. A lot of scrambling ensues, and Kath jumps in and starts smacking people with the butt of her gun. After about ten minutes, everything has been covered in orange paint, and therefore Eric declares himself the winner. When Big Brother tries to protest, he shoots a camera out. Deciding this is actually a better way to have the competition, B.B. announces that Rammstein will be arriving in the house in a few days...

8.18.02 11:00 a.m.
The housemates are all called into the lounge, where a message comes on over the t.v. screen:

"This is Big Brother. In a few days, you will be competeing for the chance to have a celebrity of your choice enter the house."

This causes quite an uproar, as the housemates start voicing loudly who they want to enter the house. After a few minutes of yelling and zapping, Big Brother gets them calmed down.

"That won't be for a few days, though. Today, it's time for the food competition. Your challenge is to build a human pyramid in under 15 minutes. If you can, and can hold it for 10 seconds, then your food for the week will include steak, hamburgers, pizza, mashed potatoes, fruit, pasta, potato chips, soda, and much much more. However, if you fail, you will only have cheese and pears. The fifteen minutes begins now."

The housemates all scramble to figuring out how to make the human pyramid. They figure since there are seven people, a pyramid isn't possible, but that the best bet is to have Colby, Graham, and Eric on the bottom, Enrique and Dan on their shoulders, then Kath on the top with Tiff on top of her. Unfortunately, this won't work, and only results in multiple bruises with Colby, Graham, and Eric being buried thirty six times under everyone else. The fifteen minutes is finished with a loud buzzer and the housemates are ordered to go back inside, with a week of cheese and pears to look forward to. How sad.

8.14.02 7:00 a.m.
The housemates are awoken by a scream, then a series of screams. In the middle of the night, the boys have all been given mohawks, which were then dyed orange. They all blame Eric, who is looking horrified and sputtering that he had nothing to do with anything. However, no one believes him. Colby has taken a particular stand against Eric.

"I saw him the other night coming in from outside, and he was all muddy, and he wouldn't talk to me..." Everyone agrees that Eric has been acting suspicious lately, and he is blamed for the prank. Disheartened, he goes and hides in the shower, where Kath and Tiff try to cheer him up with Ms. Bear.

8.7.02 12:00 p.m.
Mulling around, the housemates aren't sure what to do. Boredom is starting to set in, as nothing exciting has happened besides the eviction in a while. And as for the eviction, nobody wants to discuss it. It was especially traumatizing for Colby, who didn't realize how much he would miss Andy until he was gone. Now, he sits on the kitchen floor, bouncing a ball against the wall. The rest of the housemates are sitting in the lounge, watching Moulin Rouge!. Except for Eric, Kath, and Enrique, who are strangely nowhere to be found...

8.6.02 11:00 a.m.
BB calls all the housemates into the diary room. As they sit, Enrique, Colby, and Andy exchange nervous glances. Eric seems to be particularly shifty-eyed, but doesn't say a word, just sits down silently next to Kath. Suddenly, BB comes on over the tannoy.

"The first person to be evicted from the house is... ANDY. Andy, please take your things and leave, now."

The housemates all sit in stunned silence as Andy packs his things up to leave. "Well... see ya, guys." He gives a small wave and walks quickly out of the house, thankful to be leaving the insanity.

8.5.02 9:00 a.m.
The charades game last night somehow ended up into a drinking competition, which Kath and Dan have named "Augustfest" for lack of a better name. (We'll just assume BB is taking place in some foreign country where this would be legal.) The only one who didn't participate was Colby, for he claimed he's "against that sort of thing." He now emerges from the boys' room to find all the housemates snoring loudly on the floor of the lounge. He grabs an apple, sits, and waits for them to wake up. Sitting down, he noticies that someone is missing...

Just as Eric walks in the door, looking slightly muddy and shutting the door as quietly as he can. He turns and sees Colby sitting there. "Oh. Hey."

"Hey..."

Eric quickly goes to the boys' room and hides in the shower.

8.4.02 1:00 p.m.
The past few days have been very stressful for the housemates, especially for Andy, Colby, and Enrique, who are up against the vote. Confused and anxious, they can't understand why Big Brother hasn't told them yet who is to be evicted. All they can do is wait.

In the meantime, the other housemates have been desperately trying to keep themselves busy. While they wait around to hear from BB, Graham suggests a game of charades. Agreeing this is a good idea and will take all their minds off the vote, they sit down to play.

