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Movie Journal-where movie's get reviewed

6/24-Freddy Got Fingered, an anamoly, universelly reviled and cause Tom Green to lose the rest of his fading fame. Tom Green is a cartoonist that ruins every life he comes across. I must admit something before I continue, I occasionally laughed at it it's vulgarity. I didn't laugh enough to like it but dammit I did laugh. The problem is that Tom Green does stuff because he can and most of it is not that funny, like a jerking off a horse and later on jerking off an elephant. It's one of those movies where it sucks your intellegence right out of your brain. Now I also must admit that this is just a bad movie, not a horrific one of epic proportions. *1/2/****

5/14-Troy is a throwback to the old epics of yore. With it's massive sets, action and length this is can't be anything less than a great movie. If you read Homer's Illiad, you know what happens and more, I believe. The battle scenes are great, bloody and exciting. The acting is servicable with Peter O'Toole being excellent. Yet, this movie does seem overlong from time to time, and the movie stupidly cheats men from good nudity while the ladies get an eyeful. Despite this, it's a grand sweeping epic that deserves to be seen. ***1/2/****

4/27-Today brings us Under Siege, the fabled legitmately good(sorry Exit Wounds) Steven Seagal movie but after watching it, it's only a fable. Tommy Lee Jones has hijacked a battleship while Steven Seagal, a NAVY cook, finds himself, get this, UNDER SIEGE. Now, despite it being not good, it's one of the best Seagal movies out there mostly due to Jones. Jones chews the scenary like no other, but he's one too little. Steven Seagal even tries not to suck, he fails but it was worth a shot. The movie itself is weak, lurches from one snagnant action scene to the next. While this isn't the good Seagal movie I was hoping for, almost good is kinda good right? **1/2/****

4/13-Sometimes a joy of watching a movie is that it's just a joy just to watch, like Air Force One. Harrison Ford is the President of the United States but Air Force One has been hijacked by the evil Gary Oldman and now he must fight to get it back or Die Hard in Air Force One. This movie is a thrill ride, a rousing action movie. Once this movie gets started, it grabs you by the throat. This is a movie that makes the pulse skips a beat, rouses the audience and it's extremely good entertainment. ***1/2/****

4/10-The joy of watching a Brian DePalma movie is how he'll show off this time, in Snake Eyes the first 12 minutes contain only 2 cuts. The Secretary of Defense is assissinated at a PPV boxing match and Nicolas Cage have to pick up the pieces of what led up to it while betrayals happen. I can talk about of all the visual tricks DePalma uses and they're impressive, with swish pans and overhead shots, but I'll think I'll talk about the Rashamon feel to the mystery of the assissination. We get four different POV's of the event with slightly different perceptions and one unreliable storyteller so we don't really know what's what. It's flawed, Luis Guzman is here to be beaten up by Cage and he's basically written out by the 30 minute mark and the ending is anti-climatic, not as bad as I heard but still weak. Aside from that it's pretty good DePalma, for better or for worse. ***/****

4/4-I have great idea for a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger as a pregnant man. Arnold is a scientest and insemenates himself with a plot contrivance of some sort. His baby has all the potential to cure all the world's diseases(don't ask) but an evil person, probaly from an insurance agency, won't allow that, so he sends evil robot ninjas. Arnold must kill them all while battling morning sickness and cramps with the help of a chick and a midget. But wait, wasn't there a movie with Arnold pregnant already with a midget and chick but with no action? Yes there was and it was called Junior or crap rivaling Raw Deal as Arnold's worst movie. It's not that premise of a pregnant man isn't funny, it is, its that its execution is bland, safe and boring. Everything falls flat and then there's the woeful inclusion of Emma Thompson. I like her as an actress and can do good performances but here she mistakes the word "manic" for "good" and just embarrass herself. There's so much potential in here but it's so boring, you just to want it end. *1/2/****

4/3-Sweet November is a movie I so desperately wanted to hate but I couldn't bring myself up to it. Keanu Reeves is a workholic and Charlize Theron is some new-age chick that changes his life in one month. I could attack the not so good first 30 minutes, the cross-dressing friend and the terminal illness but I just couldn't ignore the love story between Keanu and Charlize. It's flawed and predictable but dammit it has this charm. ***/****

3/21-Sudden Death was Jean Claude Van-Damme's attempt to make big budget action movies instead of mediorce budget action movies and I think he succeeded, nobody does but that's not the point. Anyway, Van-Damme is a former fireman who must stop terrorists who have taken the Vice President and his daughter and other people hostage at Game 7 of the Stanley Cup and the terrorists don't get money they'll kill everyone or Die Hard in a Hockey Stadium. Sure, this movie is ridiculous and stupid but for the most part we don't care except for the ridiculous action. Is there any other movie where someone's ass was kicked by a person in a penquin costume? I think not. There are a few things like a renegade Secret Service agent and Van-Damme posing as a goalie for no apparent reason. Other than that it's pretty good. ***/****

3/19-In the Army Now may look like a comedy, talk like a comedy but it's actually a lame action movie. Pauly Shore and friend joins the Reserves under the assumption of being paid for doing something a weekend a month but after basic training and a water purification class a conflict breaks out in Libya and they go, then get lost in desert and then become POW's....explosions happens. One of the greatest mysteries in cinema history was the inexplicable popularity of Pauly Shore. He's not funny, he's creepy and stupid. All of his funny stuff falls flat, but luckily we got Andy Dick to generate laughs. Did you read I just wrote, Andy Dick making me laugh? That's not a good sign and combined with my dislike with Pauly Shore (I can't really hate him, but still...) this isn't a good movie, but dammit I part of me did like its stupidity and it does have a certain charm, but I can't really recommend or even near-recommend it, but I do have some sort of admiration of it, kind of. **/****

3/16-1921 was the year that Bizzaro World took over, men oogled girl's bare knees and were cheerleaders and people danced stupidly. Ok, I just wanted to say that but it does something to do with today's movie, the old school Cheaper by the Dozen. The story of a family of 12 children with thier kind but stern father RULING THEM WITH AN IRON FIST!...of democracy. This is a funny movie and a better time capsule. We get to see what people were like in 1921, the year the movie takes place. One real flaw is that since it's an anology of skits, this is has no real beginning, no real middle but it does have a real ending. It's a stupid, cheesy, manipulative ending but an ending nonetheless. Other than that, I liked it....I'm so losing my touch. ***/****

3/2-Crocidile Dundee II is a sequel that nobody wanted but we got anyway. Mick Dundee is back and he's a half-ass action hero saving himself and his woman from evil drug lords in New York AND Austrilia. The main problem is that Dundee is an action hero or at least tries with stunts and gun battles and lame one-liners but he doesn't have the presence or the menacing quality action heros have, hence the half-assness. This movie is just cheap and commercial crap to capitalize to cash in on the then Austrilia Craze which this, ironically, destroy or at least helped to destroy. But, I rate movies on how well they entertain me not thier overall quality. On that level, it's at least entertaining in an uninspired kind of way, but this is represents everything Crocidile Dundee is not. **1/2/****

2/27-Steel Dawn can be described as a boring Road House. Patrick Swayze is a post-apocalyptic warrior and he's here to save some town from evil people, IN THE FUTURE!!!!!! The beginning is actually pretty good when Patrick Swayze kills some sand-people but it quickly degenerates from there. The little kid is annoying and stupid and just there to move or explain lame pieces of the plot. If it was just stupid and idiotic, I would've recommended or near-recommended it for it's laughability but it's boring and that's what kills it. **/****

2/18-The Shadow takes one of the most ludicrous ideas in cinema history and makes it not suck: Alec Baldwin is a superhero. Alec Baldwin is The Shadow where he must stop the last descendant of Genghis Khan, with powers compraple of The Shadow's, from taking over the world, orginal huh? For the most part, this is a flawed yet enjoyable movie with it's impresive directing and sets. There are a couple one-liners and Alec Baldwin has a cool laugh. Yet I did say it was flawed, Ian McKellen and Tim Curry are virtually wasted and it isn't as exciting as it could be. For the most part, this is a good film but it's not a great film. ***/****

1/30-Tomcats is a movie where words fail to describe it, but that doesn't mean I'll try. Some guys make a bet that last one single gets a lot of money, but this one guy gets in financial trouble in Vegas so he must do stuff he doesn't want to do. There are laughs in this film but that's counteracted with unfunny crude jokes like the infamous testicle. The women don't get naked, but the men does which is a big minus. I must at least credit Jake Busey for making being the only guy who was consistently funny and there's Shannan Elizabeth who sucks. This movie is like a carefully balanced scale, but in the end the scale tips to the near-miss side of movie reviewing. **1/2/****

1/20-Dirty Dancing is the ultimate chick flick, I don't know any girls that didn't like it. But, I'm not a chick hopelessly in love with Patrick Swayze. The plot has Patrick Swayze's dance partner being unusable for some reason and he must find a replacement, an idealistic chick and they fall in love. There are some moments that work, like Swayze teaching the chick to dance, and the dancing and the music's also good. Aside from that, it's predictable and forgetable and kinda boring. It's not a horrid movie, it's certainly better than some of my latest reviews, but it's not a good movie, either. **/****