Graham is first up. He gestures wildly for ten minutes before exasperatingly crying, "I'm a guitar! Come on, that was pretty obvious."

Colby is next. He is a pot of boiling water, and Enrique guesses correctly almost immediately. High-fiving each other, they sit down.

Kath is next. She stands rigidly still for a minute before looking at the rest of the housemates, annoyed. "Come on, this is so simple." She goes back to standing completely still.

"You're... a fork! I knew it..." says Enrique.

Kath rolls her eyes. "Ugh, no." She reinforces her rigidness by stamping a foot and standing still for a minute longer, before sighing and sitting down on the floor. "I'm a golf tee! Duh."

"OHHHH..." choruses everyone.

"Damnit, I was just about to say that," mutters Tiff.

The game goes on in this fashion late into the night. Caught up in the excitement, the other housemates fail to notice that Eric is missing...

7.29.02 3:00 p.m.
Big Brother calls the housemates into the diary room one by one, where they make their nominations.

Andy: I nominate Eric and Dan, because they don't appriciate my singing in the morning.

Colby: Graham and Andy, because they keep telling me I smell bad.

Dan: I nominate Enrique, because he's a fucking psycho. And Andy, he's starting to annoy me with his singing thing... if you can call it that.

Enrique: Kath and Tiff. They burned my bed. ::growls::

Eric: I nominate Andy, because his singing sucks. And the bear. It creeps me out.

Graham: Colby, because he smells bad. And Eric. I think he's plotting against us.

Kath: Kath nominates Enrique, because he tried to gnaw through our door the first morning, and Colby, because he smells bad and claims to have a rifle under his bed.

Tiff: Enrique and Colby. Ms. Bear says no.

The first people to be nominated for eviction are Andy, Colby, and Enrique. To vote, e-mail Kath telling who you'd like to vote for. Only e-mail votes will be accepted. The deadline for voting is MIDNIGHT, WEDNESDAY, JULY 31.

7.28.02 1:45 p.m.
Big Brother calls all the housemates into the lounge, and asks them to take a seat. Tiff, Kath, Eric, and Dan sit on one side of the room, Colby, Enrique, Andy, and Graham on the other. Two sides have clearly begun to form in the house. Tiff clutches Ms. Bear protectively.

"Tomorrow, you will all nominate who you want to be kicked out of the house. Based on the nominations, Big Brother will decide who goes up against the vote. Then, the readers vote to decide who gets kicked out. This is a warning, so you have time to think about who you want to nominate."

The housemates all stare at one another suspiciously, then go their separate ways to find peace and quiet to think about the first nominations.

7.28.02 7:39 a.m.
The housemates are all woken up by a strange yelling noise outside. They blearily wander out onto the pool deck to find Andy standing on top of the tool shed, waving his arms and dancing around.

"What the fuck are you doing?" says Dan.

Andy stops and looks down at Dan, annoyed at being interrupted. "Morning tribal ritual," he replies. "Waahhh lahhh lahhhh!!!"

Shaking their heads, the housemates all go inside, except for Graham, who has joined Andy on the roof of the tool shed.

7.27.02 1:28 p.m.
A few days of eating only string cheese has started to drive the housemates a bit mad. Kath spends most of the day sitting out by the pool playing Jimmy Buffet on the guitar. Eric walks around the house muttering under his breath in German. Colby has taken up a project which involves constructing the Big Brother house out of popsicle sticks and superglue. Tiff is demanding that a sacrifice be made to Ms. Bear, and is constantly glacing suspiciously at Enrique, who doesn't seem to be acting very out of the ordinary lately. Graham and Dan have successfully lit the house on fire twice, and are now curled up under the kitchen table in the fetal position, whimpering. Andy is alternately torturing them by waving matches in front of them, and entertaining the rest of the house with tribal rain dances. All in all, the housemates are getting along wonderfully.

7.21.02 12:00 p.m. Round Up
Colby, Enrique, Dan, and Eric have finally gotten over their sickness from yesterday's task. However, they were up all night, and are now in bitchy moods, especially Enrique, who can't seem to get his blankets comfortable in the cupboard.

Around noon, a large truck arrives and delivers the $200 worth of string cheese. Kath sets about making stir-fried cheese for lunch, while Eric watches her from the counter, slowly building a log cabin out of his string cheese. Graham enters the kitchen.

"Colby is starting to smell. Why the hell did he only bring a toothbrush?"