1/9-Raw Deal epitomizes the laziness of cinema. Arnold Schwargznegger is a disgraced FBI agent who's assigned to kill people and kill people he does. Everything about this film is lazy especially the cinematography, it looks like it was made for TV. Apparently, the produces thought that since we've got Arnold, we don't need a coherent script, we don't need good production values or a mostly entertaining movie. The only times when this movie does come alive is during the ridicolous action scenes and that wears off rather quickly. Skip it and watch a better Arnold movie. *1/2/****

1/6-The Glimmer Man is another Steven Seagal movie and I could stop there, but I love you too much to do that. Steven Seagal must find a serial killer but turns into a conspiracy involving Russians and he has a checker past that he was called, get this, THE GLIMMER MAN, but wait, we have a buddy or Keenan Ivory Wayans helping him. I could repeat the same reasons why I don't Seagal, but I don't like repeating myself so I'll attack the action. First off, Seagal's way of averting a suicidal person is to tackle him through a window into another window. In another, Seagal was kidnapped by Russians and taken into their car but Seagal beats them up, the car barely crashes into another car but that explodes and the first car flips over, Seagal gets out as the car slides into a conviently placed gasoline tanker and both explode...Seagal runs away unharmed. The last action stupid action scene is Wayans fighting something in his home but an obligatory fire happens which leads into the obligatory outrunning an explosion which cultimates in an obligatory leaping out of an exploding building. And don't get me started on the ninja, yes I said ninja. *1/2/****

12/21-During a moment in Kazaam, Shaquelle O'Neal threatens punk kids that he'll unleash his misery on them, but he goes too far and unleash his misery on the audience. An punk, selfish kid finds a genie(O'Neal) called Kazaam and other stuff happens that doesn't involve Kazaam. Everything about this movie sucks, from the "villians" to the acting to the writing. I hated every moment of this crap film, I hated O'Neal's inability to act, I hated the punk kid who I'm supposed to like and I hated everything else. This is a horrific, ill-fated movie to make O'Neal a star outside of basketball and I don't want to talk about his music career. 1/2*/****

12/18-Remeber when Cindy Crawford thought she could act? You don't?! That's where I come in to relive those horrible memories of the movie Fair Game for you. The plot is a chases filled with sex, there's also something about money or something. The action scenes are routine and not well, but there's a car chase which almost doesn't suck. Fair Game is a bad movie and I mean really bad. */****

12/16-When Mel Brooks deceided to act in his movies, they weren't as good and this decline began with History of the World: Part I. Mel Brooks makes random bits of history supposedly funny with Orson Welles narrating some of it. One of the problems is that some of the bits are too long especially The Roman Empire. The jokes that are funny are countered with unfunny and crude jokes. This is not a bad movie, it's just not a great one. **1/2/****

12/13-Soilder seems like a movie that Steven Seagal would be in, if he was buff and could cry of course, but we have Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell is a Soilder that grows obsolete and is thrown away for dead, but he's not dead and fails at belonging in a community in a far off planet but then the people that threw them away are back to kill the community because they can, I guess. First off, Kurt Russell is best when he can talk, here he doesn't talk very much and all he does when he's not talking, he's just shell of himself armed with one emotion: Steven Seagal (you know, the squinted eyes and the lack of facial movement). The story has some stuff that doesn't make sense i.e. Kurt Russell is cast off the community, but when they see a kid kill a snake they rush and get him back just in time to save them from the bad guys. I will admit that there are some nice special effects but in the end, it's just a hollow shell of superior Sci-Fi movies. **/****

12/8-Exit Wounds is ridiculous, absurd and has Steven Seagal in it, yet I liked it. Anyways, Steven Seagal must battle police corruption with the help of DMX and we learn that bullets leave, get this, EXIT WOUNDS. This is Road House for the 00's, it's laughably bad. Where else can we see Steven Seagal, traffic cop or Steven Seagal in anger management whose too fat to sit on the desks. Action scenes are also laughable. And the best thing of all, nobody's throat gets ripped off which was Road House's failing. Wow, me liking a Steven Seagal movie. ***/****

12/7-X2 is just as good as X-Men and maybe a bit better. For one thing, I can describe the plot: a mutant tries to kill the president resulting in an evil human to kill all mutants. The action scenes are awesome, most notably the aforementioned assissination attempt. It also doesn't have the baggage of introducing everyone like the first one, so the movie runs smoother. All in all, this is more coherent, has better action and is slightly better than X-Men. ***/****

11/23-Robocop, Blade Runner, Cobra, Demolition Man and The Hills Have Eyes, when they're powers combined they form CAPTAIN PLANET...er Judge Dredd. Slyvester Stallone is a Judge or policeman FROM THE FUTURE that gets framed for murder and must prove his innocence. People didn't like this movie for various reasons, comic book fans(yes he was a comic book) hated that Judge Dredd removed his helment and other injustices, others didn't really like that it ripped-off other, better, movies and the rest just didn't like Rob Schnieder. They all have valid arguments, but I must admit that I liked it. I never read the comic books so I didn't care about the injustices, the ripping-off part didn't bother me that much and I actually found Rob Schnieder to be tolerable, even though I don't really like him. I liked the action and had it some decent effects, though old and liked some of the one-liners. On the bad side, Stallone performance was uneven, on minute he's decent and the next he's floundering to not suck. The one-liners I didn't like just were horrible and idiotic. All in all, it's not that bad and quite enjoyable if you're not expecting anything other than Stallone killing punks. ***/****

11/21-People are going to say that watching The Foreigner on my own free will was really stupid and "It's your own damn fault for watching another Steven Segeal movie" and they're right. The plot might make some sense at the beginning, but by the time that Hour 1 is up, it no longer makes sense. It has some package and Steven Segeal is, get this, THE FOREIGNER. The action scenes are too short to enjoy, muddled and hampered by confusing editing. I must say I did like the fact that almost everyone died violently and needlessly, you have to see it to know what I mean. All in all, it sucks but has some interesting moments. *1/2/****

11/18-The Manlger is my 114th (Number is probaly wrong) review. What does this have to do with anything? It's my first published review for which I give a movie no stars. The plot does have some promise, a haunted laundry device kills peop...wait a minute, no it doesn't. The acting is just plain bad and...fuck it. Words can't describe it's horrible-ness. And the last 30 minutes just makes me sick. 0 stars/****

11/8-Driven almost had me fooled that Renny Harlin did the impossible, make a good movie. Then, I remembered the horrible acting, writing and supposed conflicts and realized that it sucked. Stallone is a grizzled racer veteran to help an upstart racer to realize who he is or an upstart racer must realize who he is with the help of Stallone. You see, the movie doesn't know who we should identify with and that makes me care for neither. All the actors take the lazy out, in terms of acting and they all mumble their lines and seem bored. Yet, I said the movie almost fooled me that it was good becuase cars crash and they do so specaturaly. The races are pretty cool, but it's not enough to make this any good. **/****

11/7-This wasn't supposed to happen. What was to happen is that I would hate The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, but I didn't. I didn't really like it either, but it's watchable and somewhat entertaining. It was directed by Renny "I make shit movies" Harlin and I hate him with a passion and I usually want to kill him after watching one of his shit movies like Cliffhanger or The Long Kiss Goodnight but not this. Anyways, Andrew Dice Clay is some detective that gets in some case which I don't really know about it and he demeans some women. First off, Andrew Dice Clay is a guy I could stand for a few minutes, a couple hours is pushing it and his humor gets old fast. The action scenes are extremely absurd and yet they were kinda fun. There were some witty comments that I liked. Then, there are the women who are stupid and bring the movie down. This movie isn't that bad but it could've been better. **1/2/****

11/6-Matrix Revolutions is hopefully the last Matrix movie becuase it offers nothing new to the table except resolution. It picks up where Reloaded left off, but this time the machines have broken into Zion and they must be stopped. I have many problems with this movie and the only way to accomadate them is to make a list:
-What intelligence remained in Reloaded is gone
-The first action scenes reeked of been there, done a lot better
-Keanu Reeves actually tries to act in some scenes with predicatable results. His performance isn't as bad as Much Ado About Nothing or Point Break but it's still bad
-Many points go past the point of absurdity and become laughable
-What a poor way to end a trilogy
There is also good parts to this movie. The action scenes, well most of them, are decent but not as impressive like Reloaded's and the effects are great. Agent Smith is still a badass even with limited screen time and makes up for a few flaws. In the end, I was entertained and that's all I want in a movie but it could've been better. ***/****

11/2-I have never played a game of Dungeons and Dragons in my life, but I'm sure that it's a lot better than the movie of the same name. I think there's a plot involving a quest of some sort, but this a movie where a scene is only mentioned once and never again or scenes aren't explained at all. Characters are all one-note, we got Heroic Guy, Comic Relief, Hot Chick, Evil Guy and Henchman plus an elf and a drawf to get that fantasy part in. Sure it's fun to see Evil Guy froth at the mouth and Henchman hilarious speaking patterns but by the end, I just wanted it to end. If anyone could explain why dragons are fighting in the end, I would love to hear it. *1/2/****

11/1-Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within may be the hardest review I've ever done so let's get this over with. The story is nothing original and has little connection to the games. Spirits from another world have ransacked Earth and some doctor must save the Earth. Of course, we also need an Evil Guy to muck everything up since the spirits aren't enough. The movie also doesn't realize the proper way to kill the Evil Guy, his commonupance should come when he knows what he was doing was wrong, but it comes without that. Also, one of the worst things it did was to name the movie Final Fantasy and as I already told you, there's no connection between the two. Sure there's a guy name Sid and a couple pictures of Chocobo's but it'll take a lot more than that to make me believe that this is a real Video Game movie and not a poseur. There are also some good points about this, the incredible CGI which is a given and there were some nice action scenes. So what's the final verdict? As a regular movie, it's entertaining and is kinda fun and as a poseur Video Game movie, it's beats Tomb Raider and is second to Mortal Kombat for the best Video Game movie and it's entertaining and kinda fun. Just don't expect it to have any kind of connection to the games. ***/****

10/22-The Prophecy has Christopher Walken as not only an angel, but an evil angel. You can't go wrong with that. There's this war in Heaven, Christopher Walken wants a soul so he can win and puny humans are trying to stop him. Who cares about humans? We have Christopher Walken and his droll sense of humor as he kills and burns and revives people. There are flaws, it takes a while before it gets good and there are some stuff that doesn't make sense and Lucifer appears out of nowhere to fight Walken. But with all that, it's still a good movie. ***/****

10/19-Bram Stroker's Dracula succeeds because of its excesses, not it's story. We all know the Dracula story by now, Dracula wants to love and he kills people to love again. There are some quite spectatcular camera shots and really good special effects, but on the minus the acting wasn't all good, especialy Keanu Reeves, try as he might, couldn't get the English accent right and we laugh at him. Like I said, it succeeds thanks to the special effects, cool scene transitions and camera shots of majesty, not because of the story that borders on incoherent. ***/****

10/6-Marked for Death is a Steven Seagal movie, I think that explains enough. But if you must, here goes: Steven Seagal is some ex-cop who returns to his home and Jamican drug-lords are pissed at him and they have, get this, MARKED FOR DEATH. Like it or not, I must admit that there's a kinda cool car chase, Seagal actually changed his expression(don't get your hopes up, it only happens once) and the last 20 minutes generate some tension. Of course, Seagal still can't act and it's needlessly violent, even though I can claim it's a movie where Seagal breaks some guy's neck and arm. This is a better movie than Above the Law or Fire Down Below, but that's like saying you want to have your balls kicked instead of your balls ripped off. **/****

10/2-Point Break is the movie where Patrick Swayze outacts somebody...anybody. Ok, it's Keanu Reeves but still. Anyways, Keanu is a FBI agent who's out to stop bank robbers led by...Patrick Swayze who's a surfer and sky-diver. The bank robbers are cool, they call themselves the Ex-Presidents, dress up as Reagon, LBJ, Nixon and Carter and rob banks in 90 seconds or less without killing people. The reason I said Patrick Swayze outacts somebody is that Keanu just isn't that good in this film, even though he gives the movie a boost of unintentional humor (why is that a bad thing?) and Patrick just couldn't be that bad. Anyways, it's just pure fun and the cinematrogophy on the sky dive and surfing bits is just incredilbe. This may be Patrick Swayze's best movie. ***/****

9/29-Musicals live and die by their songs. If we have good songs we have My Fair Lady, inversly if we have bad songs we have Grease. Chicago has good songs. A musical doesn't really need a plot so I won't waste my time, I don't care about yours. Anyways the songs are a utter delight and that's all you need to know, but some dance numbers do look silly coming from today. Even with that flaw, it's just pure, simple entertainemnt and a damn good one at that. ***1/2/****

9/27-I could call Harry Selnik the Michael Crichton of the movies if he made more movies like Monkeybone, the subject of today's movie but thanks to this being a massive flop, he can't make those films anymore and I can't call him the Michael Crichton of movies. Selnik cares more about the look of the film(stop-motion, costumes, sets) than the people in it like Michael Crichton caring more about technology than people in his books. But enough of this, let's go move on. Brendan Fraiser is a cartoonist who has a good life but he gets into a coma and goes into a hellish world where he meets his creation, Monkeybone. They team up to get an exit pass to get out but the Monkey double-cross him and gets out and uses Fraiser's body and Brendan must use Chris Kattan's body to get it back and supposed hilarity ensures. First, I hate Chris Kattan with a passion, a heat of hate that is only equal to my hatred of Renny Harlin and Steven Segeal. He's the best thing in the movie, that's a clue right there. All the characters are one-dimensional and annoying, which brings why I could call Henry Selnik the Michael Crichton of movies. The look of the coma underworld is interesting and is good eye-candy but I just wish that the rest of the movie could measure up to the look. **/****

9/22-Futureworld, the sequel to Westworld, could be called when Robots Conspire. Unfortuanely, it's not as exciting as When Robots Attack or Westworld. Anyways, Delos ,the theme park from Westworld, has re-opened but safer, but Peter Fonda doesn't believe it. He discovers a conspiracy and bad stuff happens. There's a few problems and the plot is muddled but it's interesting. The ending is extremely funny, maybe the funniest I've ever seen. The movie isn't as good or exciting as Westworld but it holds its own. ***/****

9/14-What's Kurt Russel and Kevin Costner doing in Elvis Costumes in 3000 Miles to Graceland? To conceal their identity, two high-paid movie stars in a bad movie. Ok, Kurt and Kevin are out of jail and they're going to rob a casino along with David Arquette, Christain Slater, and a black guy. After the caper, which is so inept it's a miracle that they get away with the money. Kevin kills the the other people and Kurt chases him through the northern US. This movie lacks any logic, competence and smarts. This is one of the prime examples of "Just because you can edit, doesn't mean you should.". All in all, this movie sucks, but I've seen worse. */****

9/2-Going into LOTR: The Two Towers, I was hoping that it would be a little bit better than the massively overrated and bad Fellowship(Yeah, I say it's not a good movie), but The Two Towers just blew me away. I would tell you the plot but I honestly don't know. It's like what Roger Ebert said about X2, just one amazing spectactle after another. And what a spectatcle it is, being more actiony and introducing us to the wildlife of Middle Earth. There were some confusing aspects that I don't really know what's happening but it's all good. This is the movie that Fellowship should've been. PS: I have not read any of the books so that has not been a factor in this. ***1/2/****

8/30-Anyone who says that the 70's diaster movies, most notably The Posedion Adventure, suck are idiots. Where else can you see has-beens of Hollywood die and have credits like Gene Hackman is The Preacher, Ernest Borgnine is The Detective, Roddy McDowell is A Human and Leslie Nielsen is The Captain. Anyway I'm reviewing The Posedion Adventure where the ship capsizes and people die. The ravages of time is in full effect with outdated effects and sets, Hackman and Borgnine seem to have yelling contests and Nielsen seems to play it the same way as he did in Airplane and Naked Gun even though it would be about 10 years until Airplane was made, a paradox. For all it's flaws, it's a lot of fun to watch. ***/****

8/26-Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult is aptly titled, well not that much but it's the worst of the trilogy. Frank Drebin is back, only retired and angry. Now he's back on the force to try and stop a bomb attack at the Oscars. There are funny moments here and there like the pre-credit scene that may have yield the best line, "There was crime everywhere and I could do nothing to stop it.", but the rest of the movie doesn't live up to that promise. I know it wasn't as good as the first, but at least make it as good as the second. **1/2/****

7/29-Road House happens in a magical world where fights happen at the drop of a hat and one fight turns to a bar room brawl. It is a world filled with explosions and gratitous nudity. Patrick Swayze is a bouncer hired to clean up a violent bar, but an evil local kingpin is sucking the town dry of stuff and then Swayze cleans up the kingpin. There are stuff that tries to make this movie different like Swayze having a Ph.d in Philosphy and makes deep philosophical comments like "Pain don't hurt." and "Nobody wins in a fight.". It's all laughable and pretty entertaining until Patrick rips a guy's throat out, literally. Then, it becomes your regular bad action movie until the very end. This is not a good movie, but if viewed in the right frame of mind, it's not a half-bad movie that you can laugh at, until the throat ripping. **1/2/****

7/28-Little Nicky could've been one of Adam Sandler's best movie but it's not. Sandler is the retarded son of Satan or Nicky who must save Satan because Nicky's brothers escaped from hell and Satan is falling apart because of that. The movie suffers from one fatal flaw, Sandler himself. If he walked, talked and looked like a normal person I would recommend it and as you can tell he walks, talks and looks like a retard. It also didn't need to use a romantic sub-plot but it's a Sandler movie and that's the law but did it have to be a woeful miscast Patricia Arquette. There are some funny moments and good cameos, especially Ozzy Osbourne, but I can't get past Sandler's retarded performance. **1/2/****

7/17-Of all the Martin Scorcese movies I've seen, he has never directed a bad movie and Casino is no exception. A story of love, honor, murder and adultery in Las Vegas. The lives of Sam "Ace" Rothstien(Robert DeNiro), Nicky Santoro(Joe Pesci), and Ginger Rothstien(Sharon Stone) all intermingling with each other. The only flaw is that it's a bit too much like Goodfellas, I've even called it Goodfellas Jr. and Goodfellas in Vegas. I'm not saying that's not necessary a bad thing, but there are similarities like the moving camera, the oldies soundtrack, the profanity and the violence. Of course, there are some great performances and lots of other good stuff in it. Also, while Scorcese's done better, it's still a great film not to be missed. ***1/2/****