Kath and Eric just stare at him for a moment. "Right. Nevermind." Graham walks out. Kath serves up the food to the housemates and everyone sits down, grumbling.

7.20.02 1:45 p.m. Round Up
All morning, Kath and Tiff have been giving the room-stealers dirty looks, who are slinking around the house looking contrite and disappointed that they now must sleep in the cupboard. Whenever one of them gets too close, Tiff whips out Ms. Bear and brandishes it at them, which sends them running.

After lunch, Big Brother calls all the housemates into the kitchen, where it seems the produces have placed 8 large wheelbarrows full of hard boiled eggs. The housemates looks confused and worried, except for Colby, who is eyeing the eggs hungrily.

"This is Big Brother. Your task is to eat 500 hard boiled eggs. The first person to do this wins $200 in food money, and will choose what the group eats for the next week."

Tiff and Kath have made annoyed faces. No one has bothered to start yet.

"GO."

Tentatively, Tiff and Kath start eating. The boys have gone at it with a little more energy, especially Colby and Enrique, who are munching away happily.

An hour passes. Kath has given up before she gets sick. So have Graham and Andy. Tiff is almost puking, and stops. Dan and Eric seem to be competing out of spite, while Colby and Enrique are still munching away happily.

Four hours have go by, and Dan and Eric have given up and have been thouroughly sick outside, near the still smouldering remnants of the beds. Colby and Enrique have eaten about 400 eggs by now. Colby has puked three times already but is still eating vengefully, but passes out for some reason at 425. Enrique seems to be just fine, and finishes the 500 eggs. He has also puked thrice, but doesn't seem to mind. He dances slowly and proclaims himself the winner. Everyone groans.

Enrique declares he will spend the grocery money on string cheese.

7.20.02 7:45 a.m. Wake Up
After a fitful night in which Eric's arm kept getting shoved in her face, Kath wakes up at an ungodly hour (for her). She quickly wakes Tiff up, and Dan, Eric, and Colby are awakened as well by their excited whispering. When Dan gets too close, Kath punches him in the stomach. Tiff and Kath suddenly run out of the room and across the hall to their room, and pound on the door.

"Hey! Assholes! Ms. Bear says she's going to eat your sorry asses if you don't give us our room back!" Tiff screams at the door.

The door opens a crack, and Graham pokes his head out slightly, which Tiff uses as an oportunity to shove the bear in his face. Kath kicks the door open and together they drive the boys out of their room with the bear.

Apparently, only two of the beds were used the night before, and they have strange bodily fluid stains on them. Tiff and Kath drag the matresses and sheets out into the backyard and burn them, then go back to their room and install a bear-like trap for anyone else who decides to try and take it. Upon seeing the burning beds in the backyard, Enrique and Andy both demand to know where they're going to sleep. Tiff and Kath shrug and casually suggest the pantry.

7.19.02 12:02 a.m. Arrival
After a long drive in a grueling thunderstorm, the housemates arrive at the house just after midnight, and then are forced to unload their own baggage from the van in the pouring rain. Everyone does so with a lot of bitching, except for Colby, who hasn't packed anything except a toothbrush. After their stuff is all inside, the housemates collapse on the couches in the lounge. Suddenly, a voice comes on over the sound system.

"This is Big Brother. You have five minutes to get your things to your rooms. Or else."

Everyone stares at one another for a few seconds, then they all rush to their respective rooms. Unfortunately, there are only four beds in the boys rooms, and two extra beds in the girls room. Since Tiff and Kath are the only girls, they quickly realize this and haul their stuff inside, locking the door on the boys, who stand outside wondering what to do.

Half an hour passes, and Enrique has tried to gnaw through the door of the girls room to get at the extra beds. Making a tactical error, Kath opens the door for a split second to fend him off with a broom, when Enrique, Graham, and Andy overpower her and throw her and Tiff out. Tiff and Kath go to the diary room and complain to Big Brother, who promptly tells them to stuff themselves. Pouting, they return to the rooms, where Colby, Eric, and Dan offer to share the boys room with them. Kath curls up with Eric and finally, everyone goes to sleep.

7.19.02 3:11 p.m. Nervous rats.
The rats sense a change in the house. The housemates are coming... tonight.

6.24.02 4:14 p.m. Pre-arrival.
Rats scurry through the house. Kath (the real one) chases them with a broom, screaming about squalid living conditions for "her babies." (???) The house is quiet, waiting for everyone to arrive.