7/9-What's Arnold Swarzchnegger smarter and more violent than a barrel full of Running Man's or Commando's. Total Recall, the movie where you think while ungodly amounts of violence is happening. Alright, the plot is kinda simple. Arnold goes to Rekall to get vacation memories. He goes crazy during the implant process. Michael Ironside and Ronny Cox are mad and want him dead and everyone goes to Mars. Now the thinking part comes in because we're not sure whether or not Arnold does go crazy and Michael Ironside and Ronny Cox are mad and want him dead or if he does go to Mars. Now you got to remember that Paul Verhoeven directed, and this is the same guy who directed other violent goodies like Robocop, Hollow Man and Starship Troopers, so expect a lot of cool looking deaths and gory ones too. I have some minor squabbles like the unnecessary breaking of glass, doesn't matter if it's part of the air-lock system on Mars, it'll break. But it still has the power of over-the-top spectatcle and thought provoking stuff. ***1/2/****

7/6-Wild Wild West isn't all that bad, it's fun, exciting and Will Smith looks cool, then the opening credits end. So Will Smith, who's now uncool, and Kevin Kline team up to stop the evil Arliss Loveless from taking over the US Goverment. How Will Smith conducts business is laughable, he either punches someone, pulls a gun or shoots someone. Kevin Kline dresses up in drag and makes inventions with long ass names which is also laughable. Also, I was wondering how could Loveless live if he lost his legs, spleen, bladder, 35 feet of small intestine and his reproductive organs, I don't think anyone could live well, if it all. Also remember, that Will Smith himself said he was dissapointed of it's "success" because he knew it was a bad movie, so if the star says this is a bad movie, it's a bad movie. *1/2/****

6/22-If I were to review Johhmy Mnemoic as it was, I would give it one star IF I was generous, but that would ignore the fact that it's wildly entertaining. Keanu Reeves is a retard FROM THE FUTURE (couldn't resist) who's brain has an thing that can store 80 gigs of info, 160 if he uses a doubler and he does. He gets a download of 320 gigs and he must get rid of it in 24 hours or his brain would explode. Woah, first off for Keanu's brain to explode he would need a brain in the first place. Not to mention his horrible acting and you thought he was bad in Much Ado About Nothing. Everybody out-acts him, especially Ice-T. That's right, I said Ice-T. There's, of course, your obligatory love interest who's awfully contrived. This would make this a bad movie but it's funny and you want to see how Keanu makes a fool out himself again and again. ***/****
When I think of great comic book movies, I think of Superman I, II and the first Batamn. Now I add The Hulk to the list. It's an orgin story detailing how mild-manner Bruce Banner became The Incredible Hulk. I won't lie to you, I had doubts. Ang Lee directing didn't help matters and the CGI Hulk in the Superbowl commercial looked too cartoony for it to be believable. The CGI is pretty believable and Ang Lee decieded to make The Hulk a tragic figure instead of a special effects bonanza like Spider-Man (not that it was a bad movie). That makes you actually give a damn about what happens to The Hulk. Also, Ang Lee doesn't forget that this is a comic book movie and utilizes split screen and cool wipes to make this a comic book come to life. I'm glad to add this in the short list of great comic book movies. ****/****

6/18-Alien Ressurection is a hard movie to review. It has some good parts that are worth recommending and some not so good parts that makes me want to rip it to shreds. Anyways, evil military scientest have clone Ripley so they can learn and tame the Aliens. They escape and kill people. The good things are the visuals and some nice action sequences. The bad things are the not so good acting, worse one-liners and the extreme gore. We don't need someone's skull being crushed or eaten. So that makes it hard for me to really recommend or not. I don't know but you do need a strong stomach, I can tell you that. **1/2/****

6/15-Top Gun takes flight in the air and crashes in the ground. Tom Cruise is a Navy pilot who gets into Top Gun and A.) has rivalry between Val Kilmer on whose moodier and cooler and B.) gets the girl. When jets are flying it's pretty cool, but when the jets land it's like a freakin' PG-13 Michael Bay movie. The manipulativeness and the cornball is all there along with some cool action. Thank God we invented the movie soundtrack so we can hear "Danger Zone" from time to time to make this overrated a bit more bearable. **/****

6/13-The Princess Bride is a wicked fairy tale or something like that. Some little boy is sick and Columbo is reading him The Princess Bride, the book. Now the real plot is Buttercup and Westley are in love, but Westley has been killed by pirates or was he? Buttercup hooks up some king, but she gets kidnap by the "Inconceivible" guy, some guy looking for a person with 6 fingers on his right hand and Andre the Giant. Westley comes back and takes her back but the king takes Buttercup again and the rest of the movie is a quest to reunite Westley and Buttercup. This is a funny movie and is right up there with Spinal Tap as Rob Reiner's best movie. The sword fights are fun, the lines funny and it works on all levels. Now excuse me while debate whether this or Spinal Tap is Reiner's best. ****/****

6/5-Enter the Dragon is like a combination of a martial arts flick, James Bond and black exploitation film. An evil martial arts guy/drug lord is throwing a tournement and we get Lee, who was hired by the British goverment to gather evidence about drugs and he wants to avenge his sister's death, Roeper, a white guy in massive debt, and Williams, the Shaft look-alike complete with Shaft like music. The fights are excellent and it proves that Bruce Lee is, was, and always will be The Man. Of course, the ravages of time has made into a campy action film, especially Williams, but this is a good way to waste time. ***/****

6/3-Dark City is basically The Matrix, but better. Some guy wakes up with no memories, a dead prostitute as company and a creepy doctor with a german accent telling him to get out because he's being tracked by "The Strangers". The first you thing you notice is the music, so good and it fits the mood. Then there are the visuals, the sprawiling city and how it changes each day. I can't say enough good things about this. It's like the Matrix only better. ****/****

5/29-If you have any respect for Owen Wilson and Gene Hackman, don't watch Behing Enemy Lines. Wilson is a burnt out Navy soilder who gets shot down in Bosnia and Hackman is the renegade admiral that's going to bring him back. First off, the bullets have read the screenplay, hundreds, maybe thousands whirl by Wilson's and they don't hit him or even come close. Also, the director uses every camera trick in the book to convince us it doesn't suck but he fails. Some action scenes are fun and it goes by fast, so it's not all bad but you should avoid. **/****

5/28-Young Guns is a campy, kinda incoherent movie with action to distract us from that but it's fun. Six guys have their mentor killed and they take revenge. The gang is colorful because they have Billy the Kid on board and he's colorful, well in the movie version. The action scenes are kinda done with flair but the director kinda overuse the slow-mo's and they're all done in the last 10 minutes. Anyways, I realized that this review is kinda confusing and makes no sense, so I'll end it. It's just fun. ***/****

5/17-The Fast and the Furious is a stupid movie that's just an excuse to show cool cars in cool stunts and there's nothing wrong with that, sort of. The plot is some undercover cop (Paul Walker doing his best Keanu Reeves impression) goes to find and befriend the king of street racing and suspected hijacker Vin Diesal. Also, cars do stuff. People say that Diesal sucked in this movie and he does, but to be fair, everyone sucked and I mean everyone. But you don't care about story or acting in a summer movie, you care about the cars and the cool stuff they're doing and the over the top nature of the movie. This is one of the most purest popcorn flicks and a fun way to spend a couple hours. While this only runs on 5 cylinders (out of 8), that's enough to satisfy me. **1/2/****
I guess reviewing The Matrix Reloaded, as well, is my way of apologizing for the lack of updates lately. This isn't as good as the first one, but it's foolish to think that it could. So the machines have found the location of Zion and are digging their way now, and Neo, Morpheous, Trinity and the rest try to stop it. Now the fight scenes are very intense and there are a couple sensational fights, like Neo vs. 100 Agent Smiths and Morpheous vs. the Twins, and some whoop-de-doo fights, like Neo vs. some Agents. The highway scene is undoubtely the best part of the movie and I would compare it to The French Connection's car chase. The some intelligence from the first one isn't there until the last 25 minutes where you have to re-evaluate the nature of Matrix and all you know of it. While the original Matrix was a 3 1/2 star movie that was almost a 4 star movie if not for a few flaws, Reloaded is a solid 3 1/2 star movie that doesn't threaten the first one in superiority. ***1/2/****

5/8-The Lost Boys is so very 80's and that's why I like it. I mean with the two Corey's and Alex Winter(Bill from Bill and Ted) it's instant gold. Ok, the story goes like this: A family moves into a new place, the older kid, not one of the Coreys, finds friends with vampires and becomes one. Then, his younger borther, one of the Coreys, enlist the help of a couple of vampire hunters, one of them is the other Corey, and kill vampires. The effects are nice provided that it came from the 80's. The one-liners aren't so great but it adds to the 80's nostalgia and campiness. With both Corey's, how can you go wrong? ***/****

5/7-X-Men is one of those movies where the special effects are the main focus and the story takes a back seat. You just hope to God that it's entertaining and doesn't insult your intelligence unlike Episode I. I wish I could tell you what happens exactly but I really can't. I know that there's a war brewing between mutants and humans, there's a law trying to be passed, and Professor Xavier and Magneto and the rest are doing stuff but the people who actually reads this knows what happens. This is just one of those movies where you just go with it, go with the spectatcle, go with the coolness and whatnot. So that brings me to my first point. Is it entertaining and does it insult your intelligence? Yes to the first question. and no to the second question. With a cleaner story, it might have been one of the great comic book movies like Superman I, II and Batman but it succeeds mostly because it's good entertainment. ***/****

5/6-Charade is a cat and mouse dectective story/comedy and a damn good one. If you know the Truth About Charlie(which is a remake of Charade) you know the plot. Just subsititute Audrey Hepburn for Thandie Newton, Cary Grant for Mark Walhberg and Walter Matthau for Tim Robbins and you have the movie. It's funny and the performances are great. I like this movie but some parts don't work like the romance angle with Hepburn and Grant, and some of the twists are predictable, but it's a good movie overall. ***/****

4/28-When you see a Paul Verhoeven film you expect lots of violence and maybe lots of sex, Hollow Man is no exception. The plot is basically some Invisible Man (Kevin Bacon) becomes invisible, goes beserk and rapes and kill some people. The effects are awesome when you see Kevin Bacon becoming invisible and when the Bacon's colleagues make a gorilla visible. Yet, the story is, if you excuse the pun, hollow. I can accept all of the factual errors and the plot holes, mainly I don't notice them, but I can't accept that Bacon is burnt, beaten with a crowbar, electrucuted and caught in an explosion and still alive to try to kill some more people. On a visceral level, I liked it but if you think it all breaks down. So do I recommend it for entertaining me (which it did) or not recommend it for the deeper stuff which sucks. What do you think? ***/****

4/21-While I think that The Untouchables is Kevin Costner's best movie, Field of Dreams is an extremely close second. We all know that Kevin Costner is a farmer who hears the infamous "If you build it, he will come." and builds a baseball field then he seeks out James Earl Jones for reasons I won't say. It's a very sweet and magical movie all about baseball. I love this movie, I love everything about it. ****/****

4/17-I found the poster thing for the nothing movie. A nothing movie has nothing you care about, no one you care for and if it's a comedy few, if any, laughs. This movie is Hudson Hawk. It has Bruce Willis has some cat burgular who got out of jail and is blackmailed into stealing stuff and Andie MacDowell is his obligatory love interest. This movie doesn't really know if it's a comedy or an action and feels half-assed. The humor is supposed to be Monty Python-esque but it's not funny. The action is how not to do cartoonish violence and the one-liners are gay. Yet, for all its bad, there's some moments and I can see groups of people making fun of it, but it's a movie you love or hate and I told what I think. *1/2/****

4/14-Naked Gun 2 1/2 is a good way to spend 85 minutes. It has Leslie Nielson trying to stop the "big boys" of the fossil fuel industry who's trying to supress the opinions of a scientest who believes in renewable energy. It has all the usual sight gags and they're funny. Yet, some of it feels like a re-hash than original, but I guess that's to be expected. I like this movie and would recommend it to you. ***/****

4/7-Bad Boys was made in that tiny period where Martin Lawrence was more famous than Will Smith, hard to believe that now. But anyways, I'm reviewing it. So Smith and Lawrence are buddy-cops in the vein of Lethal Weapon and 48 Hours. Their career drug-busts get stolen and they go after it. Then the guys who stole the drugs kill some chick and there's a witness and the cops spend the rest of the movie protecting her and finding the drugs. There's action and lots of it, witty banter and Tea Leoni has never looked sexier. There's one problem, the main screenplay. To pull this off Smith and Lawrence has to switch identities and lie and say retarded stuff. It's pitiful, yet I'm not so sure whether the look of the film redeems the writing. I still don't know to recommend this or not. I guess I'm giving this a marginal thumbs up. ***/****

4/5-Ghost Ship is a haunted house movie on a boat. If it was done well, it could've been good, done like the present version we saw, however, it's barely mediorce. The plot is a salvage crew finds a ghost ship, which is haunted (duh!), and everyone starts dying. Why don't they get off you say? Because there's gold in dem dar boat and they're stupid. Visually, it's great with all sorts of gore, especially the first five minutes and the flashback to 1962. The acting is bad, especially from usually good Gabriel Bryne. It's not as bad as you expect it to be, but it could've been a lot better. **1/2/****

3/31-Shanghai Noon may be Jackie Chan's best American movie. It's about a princess is kidnapped, Jackie Chan goes to America and meets an outlaw(Owen Wilson) and there are fights. Of course, the plot's just there for opportunties for Chan to unleash his moves and Wilson to make a wise-crack. There are some scenes that really don't make sense and there's the obligatory scene where Wilson tells some chick that Chan's not his friend and Jackie is standing near the door. See it. ***/****

3/25-8 Mile isn't LA Confidential, both directed by the same guy, but it's a good way to spend a couple hours. It's about Jimmy Smith, Jr. (Eminem) who works at an auto plant and dreams of being the next rap star. It's gringy, seedy and there are no smiles or no reason to smile. I won't lie to you, 8 Mile is formulatic but if done well, who cares. The acting is all good, even Eminem who gives a decent performance. Just don't expect another masterpiece. ***/****

3/20-The Importance of Being Earnest is a witty film. It has some guys(Colin Firth and Rupert Everett) wanting to marry other girls but can't under their present identies so they switch and it's all confusing. And you know what, that's not really what happened but it's close enough. The words are really rich of humor and wit. The acting is good. I don't know what else to say but I'll recommend this. ***/****

3/10-The Ring is a damn creepy film. It has a reporter(Naomi Watts) stumbling along the tape that kills you in 7 days. The story has some flaws but the style is so seductive, so creepy it covers up those flaws. True, it should've ended earlier than it did but it's a good movie. ***/****

3/6-The Bedazzled I'm reviewing today isn't the one with Brendan Fraiser and Liz Hurley. It's the 60's one with Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. Basically Dudley Moore's life is shit and nearly kills himself. The Devil(Peter Cook) comes and grants him 7 wishes and Moore wishes fall apart in his face. The movie is best when Cook and Moore are at London bouncing off diaglogue and stuff about God. The wishes themself vary in quality but they never suck. It's timeless and can be watch over and over again. Go see this. ***1/2/****

3/5-Fallen has a great premise but so-so execution. It has Denzel Washington who finds a demon spirit lurking about who spreads by touch. When I say so-so execution, I mean that we have too much of the demon's POV shots. They're cool the first few times but then it gets repetive. It also showcases the few that any person may be evil, whether they be a nun, a Russian or Michael Jackson. The ending is quite good and quite a shock. I wouldn't quite recommend this but this is a decent flick. **1/2/****

2/27-Dillinger is one of those movies that shoots you with a couple rounds of a tommy gun and finishes you off with a shotgun blast. It's about the exploits of John D. Dillinger, but not oddly enough about his life. There is plenty of violence and everyone dies violently. But I wanted to know what turned to his life of crime but I'm perfectly content with the shootouts, some even last 15 minutes. And you can't go wrong with Crown Point, Indiana being mention, heh? ***/****

2/25-American Psycho is a satirical film about violence and the 80's. It has Christain Bale as a yuppie who kills people and has some sex. What's so facinating and evil is that even though Bale wants and needs help, nobody gives a damn to care or even listen. And you can't but not to take this seriously because of the yuppies selfish needs and Bales lines i.e. "I have a sheer moment of panic when I walk in Paul Allen's room because his view overlooks the park. He has a nicer place than me." It's a good movie but the ending is a bit too ambigious so watched out. ***/****

2/16-Batman and Robin is the worst Batman movie but it could've been worse. It has Mr. or Dr. Freeze(Arnold Schrawzennager or something) and Poison Ivy(Uma Thurman) teaming up to defeat Batman(George Clooney) and Robin(Chris O'Donnell). The special effects are great but it suffers from horrible miscasting and a script that would make Adam West and Burt Ward vomit in rage. George Clooney is too much of a pretty boy to play Batman. Arnold doesn't have any idea to play Freeze, he comes, says a crappy one-liner and freezes stuff. Poison Ivy shouldn't have been in this, it shows that the writers are running out of good villians but they could've used the Mad Hatter. That would be nice. As for Batgirl(Alicia Silverstone) let us block out that memory. You probaly will suffer but you could watch worse and it does have it's moments. **/****

2/14-Jaws: The Revenge is bad as you heard and worse. The story is crap, I mean a shark stalks the surviving Brodies because Roy Schieder killed it in Jaws 1. The shark itself is ugly, I mean ugly. Those things are supposed to get better in future sequels. And the way they killed it is so stupid, they ram a boat and the shark explodes, for no reason! They should make a shirt that says "I survived Jaws: The Revenge:". It's honestly that bad. 1/2*/****

2/13-Jaws III isn't that bad but it isn't that good either. A giant shark comes to Seaworld, kills people and Dennis Quaid has to stop it and it was in 3-D at first. There are stretches of the film where it doesn't suck but on the whole it does. The effects aren't that good and when it's viewed in 2-D, the look downright nasty. I mean vomitting inducing nasty. If you're looking for a masterpiece, you're an idiot. If you're looking for a B-movie with a shark, it's not so bad. **/****

2/12-Halloween H20 is a slightly above-average slasher film. Michael Myers has come back, with horrible hair, to kill Jamie Lee Curtis while ignoring Halloween 3-6. Like always, these kind of movies rely on false scares and the like, but it is somewhat unpredictable in one scene. It's worthwhile and is better than Halloween 4 and 5, it's not as good as the first 2 and it's just as good as the third. If you survived the other Halloween movies, you'll like it. **1/2/****

2/9-Terminator 2 is the best action film ever. EVER. You already know the story so let's get into the action. The action is very fast and the CGI is very impressive for its time and still adequate in ours. You can just see the innovation dripping from every frame. Everything is close to perfection and if you miss this, you don't deserve to live. ****/****

2/7-In theory, Wrongfully Accused works. Also in theory, communism works. I mean who wouldn't like to see a Fugitive spoof and Leslie Nielsen is a funny guy. Of course, Leslie Nielsen has been sucking for about 5 or 6 years and Wrongfully Accused was released about 3 years. In style, it's exactly like Naked Gun or Airplane! but the jokes fall flat and lack the freshness and sponteinity that the aforementioned movies had and the less said about the cartoon sounds, the better. To say they just suck is an understatement. It just sad and almost painful to watch. Just run away from it. */****

2/5-Above the Law has our favorite squinty eye, fat who was thin actor who can't act, Steven Segal. It has a cop(Segal) who finds out a plot to kill a senator and decides to stop it by going, get this, ABOVE THE LAW. Segal can't act to save his life and he talks without emitting any emotion at all. He's too superhuman to be believable like when he gets hit by a car, but then rides it a la Dirty Harry, punches the passegener window and strangles the passegener and then leaps off the car and lands on his feet. What kind of crap was that? And furthermore, we all seen Segal's character, a bad cop that doesn't follow the rules, but better like Dirty Harry, John McClane and Bullet to a lesser extent. At least it isn't as bad as Fire Down Below. *1/2/****

1/31-In the future, hit and run isn't a felony. It's the national pastime. That's right, I'm talking about Death Race 2000. Well 5 cars enter, 1 car win and a whole lot of people get run over. There's also a sub-plot about rebels and blaming everything on the French. That just distracts from the race. The acting is almost universally bad, the only two people who don't suck are David Carridine as Frankenstien who has the coolness to pull this off and Sylvester Stallone in one his Pre-Rocky roles, who relishes in his over-the-top as Machine Gun Joe. The 3 commentators who comment on the race are the dumb blonde, the overactor and the underactor who makes the film into full on campness. There's also gratitous nudity so have fun and laugh at and with the film. ***/****

1/29-I never really understood the 60's and Easy Rider doesn't help much. If you heard the song "Born to be Wild", that's the plot. Just add Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper(with a mustache) and a couple motorcycles. This is one those movies where the part is better than the sum. Jack Nicolson is enjoyable when he's on and the songs are good. Yet, I never quite understood the meaning of it and when Fonda and Hopper are at Mardi Gras you'll be thinking WTF. I'm not recommending this but it's not a total waste. **/****

1/28-Groundhog Day is one of the most orginal comedies in recent years. Bill Murray is in a time loop...on Groundhog Day and there's no way out. Sure, there's no explanitation for the time loop or what may happen if Murray stays up all night. It's a take it or leave it film. As for me, I'll take it. ***/****

1/27-Before Austin Powers, there was Flint, Derek Flint. Our Man Flint was the first and the second beset Bond spoof ever (second only to the first Austin Powers). If you seen a Bond film, you already know half the plot, only it centers around controlling weather and it's GALAXY, not SPECTRE that are behind this. Now the sets and the topical nature are outdated and campy. But hey, you can't go wrong with a Flint and it's dialogue. ***/****

1/24-Bull Durham is a breezy baseball comedy. Basically revolves around a brash, young picture with an incredible fastball(Tim Robbins) but no control with an aging catcher(Kevin Costner) and his "groupie" for lack of a better term(Susan Saradon) mentoring him. The best part is when Robbins and Costner are arguing and what Costner believes in(see JFK for an extra layer of that monologue). Yeah, it's a tad overrated but it's pretty fun. ***/****

1/22-Back in the 1980's, teen movies didn't suck like today teen movies(gasp!) and the jewel was Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Ferris Bueller's Day Off is...well Ferris Bueller(Matthew Broderick) plays hookey and brings some friends along. The comedy works on all levels and is very smart. No one can deny the phone scene(you know it when you see it) with Jeffrey Jones as the principal. I guess we know why Jones was chasing Bueller in the first place. ***/****

1/16-Pitch Black offers nothing relatively new to the Sci-Fi genre but it's a pretty fun ride. The plot has a space ship crashing into a planet and aliens kill the survivors of the ship with Vin Diesal helping them. Of course, there are flaws like it takes about 20 minutes for the story to actually start and when the aliens aren't killing people, the human conflicts are things we all seen before. But the special effects are nice, especially when we get to what the aliens see and what Vin Dieseal sees(he has nocturnal vision, ain't that cool?). You won't remember this in a month but it's fun while it lasts. ***/****

1/14-Here's an equation for you kids: Movie+Michael Bay+budget of over $100 million+a PG-13 rating=crap. Yep that's the equation for Pearl Harbor and Armageddon. I'll be reviewing Pearl Harbor today. Now the second time I seen this(don't ask) I liked it more but it still is crap. The plot is the first thing wrong with this. Apparently, Bay didn't think that the attack was enough and he tacked an unnecessary, boring and ultimately bad love triangle. This is a multi-million dollar spectacle, but couldn't they spend an extra couple of million to a good script or a shorter length. Pearl Harbor can not contain nor does not deserve a 3 hour length. Now if there is one thing Michael Bay can do, it's create some good action scenes. Look at the attack at Pearl Harbor or the opening 15 minutes of Armageddon. The battle is very good but with a cornball script, cornball acting and un-necessary length I still don't like the movie but I don't loathe it either and it's off my worst list. **/****

1/13-Who Framed Roger Rabbit was and still is one of the best animated movies. We all know what happens, Rabbit gets framed and Bob Hoskins bails him out. Now the genius is the way toons and people convincingly occupy the same place at the same time. And the double-entrendes and the inside jokes are top-notch. Very good and very funny, especially the opening short. ***1/2/****

1/12-My name is Pat(Hi Pat!). And I like Battlefield Earth, is the Battlefield Earth Likers Announyamous(Away with you beast!!!!!). Yes, I liked Battlefield Earth. We all know that it killed John Travolta's career a second time but why? Sure, the plot is ludricous and full of holes but if you people liked Armaggedon's plot, there's no reason why you shouldn't like this as well. The acting isn't that good but it looks everyone, especially John Travolta, knew that it wasn't good and they have fun with it. It just fun and I can understand the hatred, but I'm not one of those people. See it for A.) a good time or B.) see if it is really the worst movie ever. ***/****

1/10-M. Night Shymalan is hellbent on re-writing the rules of genres. He changed the rules of the supernatural in the Sixth Sense. He changed the rules of the comic book hero in Unbreakalbe(vastly underrated). Now he changed the rules of the alien invasion with Signs. The plot has aliens invading the Earth with the story centering around Graham Hess(Mel Gibson). It's very well told and genuinly scary at some parts. The only bad thing is that how is Shymalan going to top himself after this great piece of film. Easily ties Unbreakable as Shymalan's best film. ***1/2/****

1/8-From the people who brought you Airplane! now brings you The Naked Gun. Leslie Nielson stars as Frank Drebbin, the horribly incomptent cop who's trying to stop the assisination of Queen Elizabeth II. This is an uproarious, over-the-top comedy with laughs a minute. God this is good. ***1/2/****

12/30-Die Hard With a Vengance has it's share of plot holes and WTF situations but makes up for it with it's action and coolness. The plot has Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson running around New York while Jeremy Irons is blowing stuff up because he's Hans Grueber's brother(Hans was the bad guy from Die Hard 1). Like I said, if you think about the plot holes and WTF situations you'll probaly not like it. And this is a lot better than Die Hard 2. ***1/2/****
Resevoir Dogs has the best writing to ever grace the silver screen. The acting is universally good. The violence is very disturbing. The way the story is told is very akward and not very good. It's about the aftermath of a botched jewel heist when Mr. Pink(Steve Buscemi) is convinced that they were set up and think the one of the surviving robbers(Mr. White or Harvery Keitel, Mr. Orange or Tim Roth, or Mr. Blonde or Michael Madson) told the police. I liked how far they went with the story and the violence but I wanted to see more like *HEREBE SPOILERS* Mr. Blonde's killing spree, Mr. Pink getting arrested and Mr. Blue's death *END SPOILERS*. I will recommend it just for the writing but Taratino did so much better with Pulp Fiction. ***/****

12/21-The Jackal isn't more than a talkative action film. Yeah a few things blow up, key word few, but it's mainly talkative. Bruce Willis is the Jackal, a faceless assassin hired by a russian for $70 million to kill the head of the FBI with Richard Gere has a jailed Irish terrorist who gets out to help the FBI find the Jackal. It's full of stupidity but fun to watch. I mean don't the Russians know that $70 million is to much to kill someone, no matter how good the assassin is. And look at the weapon the Jackal uses to kill his prey, a big ass gattling gun with uriniam bullets, doesn't he know a good ol' fashion sniper rifle does the job just as well, but no it has to be public and brutal. Did I enjoy myself? Yeah. Will I buy it on DVD? Sure. Will I recommend it? Let's not go nuts. **1/2/****

12/15-Some people will watch A Christmas Story for Christmas, others will watch It's A Wonderful Life. Me, I'll watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. It tells the continuing torment of Clark W. Griswald, Jr.(Chevy Chase, just before he stopped being funny) and his family. It basically has Griswald's christmas plans backfiring...comically. But there is no vacation unless you count the family's relatives and of course, Randy Quaid does the best job as the redneck Cousin Eddie. It's not as funny or good as Vacation but better than European Vacation and probaly better than Vegas Vacation. ***/****

12/12-Pierce Brosnan's first outing as James Bond in Goldeneye isn't a bad one. It has Bond trying to stop his partner, Alec Trevelay or something, from using a satellite to do evil. It has cool stunts, hot chicks and cool gadgets but there was one thing that bothered me is that Bond has a cool car but barely uses it and doesn't use it gadgets. But forget that, it's a good movie. ***/****

12/11-Sure Batman Forever has it flaws, but what second sequel isn't without. If done horribly wrong, it could've been like Alien 3 or Halloween 3(OK, they weren't that bad to me, but everyone else hates them), but it's good. Basically the Riddler(Jim Carrey) and Two-Face(Tommy Lee Jones) team up to kill Batman(Val Kilmer) with Robin(Chris O'Donell). The movie is basically going back to the 60's TV series and sure some might think that's a bad thing, I think this it's a good think. There are a couple problems like how Two-Face is portrayed. He's supposed to be grounded and rational, but he's totally insane. And Kilmer is a good Batman but he's not Michael Keaton. Sure it has flaws but this is a good movie, not as good as the first two but good enough. ***/****

12/7-Burt Reyonlds is the Bandit, Jackie Gleason is Smokey and 2/3's of Smokey and the Bandit is a car chase, buckle up. Plot has the Bandit and the Snowman(Jerry Reed) getting a truckload of beer across a couple states in 28 hours. Gleason chases them because he can. Acting isn't that bad, but some cops sound like dumasses when they talk and the car chases were repetive, yet I was entertained. Sure it won't win awards and it won't be one of the great films but it's worth watching. ***/****

12/6-12 Angry Men is a rare film. It has no real action (explosions and guns), yet it engrosses with it's dialogue. It's about a jury delibrating on a murder case where it all seems clear cut in a guilty verdict, but one juror doesn't think so. He methodically makes his case and soon the other jurors start voting not guilty. There are two things that really makes the movie exceptional. The claustrophobic way it's film being only more claustrophobic when the movie progress, especially when one guy's face takes up half the screen. The other is characters, sure there are 12 guys but they're discintive and have such different personalities make them hard to forget. One of the movie's greatest triumph. ****/****

12/4-Roger Ebert said this best about Highlander II: "This movie has to be seen to be believed. On the other hand, maybe that's too high a price to pay." That means it sucks, alot. The plot is too inane for me describe and the special effects are extremely laughable. But there are a couple bright spots when Michael Ironside is driving a train and Sean Connery getting a suit and flying on a plane, but they don't make up for the crapness of everything else. All in all, it's shitacular. */****

11/30-Today's movie isn't a Bond movie but a Video Game(hereafter referred as VG) movie or Mortal Kombat. The plot is pretty basic, three people, Liu Kang, Sonya Blade and Johnny Cage are chosen to fight in a tournement to decide the fate of the Earth or Earth realm. The only big name star in this is Christopher Lambert(Highlander) or plays Raiden, the God of Thunder, who's cool to some and wooden to everyone else. Everyone knows that a VG movie are supposed to suck and to some degree this one does. The effects are dated, acting isn't that good and the fight scenes are pretty average, but it has cool places and even cooler music and that's what makes it good. This is the best and only good VG ever. I would recommend this in a heartbeat. But stay far, far, far, far away from the sequel, which is unfortunaley another review and that means I have to see that POS again. ***1/2/****

11/29-Sean Connery is James Bond for a third time in Goldfinger. One of the best and well-knowned Bond film has Bond doing the usual while pursuring Goldfinger. The best part of this film is Oddjob, Goldfinger's manservant with his hat that kills. Where's my hat that kills people, where? Also, it's starting be a bit more comedic than the first two. Good film, good women and a great car. ***1/2/****

11/23-My return to movie theaters wasn't dissapointing because I saw Die Another Day. Typical James Bonds stuff with throw backs to the previous Bond films while dealing with North Koreans. They did break from formula a bit in the first hour, but it all breaks down to usual Bond with cool FX(except for the CGI, that doesn't look all that good) and a cool hovercraft chase. Of course the Bond girls are hot, duh and hail John Cleese as the new Q. I would recommend this to all Bond fans and even some new ones. ***/****

11/20-Sean Connery is back again as James Bond in From Russia With Love. It's about James Bond doing the usual while trying to get a decoder machine called SPECTRE. It's basically all talk and little action and in some points boring. It's also starting to show it's age and is quite campy at times. This is just for James Bond hardcore freaks but you just can't hate a Bond movie with Connery in it. It just not right. ***/****

11/18-Fargo, the 1994 semi-masterpiece by the Coen Brothers. It's about an executive car salesman with big ears(William H. Macy) who hires a couple guys(Steve Buscemi and some other guy) to kidnap his wife and get some easy money. It all falls about and Frances McDormand who's a detective comes to pick up the pieces. The Coen's dark humor run wild here, especially with Steve Buscemi's performance. The reason I'm not considering it a full masterpiece is basically the writing gets repetive, but I love this film. ***/****

11/17-Before the USA Network. Before Bridget Fonda. There was one La Femme Nikita made by Luc Besson. It's about some chick who was once bad, then becomes good while working with the goverment. It's really compelling and Besson's best work. I love how they show Nikita doing normal stuff to prove that she really isn't some heartless killer and you gotta love Jean Reno being a hitman, a role he later reprises with The Professional. I gotta warn you that it's in French, so you retards who think that only good movies are in English stay away. ***1/2/****

11/15-Cocoon, starring a bunch of old people with Brian Denemy and Steve Guttenburg, is a sweet, kind movie. It's about 3 old men finding a fountain of youth in thier pool, and Brian Denemy is an alien along with some other guys. Steve Guttenburg provides comedic relief and drives a boat. It's really sweet and funny. It'll make you smile and make you cry. I whole-heartily recommend this. ***/****

11/13-You can think of Monster's Ball two ways. A great movie about hate and racism or a soft-core porno with little redeeming value. I'm picking the former. A movie about hate, especially in the relationship with Billy Bob Thorton and Heath Ledger and Peter Boyle and black people. I do think that there's one too many concidences but it's a really good flick, with some good acting, especially with Thorton and Halle Berry. ***1/2/****

11/11-This movie on Veteran's Day is Demolition Man. Sly's last good movie (at least I think so) doing stuff while trying to catch Wesley Snipes. Plot is too wordy for this review but you'll figure it. It does have some good satire on the future or what the Brady Bunch has evision. One of the main problems is that there's just too much happening in too little time, it seems rushed or something. But it's pretty funny when Snipes is around which he didn't have enough screen time. This is good all-around with the exception of Sandra Bullock's performance(god, that was awful). ***/****

11/10-Looking at the beginning of Reindeer Games, you might think that it'll not be good. Well it really doesn't until the end, but before then it's still watchable. The plot is really confusing and it's everyone talks about doing stuff and then they do the stuff they were all talking about and then there's a twist and everyone talks about this sudden twist with Ben Affleck, Charlize Theron and Gary Sinese at the center, got all that. Well Ben Affleck and Gary Sinese does a great job with a not so great script whereas Theron whines and gets naked, not that I mind the latter, but she's the weak link. While it's not a great movie, it's a strangly entertaining one. **1/2/****

11/9-This day's movie is Almost Famous. Before this, I didn't really think that good performance (which this does have, especially from Phillip Seymour Hoffman) didn't deserve to have 4 stars. Now I know that I am so wrong. This is Cameron Crowe's best film and this is Jason Lee's best film, performance wise. I didn't really care about the kid that much but it's a really good movie. ****/****

11/6-Today is the Crucible. The movie based on play starring Winona Ryder and Daniel Day-Lewis. If you read the play, be prepared to be slightly dissapointed. It's really campy at some points and Daniel Day-Lewis gives a really bland performance, but if you get past these, it's really a compelling movie. ***/****

11/1-Today is John Carpenter's Big Trouble in Little China. It rivals John Carpenter's The Thing as John Carpenter's best film. It has lots of cool stuff and effects with Kurt Russel and Kim Catrall at the epicenter. It's full of manical energy to get you interested any laughing. You don't really need to know what's going on, just see it for a good time. ***1/2/****

10/31-This Halloween movie is not Halloween, but Candyman. It's about some urban legend that if you go stand in front of mirror and say Candyman 5 times, he'll appear and kill you with his hook for his right hand. Well some college student doing a thesis about urban legends does this and Candyman comes and kills people but not her. This is basically a horror movie with a bigger brain than most. Some of the plot doesn't really makes sense but it's worth a viewing. ***/****

10/26-Halloween III, the sequel everybody hates because it doesn't have Michael Myers in it. But what it doesn't have, it more than makes up with the opening title sequence, the music and the cyborgs who like the agents from the Matrix. The plot is basically that some toymaker is trying to kill children with halloween mask. It's stupid, but somehow it almost works. The best part is the ending, could've been a great setup for a sequel. **1/2/****

I shall be reviewing Iron Eagle. The plot is as simple as you can get: Dad shot down by a Arabian/Russian hybrid, son shoots back with the help from Louis Gossert, Jr. Aside from the combat, this movie sucks. I mean I don't care about a 16 year old flying a F-16. I do care if he can't act and is almost as retarded as Jean Claude Van-Damme and everyone else is just as stupid as the kid. The music is just bargain bin 80's rock, with the exception of Twisted Sister and the R&B, and that's very bad music, especially when they keep playing the same song again and again. *1/2/****

10/19-Mothman Prophecies, based on a true story, directed by Mark Pellington. What can go wrong? The screenplay that looks like it was written by monkeys. First, the plot has John Klein(Richard Gere) doing stuff in a small town where the Mothman is. It focus too much on crappy sub-plots and not enough on the real plot, the plot people want to see. The cinematogrophy is good and the editing is better than the movie deserves. Hell, the ending is good, but without a good screenplay to build the ending up, we don't care. Also, I wanted to see Klein's wife(Debra Messing) do more stuff instead of dying and doing scary stuff every so often. This is a good rental if you have nothing better to do. **/****

10/17-You want to see one of the best feel-bad movies, see Leaving Las Vegas. Nicolas Cage stars in this as Ben, some screenwriter who goes to Las Vegas to drink himself to death. He meets a hooker Sera, with an e, played by Elisabeth Shue and together they form a friendship not punctuated with sex. The genius of the film is that it shows what it looks to be drunk, with quick cuts when we see Ben. This is Nicolas Cage's best performance ever, EVER and Elisabeth Shue is almost as good as Cage. Now this is difficult to watch at times, especially the ending but it's very good to look at. ***1/2/****

10/15-Pulp Fiction, the movie where thinking IS a requirement. I could tell you the plot but frankly, I don't know for sure. I know that involves a shit-load of big names i.e. John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Harvey Keitel and many others including a Steve Buscemi cameo. It has guns, drugs, violence and the word fuck used 271 times. What can you hate about it? This is one of the best films from the 90's and if you can figure out where it begins and where it ends, you'll love it. But I must warn you that it does drag on, especially in Chapter 2(you know it when you see it). ****/****

10/14-What do you get when you have Nicolas Cage, Ving Rames, Steve Buscemi, John Malkovich and John Cusack in the same movie? Con Air, the 1997 blockbuster from Jerry Bruckheimer. You know what happens, Cameron Poe(Cage) is in jail, goes on federal prison plane, said plane gets taken over by Cyrus the Virus(Malkovich) and Diamond Dog(Rames), make a stop and pick up Garlend Greene(Buscemi), a serial killer who brings Hannilbal Lector to shame and all the while a DEA(Cusack) tries to stop them acting like Nicolas Cage's character in The Rock, also from Bruckheimer. Now the review, it's fucking awesome. You typical action flick taken to the extreme and with lots of cool explosions and MTV style edits. See, see, see it. ***/****

10/13-After a fairly long wait, I have returned to review Tremors. If you can't tell that this "cult classic" all over it, you're blind. Now we know that big, big snake like thingys dubbed "graboids" are slowly eating a small town with Kevin Bacon, some other guy, the dad from Family Ties and the rest of the town or survivors unite to kill 'em all until the next sequel. It's just pure fun and not meant to be taken seriously. The best thing about this is that everyone is fairly smart, even if they look stupid and the graboids are even smarter. If you haven't seen this, why are reading this. Go and buy or watch it on TBS or TNN. ***/****

10/8-Today is the Devil's Advocate. First, if you expect this to be God-like(pun intended) because Al Pacino is in this, you have to realize that Keanu Reeves is in this too so they cancelled each other out. Now this is about some stupid laywer, one Kevin Polax(Reeves) who has never lost a case and then a New York law firm headed by John Milton(Pacino) comes along and offers Polax a high-paying job. Now since the word Devil is in the title it has to involve some demons and what do you know, we have demons headed by Milton. All the while Polax's wife(Charlize Theron) goes more insane each day and gets comminted. Now some may bash this film for Pacino's over the top performance but I think this is the best part of the film. I also do think that the ending gyps us a bit but hey I don't really care. ***/****

10/4-Today I shall be reviewing Beyond the Mat. It's a decent wrestling documentary that everyone could watch, even the non-wrestling fans. It focuses on Terry Funk who should've retired for good(I think the current number of his retirements is like 5 or 6) 20 years ago, Mick Foley who used to pride himself on getting him self multilated with Funk with exploding barb wire(you'll seen what I mean) and Jake "the Snake" Roberts who has literally descented into Hell with his drug and family problems. Of course any documentary faces the ravages of time especially since ECW is no more and gets a little slow at times but it still decent. **1/2/****

10/3-Today's movie is Contact. This is a great, great sci-fi film that treats the audience with respect instead of cool special effects that try and usually fail to cover up the crap that is the rest of the movie i.e. Independence Day. Now this involves an expectionally bright scientest(Jodie Foster, wierd how I review 2 Jodie Foster's films two days in a row) who tries to contact aliens and eventually does about 30-35 minutes into the film(you may want to use the Fast Forward button before then). Of course, this also needs the obligatory science vs. religion led by Matther McConaughy or whatever as Foster's lover. The ending is a bit hard to follow and kinda betrays us a bit but it's a good film and should be viewed by all. ***/****

10/2-This day's movie is Panic Room. I'm sure we all remember the plot with a mother(Jodie Foster), her daughter and 3 robbers, a nice guy, a crazy/leader and the guy with a gun(Forrest Whitaker, Jared Leto and Dwight Yokam, respectically). One of the biggest pluses of the film that even though it's supposed to be suspensful and stuff, it's actually funny especially with Jared Leto, but I love this anyways. Also a word about the special effects, most notably the opening credit sequence, are outstanding. This is directed by one of my favorite directors, David Fincher, and it shows he can make a film that doesn't make you think and do it well. One final word, this isn't another Fight Club or Se7en, but it's pretty close. ***1/2/****

9/28-Arlington Road, what can I say about it? That it's strange like a surburban Jacob's Ladder with terrorists. Well anyways, it's about Michael Faraday(Jeff Bridges) who begins to suspect that his neighbor, Oliver Lang(Tim Robbins) may be a terrorist. Faraday begins to invade Lang's privacy and finds out that he changed his name and tried to blow up a building when he was 16. Like I said, this is a strange movie with an ever stranger ending. But I really couldn't connect with the movie or even the characters but I'm recommending this anyways. ***/****

9/24-Today's movie is an American Werewolf in London. It stars that guy who sang "Makin' It"(look it up), some other guy and a hot English girl. The plot is self-explantory so I won't waste your time. It does start slow, but it picks up soon enough. So this is the quintessential horror/comedy film and deserves a viewing. ***/****

9/22-As promised, here's the review of Hannibal. First off, don't expect another Silence of the Lambs. Now the plot is that it takes place 10 years after Silence with Clarice Starling body-morphing to Julianne Moore and Hannibal Lecter(Anthony Hopkins) in Italy. Gary Oldman is in this as Mason, Hannibal's only surviving victim with a pig farm and a plan to get Lecter back to America using Clarice as bait and Ray Liotta as a pawn who later gets his own brain fed to him by Lector. Now there are two big problems with this, one is it's way too gory and you be wondering how the hell it got a R rating and two, there's a big shoot-out at the beginning at the film so that the rest can't follow up. In conclusion, what could've been a nice pyschological thriller turns into a gory gorefest. **1/2/****

9/21-Today's movie is Falling Down starring Michael Douglas and Robert Duvall. The plot is basically that a white collar worker who goes without a name for about half the movie(Douglas) goes berserk against society's flaws and tries to change all the while going to his daughter's birthday party even though his ex-wife has file a restraining order against while his crimes are being traced to a policeman who has one day left(Duvall). Now the characters are one-dimensional, nothing really changes but you can learn the Michael Douglas way of shopping, dealing with the homeless, dealing with Neo-Nazis and ordering breakfast at a fast food when they stopped serving breakfast a few minutes ago. ***/****

9/20-This day's movie will be The Sting with Robert Redford and Paul Newman screwing over Robert Shaw(Quint from Jaws). This is basically a plot-driven movie with everyone are supporting players, but don't let that bring you down, it's a great movie. The aforemetioned plot is that two con men Hooker(Robert Redford) and some other guy whose name I forgot(Paul Newman) are planning some big sting and get really rich, really fast. Who's the mark that's going to give them money. An Irish guy with a long name(Robert Shaw) who is a good poker player. There is other stuff but I'm not going to spoil the rest. 3 1/2 stars/4 stars

9/18-This day's movie will be Dragnet. It stars Dan Akroyd as Joe Friday's nephew, Joe Friday and Tom Hanks as Dectective Stienback whose entrance is one of the greatest. Now the plot has something to do with a group called P.A.G.A.N and a romance between Friday and some sacrifcial chick(Alexandria Paul) that the PAGANS would have sacriface if not for Friday and Stienback that slows the movie down and the plot is really hard to follow but it has some really cool one-liners, good chemistry between Akroyd and Hanks, some cool action scenes and the best scene using a drawer. 3 stars/4 stars

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